It's the morning after the night before and both Cheryl and i woke up early with matching smiles plastered on our faces. It is only 6am and the girls are still asleep but we know that there is little to no chance of us falling back to sleep this morning. I am lying in bed watching Cheryl pull on an oversized sweatshirt and she has thrown me one over too. We thought that we better put some clothes on because there is no doubt that soon both of the girls will be barging through our bedroom door and getting into bed with us for an early morning cuddle.
"What are you grinning at?"
"Nothing" I laugh and she rolls her eyes playfully at me and rubs her arms with some body lotion that she bought yesterday. I love just watching Cheryl because i love everything about her. I love how she moves, i love how happy she gets over silly things like opening a new cream and i love how she smiles at me from across the room. I love that she is mine once again. "Come back to bed" I murmur and i hold my hand out to her.
"Miss us already, do you?"
"I just want another kiss" I pout at her and she giggles, taking my hand after she has climbed back onto the bed and i pull her up to me. She lands ontop of me and pecks my lips quickly. "That's better" I hum into her soft curls and i wrap my arms around her body like i always do and she quickly gets comfortable by nuzzling her face into the crook of my neck and intertwining our legs.
Neither of us are in the mood for any funny business this morning so instead we just lay here talking and enjoying each other's company. As the room fills with silence my mind wanders and i end up thinking about the life i have lead. I realise that at 22 years old i have crammed a lot into my short life. I was in a terrible relationship and became a mother at 16, i settled down into a high profile relationship with the woman of my dreams, i broke her heart, had another baby by a no good low life and now here i am with Cheryl again laying on my chest and running her fingers up and down my arm like none of that ever happened. When i was a child i never dreamt that this would be my life. Sometimes i still can't believe that this is how i am living. It is funny though because i would not change a single bad decision i have made because my biggest, stupidest mistake ended up giving me the biggest blessing i could ever receive and i love that child to death, God knows.
It is Cheryl's voice that breaks the long, comfortable silence and pulls me from my own thoughts. She is murmuring my name and looking up at me with those big brown eyes i have always found myself getting lost in. "Kim?"
"Mhm?"
"I've been thinking"
"About?"
"I know you have already kind of moved back in with us but when we fly back home you can move in properly" I look at the beautiful woman in my arms and give her a smile. She rolls onto her back beside me and reaches for my hand. "Do you still have things at the flat?"
"No. I packed everything up before you were discharged from hospital. I brought most things with me back to your's and Adam collected the rest and put it in my mum's loft for me. I gave the council the key's back so i don't have the flat anymore, i kind of just figured i would be with you until you were better and then i'd look for somewhere decent"
"We'll get the rest of your things when we are back then and i'll invite me mam down when we're settled back in. She can bring the dogs back with her"
"Oh, I don't think i'm ready for that" I joke but Cheryl doesn't catch the humour in my voice. She props herself up onto her elbow and looks at me with worried eyes.
"Is this all too fast?"
"No! I was joking, babe. Don't worry" I laugh and kiss the side of her head but the worried expression on her face does not fade. "What's wrong?" I ask her and she shrugs her shoulders so i encourage her to tell me.
"It's nothing really. I was just thinkin' about the paps and that"
"What do you mean?"
"Have you thought about how they're going to be when they find out we're back together?"
I sigh and Cheryl rolls onto her side now so she is facing me. "I suppose but i don't care about them Cheryl, not anymore. You shouldn't either"
"Its hard not to when they're following us everywhere and writing made up fucking stories about us that me fans will read and-"
"And they won't believe them. They know those magazines are always full of shit"
"Yeah but it still worries us" She lays a hand flat on her stomach and says "It fills me with dread, Kimberley. Just thinking about how crazy they are going to get makes me stomach churn"
"What do you suggest we do then?" I ask her and she gives me a small shrug of her shoulder.
There is silence for a minute or two before she starts to talk again. "I think we should keep it quiet for a bit, well not keep it quiet but we don't have to broadcast it just yet. The paper's will have a field day and i know the paps have been ruthless recently but they're just going to get worse if they find out and God knows i don't want the babies going through hell again"
"So you want us to be looking over our shoulders every 2 seconds? They are going to find out eventually"
"And that's fine but i don't want to make a bloody statement or a fucking speech on twitter because why should i? It has fuck all to do with them. I am sick to death of the press, i really am and i can't be arsed with it. I just want us to enjoy being together for now and i want to get back in the studio and concentrate on me music. I think it's time i made a come back"
Cheryl does have a point. I know that her reasoning is not because she is ashamed of me but because she does genuinely get unnerved by the thought of the paparazzi hounding her and the kids and after the couple of years she has had i will do anything to give her a stress free life. Well life for Cheryl will never exactly be stress free but i want to make it as stress-less as i can and when i tell her that she kisses me gratefully. "You want to get back in the studio?" I am grinning from ear to ear at this news because while she was unwell she lost all passion to make music and it was sad to see because singing and performing has always been her life.
"Yeah, i miss it. Before me heart just wasn't in it and i've enjoyed having a break but i think i'm ready to start working again"
"I think that's brilliant, Cheryl!" I smile and run my hand through her hair.
"Really?"
"Of course. Music is what you are good at and i know how much you love it. It will be good for you to get back to work and your fans will be passed themselves with excitement! I've saw what they've been tweeting"
"I can't believe they've actually stuck around for so long. I don't deserve them" Her face is lighting up as she talks about her fans, it always does when discussing music or her supporters. I wish i had a talent like Cheryl, she was truly blessed by God with her voice and i am not sure she realises it. "I might see if i can get some studio time while we're over here, the studio just off the boardwalk has always been me favourite"
"I think that's a great idea! There is no time like the present"
Our peaceful time together comes to an end when we hear Paisley's voice bellowing from outside of our room. "Mummy, mammy the door won't open!" The door won't open because for the first time in a very long time we locked it. We didn't want anyone bursting in at the wrong moment and Paisley is not used to it so she is banging at the wood with her fist then all of a sudden we hear Alaina crying.
"I'm coming!" I groan but i really can not be bothered to get up and Cheryl must sense that because she gets up instead.
"I'll get them" She tells me and swings the door open to our daughters. Alaina is breaking her heart like we had left them here alone and Paisley latches herself onto Cheryl's legs. Picking Alaina up Cheryl chuckles against her face and with her free arm she hugs Paisley to her. "Shhh. It's okay. We're here, baby"
"Why was the door locked? You never lock it" Paisley asks us with a confused look on her face and then runs over to me to give me a cuddle. "Was it locked because you were kissing?"
"Yeah, It was actually" Laughs Cheryl and she wipes Alaina's tears away with the cuff of her top. She then climbs back into bed and both girls crawl under the covers to cuddle up to us.
"No you weren't!" Paisley is gigging and Cheryl looks at me with amusement. "You don't do that anymore"
Kissing Alaina's forehead i put her on my chest for a cuddle and Cheryl sweeps Paisley's hair out of her face. "Actually Paisley..." I begin not knowing exactly how to inform her on the news that we have got back together. She is 5 years old so she will not understand if i tell her that we are "giving our relationship another go" or that we have "got back together" because she has no idea what that means.
"Me and your mummy want us all to be a family again"
"But we already are a family"
"We are" Cheryl nods and looks at me but i nod at her to continue. This reminds me of the time we told Paisley that Cheryl was my girlfriend many moons ago but she was just a toddler then and cared more about her breakfast than anything else. "What i am trying to say is that we're going to be a happy family now, we're all going to be together like we used to be. You would like that wouldn't you?"
"Like before Laney was born?"
"That's right" I jump in. "I really love your mammy-"
"And i really love mummy so we are going to try really really hard to be the best family that we can be. We might still argue every now and then but that doesn't mean that we are going to stop loving each other" I slide my fingers between Cheryl's and Paisley is grinning like a Cheshire cat. "Do you get what i'm trying to say? I'm not really explaining meslef very well am i?"
"I understand" Paisley is still smiling at us. "Does this mean that you will be together forever and ever?"
"It does"
"Oh my God! Are you going to get married? Can i be a bridesmaid and can i wear a pink barbie dress with a crown and lighty up wellies?" She is getting herself far too excited and has started to jump up and down on the bed. The way her little mind works is fascinating and the look on her face at the prospect of dressing like a princess for the day makes Cheryl and i howl with laughter. Cheryl pulls her down on top of her and tickles her sides which makes her screech with laughter.
"Calm down, calm down. Nobody is getting married just yet and there is no way you are stomping your way down the aisle behind me in a pair of wellies"
"But that's not fair!"
"Life's not fair!"
**
When i walk down the stairs i can hear Cheryl on the phone and from bits of the conversation i have heard it sounds like she is talking to Nadine and her tone of voice tells me that they are having words. I decide to leave her to it in the living room and go into the kitchen to make us both a cuppa but i can still hear her and i listen with half an ear.
CheryI brought the girls downstairs for breakfast an hour or so ago so i could finish getting ready and while i was up there i rang Nicola to tell her my good news.I have decided on telling my family face to face because i am not sure how my mum will take it. Now i can hear a harshness in Cheryl's voice as she talks and i know as she starts ranting and raving that i am hot topic of conversation. She must have told Nadine about us getting back together, she told me that she was going to because she would've found out sooner or later. From the way their conversation is going it sounds like she hasn't taken the news well and as i had guessed, she has a lot to say. This is Cheryl's life and she does not need to answer to anyone. The sooner Nadine realises that, the better.
"I'm a grown woman Nadine and she is still the same woman i fell in love with all those years ago" I hear her say and i don't want to listen anymore but i can't help myself and it is not like i have any choice in the matter. After a short silence Cheryl's voice rises and she says "Oh, give it a rest, will you? If this friendship means anything to you i suggest that you keep your opinions to yourself. Kim is everything to me. I love her and i wont sit and listen to you bad mouth her, alright?... I mean it Nadine. We're going to make a go of things and that is that" That is the last thing i hear her say before she hisses "Fucking idiot" and i try to make myself look like i was not listening when i hear her walking towards the kitchen.
She comes straight into the kitchen and straight over to the table to sit with me and the cup of tea waiting for her. She is holding Alaina in her arms and shakes her head as she looks at me. "Did you hear all that?" She asks and i simply nod my head. There is no point lying. It would've been hard not to have heard what she was saying even if i didn't want to. "Paisley went upstairs to get a DVD and i didn't want Laney to hear all of that but she has been dead clingy this morning and wouldn't let us leave her"
"it's fine, don't worry about it. I doubt she even understood anyways... so I take it Nadine isn't too happy about us?"
"Am i supposed to give a fuck?" She says holding her hands over Alaina's ears to shield her from the bad language she is already far too used to.
Paisley comes into the kitchen now with her Moana DVD in her hand. She comes over to hug me and i kiss her face. "You look nice today, Mum"
"You do too" I tap her nose which makes her giggle and then look at Alaina sat contently on Cheryl's lap. "Can you be a big girl and take Laney into the living room with you?" I ask and she nods her head, she seems to be on her best behaviour today- lets see how long it lasts. As soon as Cheryl puts Alaina down Paisley takes her hand to take her into the living room. At first Alaina shakes her head and tries to hold onto Cheryl but as soon as she is shown the Moana DVD she follows her sister in.
"Bless her"
"Honestly Cheryl i knew that Nadine wouldn't have had much good to say. We sort of had words the other day but i didn't want to stress you out with it. I know she is your friend but she has too much to say at times, i don't know who she thinks she is"
Cheryl holds her hand up indicating that she hears me loud and clearly. "Don't worry about it. You're preaching to the converted where she is concerned. I mean i love her to death, she's me best friend but she can be a proper bitch at times"
"The thing is though, she does have your best interests at heart. You can hardly blame her after-"
She is waving her hand at me, silently telling me that she has heard enough. "Leave it out. Don't start sticking up for her now. You are right, she does have too much to say. She's a hypocrite, if you ask me. You'd think her and Sarah were the lesbian equivalent of Jay-Z and fucking Beyonce, the way she goes on"
I am laughing now and Cheryl even lets out a little laugh at her own joke. Alaina comes back into the kitchen with her arms held out so i get up to get her. She has been like this all morning. I hope she is not getting ill but her little nose is running so it is more than likely that she is. After i have wiped her nose and filled her bottle with juice i settle back at the table in front of Cheryl and she gives our baby a sympathetic smile.
"me poor baba" Her voice is low and soft and she gets up to walk around the table to lean down to kiss her forehead. "I feel bad leaving you, especially when Laney isn't feeling herself"
"You're only going to the studio, Chez you're not jetting off to another country" I'm laughing with her arms around my shoulders now. We are swaying from side to side and she kisses my head as i say "You still haven't told me what you're going to the studio to record"
"That's because i have no idea. I'll just go and have a little play around. I'm just itching to get back at it, y'know? I shouldn't be long"
"Where are you going?" Paisley comes running in and straight over to Cheryl so she can hold onto her for dear life. Cheryl made a couple of phone calls and funnily enough the studio she wants to go to is free today and so is one of her favourite producers out here so i insisted that she took the opportunity and made plans to meet him while she can. Cheryl is reluctant to go though and Paisley is making it even more difficult for her. "Don't leave me"
"I'm just going to the studio, babe. I will only be gone for a couple of hours"
"Can i come with you?" She asks looking up at Cheryl. She is giving her the look that she knows Cheryl can't say no to so i say it for her.
"No Paisley. Your mammy will be busy"
"Actually i will take her with us, she's never been to the studio with us before and it'll be nice showing her what i do and how i make my music" Paisley is bouncing with excitement having gotten her own way. Her face is beaming and it's nice that she gets so excited about spending time with her mam.
"Alright but let me make you a couple of sandwiches to take with you-"
"Kim, we don't need a packed lunch" Cheryl is laughing and tying the laces of her converse. I didn't realise until now that she is dressed similar to Paisley. I'm not sure if that was done on purpose but it is a very hot day so they both have on a pair of denim shorts. Cheryl has a plain vest top on while Paisley has a new white t shirt with "Love" sprawled across it in silver glittery writing. "I'm going to treat her to some dinner, how'd you like that? It'll be a proper mammy and Pai day"
"Just us?"
"Just us" Cheryl nods and Paisley is so exited she runs out of the kitchen to get her shoes. I think this is the fastest she has ever gotten ready to go out. Normally i have to nag at her for at least an hour just to get her coat. "I don't know what time we will be back but i thought that i could text you when we're leaving and i could meet you at the park? It might cheer Alaina up a bit and we may as well enjoy the nice weather before going home"
"Sounds like a plan" I grin and swat at her behind while she bends over to tuck the laces into her shoes. "Chez i know i'm being so needy today but give me one last kiss before you go"