NO THIS IS NOT THE FINAL CHAPTER. It's the chapter when she reads the last part of his journal! Two more chapters and a bonus one in Lacey's Pov
Chapter Fifty-Eight – The Final Entry
Bailey's Pov
As the days went from seven to six to five to four I was absolutely freaking out almost to the point of making myself sick because the knots that seemed to be forming in my stomach, they almost called Julian to come in but Kylie came and talked to me, she was right, I needed to calm down and be able to do this without him.
But that was kind of stupid since I was there helping him through it when he left and had a hard time with it but I knew it balanced, he was going on his own and I was going to him.
I was just so worried that I would fail and I would hurt everyone around me when I did. I didn't want to bring Julian down, I didn't want my brother to hate me again, I wanted to be a good Aunt to this baby and I wanted to be a good sister to Kenna.
I wanted to meet Julian's family and I wanted them to like me and I wanted my parents to stay the hell away from me and not give them the satisfaction of seeing me relapse.
It seemed so easy, just remember all that and don't do drugs, but it wasn't that easy.
I still will crave them because of my choices, my whole life will be a fight and what if I just get tired of fighting, what if I don't want to try anymore, what if I just want to give in?
Then you lose everything.
Stupid voice in my head.
I would lose everything, I would lose not just the people in my life, I would lose myself again and become the girl who let everyone walk all over her because she was too afraid and insecure to stand up for herself. I would be weak again and I didn't want to be weak, the only way to prove I was strong would be to stay clean.
I put my hands over my face and screamed in frustration.
I was so fucking tired of this! I was tired of going back and forth and thinking the same damn things and having the same damn problems, I've had this conversation like fifty thousand times and it was annoying the hell out of me, why can't my emotions just settle on one place.
Preferably positive but if it was negative I could work with that too, I just wanted to know what I was feeling, to be able to place them and know where I stand so maybe it would be easier when I left in three days now. I just wanted to be happy and I wanted life to be easy.
For once in my life I just wanted things to be easy, just for a little bit.
I got up and went to my appointment with Robert, maybe he could help me figure something out.
"Hey Bailey." He said when I opened the door
"Hey." I sat down
"How are you feeling today?" he asked
"I don't know. I'm happy and excited but worried and afraid and I want to leave but I don't want to leave. I feel weak but I think I may be strong and I want a better life but I don't want it to be hard, I just want to give up and stop fighting but I know I can't. I just want things to be better, I want to know what I'm feeling and I just want it all to stop!" I spilled out and he just nodded as he listened.
"Everything you're feeling is normal Bailey, you don't know what it's going to be like so it's okay to be confused and it's okay to have conflicting emotions. It will be hard and you know that, which is good."
"My brother will be here in two months." I said
"Are you excited?" he asked and I smiled and nodded
"Yeah, he and Kenna got married over there so they could come with him and they're going to have another ceremony over here eventually when they get settled down. They were going to do it just over here but a fiancé can't come."
"So you have a new sister?" he asked and I nodded
"Only sister now, I'm pretty excited. I can't wait to meet them. Their stuff will be here first so I'm going to supervise that for them and then I'll be picking them up at the airport."
"See, when you get down just focus on that, find a point to look forward to in your life. You have getting out, what's next?" he asked and I almost spilled about Kylie's wedding.
"Drew, he's two months out."
"And how about next?" he asked and I thought about it.
"Julian's birthday I guess." That was in March.
"It can be holidays too; Valentine's Day could be a great day for you two, a nice date. It doesn't have to be anything big, just enough to give you something to look forward to" He suggested and I blushed but nodded.
"After his birthday is Easter, I love Easter and Micah will be cute looking for Easter eggs."
"After that?" he asked
"A year since Rehab, I could be negative about it, but it will be a year since I've done drugs, that's good, right?" I smiled a small smile
"It's a great thing; a year sober is a big deal."
"Next is Micah's birthday." I moved on since I wasn't sure how I felt about that last one.
"And then?" he asked and I smiled, this did help.
"Mine and Drew's birthday is the end of June and it was the day Julian asked me to be his girlfriend." I liked my birthday
"Fourth of July and then Kenna's birthday is the next day, then" I trailed off and he sighed but nodded
"A year since her death; my advice, spend that day in with Julian or with someone who will keep a careful eye on you, his mother or your brother, after that it will get easier, the one year is always the hardest Bailey, it will all be okay and you'll get past it and then it almost comes around to those very dates you're excited about now." He was right of course
"I want to be sober for all of that, I don't want to miss any of those days or be detoxing for them, I want to be clean and happy and enjoy them with people."
"I know, so remember that, remember those dates and remember that those won't be there if you relapse."
"Thank you." I told him, it was just that more motivation to stay clean.
"Anytime, you can always call or make an appointment with me even when you're out of her Bailey, I want everyone to succeed."
"Thank you Robert, I know I wasn't the best person when I got here and I'm just glad that you stuck with me through it."
"Of course." There was a knock at the door signaling that he had another patient and so I left to go back to my room and I finished his journal, the only thing left to read was the letter at the end of it that was addressed to me and for some reason I was reluctant to do so.
I let it sit there for another day until Kylie convinced me to read it, I was leaving in two days and I should really read it before I left, I guess it would be like a new start, reading it and getting it out there while I was in here and then leaving and seeing things more clearly while I was with him.
Bailey,
If you're reading this it hopefully means you got through the whole thing and didn't just stop after the first few entries. I hope that I didn't hurt you with them because I didn't intend to. I wanted to show you what kind of person I was when I got here and I wanted to show you the kind of person I am now that I have you.
I wanted you to see that you aren't the only one that's been helped in here, you think that you don't help me like I help you but that's not true, you do more for me than you can imagine. You gave me back my life pretty girl, you made me feel again and you made me into the person I've always wanted to be.
You have to know how much you mean to me because you know how much Mia meant to me, I used to call her pretty girl when she was still alive and you're the only person I can call that now, to me that makes you special because you are.
I can't wait to see you when you get out of there because I already miss you and I haven't even left, I hope the next month helps you find peace in leaving and with yourself so when I come to get you we can move forward instead of being stuck in the past.
I love you Bailey, please never doubt that. I may screw up and say stupid things but I will always love you and I can't wait to see you and I think the world of you for what you're about to put up with for me when you get out of here.
I'm going to marry you Bailey, I know you don't believe it yet but you'll see.
I hope you're staying strong and I know that you're strong enough to make it through all of this without me there all the time, I know that you can make it out there with me and I know that you'll be worried and filled with doubts but you don't have to be.
When you need someone to be strong for you I'll be there, always.
Love,
Julian.
It really does amaze me how well he knows me. I don't know why I was so worried about reading this, maybe I thought for some reason it would say okay, you spent hours reading, I hate you and never want to see you again.
I can be so freaking irrational.
I hoped that he could be strong for both of us as well as me because we were both going to need to be if we wanted to make this work and I really did and it kind of seemed like he did as well, okay, not kind of he was dead set on being with me and I don't think there is anything I could do that would make him hate me, not that I wanted him to, just that he loves me and it feels amazing to feel that kind of love from him.
He makes me a better person too and it means so much to him that I'm willing to stand by his side and take all the heat with him, he's done so much for me there was no way I couldn't be willing to do that for him.
Two more days and it's like life won't be on pause anymore, it would finally be put on play and I wanted to move forward too, I didn't want to live in the past and how we were, I wanted to be who we are now.
God this motivational crap was getting old but I do admit that it does kind of help right now, it's nice to sit there and imagine a nice and happy world a head of us, it's like when Robert told me to think of certain dates, I can think ahead and imagine things happy and perfect, the in between won't be like that but if I can sit there and picture the moments I know will be happy then it may be enough to make all the hard things we're going to go through in between those times worth it.
Julian and my family were worth it, that much I knew.