I stood up, pulling Luke up to join me. Together we walk down the hall cautiously.
Just his touch, the brush of his fingers as they intertwine smoothly with mine, is enough to rejuvenate my confidence, to calm the nerves pecking at me from the inside. Our interlocking hands were interlocking our strength. Together, we could get through whatever was lying ahead. When we are together, all of our opposing forces cancel out.
Stopping outside of Ashton’s door, Luke’s fingers slip out of mine, knocking against the battered wood.
“Who is it?” Ashton sounds as if he was speaking into a pillow. His voice seemed distant.
“Maddie,” My voice comes out shaky.
“And, err, Luke,” Luke shuffles his feet nervously.
For a minute there was silence. I began to bite my nails, not sure why my nerves were acting up. I hear the squeak of a bedspring. The sound of slow footsteps neared us until the door was creaking open. Puffy eyed Ashton was staring back at me.
“Can we talk?” I ask, wanting so badly to engulf him in a hug. He just stares at me for a moment, but eventually nods, letting us step inside. Luke takes a seat in the black beanbag chair in the corner. Ashton’s back was to me, probably rubbing his eyes to remove any evidence of his shattered remnants. When he turns around, I can’t help but slide my arms around his chest, giving him a hug to glue back his pieces. To gather the remnants and piece him back together. For a moment he was stiff. For a moment I thought maybe he was too shattered to fix. Taking a deep breath, Ashton’s arms wrap around me. The both of us savoring the way it felt to feel all together. The way it felt to be whole.
He lets go, both of us sitting on the floor across from Luke. Ashton looks at Luke questioningly, not understanding, but neither of us offer an explanation just yet. One barrier at a time.
There were so many things I needed to say, so many things I wish I didn’t need to say. I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know how to show this broken boy that I could put his pieces back together. How to show this broken boy it wasn’t over yet.
“Why are you leaving me?” Ashton’s knees were hugging his chest, his eyes tracing the engraved lettering on his bracelets.
“Ash, you know that I would never leave you. You know that,” I place my hand on his knee, quietly telling him the story of the divorce, how I got no say in anything, and how my seemly perfect family was ready to break apart and move on. Except I didn’t need to move on. Everything I need is here. My family, all of whom are used to perfection and complete order were now placing me in a world of uncertainty and new beginnings. This couldn’t be the end of the story for me. I don’t need a new beginning.
After I finish my story Ashton’s eyes were glued to me, his face distraught, none of my words bringing him comfort. The reality of my story wasn’t comforting.
“You didn’t tell me about the divorce,” Ashton’s voice was soft, his eyes finding mine. “You were too busy trying to save me that you didn’t notice that maybe you were drowning too.”
I stayed quiet, a loss of words. There are points in your life when you have nothing left to give. I wanted to give Ashton good news, I wanted to see his smile, but the truth was there was none left to give.
“You don’t always have to be the strong one Madds,” Ashton wrapped his arms around my shoulder. I could feel my throat clenching. “Sometimes you are the one who needs help.”
I could feel the tears rolling gently down my cheeks. I was just so lost.
I heard Luke shift on the beanbag. Ashton brought his focus up to him.
“Why are you here Luke?” Ashton question with confusion. Luke looked at me anxiously, his teeth grazing roughly over his lip ring.
“Ash, there is something else that I need to tell you,” I say hesitantly. I don’t know why I was so nervous to tell him. Ashton was happy about us before, well until the end. I just didn’t want to give him another reason to be broken.
“What?” His voice cracks nervously.
I look at Luke, he was fiddling with his fingers, his eyes rereading Ashton’s band posters.
“Luke and I are back together,” I say quickly without a breath. I watch Ashton’s eyes harden, his mouth slightly agape, glancing from Luke to me with confusion. There is something behind his eyes that make me believe he may have been shattered just a little bit more. The shards are too small to see, but if you take another step you will feel them.
Ashton opens his mouth, about to speak, his eyes traveling up to mine.
Luke’s POV
My fingers squeeze the styrofoam beans inside the beanbag as I watch the two of them talk. It was all a little bit too emotional for me, but then again considering what happened out back I had no room to judge.
I just couldn’t think about the fact that she was actually leaving.
Part of me will never accept the fact. Not until I see her plane departing. Even then, I will expect to turn around and see her waiting for me. I just can’t picture a moment without her.
Denial is a safe place.
“Luke and I are back together.”
My breathing hitches, my focus zoning in on Ashton. His eyes widen, looking at me with confusion and disbelief. There was a second where I saw his face fall. I saw the truth. The truth he has been trying so hard to hide. He couldn’t hide from the boys and I. We know each other too well. For some reason, Maddie just hasn’t caught on yet.
The second passes, the flash was gone without Maddie noticing. Ashton’s face went from a hidden distraught to a wide grin. A forced grin, but he pulled it off so well.
“Really?” Ashton looks up at his posters. His eyes trailing the room, avoiding my gaze. Avoiding the possibility of catching my eye. Avoiding the chance of exploiting the truth. “How did this happen?”
I watch Maddie slowly rehash the story. With each detail her nerves calm, her breathing steadies. Maybe that is why Ashton hides it, to keep her happy.
“Sorry I didn’t tell you Ash, we just thought it was for the best if-“
“It’s okay, I get it,” Ashton cut her off. “I’m happy it finally worked out for you two,” he gives her a smile. I suppose the lies were worth it because she grinned, giving him a hug. I watched as his arms slowly wrapped around her, his eyes shut, savoring the feeling.
Part of me felt bad for him.
There was a soft knock on the door, blonde curls peeking in.
“Maddie, I have to go now,” Grace whispers, glancing around the room. Maddie got up, offering to walk Grace out. They both left, leaving Ashton and I.
“Are you sure you are okay with this?” I ask quietly, wishing Ashton would just tell me the truth. His eyes find their way back to the ceiling.
“Yeah, of course,” he bites the inside of his cheek.
“You know, you don’t have to pretend with me Ashton. We all know,” I try to push him. To show him I care.
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” he clenches his jaw.
“Ashton-“
“There is nothing wrong Luke!” Ashton yells at me. He straightens up, covering his mouth. “Sorry, I’m just- I’m tired.”
I nodded, my body suddenly feeling small as if it could get engulfed by the beanbag.
Ashton plopped back onto his bed, covering his face with his pillow. I walked over, shuffling my feet, pausing a foot away. Leaning over, I gave his chest a poke.
“What?” he grumbled.
“Birthday cuddle?” I ask, my voice high. He lifts the pillow from his face, revealing a deep scowl.
“I don’t like cuddles,” his jaw tightens. I just stare at him, not sure how else to help. I wanted to help though. He looked at my pathetic attempt and rolled his eyes, scooting over. I smile, rolling next to him.
Just as I start to nuzzle my head onto his shoulder he sits up, “Fuck, I can’t do this,” Ashton giggles, jumping off the bed. I laugh, biting my lip. “Sorry man,” he holds out a hand to lift me up. “Let’s go see what everyone is doing.”
Whatever Calum is my best cuddle buddy anyway…
Wait no Maddie is.
No, probably Calum.
Walking into the dim light of the living room, Maddie and Calum have Michael pinned to the ground. Both of them were attacking his sides with…tickles? What the hell.
“Admit it!” Maddie’s head swings back in laughter, jabbing Michael’s side.
“Never!” Michael gasps.
“Say it!” Calum yells through his laughter, fingers digging into Michael’s side.
I glance at Ashton, he shrugs, just as clueless as me, but we both hop around the couch, and begin to help the other two. All of us were now attacking Michael.
“FINE! Fuck! I like Grace okay?” Michael gasps, pleading for us to halt. Maddie and Calum high five, the room slowly filling with laughter.
“I knew it,” Maddie smirks, noticing that Ashton and I have joined the group.
Her eyes find mine, the connection I hope will never get cut. The line I hope travels nationwide. Her lips mouth something to me, but I am too lost in the motion to read what she is saying. She tries again, mouthing are you okay?
I nod, giving her a half smile. I was okay enough. I was treading water in the midst of the storm. I knew the big wave was coming, but for now I was content with the fact I was surviving. I was content with the fact I still had time.
As the laughter dies down, we are all sprawled out on the living room floor, laying on our backs as our laughs turn into heavy breaths.
“We are still having birthday cake, right?” Michael asks as if it was a serious question. Everyone burst out into laughter again. I had almost forgotten it was my birthday. My stomach hurt from laughing so much, but it was pain I was willing to endure.
Michael jumps up, pulling the rest of us up one by one and running into the kitchen. Maddie runs up to join him, pulling out a small round cake and placing it on the table. I could tell that she made it. The words were slightly slanted, the icing slightly uneven, yet I couldn’t ask for a better cake. Her smile was priceless. The way she looked at me, wanting and waiting for me to be happy. The way she walks over to me and kisses my cheek. The way she makes me feel happy when it feels impossible.
Everyone starts to sing, my cheeks reddening as I rub my neck. During the song everyone screamed out different names.
“Happy birthday to-“
“Lukey,” Calum poked my cheek.
“Lerk,” Ashton's voice was extra low.
“Derpface,” Michael stuck out his tongue.
“Luke,” Maddie looked at the others confused.
“Happy birthday to you,” they all finished. Ashton drummed his hands against the table, creating a dramatic punk rock ending.
“Make a wish,” Maddie whispered in my ear. I bit my lip, closing my eyes and leaning forward.
I wish we could all stay together, at least for a little longer.
It’s not like these ever came true anyway. When I turned fifteen I wished I could be friends with All Time Low and that never happened. When I was seven I wished I could be my own superhero and that never happened either.
Dreams are just our way to tell ourselves the impossible can happen. They are just another way to raise our hopes. Just another reason why we are constantly let down.
Maddie handed us all a slice, but nobody began to eat. I raised my eyebrows, but before I could question it, I felt hands pushing my head. Before I knew it, my face was engraved in the cake, and I had icing up my nose. Everyone began to laugh, including me. I dug my hand into the icing, turning and spreading it right on Maddie’s face. She giggles, trying to lick her nose before throwing cake at Ashton.
Within a few minutes the kitchen was covered in cake chunks, and each of us were covered with icing and crumbs. Calum was making cake angels on the floor, Michael was eating cake off of his body. The room was filled with laughter. It was one of the moments you wish that you could bottle up and keep with you forever. One of those moments that tricked you into believing everything was okay.
Just as we began our fetal attempt at cleaning up, the phone rang. Ashton slid through the cake covered floors and picked it up.
“Hello?” He giggled into the phone. His face quickly turned serious, motioning for us all to shush. “Yes, this is Ashton Irwin, the drummer.” Ashton walked into the other room, everyone quickly following him. He was nodding along, muttering yes and okay here and there. “Of course I will let the boys know, thank you.”
Ashton brought the phone down, the beep of the off button echoing around the silent room.
“Well…” I leaned forward. Ashton’s mouth was gaping open, staring at us.
“They want us to do a tour back home. They want us to do a tour in Australia,” His face breaks into a smile, hopping up. My mouth drops, jumping up with him. Calum and Michael yell, all of us tackling each other into a big hug on the couch.
“When do we leave?” Calum yells into Ashton’s chest as we detach ourselves.
“July 26th,” Ashton giggles back.
Maddie’s POV
Ashton hangs up the phone, looking up at us, gaping. “They want us to do a tour back home. They want us to do a tour in Australia.”
The boys jump up, flying onto the couch in a group hug.
A tour? In Australia?
I smile at the sight of them, at the sight of their pure happiness, but inside I think I just broke a bit more.
Everything felt so real now.
Everything felt so final.
“July 26th,” Ashton announces proudly to the room. I lift my head, looking around at the boys.
“That’s the same day that I leave,” I whisper quietly. A look of realization hits each of them slowly. Realization that this is actually going to happen. We are all going to go our separate ways. I get up shakily, edging my way towards the door. “Its late, my parents are going to be home soon, I should go,” my voice is beginning to crack. My throat is tightening.
“Madds-“Ashton begins. Luke takes a step towards me, but I shake my head, slipping out the door quickly.
Running to my car, I feel the tears begin to fall. They soon turned into sobs as I started my car engine.
For some reason I had this hope in the back of my mind that everything was going to work out. I thought that in the end, none of this would ever happen. I would find a way to stay here, and I would find a way to stay with the boys. I thought for sure this wouldn’t be the end of the story.
I forgot that their story was still being written. With or without me, their pages were still turning. I was just a small blot of ink in the midst of an unfinished story.
I had never truly thought that this would be the end, but it seemed as if our lives were ready to keep going, without each other, in opposite directions with no intersection.
I was thrown out of my safe harbor of denial. I was thrown into the cold reality that this was happening and there was no escape.
Sorry if this chapter is sort of bad :/ I was lacking creative thoughts haha.
I promise the next chapter will be lots better(;
Love ya,
Maddie
P.S. If you guys want to be friends just message me you are all such funny people(; We should have a giant meetup one day. Could you imagine?