SURPRISE!
Cheryl is sat laughing with the girls on our flight to Los Angeles. She had her heart dead set on returning to her favourite place and of course i did not take much persuading. I watch in amazement as Cheryl laughs and jokes so jovially after a terrible few months. She is like a new person nowadays, she is so much happier and so are the girls, that much is obvious. I know that when the press hear about us jetting off together they are going to have a field day but Cheryl was right about what she said. She needs this holiday, it will do her the world of good and we shouldn't have to go through life worrying about what is going to be printed in a paper or written in a blog. We thought it was best to leave Hailie in the more than capable hands of her mother but i am worried about how Amy will cope without my help but then again she is still at home and has the rest of our family to rely on. Really though she should be doing the majority of childcare herself, she is her child after all.
"What are you lot laughing at?"
I turn around from the air stewardess and hand Cheryl the tea she has went on and on for since sitting down and she takes it gratefully to cup between her palms. "I wanted mammy to draw me a duck and look at it!"
"That's a duck?" I laugh loudly at the picture Paisley is holding in her hands. Alaina is sat beside her on her seat and its a tight squeeze but neither of them seem to mind.
"Duck?" Alaina squints, tilting her head to the side and her little actions make me laugh even more than i was.
"Leave us alone, i'm not an artist you know!"
"I can see that!" I am laughing again and so is Cheryl. I am happy to see her getting back to her old self but i am even happier to see her deep dimples on a regular occurance. "I'm not being funny Chez but that looks more like a cow than a duck"
"You're a bloody cow, i tell you that"
"Wow!" I hold a hand to my chest in mock offence and she lets out an adorable chuckle. Paisley and Alaina busy themselves again with the drawing pad and coloured pens in front of them and Cheryl sips at her hot drink with a frown. "Alright, Chez?" Her facial expressions always amuse me.
"This is like dirty dishwater, have a taste of that" I shake my head, declining her offer and she looks into the mug. "It doesn't hold a candle to your, i have to admit"
"Well i am the tea queen, arent i?" That was always my nickname at home because i always made the best tea. I remember just how everyone likes their cuppas and their favourite biscuits to dunk into them.
Cheryl and the girls all look adorable. Last week she gave me her card and demanded that i went "Holiday shopping" She insisted that we all got new wardrobes for our trip to LA and of course Paisley took full advantage of her Mam's good will. I could not calm her shopping spree down and when i facetimed Cheryl from one of our favourite kid's boutiques in hope that she would side with me and tell Paisley to put half of the things she had thrown into the basket back i was left disappointed as Cheryl told me to stop worrying and to get every outfit, accessory and pair of shoes she had picked, including a £80 pair of boots that she will only end up scuffing the toes of. Cheryl had secretly ordered so much clothes for the girls online that sending me into town to fill their suitcases was unnecessary. Today the girls and Cheryl all have a baby pink velvet tracksuit on that they have matched with 3 pairs of white converse trainers. I have to say that they do look very cute and i can't wait to dress the girls up like little dolls in all of their new outfits.
With a bit of a sulk Cheryl gives her cup of tea back and i listen to her ramble on about all of the things she wants to do while we are away. This is another thing i am loving about Cheryl at the minute- the way she has started to talk my ears off about everything and anything. She has never shut up this week and i'm not sure if that is a blessing or a curse.
"So all you want to do is tan, all holiday?"
She nods her head happily. "and eat! If anything can cure me lack of appetite it's american food"
"Lets hope so, eh?"
"Yeah" She says while tilting her head onto my shoulder.
"Does america have ice cream?"
"I'm not sure" I frown at our 5 year old who must have been listening to our whole conversation. "What do you think, mam?"
"I think so but they only sell it to good girls and boys so you know what that means, don't you?"
Paisley stops colouring in her picture and nods her head. "It means I've got to be a good girl but if i'm not by accident then you or mummy can just buy it for me because the ice cream man will never know"
"I don't think it works like that, Pai" Cheryl looks at me and i can tell she is trying to hide her amusement because Paisley always has an answer to everything. "The ice cream man is like Santa he knows everything!"
*
"Are you sure you feel alright?"
Cheryl nods her head but since pulling into the driveway in the cab we got from the airport she has had a sudden change in mood. I thought she would have been ecstatic to be back in this house, it is her pride and joy. Instead she has grown quiet and has became very withdrawn. She has hardly said two words since getting out of the car but i could not get a word in edge ways on the plane.
"I'm fine. Want a cuppa?"
"I'll make them, you look knackered"
"I am and i think we both know who is to blame for that" She raises her eyebrow at our youngest daughter who is taking everything in with her wide eyes. This is her first holiday, her first time aboard so of course her first time in his house that we once called home. She is rubbing her eye with her fist as Paisley drags her around excitedly. She is over the moon to be back here even if Cheryl isn't. It is like having Deja vu though, just like the first time here she has not stopped complaining about the heat.
Alaina caused murders on the plane about an hour before landing. In all fairness it was such a long flight i am surprised we lasted as long as we did without any major tears or tantrums but things soon changed once her tiredness got too much for her and she had a meltdown that made every singe person that was sat around us hate us. Cheryl and i both tried our best to calm her down as much as possible but she was kicking up such a fuss it was impossible. Things only got worse when Paisley started to act herself too, it almost reduced me to tears myself. Cheryl was sick to death of people giving us judgemental looks and making comments under their breaths that when the woman sat in front of us made a snide comment she almost lost her head. "Shes just a fucking baby!" were Cheryl's exact words to the woman and everyone else around us. I had to plead with her not to get into an argument because i don't think i would've been able to cope.
"You can go and have a lie down if you want?"
"I said i'm fine" She snaps then turns to the girls. Alaina is raising her arms at me so i can lift her off the ground and Paisley shoots me a cheeky grin as i look at her. "Look at the way they look at you...major heart eyes" She is changing the subject just like she always does when the conversation turns to how she is feeling or how she looks. I ignore how she is forcing a smile onto her face. I don't dare continue to question how she is really feeling because i know that she is sick to her back teeth of it.
Holding out my hands and laughing at my own joke i am about to make i say. "All women look at me like that" It was said to lighten the mood but Cheryl doesn't laugh, she doesn't even smile she rolls her eyes and continues to clean the kitchen counter that was spotless to begin with."I was only joking" I tell her and she ignores me again. We are both aware that the children now, especially Paisley are looking at us with worried expressions on their small faces. They pick up on everything going on around them at the minute and it is not healthy. "Laney hasn't seen your room yet has she Pai, why don't you go and show her?" Paisley takes her little sisters hand and takes her out of the room without a word.
"I'm sorry Kimberley, its just weird being back here. I'm being a proper cow at the minute, just ignore us " Cheryl's voice is low. It sounds like its about to crack so i pull her into me to give her a much needed cuddle. I can smell her expensive perfume and the stench of cigarettes mixing together and as always, i love it. "This place hasn't changed a bit but we have, haven't we? So much has happened since the last time we were here"
"I know" I whisper and kiss her head. "Some good came out of everything though didn't it?" She pulls out of my arms and flashes me a smile.
She nods her head and leans back into the counter. "You're still going to sleep in our room, arent you? You're not going to leave us?"
"I...I dont know" I say quietly, not exactly knowing how to answer that question because in all honesty i don't know what the best thing to do is. At home Cheryl still crawls into my bed every night. We haven't slept apart in weeks and i'm not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.
"Please stay with us, it is your room as much as mine..." I just nod my head and she carries on talking with a smile that she is trying her hardest to hide on her face. "We'll have to get some things for Laney though like a crib and a highchair, the normal things"
"We're only going to be here a couple of weeks"
"Yeah but we'll be back so we may as well get them now whist we're here and anyways it gives us an excuse to shop doesn't it just like the time you complained so much about me bed we had to get a new one" There is a jokiness in her voice and it takes me back to the first time i came here and in our bedroom was a bed she once shared with her ex-husband. It knocked me sick picturing her cuddled up with him in it so that day we went out and got a new one.
"I didn't complain that much, you insisted on it if i remember correctly!"
"yeah, true" She pulls a face at me. "We can do that tomorrow but tonight i need some italianos in my life!"
*
"What's the time, Kimba?" I have just finished tidying the living room and re-plumping the cushions when i hear Cheryl's voice from the hallway.
"Its time you bought a bloody watch" I laugh but don't get a reply. The kids are really looking forward to going out for dinner tonight. They are wound up like springs, running circles around the white leather sofa and screaming at the top of their voices. I decide to go out into the hallway to see how Cheryl looks. She showed me the dress she was thinking about wearing before getting changed and i thought she would look amazing in it and of course i was right. My jaw is nearly on the floor when i walk out to see her coming down the staircase with her hand held to the banister. "God Chez you look a million dollars"
Cheryl smiles at me but it isn't a proper smile, it doesn't reach her eyes. To untrained eyes you'd think that she was thankful for the compliment but i know Cheryl and i know that she doesn't feel comfortable despite looking the best she has looked in a long time. I can't remember the last time i saw her wearing something like this. She has curled her hair so long glossy curls tumble down her small back and she has done her makeup perfectly too.
"This is the first time I've wore a dress in a while and look at us! I look like a fucking skeleton" I can tell that she is on the verge of tears as she talks and looks at herself in the mirror. It is true that she has lost weight but she is slowly putting it back on and she doesn't look so thin that she looks ill like she did just weeks ago. She looks healthy, her skin is glowing.
When Alaina comes in i don't want her to pick up on the atmosphere so i say as brightly as i can. "Here comes the little princess" and i watch her run to Cheryl. She is running to her like Cheryl has been out all day and just walked through the door, not like she had just been upstairs getting ready.
"Hey, you" Cheryl smiles as soon as she sees her and swoops her up into her arms to hug her. "Has madam put the mirror down yet?" we both laugh when we hear small voice from the living room shout
"I''m not a madam!"
Paisley and Alaina's outfits are lovely and Paisley cant stop looking at herself. She is over the moon with it which i am happy about because it cost Cheryl an arm and a leg and she didn't just buy one of them. She has matched the girls in a white top with frills around the necks, a pair of beige shorts that match their cardigans, bows and their knee length socks that also have tiny little bows on the side. Cheryl has always been obsessed with Spanish babywear and that's what she spends most of her money on. They look like two little dolls, they really do. Cheryl bathed, dressed and played with the them in the time it took me to get ready but in my defence i wasn't just getting ready. I was sorting bags out, unpacking suitcases and looking through the clothes we left here years ago.
Paisley comes into the hallway in her new outfit and i still cant get over how lovely it is. I dread the day she no longer wants to wear pretty bows, knee length socks and match with her little sister. Before i know it she is going to be a teenager, slamming doors and backchatting me and her mam even more than she already does. The one thing i want to give her is good memories, a childhood she can look back on and know that i did everything in my power to make sure she was happy. Cheryl justifies the ways she spoils her by saying that she wants to give her everything she never had growing up and i totally understand that because i feel the exact same way.
Paisley lifts Cheryl's mood as soon as she walks into the hallway. "You look lovely, mammy! You look like a real life princess" She says and she means it. She hugs her legs and Cheryl puts an arm around her, hugging her back. She doesn't reply, she doesn't need to because just like that all the sadness Cheryl was feeling has left her but that is only to be expected. Paisley despite how challenging she can be at times is a sweet child, she has lifted Cheryl's mood without even realising it.
"She's right, you really do look lovely"
"You better pack it in or i wont be able to get out the door because of how big me head is" Cheryl now grins and gets out her phone. "Lets take a picture, eh? Then we better get our ars- i mean bums into gear and get some food down us. I'm so hungry i could eat a horse"
*
Cheryl has always enjoyed the food over here and the little Italian restaurant we are sat in tonight has always been her favourite place to eat. I say "sat in" but we're sat outside on a table surrounded by cosy little lights and diners enjoying the live music. As soon as Paisley had finished her food she was up on her feet and dancing to the music. Alaina would probably be up with her if she wasn't overly tired again and falling asleep on my lap. I watch Paisley with amusement as she jumps around and twirls unsteadily on one food and the other diners are watching her too. Paisley has always been a little performer and of course Cheryl loves that about her.
"We should put her in dance classes, y'know" Cheryl says to as she watches our daughter and i laugh nodding my head.
"Yeah it looks like she needs them"
"You're terrible!" She playfully pushes my arm with a chuckle. Cheryl is right though we should put her in dance classes because she would love it. She loves hearing about the dance school Cheryl used to dance at when she was a little girl and looking at old pictures of a little Chezza in her dance uniforms. Maybe we can look into it when we get back to England but finding her an actual school is at the top of our priorities at the minute.
Its nice now that Cheryl and i can sit in a comfortable silence without feeling the need to speak. Cheryl starts to laugh randomly and i look at her as if she is mad. "You alright, babe? Laughing away on your own"
"They really will take us away if they see us laughing to meself, won't they?"
"definitely" I laugh trying to settle Alaina as she starts to whine.
"I've got a lot to be happy about. I've realised that now. I have 2 beautiful daughters, I've got you..." She shows me her dimples and i can feel my heart swelling in my chest. If someone would have told me that we would all be sat here enjoying each others company like this months ago i would have just laughed at them. Its nice to see her happy again and i think she was right about this trip; it is already doing her the world of good. "I was thinking that we could go out one night, just the two of us. We have a lot to talk about, don't we?"
I nod my head. "But what about the girls?"
"Don't worry about that. I'll sort it"
Alaina starts to whinge and despite my efforts she won't settle for me so i pass her to Cheryl and she tries to settle her the best she can while being aware that people are looking our way. "She can be a right stroppy mare when the fancy takes her" She comments with a smile and i am sure she already knows what my reply to that will be-
"Takes after her mam then doesn't she?" I smirk and she sticks her tongue out at me. Alaina quickly stops fussing and starts to fiddle with the ends of Cheryl's hair in the palm of her hand just like Paisley did as a toddler. When Cheryl puts her dummy back in her mouth she falls asleep against her chest. Of course this results in a smug smile from Cheryl across the table as she says "Looks like we have another mammy's girl on our hands"
"Rub it in why don't you" I give her a playful eyeroll but she does have a point. Alaina is obsessed with Cheryl and always reaches for Cheryl before me. From the day Alaina was born they have had an unbreakable bond and i can see it as she looks down to admire our youngest daughter in her arms and it takes me back to the day she was born.
Alaina came into this world a few weeks early but without any complication and even though she was on the small side she was healthy and the noise she made proved that. The girl had a good set of lungs on her. The labour was a smooth one and just like when Paisley was placed onto my chest at just a few seconds old i was overwhelmed with love for the tiny new human i had just brought into the world. Cheryl was by my side though it all. My hand was in her, she was great. She really was. When Alaina arrived Cheryl was in tears and watching her hold our baby for the first time and gently kissing the top of her head i felt the urge to cry too. I will never forget the look on her face as she looked me in my eyes and said. "She's perfect" she was beaming from ear to ear. I knew then that i would never love anyone like i love Cheryl. I knew we were going through a rough patch but i wanted to hold onto her and what we had for as long as possible. I never imagined our relationship would turn out like it did.
Now looking at Cheryl and our daughters and the way she looks at me i think we are getting back on track once and for all. Soon it will all be ok and that is a good feeling especially after the couple of months we have had. I am just enjoying this moment, i don't ever want it to end. "Come here Pai and give your mammy a big hug" She is holding her arm out to Paisley as she finally comes back to the table and she happily does as Cheryl asked. Cheryl then begins to kiss her face over and over again making her giggle so loud i'm afraid she will wake Alaina up. No matter how distant or snappy Cheryl has been lately Paisley has never questioned the love she has for her. I have a good feeling about this holiday, i can't wait to start it properly.