OLIVER's POV
It took me too long to react. I was frozen at spot, my brain refusing to deliver the needed signals for me to move. It was like paralysis. I was so shocked I simply forgot what needed to be done. What was even happening? What was Victor doing to me? He was too close. There was a suspicious wetness on my lips that wasn't supposed to be there, and I could feel his breath on them.
My face was on fire. Were there hands on my cheeks?
A gentle touch of his tongue and an attempt to make me return the kiss worked as an electric jolt, which got me out of the trance. I pushed him away, staring at him in utter terror, my mind turning into a complete mess. As much as I wanted to yell at him and call him every swear word I knew, I couldn't make a sound. All I managed was a nonsensical stuttering.
My lips were still tingling as an ugly evidence of what had happened, my whole body starting to tremble. Unwanted memories flooded my already confused mind, and I felt tears filling my eyes.
This couldn't be happening.
Not sparing him a glance, I got in the car and locked the doors in case Vic got some weird idea of getting in as well. You never knew with him. His brain worked on completely different waves compared to normal people.
Trying to calm down, I squeezed the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white. I wasn't in any state to drive, too shaken up and too confused, but we couldn't stay there any longer. I needed to get back home. I needed to get back to Josh.
"Oh, God," I whispered, realizing just how bad the situation really was. I might had not returned the kiss, but I was naïve enough to give him an opportunity to do it on his own. I knew the guy. I knew what kind of a person he was. But I still let my guard down. A mistake I was going to regret for a long time. I was sure of it.
"Daddy?" Matt's voice sounded from behind me, making me realize I didn't have time to panic or cry over spilt milk.
Breathing out and wiping away the tears in my eyes, I turned to look at him, putting on the best smile I could at the moment.
"I'm sorry it took such a long time. You have to be tired, right? I'll be taking us home now." I tried for a better, encouraging smile as I could feel my attempt earlier failed terribly, waiting for Matty to return the smile. I could see he knew something was up and wanted to fire off several questions, but he didn't. He just nodded his head in a very slow motion, his lips turning upwards. He had to be exhausted. There was no other explanation as to why he was so tame at the moment.
Turning back, I started the car and got out of the parking lot, continuing on our way home. I wanted to be back as soon as possible.
***
By the time I was parking the car in our garage, guilt filled my whole being, and I wasn't sure I was ready to see Josh. How was I going to explain this to him? There was no way in hell I could keep this a secret. Secrets like this had no place in a relationship, if we wanted it to work. I had to tell him what happened. The only problem was I wasn't sure how. Do I just spill it out the moment I see him? Should I prepare him somehow? Or should we calmly sit down the next day and discuss it as if nothing happened? There were too many possibilities and even though I knew Josh very well, we never had to deal with a situation like this, and I was afraid of his reaction. I was terrified of what he would do and say. He was worried about this meeting from the beginning. Telling him what happened would just confirm his fears, and just the imagination of his possible response made me shiver in uneasiness.
"We're home, Matty. You need to take a bath or at least shower after the whole day in the park. Do you want to eat something first?" I asked while helping him out the car, trying not to think about anything at all. Getting Matthias to bed was my priority at the moment, and it couldn't be done before he washed away all the sweat and dirt from the afternoon.
"I just want some milk before going to bed," he mumbled, his eyes glazed over. He was ready to sleep, the exhaustion visible on every part of his body.
"Okay, buddy. Let's get you clean and ready for bed. I'll warm up some milk for you right after." I smiled, taking him in my arms and going straight for the bathroom after taking off our shoes and jackets. Putting him down and instructing him to take off the rest of his clothes, I went to check on Josh. I could hear the television in the living room was on, so my first steps led there. And I was lucky to find him on the couch.
A soft smile tugged on my lips. He was sleeping, one leg collapsed over the edge of the couch, his mouth slightly opened. He was drooling all over the pillow he was lying on, wearing only his sweatpants and a stretched tank top. It was adorable. I was almost tempted to go over there and wake him up so I could get a kiss out of him, but thinking about kissing got me back to square one, and a new wave of guilt engulfed me from all around.
I knew I was being unreasonable. It wasn't like I initiated the kiss. I didn't even return it, for God's sake. But the fact I let it happen was almost as bad.
Turning away, I hurried over to the bathroom, finding Matt already naked, standing there like a lost puppy.
"Matt, you," I chuckled, all negative thoughts pushed in the back of my mind when I saw him.
"Let's get the bath ready." I went over and started the water, plugging the bath. I knew I was stalling. Shower would be much faster and enough. But the longer I had, the longer I could think about what to say.
***
We were done after almost an hour. I used the opportunity and took the bath together with my son. But even after an hour, I was no closer to any kind of a conclusion than before. If I should be honest, it was all even a bigger mess, and my emotions were going haywire. Although Matty was tired, he still found enough energy to talk about the whole day, spending most of the time talking about Victor, which didn't help my case at all. And knowing this wasn't going to end anytime soon made it even worse.
"Good night, honey." I caressed his cheek when he snuggled to his blanket. He just managed to reply an incoherent babble before falling asleep, making me chuckle again. His exhaustion had to be bigger than I thought.
"Looks like he had fun," Joshua's voice sounded from behind me, my heart jumping at that. I turned, coming face to face with the man I loved, and all the guilt and anxiety came back in full force, my eyes filling with tears. I could see his smiling face changing into a look full of worries, but I didn't want to talk about it just yet. I needed some Joshua-time for now.
Going for a hug, I sighed in relief when he hugged me back, squeezing me a little tighter than usual.
"What happened?" he whispered into my hair, drawing soothing circles on my lower back. I could feel his shoulders tensing when he spoke, and it made me feel even worse. He didn't deserve this kind of stress. Neither of us did. And knowing it was my fault for keeping such a big secret without any real assurance it would never be found out was depressing and infuriating. The well-known saying 'the past will always catch up to you' was painfully real in this case.
After few more seconds of just hugging, I calmed down a bit and let go of Josh. Looking at him, I tried to smile.
"Let's go sit down first," I murmured, taking him by hand and leading him to the living room.
The conversation we were about to have was the last thing I wanted to do at the moment. If I could choose, I would go straight to our bed so I could forget about the incident that happened in front of the car. Then again, with my luck, I would most likely dream about it, so there was no better option for me.
Sitting down on the couch that was still a little bit warm from Joshua's previous napping time, I squeezed his hand, looking at his face. I could see he was beyond confused and worried, and the way I was behaving wasn't making it any better.
I shook my head, suddenly feeling as if I was closed in a tiny box without enough oxygen. My breath hitched, everything around me going out of focus for a moment.
Oh God, how can I tell him something like this? I thought, biting down on my lip. This was going to make me go crazy.
"Ollie," he whispered, my attention going back to him right away. He was looking at me with this weird expression, a sad smile playing on his lips, and I became awfully aware of how my current demeanor had to look like. If I said I started to panic, it would be an understatement.
"Wait, wait," I raised my hand in a 'please, stop' sign, collecting my thoughts. He was definitely thinking about something unnecessary and stupid. But I couldn't blame him. I was acting as someone who did something bad and didn't know how to say it without causing too much pain. Yes, I wasn't happy about what happened. And yes, I felt guilty as fuck. But it was a different kind of guilt. I wasn't the one who did something wrong. I just wasn't careful enough to stop it.
"I let my guard down," I stated after a terrible moment of silence that was so heavy it made me feel like curling up and waiting for it to pass.
"Matt was already in a car and I wanted to talk about Victor's idea about the future. I don't know why or what made me feel so relaxed at that moment, but I simply let my guard down. And he took advantage of it." I looked right into his eyes, my heart beating so hard I was sure he had to hear it.
Taking a deep breath, I readied myself for his reaction, whatever it would be, and confessed.
"He kissed me."
*********************************************************************
How do you feel about the chapter?
Was Ollie's reaction to the kiss appropriate?
And what about his feelings of guilt afterwards? Is he overreacting or is it proportionate to the situation?
Let me know what you think! ^.^
~°~
Now, I have an announcement.
Yesterday, I made a huge change in my life and decided to join Twitter (yes, it's huge for me). I have no idea how it works, and I'm still confused at how to use it properly, but I hope to get better and more active with time. If you have any advice, give it to me!
Man, I feel like a person from hundred years ago here, not knowing how it works and all that. Even Facebook is too much for me at times, and I don't really use it that much - only for talking to my friends or classmates.
Anyways, that's it (I'm planning a blog as well, but that's still too soon to announce), so if you want to, go ahead and check it out - though there's not much to see right now. >.<