»Vous êtes un force de motivation positive dans ma vie«
»You're a positive motivating force within my life«
Back to present
"I think you might be pregnant."
"Those six words ran through my head like a fire alarm. I didn't want to believe that I was going to become someone's mother. I was only twenty two years old and wasn't ready to have a baby."
June 20th, 1992
"No, I can't be." I kept denying something I already knew was true.
"Maybe you should take a pregnancy test." Rozonda suggested. "Yeah, I guess."
"C'mon, we'll go with you." We all grabbed our shoes and Lisa drove us to the nearest pharmacy. "Excuse me? Where are your most accurate pregnancy tests?'' I asked the lady at the register.
"The most accurate ones are in the back." She smiled at me and pointed towards the back. "Thank you." I smiled back and walked towards the back. I took the two most expensive but proven to be accurate pregnancy tests and paid for them. Both of them gave the results in thirty minutes so I won't have to wait long.
"Where the hell are these girls at?" Lisa, Tionne, and Rozonda basically disappeared in the store. It isn't even that big to get lost in.
"Damn we eating good tonight!" Lisa yelled from behind me holding plenty of chips and two big bottles of Coca cola. "Li, diabetes is gonna come knocking like Jehovah's witness if we don't stop this habit." Rozanda laughed.
They all paid for their unnecessary items and we left the pharmacy. "So, did you get it?" Tionne asked me as we went back to Lisa's house. "Yeah, I'm so damn nervous. What if I am pregnant?" Rozonda gave me a hug to comfort me.
"Don't worry Carmen, I'm sure you'd be a dope ass mom. But we won't know if you'd be a mom in the first place if you don't take the test." She shook the box. "Right. I'll be right back."
I ran to the bathroom, opened both of the boxes and tried my best to pee on them. After I was done, I washed my hands and came back out to wait. Many thoughts ran through my mind. What if I am pregnant? What would I do? I can barely manage by myself, not to mention taking care of a whole living being.
"How long has it been?" I asked getting even more anxious than I already was. Tionne checked the time. "Uh..." she dragged on. "I can't read analog clocks."
"It's been twenty nine minutes." Lisa mumbled out after stuffing potato chips in her mouth. "Should I check the tests?" "Yep! Get to checkin', I wanna see if I'm getting my god babies already!" Rozonda sprung up. All three of them followed me to the bathroom to where I left the tests near the sink.
"Please check for me, I'm too scared." I covered my eyes as all of them picked up the tests and told me the news. "Well?"
"I'll babysit on Sundays!" Lisa yelled out, which was all I needed to hear to know that I was in fact pregnant. "Wait, before we pick our future schedules, who's the lucky man, C?" Rozanda leaped with glee. "You won't believe me when I tell you."
"Are you sure this is the right address, C? This place looks about expensive as hell. Let me find out you got knocked up by a celebrity." Tionne joked. I nervously laughed along with her pretending like that isn't what actually happened.
"Look, I love you guys to death but can you all leave? I want to be alone with him when I tell him." I pleaded. They looked amongst each other and nodded in agreement. "Alright girl, but if he tries some sketchy shit I'm gonna stick my foot so far up his-"
"Bye you guys." I got out the car and slammed the door so I couldn't hear Lisa finish the rest of her horrid sentence. When they drove off, I huffed and walked towards his door. I hesitated before I rang his door bell. In a matter of seconds, DeVanté swung the door open to reveal him being shirtless.
"Hey, aren't you the girl from the club two weeks ago? Carmen right?"
"Yeah I am, can I talk to you for a second?" He nodded and moved aside to allow me to enter his home. "So whassup? You came back for more or something?" He chuckled lowering his already deep, baritone voice and grabbed my waist. Why did he have to be so se- *clears throat*
"Actually, it's something important. I think you need to sit down." A look of worry plastered all over his face as he sat down on his couch. "Don't tell me you had something cause I'll be da-" I shook my head no and he sighed in relief.
"No, I'm actually..." I trailed on. "Pregnant."
He slightly raised his left eyebrow in confusion. "Oh, well congratulations."
"I don't know how to put this, but I'm pretty sure that you're the father." I choked out. He remained silent which made me nervous because I don't know how he took it. He probably thinks I'm another lying ass fan who wants some attention.
He finally broke the almost everlasting silence. "So, you're telling me that you're carrying my child? In your stomach right at this moment?" He questioned me. Nah, I'm carrying the baby in my leg.
"Yeah..." I looked down at the floor. A wide smile spread across his face as he pulled me up from the couch and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I hugged him back but stood in utter confusion as to how he got happy so quick.
"Um, DeVanté, you're crushing me." I struggled to breathe because of how tight he was holding me. "Sorry, I'm just happy. This shit is crazy. You sure you're pregnant or are you just fucking with me?" I nodded my head yes and another smile appeared on his face.
"So you're having my baby." He attempted horribly to sing the song 'Forever My Lady'. I have to admit, it was cute. Painful to my ears, but cute.
"Okay stop before you bust my ear drums." I covered my ears as best as I could while laughing at him. He kissed his teeth in denial. "Man, you sing it then since I'm hurting your precious little ear drums." He mocked me.
So you're having my baby
And it means so much to me
There's nothing more precious
Then to raise a family
If there's any doubt in your mind
You can count on me
I'll never let you down
Lady believe in me
"Hold on, you can sing?" He raised his eyebrows at me. "I guess so. But why are you so surprised, you barely know me?"
"True. But babygirl you got pipes." He kept complimenting me. "Thank you, but it really isn't all that."
"Girl, if you don't stop frontin'." I playfully rolled my eyes and just sat back down. It was silence once more as the joking stopped. "You know what?"
"Huh?"
"Tell me more about yourself because if you're going to have my child, I should at least get to know you. Shit." I hesitated for a moment because I didn't want him to know everything about me. I'm not gonna lie, have some things I had to keep a secret.
"Alright, there isn't much to tell. My name is Carmen Brown, I'm black obviously, I speak some French, I like red and black. Oh, and I'm pregnant with your baby." I laughed. He laughed along with me. "That shit is tight."
Same thing he said about my- *clears throat* Yeah.
"Enough about me, tell me about yourself, oh so mysterious Mr. Swing."
"All you gotta know is that my real name is Donald DeGrate Jr. and I have some fuck ass brothers."
Back to present
"I didn't think much of him being such a private person considering the fact that he was famous and his business is almost always out there. Plus, my dumbass really thought I knew him because he was basically everywhere. And even though we barely knew each other, he asked me to move in with him, and I said yes."
June 22, 1992
"Do you really have to move?" Lisa whined. She's been acting like that since I told her the news yesterday. Her, Tionne, Rozonda have been helping me move boxes out of my old apartment. "I'm sorry, Li. I mean, he is the father of my baby. It would make sense if I was closer to him. But that doesn't mean that I won't visit you guys." I put the last box into the trunk and closed it.
"But can we at least meet him? We don't even know this dude, for all we know, he could be a serial killer." Tionne suggested. "Are you sure you wanna meet him?"
"Hell yeah! What? Is ol' boy ugly or something?" Lisa laughed. "Not at all, I just don't want y'all acting crazy like the last time you guys met someone I was interested in. Especially you, Lisa." I pointed to her, she held her hand over her chest and scoffed. "Wha-, me? Why, I never did such a thing!" We all looked at her because of how hard she was lying.
Flasback to 1987
"Hey, Carmen!" My boyfriend, Nasir greeted me by my locker. "Hey baby!" I gave him a light kiss on the cheek. "How you been?" "Not so good. You better get your friends."
"What did they do this time?" I rolled my eyes remembering how they were bothering him at lunch the day before yesterday.
"The light skin one, with the beady eyes, yeah she kept trying to beat me with her math book in the back of the class." I laughed at how he was portraying Lisa. "It's not funny! And not only that, the dark skinned girl with curly hair kept hyping her up saying: 'Whoop his ass, Li.' and I didn't know what the fuck to do." He ranted on and on to me about how Lisa and Rozonda were bugging him. And speaking of the devils themselves...
"Ayo, you talking shit homie?" Lisa tried to size him up but couldn't considering the fact that he was 5'8 and she was 5'1. "Nah, I was just leaving. Later, C." He hugged me and walked, well more like ran away from me. "Yeah, and you better not come around here no mo' or I'll stick a fork up your a-"
Flashback over
"Yeah, such good times." Lisa chuckled. "Carmen, you ever wonder what happened to him?"
I don't even want to remember him in the first place.
"Let's go y'all." I avoided her question and climbed into the car. "Okay?" She shrugged her shoulders and got in the car with me. I looked at the apartment building one last time before we all drove off. It didn't take long for us to get to his house but he was waiting in front of the door. It unfortunatly also didn't take long for my friends to realize who was standing at the door.
"Hold up. I just know that isn't DeVanté Swing. You know, the one in Jodeci. And the one that Carmen drooled over oh so very badly." Rozonda nudged me.
"Well..." I didn't get to finish my sentence because DeVanté had walked up to us when we got out of the car. "Hey baby mama." He pulled me in for a hug and kissed me on the lips. Lisa stared at me in complete awe in the presence of DeVanté. Kind of how I was when he brought me over, so we could, you know.
Lisa probably had to take time to gather every bit of loud questioning she had to wreck upon me. Oh boy...
"All I have to say is, when in the fuck shit did this happen? Why in the fuck shit? How in the fuck shit and where in the fuck shit?" Before I could open my mouth to speak, DeVanté already had his deal of answers to her questions.
"It happened three weeks ago at the club, I thought she was about fine as hell, I brought her from the club, and all the baby making happened up stairs." He proudly stated. Even though he answered her loud and clear, Lisa still stood there confused as I don't know what.
"I just- wow, alright then." She decided to just wait in the car. "Ignore her, she just mad because of Carmen moving. Speaking of moving, where your brother at?" Tionne looked at her surroundings. Ever since Jodeci became famous, Tionne had a huge ass crush on Dalvin. I can't seem to understand why, don't tell her that though.
"He ain't here rig-" Tionne didn't even let him finish his sentence before she chucked the decues and went into the car with Lisa. "Excuse them both, hi I'm Rozanda. And besides Carmen, I'm one of the normal ones in the group." Rozanda gave him a firm and professional handshake while smiling.
"Bitch, we heard that." Both Lisa and Tionne yelled out from the rolled down car windows.
"You two hear something? Anyways, allow me to help you guys move her stuff in, since these lazy bitches won't move." All we saw were two middle fingers stick out through the car window before the doors opened. "Took y'all long enough." Rozanda rolled her eyes and picked up a box.
I was going to get some boxes but DeVante stopped me. "Nah sit down, you're pregnant. I don't want you straining yourself." He took me in the house and sat me down on the couch. It was sweet that he cared, even though the baby is only a nugget.
I decided to take a quick nap, unfortunately it was way too quick because I felt someone flick my nose multiple times. "What the he-?"
"Wake up, Porsche." Tionne woke me. I hated that nick name she gave me, and it was because half of my name was Car.
"Ha ha, so funny. I love it." I laughed sarcastically. "Thank you." She smiled.
"Anyway, we 'bout to bounce. Call us if you need anything. Love you, babes." Tionne gave me one last hug and got into the car and all of them drove off. I almost cried a bit because of how much I'm going to miss being near them. I turned around to enter the house only to bump into DeVanté.
"Oh sorry, I didn't see you there."
"It's aight, so what you wanna do?" He asked. "Watch a movie or something, I don't know."
We just watched a movie on his couch, it was nice. Despite being a superstar, he was a really chill dude. Only until someone went into his house unannounced.
"Ayo De, where yo Dumbo looking ass at?" Someone yelled from the foyer.
Three people walked in and it was revealed to be K-Ci, Jojo, and Dalvin. I almost passed out.
"How the fuck did you little ass niggas get into my house?" DeVanté got up from the couch and walked over to them. "Don't worry about that. What I'm worried about is who this fine ass lady is." K-Ci smirked at me. I cringed at how hard he was trying to flirt with me. Nonetheless, I still waved at him in a friendly manner. I looked towards DeVante's direction and I could tell he was mad. His jaw was clenched and his fists were balled and all.
"Chill K, that's probably De's girl." Jojo said.
"More like his baby mama." I mumbled a little too loudly because Dalvin slowly turned around to me.
"Am I trippin', or did she just say that she was his baby mama?" I stood there uncomfortably when he put me on the spot. "Oh girl don't get shy now, speak louder." He has ears like a dog...
"I think you all should leave, now." DeVanté opened the door, signaling for them to leave.
"We came here to check on your lonely ass, but we can see you got some company." K-Ci emphasized the word company to make it seem like something it's not. "De, can I talk to you for a second?" Dalvin waved DeVanté over.
He rolled his eyes and walked over to his brother to see what he wanted. The talk didn't last long, but I'm glad that it ended on a happy note because they were smiling about what ever the topic was.
They finally told us goodbye and left the house. Alone at last.
"I'm sorry about that, they always break into my house and shit." He laughed. "That's fine. What time is it?" I yawned. After a long day of moving and remembering some bullshit, I was beat.
"It's only 3:45 in the morning. You tired or something?"
I looked at him like his head was on fire. This man had to be crazy, or a vampire or something.
"Uh, yeah! I just might drop my ass on this floor from all my exhaustion." He chuckled like something was funny. "Where is the bathroom? I really need a shower."
"It's upstairs, to the left."
"Thank you." I went upstairs, took a quick shower, and went to bed. Well, HIS bed actually.
Back to present
"Time went by really fast, at the time, it had been six months already. Everything between DeVante and I was going great, we found out that we were having a baby girl. I couldn't be happier. That is, up until the baby shower."
December 12, 1992
"Damn, girl you look ready to pop!" Lisa yelled. We had a not so small baby shower that DeVanté insisted on. I didn't really like big things if you ask me, but I still appreciate it.
"I can't wait for my god baby." Rozonda shouted with glee. She crouched down to my stomach and started having a conversation with my baby. "Hey girl, I can't wait to meet you. I'm gonna make sure to make you feel like the princess that you a-"
"Move, my turn." Tionne pushed Rozonda out of the way.
"Hey nugget, auntie Tionne needs you to come out sooner so we can find you a lil boyfriend." She cooed rubbing my belly.
"Now I just know you didn't tell my daughter she gonna have a boyfriend." DeVanté appeared out of nowhere. "I did, and what about it?"
He kisses his teeth in disgust. "She ain't having a boyfriend until she gets married."
"But that's not possib- you know what, forget it. You picked out her name yet, C?"
"Yeah, I'm going with Diane, after my mom."
"Aw, I'm sure your mom would be proud."
My mother...
Back to present
"I don't know if you remember or not, but I lost my mom at age ten. My mother and I were best friends, inseparable if you will. She taught me basically everything I know to this day, and it hurt my heart to see her die, right in front of me..."
February 10, 1980
"Bullshit!"
My mother and father have been going at it since this evening at around 4:30 pm. It's now around 10:00 and they're still yelling about who knows what. My older brother, Rashad, always came into my room to comfort me because he knows that even the slightest bit of hatred flying around can bring me to tears. He was practically used to all of this since was born first, but me, I could never adjust. I loved both of my parents dearly, and just sight of them showing any form of contempt towards each other makes me sick.
"Are you okay, Carmen?" Rashad whispered while peeking through the space in my door. I shook my head no and he walked up to my bed and gave me a hug.
"Don't cry baby sis, it's going to be okay. Mom and dad do this all the time and they'll get over it in the morning."
Hot tears ran down my face because I knew for a fact that he was lying. He keeps saying that over and over and it never seems to get better. Sometimes, I believe I caused all of this. "Hey, don't cry. Just know that no matter what, big brother will always be here to protect you. Do you still have our special ring?"
I wiped my tears and smiled while nodding my head. One day, Rashad bought us these silver rings that promised that we would never break apart. I have always held onto it, along with the orange Orangutan our grandmother gave me.
"Good. RaMen forever?" He held his ring up. "RaMen forever." I giggled and connected my ring with his. While we were in our little moment, a loud crash that sounded like glass breaking echoed from downstairs.
"What was that?" I hid behind Rashad in fear.
"I don't know, stay behind me so we can check together." I did as he requested and followed him out of my room. We both peeked at the kitchen area and saw the most horrific sight. Our mother, bleeding from her head and broken glass everywhere, stuggling to call 9-1-1.
"Hello, please help! My husband is trying to kill me!" Our mom pleaded to the operator on the other line. She spotted us from the stairs and signaled for us to go back upstairs.
Suddenly, the devil himself that I called my father came from wherever he was with an object we all never knew he owned. A gun.
"Good night, Diane." Our father didn't hesitate to pull the trigger and shot and killed our mother. The phone fell out of her hand and a large pool of blood formed around her fallen head.
Not thinking straight, I did the dumbest thing ever. I yelled.
"Mommy!"
My dad snapped his head to look at me and had a devious look on his face. Rashad tried to rush me upstairs to hide in the bathroom, but I remained frozen, and looking at my mothers dead body.
He pulled his gun towards me and before he got the chance to make me his next victim, police busted through the door. "Drop your weapon now!"
My father didn't comply, but instead aimed the gun at his own head, he then turned to look at Rashad and I. "Good night, children." He pulled the trigger and dropped down to the floor. It was a disgusting sight, both of my parents were gone.
Back to present
"I couldn't even sleep that night. I was forced to live with my grandmother, and til this day, I don't know where Rashad disappeared to. Or if he was even alive. But I still kept my ring in remembrance of him."
December 12, 1992
"Earth to Carmen." Tionne snapped her fingers in my face multiple times. I jumped a bit forgetting that I was zoned out. "Girl, what's got you so deep in thought?"
"Um, nothing. I'm just, uh, hungry! Yeah, I'm starving!" I laughed off my lie. Lisa could see straight through me.
"Carmen, can we talk? Alone?" I nodded my head yes and followed her to a more quieter area. "Are you okay?" She asked me. I don't know what came over me, but I busted out crying in her arms."Why did it have to be my mother, Lisa?"
"Shh, it's okay. Look, that evil bastard is gone. Your mom is sitting proudly in heaven at what a strong woman you've become. While you father is probably doing the what's it with the devil. But regardless, I want you to stay that strong woman, not just for me or you, but for her." Lisa pointed at my stomach, and coincidentally, my daughter kicked.
I wiped away my tears and laughed. She was right, if I'm going to raise a daughter, I have to teach her to be strong.
"See? That girl is ready to kick ass already." Lisa kicked up her foot as if she was in the movie Enter the dragon.
"Okay Bruce Lee, stop before you pull a muscle." I gave her a warm hug. No matter how goofy Lisa was, she always knew how to give the best advice.