Chapter 31
“Are we allowed to get dressed?” I asked James on Christmas morning. “I was just curious. I mean, I could rock the footsie pajamas all day again with no problem.”
He laughed, “Na you can wear whatever you like.”
“All righty,” I said, turning on my heel and heading back to my room. Two arms encircled my waist, pulling my back to an all too familiar chest. His breath was tickling my ear. “Happy Christmas, Holls.” I smiled and turned my head to look into his eyes. “Merry Christmas.”
We looked at each other until I had to look away for fear of kissing him again. He kissed my cheek and as he pulled away slowly his lips bushed from my cheek to my jaw and followed their trail across the side of my neck. I could feel my body heat spike and the sexual tension was palpable. He slid his arms from around me and retreated to his room. I felt too cool without him, as if my body righted itself when he was there and without him it was off.
I got dressed in a daydreaming haze, only snapping out of it when I opened my door and saw him waiting in his casual way, leaning against the wall, ankles crossed- the epitome of laid back. He took my hand pulling me to the living room. It was an unnecessary but welcomed move that had me confused about what it meant –if anything- and where we stood.
Everyone was already waiting for us. William was enthralled by a live Christmas concert put on by MTV while Olivia sat still with her perfectly rigid posture, the poster child of prim and proper. Nana and Caroline were chatting about the day’s plans. They greeted us and I guessed that Caroline would have some sort of enthusiasm for gift opening that forced us into a frenzy of tearing wrapping paper, ripping off bows, and tossing tissue paper. I felt a pang of guilt for not getting them anything. As it turned out, the gifts under the tree were almost entirely for the needy so Caroline and William headed to drop them off after notifying us that breakfast was still warm in the kitchen.
At the first mention of food James rushed to get a plate. I followed, in need of coffee and unwilling to be alone with Olivia and Nana who were whispering to themselves conspiratorially.
“Now that we’re older we don’t really do gifts with each other. It’s sort of a rule to make it about the quality time instead of the material,” James explained.
“Oh,” I mumbled, feeling dumb for getting James a present –even a silly one.
“Yours was the only gift I bought this year... I was hoping I could give it to you later, after dinner maybe?” he asked. I shouldn’t have been surprised that he’d gotten me something, seeing as he’d already gotten me the tree topper, but I was.
“That sounds nice.”
We finished eating and James suggested we take a walk in the cool brisk York air. I agreed, wanting to take in as much as I could of the rolling green landscape, remembering what I loved about England. What I hadn't counted on was that snow would have fallen overnight, leaving everything in a thick coating of soft white; It was even more beautiful.
I was dressed casual in dark jeans and a black Satan’s Soldiers hoodie with black Nikes when I met James outside. He turned and I saw that he was in jeans with his white tennis shoes, a red black and white flannel under a black leather jacket with a loose black beanie. He seemed to know where he was going so I stayed by his side without question enjoying the fresh earthy air of the countryside. It was late morning but there was still a chilly mist all around us.
Most of the walk was in a comfortable silence aside from the crunching of snow under our shoes. James told me about a few places we passed by and then finally asked if I was enjoying the trip.
“I’m having a great time. Your family’s really sweet… It’s nice to spend the holidays with people instead of pretending it’s just another day.”
“They love you, you know? I mean, my Mum was smitten even before she met you just from me talking about you and Nana jumped on that band wagon once you got here. Pops loves you because he loves everyone that’s a good person.”
“And your sister?”
He laughed quietly to himself and shook his head looking off in the distance. “Liv is… Liv. She hasn’t said anything to me about you because for that we’d have to have a real conversation, but I’m going to take a wild guess and say she likes you.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because she’s probing you like you came to her business in desperate need of love. She’s been trying to match you to someone since she met you. She sees single people as opportunities to hone her ‘skill’ and improve her business. Everything with Liv is about work.”
“Has she ever tried to set you up with someone?”
He looked at me for a few moments before a knowing smile crossed his face. “Not yet. She knows better. If she does set me up the girl better be amazing.” His smile widened and I looked away from his too-sparkly eyes. The longer we walked together the colder I grew which was odd because the weather was growing warmer, mist fading. I wondered if I would feel better if he was holding my hand, but I made no move to touch him.
“I love this place,” I told him, staring up at the pale grey clouds that I found much more soothing than the LA sun.
“Me too,” he spoke, grasping my ice cold hand in his just like I wanted him to. “Wow, you’re freezing! Why didn’t you tell me? We should head back.”
“It’s really not that bad.”
We turned around and he let go of my hand to wrap an arm around my shoulder. I leaned into his side, feeling warm in all the places we touched. “I can’t let you get sick.”
By the time we got back to the house my eyelids felt heavy from all the food, walking, and body temperature fluctuation. James and I nestled into our same spots on the couch under a warm flannel blanket and I felt myself doze off.
When I started coming to I heard a familiar voice in the distance followed by another familiar voice up close.
“It’s great to be here. It’s been a privilege,” said the faint voice.
From up close came a reply, “Asshole.”
A deep unfamiliar voice spoke, “Is there a special Christmas wish you’d like to tell everyone, Jonathon?”
My eyes flipped open, the realization of hearing Jon’s voice in James’ home snapping me awake. I looked to see that I was cuddled up to James and William was the only other person in the room. His focus was on the television in front of him as he watched Jon on a stage telling a reporter that there was one thing he wanted for Christmas.
“Danielle, can you come out here please?” Jon asked, smiling shyly at the camera.
She waltzed out and strolled up to him, looking slightly confused. I watched in complete shock as he went down on one knee in front of her, a huge audience, and the camera and uttered several phrases about how in love with her he was. Then he said those four words that I’d only ever heard him speak to me, “Will you marry me?”
She said yes and they embraced. How he’d proposed to me recently came to mind. It seemed so fickle, so ridiculous, so totally Jonathon Roberts to propose to her only two months later that I found myself laughing and shaking my head. As hurt as I would have thought I’d be, I just wasn’t. It’d always been her… she’d always been the one for him and I was a side distraction that he cared about too but this was inevitable.
Ever since I’d rushed away from him on Halloween, thoughts of us and our past had diminished from the forefront of my mind to become just a hum at the back until I rarely thought of him at all. There was a time when I thought that would never happen, but I realized in that moment laughing at the sight before me, that I was over him.
I stayed nestled under James’ arm on the couch for another hour, listening to Christmas music coming from in the kitchen where Caroline and Nana were hard at work until they called us to the table for dinner. James had already informed me we would be having it early in the afternoon rather than at night.
When we walked in the table was transformed into a banquet of Christmas delicacy. Down the center of a white table cloth was a cranberry red runner which could barely be seen under the array of food. Two tall white candles flickered from the center of it all. Each place setting was a square white plate with a neatly folded red cloth napkin and silverware on top. There was a sprig of holly to the right of each plate near already filled water and wine glasses. It was simple and beautiful.
I sat in the spot I’d used for every meal between James and Olivia with Nana across from me. I expected William to sit at the head of the table, but when he pulled out the chair it was so Caroline could sit down. He stood behind the chair across from James instead and spoke, “Thank you Caroline and Nana for this wonderful meal.” We all said thank you too and Caroline stood. She pointed at the dishes and gave us the menu, “Roast goose with currants, brussel sprouts, roast potatoes, pigs in a blanket, cranberry sauce, that is wassail –it’s a hot spiced wine that we finish off dinner with, Holly- and of course…” She turned and I saw William had gone into the kitchen and was returning with a serving dish in hand that was aflame. “Yorkshire pudding,” she finished with a smile.
I’d never seen that before and hadn’t tried roasted goose or wassail ever so my happiness grew as I realized there were so many things I’d been missing by closing myself off from dating or making friends or spending time with others for holidays.
William sat across from James and we all began filling our plates, talking and joking. I felt like I’d known them for years. Even Olivia in her stiff, sarcastic way was enjoying herself. A part of me wanted to walk away and from a distance watch them be a family and enjoy their celebration as I had watched everyone interact from the doorway on Thanksgiving. I forced myself not to fall back into my old ways, to stay and open myself up and let myself have fun.
After dinner James told me he wanted to give me my gift. I grabbed his from my room and met him out on the patio to exchange them. He looked as nervous as I felt. He opened his first, ripping away the snowman paper to reveal a box. When he lifted the lid he pulled out the apron I got him. It said, ‘Great cooks make big messes’. He laughed and shook his head. “This is so perfect! I feel pretty dumb, how did I never think to wear an apron? All this time I’ve been ruining shirts thinking, ‘I really wish there was an easier way’!” I laughed with him because it was ridiculous that he didn’t own one already.
“Thanks Holls, I love it!”
“I’m glad. You’re welcome.”
“Your turn.”
I pulled out the red tissue paper from the silver bag to reveal my gift. It was a photograph in a simple silver frame. The picture was in black and white and of James and I on the set of his last film in. It was a candid from behind -neither of us posed or aware the picture was being taken- with me sitting in his chair, ‘McCalman’ written on the back, and my body turned to the right where James was standing facing me with his hand resting on the back of the chair. There was nothing in the background but a dark empty set and we were both laughing. I remembered that day, but not what we were discussing or what made us laugh.
“This is a really good picture. I don’t think I even have one of us,” I said, still examining it. “How did you even get it? Who took it?”
“That’s a funny story. Some new paparazzi guy snuck into the lot. Security found him on my set later that day,” he said pointing to the photo. “I was there when they confiscated the camera and I asked if I could keep the film. Brayden is majorly into photography. He’s got his own dark room and all that so I asked him to develop it and let me know if there were any of me or you on there. He showed me this one.”
“Wow… It’s really a great picture. I love it,” I said, enjoying the fact that in the photo James was looking at me the way I always tried not to look at him.
“Good. I hoped you’d say that.”
I hugged him longer than was probably necessary and we went into the living room where the rest of the family was already laughing and talking. That’s where we spent the rest of our night; enjoying each other’s company like I had with my dad and his friends years ago. There were only a few more days left of our visit and I didn’t want to spend a moment of them second guessing myself or closing myself off. It was time to be myself and see where life took me.
Oddly enough, before I left England, with the help of Olivia's matchmaking skills, life would be taking me to someone's bed.