"People like you make people like me so fucking nervous, but I'm calm on the surface."
triginta duo.
capti
Held tightly by someone so that you cannot be freed.
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"HEY TYLER," I SAID, PICKING UP MY PHONE WITH MY LEFT HAND AS I HELD UP MY TOWEL WITH MY RIGHT.
"Hey Lise, what are you doing?" He asked, his voice hyperactive, clearly excited about something.
"Well I just got out of the shower, so I plan to get changed and then dry my hair," I explained to him, taking a seat on my bed.
"Gross, I didn't need to know that," he muttered.
"That I shower?" I laughed at him.
"Okay we're changing subjects," he announced as I laughed a bit harder. "Do you have plans for the rest of the weekend?"
I bit my lip, "I have an interview on Monday for a summer internship with The Guardian, but other than that, not really."
"Okay, good. You're coming away with us over the weekend," he decided.
"Tyler," I began sternly. "Who is us?"
"Me and Olivia," he trailed off.
"Tyler," I repeated, my voice serious as I anxiously awaited his response.
"And Chase," he confessed, his voice much quieter this time when he spoke.
"Tyler, you know I can't," I said to him. No matter how much I actually wanted to go, I know I couldn't be around Chase at the moment. Even if it had been almost three months since Chase and I broke up, it was too painful to be around him. Going to the same sixth form was hard enough as it is and going on an actual trip with him would be too painful to deal with.
"You can, you just won't," he disagreed with me, his voice sobering slightly to a serious tone.
"They feel like the same thing right now," I admitted, watching the water drip from the ends of my hair onto the bed.
"But they're not. Every time you break up with Chase you distance yourself from me and Liv, and I know it's hard to balance us whilst avoiding him but you're family Lise, we miss you."
"I miss you too," I said quietly. "I just can't be around him without feeling all the emotions come back at once."
"Why is that such a bad thing?" He asked solemnly.
"Because," I began, not really knowing how to answer him. "Because it won't work between us. We've tried twice and both times it's failed. Both times I end up feeling like this and I'm tired of having my heart broken."
"And this is much better?" He asked immediately. "Avoiding him, avoiding us? That's much better?"
"It's better than the initial pain after the break up,"
I admitted.
"Is it better than the happiness of being with him?" He asked almost immediately, as if he had planned exactly what he would say to me.
I took a deep breath in, "nothing is better than that,"
I smiled sadly.
"Just come with us. It will do you some good. Both of you," he instructed me.
"If it's just us four I'm going to be forced to interact with him and I don't want to do that. I haven't spoken to him in three months and I can't be alone with him," I confessed, the water slowly dripping down my shoulders and chest.
"Then bring Anastasia, and bring her boyfriend. Chase will have someone to talk to, you'll have your best friend with you. It won't ever have to be just you two alone. It will just be good to see you," he explained to me kindly.
I sighed. I couldn't say no to Tyler, and no matter how much a part of me wanted to avoid Chase at all costs, a small part of me yearned to be near him. Even if it was just to see him.
"What kind of trip is it?" I asked after a moment of silence.
"We're just renting out a cabin not far from here. About a two hour drive, at most. It has four bedrooms, and so you don't have to share with anyone if you don't want to, or you could share with Anastasia if you want to be alone. It's just a little getaway thing that Liv and I wanted to go on, but she's not allowed to go with just her fiancé because of her stupid family rules, so if my little brother is coming with me, it's acceptable. But I can't just make Chase go by himself."
"Why not just lie and say Chase is going but go alone?" I asked.
"That's what I would do if you don't come. I thought asking you was worth a try. What do you say?"
I sighed. "I'll ask Ana what she says, and if she will come, I will too," I promised him, not being able to say no to someone I cared about so much.
"Okay, just let me know what you decide," he said. "I love you, Lise."
"I love you too, Ty," I said, before hanging up completely.
I tossed my phone somewhere on the bed before falling back into it, staring at the ceiling and wondering what I should do.
After getting changed and fixing my hair, the first thing I did was call Anastasia, to see if she was willing to actually come on the trip with me.
"Hey," she began casually when she picked up the phone.
"I have a question to ask you," I began, nervously peeling the skin off my bottom lip.
"Ask away," she said, her voice cheerful.
I played with my hair, "how do you feel about going away for the weekend?" I eased myself into the conversation.
"Sounds fun, where? Just us two?"
"Not entirely, what's Jake doing this weekend?" I asked her hesitantly.
"Nothing much, I don't think. We made plans for Sunday and I don't really think he's doing anything today or tomorrow," she continued explaining, still in the dark as to what I was alluding to.
I sighed, "I need to ask you something, and I don't really know what I want your answer to be."
She paused for a moment, probably contemplating on whether to speak or to just let me elaborate.
"Tyler wants us to go on a weekend getaway. I don't want to be alone with Chase, and therefore want to know if you'll come. If you're with Jake, Chase will have someone to talk to and I'll have you," I explained to her, once again laying down on my bed as I stared at the ceiling.
"Why can't you just say no?" She asked in confusion.
I took a breath in, "because I'd feel bad."
"Because you want to go," Anastasia corrected me. "You want to be with Chase, but you don't want him to think you're going for him, because you don't want to be vulnerable near him. Not again." As usual, Anastasia knew exactly what was going on in my head, even if I didn't want to admit it myself.
"What if it's one sided? What if he's completely moved on and I'm just dwelling on a relationship that's long over? I can't go through that again. I just need time to heal and move on," I expressed to hear, feeling my heart ache at even the thought of letting Chase just walk out of my life.
"And what if it's the opposite? What if just giving each other one more chance is enough?" She asked rhetorically. "I'll ask Jake what he thinks about a weekend getaway, but I'm sure he won't say no. Don't give up on him so soon. At least test this weekend. You both deserve it."
When Anastasia hung up, I already knew what her decision was, and I knew it wouldn't take her much before she convinced Jake to join us on the trip. I didn't know if I felt excited at the prospect of seeing Chase and being near him for the first time in the three months, or if I felt scared about it. I don't know why I suddenly craved his touch and attention, whether it was because I was away from him for too long, or if it was because of Scarlet's words.
As soon as I got Anastasia's confirmation that she and Jake were joining us on the trip, I began to pack. Tyler didn't give us much warning in advance, considering we had to make our way to the cabin the very day he gave me a phone call, which wasn't unlike anything he would do.
Packing was much more rushed than I expected it to be, considering that Jake and Ana were waiting downstairs to take me on a two-hour drive to a cabin resort outside of London, when I simultaneously attempted to pack enough clothes for the whole weekend. Tyler offered to drive me to the cabin, but I didn't know if Chase was going to be in the car with Ty and Liv. I didn't want to put either of them in an uncomfortable position if we were to be trapped in a small, moving, vehicle for two hours straight.
It didn't take long for Ana and Jake to pick me up. We all had a bag each, seeing as though we weren't staying for long. I felt anxious the whole time since Tyler hung up on me. I didn't know if I was excited or nervous to see him; perhaps that depended entirely on his reaction seeing me. Jake pulled up to my house at around 5pm with Anastasia in the front seat, politely waiting for me to gather my things before driving us towards the cabin. The nice thing about going with my best friend and her boyfriend was that there was no way she would ever let me feel uncomfortable or like a third wheel.
"Are you sure you'll be okay to be around him all weekend?" Jake was the one to break the silence, looking at me from the rear-view mirror.
I took a deep breath, "I hope so," I told him, playing with the ring I made sure to place on my middle finger before I left the house.
"Are you still in love with him?" He asked me bluntly; obviously, as one of Chase's closest friends, he felt like it was his duty to keep Chase informed of my feelings for him.
I didn't know what I could say without revealing too much, "I don't know what I feel honestly," I told him truthfully, although I know people were beginning to get tired of my vague responses.
Jake didn't ask me anything else, knowing I would be constantly indirect and unclear when it came to answering questions.
We arrived at around 7pm, and I didn't know how I felt about it. The sky was still shining bright, and it turned out that Tyler's idea of a "getaway" was in the middle of nowhere.
"Lots of trees," Anastasia observed, looking around with wide eyes.
"This feels very horror movie-esque," Jake added, their commentary matching well.
I couldn't bring myself to laugh at either of them, instead staring in awe as I felt my heart pound.
I looked to see Tyler's car parked outside the cabin and knew that the others had already arrived. We walked up to the cabin door and I prayed that Chase was not going to be the one to open the door.
"You're here!" Tyler shouted, throwing the door open dramatically as if he had planned the entrance, although, knowing Tyler that was a huge possibility.
"We're here!" Anastasia mimicked him, smiling as I waited anxiously.
"Enter, friends of my brother," Tyler instructed them, opening the door wide enough to allow them to enter.
As I stepped forward to enter behind Jake, Tyler stepped in front of me, blocking the entrance to the cabin as he looked down on me, his taller nature towering over me. "You feel uncomfortable for even a second, you let me know and I will drop you off home in a heartbeat." Tyler's voice was stern, staring at me with firm eyes as I looked up at him.
I nodded, "thank you. I love you Ty," I said sincerely to him. "You might want to let me in because I'm small and my bag is heavy."
"Oh, right," he acknowledged, moving out of the way to let me enter.
He opened the door enough to allow me to enter. I braced myself for the entrance, although I don't know what exactly I was anticipating. Stepping forward, I looked into the huge living room. It was a perfect rectangle, with one of the walls being completely made of glass. In the middle of the room there were three sofas in the shape of the U, all facing a television which was placed on top of a fireplace. In the middle of the three sofas was a small coffee table. On the outer edge of the room, there was a grand piano, which, ironically, was the last thing I laid my eyes on. On either side of the living room were two passageways which, I assumed, led to the four bedrooms and the kitchen.
"Annalise! You're here!" Olivia squealed, walking out from the passageway on the right and coming to hug me, completely disregarding both Jake and Anastasia.
I wrapped my arms around her and enjoyed her embrace, having missed her terribly. Tyler was right in saying that every time Chase and I distanced ourselves from each other, it interrupted my relationship with his whole family, which included Tyler and Olivia. I never realised how much I needed to be near them until I actually got close to them again, realising exactly what I missed out on.
"Hi, I'm Olivia, Tyler's fiancé," Olivia introduced herself to Anastasia and Jake when she pulled away from me.
I dumped my bag onto one of the sofas, taking a seat and looking around, slightly overwhelmed by the situation we were in. As I did so, Tyler jumped over one of the sofas and sat in front of me, probably to analyse my body language. I knew how Tyler worked. Because he was the one to invite me on this trip, and basically coerce me into joining them, he felt responsible for anything that would impact my emotions of mental health.
He was going to be analysing me throughout this whole trip.
"Tyler, honey, none of this stuff is ours, we shouldn't be jumping over everything," Liv chastised, and it was already like they were a married couple.
Tyler didn't say anything, instead turning his head and offering her a sweet smile, before turning back to me. It was as if he wanted to tell me something but wasn't so sure on how exactly he would do it. I raised an eyebrow at him, feeling nervous at the thought of not knowing exactly what was happening.
Tyler opened his mouth, probably to tell me what he had been holding back on but was interrupted by Olivia. She took a seat next to Tyler, leaning against his side as she did so. It wasn't long before Ana and Jake joined suit, taking a seat on the sofa that was next to mine, both of them remaining at a distance because, I'm assuming, both were entirely anti-PDA. That included even sitting near each other.
It was strange that I knew very little of Anastasia and Jake's relationship, especially considering Ana was my best friend. I knew she very much kept things to herself, and I was entirely open with her, but I thought I would have the tiniest understanding of her relationship. I barely even knew Jake beyond the reputation he had as a player in school, which obviously proved to be untrue.
"So, what do we want to do today?" Olivia said, her voice as bright and cheerful as ever.
Tyler sighed, obviously disappointed at the fact that he couldn't say what he had obviously built the courage to tell me. "It's late evening, so I don't think we can get much done today. Why don't we stay in, maybe have a few drinks?"
"Or!" Liv began loudly, "why don't we all cook something! We could all make pizzas, that would be so much fun!" She decided, becoming increasingly excited as she spoke.
Ana's eyes darted to me, probably watching for my reaction at the thought of cooking. I made eye contact with her and shrugged in response; I couldn't avoid everything to do with food for the rest of my life.
"Can I remind you that neither I, nor Tyler, can cook." My shoulders straightened, and I felt like my heart had dropped; I heard the voice before I saw his face, but immediately I knew who it was. Chase appeared from the corridor on the right, just as Olivia had. He was carefree and light as he spoke and walked, a half-smile on his face, and I didn't understand how I could be the complete opposite around him.
I looked up at the sound of his voice, and we had made eye contact. What I sure was only a split-second felt like hours as we stared at each other. The slight smile on Chase's face had slowly begun to disappear as the crease on his forehead relaxed; his shoulders slumped, and he stood frozen in his spot. I quickly looked away.
He didn't know I was going to be here.
My eyes turned to Tyler, subtly raising my eyebrows at him as he sent me an immediate apologetic look. This is what Tyler was building the courage to tell me.
The entire room fell silent, and I felt my cheeks warm at the idea of me having caused this awkwardness. Tyler was quick to notice it and attempt to diffuse it, however, as he said, "before we figure out evening activities, we should figure out sleeping arrangements."
I quickly glanced up at Chase, who decided to move to the sofa where Olivia and Tyler were sat at, obviously not being able to gain a proper seat as the only free one was next to me. Instead he sat on the arm of the sofa closest to Olivia.
"There are four bedrooms, and there are six of us. This means that two people will be sharing, and two people will have their own rooms. Obviously, I would have liked a room to myself, but my future wife says that would be impractical. So, it's up to you four to fight it out," Tyler teased, trying to lighten the situation.
"The question is, do the rooms have double beds or single beds?" Jake interrupted.
"All double," Chase informed him, speaking to him directly. "Either you and I share, or Ana and Lise."
It was strange to hear my nickname from his mouth, and obviously he pinpointed his slip-up, because he pursed his lips immediately after saying it. I was also acutely aware that he left out the other two options, which were that either Jake and Ana share, or me and him.
Obviously, that wouldn't happen.
"So, I'm assuming that means Lise and I are sharing, because no homo, right?" Anastasia interrupted sarcastically, causing all of us to send a small chuckle in response.
"Would sharing with your best friend really be that terrible?" Chase asked teasingly, and I couldn't help but notice that he had spoken to everyone apart from me, even despite repeatedly speaking of me.
Of course, I hadn't spoken once since he was in the room, but I couldn't understand how Chase could be so normal around me and I couldn't even formulate words when I was near him.
"Ana and I will share," I finally spoke up, mustering all the confidence I could in order to say it.
Chase seemed surprised at my decision to speak, his head snapping up when I did so, but only quickly as he looked away after processing the initial shock of it all. Ironically, my attempt to lighten the situation by contributing to it actually brought us all back to square one, a silence falling between us.
"Are you guys hungry?" Olivia asked after a few seconds of awkward silence, mostly speaking to Ana and Jake. "It's pretty late in the evening so I'm assuming you guys haven't eaten anything since lunch. We should go shopping and buy ingredients for pizza!" It was always Liv's cheerfulness which diffused the tension, her loud and happy voice breaking any awkwardness between us.
"I don't know if I want to be cooking, honestly," Chase said, his voice slightly hesitant.
Olivia's smile dropped a little as she looked sadly at Tyler. Tyler's eyes met hers and his gaze softened. He stared at his fiancé for a short while before turning back to all of us, "nobody cares whether you want to cook or not, that's what we're doing."
Chase groaned, "seriously?"
"How big is the kitchen and can it accommodate us all?" Ana asked, her mind immediately going to the practical side of things.
"It's huge! All six of us can fit into it easily and we'll have so much fun making our own mini pizzas!" Olivia practically bounced up and down.
"I don't see anyone having any better ideas, so cooking it is," I decided for them, wanting to feel more like my assertive self, considering how increasingly uncomfortable I was feeling under Chase's occasional gaze.
"Yay!" Liv squealed. "You guys don't even have to come shopping with us if you don't want to; Tyler and I will just find the nearest Asda or something and we'll just buy the ingredients."
"You guys can unpack, have some drinks or something whilst we go out and get it," Ty shrugged, standing up and heading towards the coat hangers near the door. From on top of a little table, he grabbed his car keys.
"We brought some beers and put them in the fridge, you're all old enough, so help yourselves but don't drink it all," Liv instructed, also standing up and joining Ty.
"Babe, if they're able to finish every beer we bought, we won't even need to find activities. They'll be entertainment enough. Especially Lise." Tyler sent me a knowing wink, teasing us all, but me especially.
"I'm too smart to get drunk," I responded immediately.
"But you're not a smart drunk." This time it was Chase who spoke, and I immediately looked up at him. This was the first thing he had said to me in three months. When I looked at his face, he sent me a tiny smile, almost so small I missed it. But it was there.
I bit my lip, but I didn't maintain eye contact. I couldn't.
"Do you guys want anything?" Tyler broke the tension.
"No thank you," Anastasia responded politely, also attempting to diffuse any discomfort. It seemed that whenever Chase and I interacted with one another, awkwardness followed suit.
With that, Ty and Liv exited the cabin, leaving just us four in complete silence.
"So, what do we want to do?" Jake asked, his hand unconsciously reaching out to hold Ana's. I felt a small smile appear on my face as I watched the two become increasingly comfortable with each other. I was happy for them.
"I'm not sure, do you think they'd have board games?" Ana asked, her eyes sparkling with excitement at the thought of playing them.
Jake chuckled, "you really think alcohol and chess would go well together?" He looked at her directly in the eyes when he spoke, caressing her hand with his as he did so.
Ana shrugged, "I don't see you giving any ideas."
"How about pool? I'm sure there'll be a pool table in a cabin as huge at this," he suggested.
I felt my heart skip a beat at the mention of pool; I hadn't gone near a pool table since the party months ago. With everything Scarlet had told me, and memories of my encounter with Drake resurfacing, the last thing I wanted to be was near a pool table. It was stupid to link an object to something that never even happened, and I knew I couldn't fear it for the rest of my life, but even rationality couldn't fix my anxiety.
"Not pool," Chase interrupted immediately, quickly looking at me, and watching as I nervously played with my own hands, before looking straight back up at Jake. "Drinking and pool are even worse options," he added, creating an excuse for Jake who had raised an eyebrow at Chase's sudden outburst.
"Let's just play some drinking games, like beer pong," Jake suggested.
"I've got bad aim and I refuse to get drunk," I muttered.
"What is it with you and not wanting to get drunk?" Ana asked teasingly,
"Seeing Lise drunk is like working in retail; it's a necessary experience," Chase smirked, sending me a quick wink, and it was strange seeing how quickly he was being comfortable when it was just us. I didn't know what it meant, because whenever I was near him, I felt frozen.
"What's so good about her being drunk?" Jake asked, clearly feeling as if he were missing out.
"Nothing," I mumbled, feeling weird about being the topic of the conversation, especially if Chase was the one leading it.
"It's just funny because the usually careful and intelligent Annalise turns very carefree and doesn't make the smartest decisions," Anastasia explained, being as vague as possible.
"I feel like I lose my grip on things which then makes me an anxious mess the day after, because not only am I hungover but I also either forget what happened the night before or remember how completely out of control I was. Either way, being drunk fucks my anxiety over," I practically ranted, wanting to be far from the topic of conversation.
Chase's gaze on me softened, having not known exactly my reason behind not drinking. He always assumed it was due to religion, mostly because I thought it was easier to let him believe he knew everything about me. It was easier to pretend like my anxiety didn't dictate a lot of my life experiences than it was to admit it.
"I have a game idea, but I have a feeling you won't go for it," Chase started.
"How do we play it?" Jake asked him, seemingly intrigued.
"We all go around asking the most personal question we can think of, and everyone has to answer as truthfully as possible. It's like 20 questions except everyone answers and there is no limitation to what the question is. The person who has the most shocking answer is the only one who doesn't take a shot that night."
"Why would you want to take part in that game?" Anastasia raised an eyebrow.
"Why would you play any game?" Chase shrugged.
"Are you two up for it?" Jake asked, his eyes flickering between me and Ana.
Ana and I looked at each other, silently asking whether it was worth playing. We both shrugged.
What could go wrong?
"What's it called?" I finally spoke directly to Chase, using all the confidence I built up on those three words.
"Secrets and sins."
13/11/18
30/12/18