Excuse any mistakes. Nia in the mm.
3 hours later
It's the game of life. Do I win or do I lose? One day they're gonna shut the game down. I gotta have as much fun and go around the board as many times as I can before it's my turn to leave.
Tupac
—
After sitting in the waiting for almost an hour, Nia was a wreck. As soon as she received the news, she flew straight home.
The clacking of the keys coming from the receptionist and the constant boring commercials from the TV was driving her insane.
She had mixed emotions. She was angry, angry at Shiloh and Travis. Nia was also hurt and heartbroken. Because Shiloh was in there fighting for his life and he'd lied to her about being all the way in.
She couldn't understand why he went back.
As she stared at the blank white wall in front of her, Naomi attempted to comfort her the best way possible. Nia felt the tension and anxiety build up inside of her as she stared blankly, her mind full of emptiness.
Before the panic could eat her alive, she managed to catch up on subtle breathing exercises to help her relax.
"He's going to be okay." She says repeatedly to herself.
Ayshah and Nyah were sitting in a corner, crying. From the short time that Nia knew his little sister, she never seen Nyah show any type of emotion until tonight.
For some reason, that made Nia's stomach twist into knots.
She stared at the black-framed wall clock for the ninth time this hour, scrutinizing the second hand, which seemed to linger an extra minute at every passing second. Nia took her gaze off of the clock, silently vowing to not look at it once more until absolutely necessary.
Sitting on the edge of the chair, Nia placed her hands on her knees with the intention to stop them from bouncing up and down.
Nia was extremely parched after refusing to eat or drink any edible substance for the past three hours. She walked over to the water fountain and picked up a worn out disposable cup to which she fixed herself a cold cup of water.
She quickly gulped down the water, producing a sound similar to that made by the water dispenser itself, and licked her dry lips, which were stained with crimson lipstick.
She crushed the frail plastic cup in her hand and threw it in the bin. Nia walked back over to her seat and sat down, yet again, on the edge of the chair and resumed her tiresome wait for the doctor to come with good news.
Zeke rushes inside with a worrisome look on his face. He tried to get a read on the situation by looking at everyone's faces. Naomi simply shook her head to let him know that they'd heard nothing.
He sighs as he takes the empty chair beside Nia. She continued to stare blankly at the wall, showing a little life from her every so often blinking.
Suddenly, a doctor approached them and the five of them immediately stood up.
The doctor had the posture of a soldier. It seemed like every action she took was precise and purposeful. She smiled in the cold and distant way professionals do.
The smile didn't reach her eyes. Nia could never relax around such expressions. She needed a genuine face, preferably a smile, but she'd really rather they didn't fake it.
However, Nia thought the smile resembled a feeling of sympathy.
"How is my baby?" Ayshah asks, almost in a begging tone. "He's okay, right? We can go see him?"
The doctor started to talk, but closed her mouth for a few seconds. "I'm sorry."
Those words made Ayshah cry harder, as she held onto the doctor in disbelief. "No, no!" She cried out.
"I did everything I could. I am so sorry." The doctor expressed her deepest condolences.
The emptiness in Nia's heart, the numbness pounding her brain, the salty tears that flowed unchecked from her eyes, the shear nothingness that now took hold of her soul threatened to engulf her entirely.
Her knees buckled underneath her, and Zeke had to catch her. Her tears mingled with Naomi's, who was simultaneously holding Nia and expressing her own grief, and Nia gasping wails echoed around the hospital.
"I didn't even get to tell him that I loved him back!" Nia screamed, crying even harder.
In Nia's sobbing was the sound of a heart breaking. Hearts don't snap like brittle caramel or burst like an overfilled balloon. A heart breaks in the heaving waves of a new disturbing reality that has arrived uninvited.
So as Naomi watched Nia shake with grief, tears flowing unchecked, there was part of her breaking too. If she wasn't the same then neither would Naomi. That's what happens when you love someone, right? Their happiness is a part of your own.
What do you tell your child after she has received news like this? Even Naomi was speechless.
As she held Nia so closely to her, she looks up to see a mother and sister in pain as Zeke tries his best to comfort them of this painful loss.
This was the harsh reality that she hated. She couldn't save everyone. Not even a 17 year old young Black man.
CJ and Mara walked in, and when CJ looked at Nia, he already knew.
Mara immediately reached out to hold him as he covered his face with his hands. He sobbed against Mara. She could feel the wet tears against her neck.
She allowed a few tears of her own to fall as she comforted him and watched her best friend weep over the love of her life.
This was something unimaginable. And she wasn't sure how Nia would cope with it.
CJ pulls away then punches the wall with his hand. He was so angry that he didn't feel it, but he'd probably feel it in the morning.
"Babe .." Mara says gently, rubbing his arms.
CJ shakes his head furiously. "It ain't fair. Travis lives, but Shiloh don't? That's some bullshit!"
Mara pulls him back to her and CJ begins to cry again.
A pair of police officers were escorting Travis out in handcuffs as his arm was in a sling. As he's walking towards the door, he stops and looks at all of them.
"I'm sorry. I swear I ain't mean for nun of that shit to happen. I wish it was me, on God. And I didn't kill him, Asheek did. I'm so sorry."
"Go to hell." Ayshah mugs him.
Suddenly, Nia gets up and charges at him. Before anyone could stop her, she punches Travis in the mouth. Zeke immediately restrains her as she looks at Travis with pure disgust.
Travis keeps his head down before the officers pushes him towards the exit. Nia's breathing was rapid and it wasn't before long that her sadness retook her anger.
Zeke wraps his arms around her and allows her to grieve again.
They say the 60's was crazy, but the 80's was worse
Crack fucked blacks and gave birth to a curse
The moon's bright, the sky's misty
I know my future 'cuz I know my history
My life predicted by a Gypsy
Murder she wrote at the end of the story, the streets get me
That's why I live quickly, and always keep a pistol with me
Ghetto prisons, won't stop fightin' until I'm free
Resident of the city of fallen angels where niggas ain't scared to bleed
If money's the root of all evil, then greed's the seed
This ain't living. We're taking 'cuz ain't nobody givin'
America's a rich man's vision, but a poor man's prison
So don't expect these politicians to give us a pot to piss in
Preacher man, stop preachin', 'cuz niggas ain't finna listen
Folks done lost hope and stopped trying
Life's a bitch from the start
That's why you come out your mama cryin', the world's dyin'
And the people have gone mad
I'll take a shit on the White House and wipe my ass with the flag
When will the evil end?
Too many browns and blacks in the system, victims of legal sin
In court, prayin' for mercy, being condemned by evil men
Ain't no love in the heart of the city
If there's a god, where is he
My homies dyin' over hundreds and fifties
I sit back, sip Cognac, and analyze the situation
Ain't a person alive today that knows the monster we're facing
They crucified Jesus Christ, sold Marcus Garvey for rice
Shot Malcolm X in the chest, gave Nelson Mandela life
Pac died at 25, Biggie died a year younger
All my life's been broke, I'm motivated by my hunger
Told my mom bury with a .357
Just in case God trips and I don't get into Heaven
If he sends me to Hell, then oh, well
'Cuz I just did 19 years in the ghetto as a black male
And it can't get much harder than that
I had a lot of pain in my heart, that's why I started to rap
See, them other brothers'll make you dance for justice or make you think
While you savin' up for a Bentley, I'm saving up for a tank
Sounds crazy, huh, well that's just the mindset of a soldier
Here's what I see, we're no longer slaves, but we sho' ain't free
So, until I ain't gotta steal and kill for my own folks
Tattooed across my chest are these words I just spoke
Who the fuck y'all gon' call
When I break all the laws on behalf of every innocent criminal?
Pat's Justice
..
It had been a week since Shiloh was killed. Nia barely came out of her room. The only time she did was to eat and that was only because Saint made her.
She only allowed Naomi inside because she couldn't sleep. She dreamt about Shiloh every night. Nia wondered what he was thinking in that moment. Was he alone? Was he scared?
These were questions she may never get an answer to.
His funeral was unbearable. Ayshah was hysterical. Nia, on the other hand, was distant and cold. She didn't say a word.
Nia just stared at his casket for two hours. She didn't enjoy how the news labeled Shiloh as a troubled, drug dealing teenager. They didn't know him like she did.
Sure, she still harbored anger for the decisions he made which ultimately led to his death. But, she could live with the fact that his intentions were pure.
He felt as if he were doing the right thing.
Now, he was just another statistic to them. It only made Nia angrier.
A knock sounded at her door, but still Nia said nothing. The door slowly opened and in walked Adrian with an arm full of folders.
He sat them on her desk, near her bed where she laid quietly under the covers. Adrian stood over her, pulling the covers back slightly.
Nia's eyes were puffy and red, nearly swollen. Adrian figured she'd been crying for two weeks straight. She didn't answer any of his calls, or no one's call rather.
Adrian missed his best friend, but knew she needed time and space to grieve and process.
"I brought all of the notes and work you've missed these last few days." Nia nodded her head slightly. "This might seem like a dumb question, but how are you feeling?"
Nia looked at him, and sniffles. "What you think?" She mumbled.
Adrian sighs, and sits on the edge of her bed. "I gave you a week baby girl."
"Sorry if I'm not grieving fast enough for you." Nia responded sarcastically, pulling the covers back over her head.
"I didn't mean it like that." Adrian pulls the covers back again causing Nia to look back at him. "Everybody been over here and they're saying you're not talking to them. But, you talk to me when I'm over here."
Nia shrugs. "Everyone else is annoying."
Adrian laughs a little. "True." He moves closer, removing her hair out of her face. "You have to pull it together NiNi." He says gently.
Nia fights back tears. "I'm not sure if I can. I'm not strong enough to handle this."
Adrian shakes his head. "You are. I don't know the pain you're dealing with and I'm sure it hurts, but I just know it gets better with time."
"A week is not enough time." Nia looks at him. "I need more."
"Valid." He nods. "But can you at least move around, take a shower and maybe eat a little bit. Chase and Jamila telling me they worried about you. Saint doing the best he can and you know your parents are worried."
"I called him." Nia says after a few minutes of silence.
Adrian looks confused. "Huh?"
"I called Shiloh the night he was killed. He'd told me he loved me before I left to go to Seattle and I was ready to tell him that the feeling was mutual." Nia wipes the fresh tears that were now falling. "He didn't pick up. Now I wish I would have left a voicemail or something."
"Hey, hey." Adrian climbs over behind her, and pulls her up, holding her. "Man, I know Shiloh already knew. Everybody did. He knew you loved him, Ni."
Nia sighs against him. "I won't know that for sure."
"Shiloh wouldn't want you to be in this bed, all day and all night. Missing school or none of that. CJ said he was braggin' about how his shorty was smart and studious." Adrian chuckles.
Nia smiles a little before it quickly falls. "I miss him, Dri. I miss him sooo much!" She breaks down. "I miss him holding me, I miss his voice.. I can't breathe at all. It feels like I am suffocating without him here." She sobbed.
"I know baby girl." Adrian wraps his arms around her tightly. "I know man. I'm here for you. Everybody here for you. This shit gon hurt like a bitch for a minute, but I'ma be sittin' here hurting like a bitch with you."
"Tell me how everyone's doing."
Adrian clears his throat before speaking. "Um, Mariyah and Khalil are gonna have the baby. She couldn't go through with the abortion."
"Oh my God, I'm such a horrible friend." Nia mumbled.
"Stop, chill. Mariyah understood. Khalil was right there through everything." Adrian explains. "Roman is getting back healthy. Mara trying to help CJ through this, but she convinced her mom to let her do hip hop dancing. Miyah is.. Miyah."
Nia laughs, and looks up at him. "And you?"
"I'm good now that my Dad is out of the doghouse. My mom thought he was cheating, but he was planning an anniversary surprise. It was last night and my Dad can be really romantic. He's just dumb sometimes." Adrian chuckles to himself.
"Genes are strong, buddy." Nia jokes.
"Ha ha, you got jokes." Adrian looks at her. "I'm real, real good now that my best friend is at least smiling and cracking jokes. Now, next step is a shower."
Nia smells herself and shakes her head. "You're right."
"So, you're gonna shower and come down to eat?"
Sighing, Nia nods and sits up. "What did my mom cook?"
"Fried chicken, greens, rice and gravy with some cornbread." Adrian pats his full tummy.
"Ohh, that sounds really good. Let me go shower." Nia quickly gets up and goes to her bathroom.
Adrian gets out of the bed and walks out of the room to head downstairs. A concerned Naomi stood at the end of the staircase, patiently waiting for some good news.
"Any luck?" She asks.
Adrian nods her head. "Yea, she's showering now. Gotta take it slow, but it's progress."
"Thank God." Naomi sighs in relief.
"How's his mom and sister doing?" Adrian asks.
Naomi looks at him. "I haven't talked to them since the funeral. I send Ayshah a voicemail everyday to let her know that I'm thinking of her and when she's ready, I'll hear from her. I know she needs time. I can't imagine losing any of my kids. I don't think there's anything worse."
Adrian sighs and puts his hand in his pocket. "I heard Asheek got life without parole. Travis, too."
Naomi nods her head. "Sucks, you know? I tried getting Asheek off the streets way before this. If he were already in prison, I don't believe any of this happens. And Travis, while I'm upset, I still can't help but be saddened that he ended up the way he did. In a weird way, I know he loved Shiloh. He just allowed his selfishness to take over. Now, Shiloh's dead and he's in prison for the rest of his young life."
"I agree. I just wish Travis would've came with Shiloh."
"Me too." Naomi agrees. "Are you going to stay a little while longer?"
Adrian nods. "Yea, I wanna make sure she actually eats. Saint was applying pressure last night. 'You're her best friend, you gotta make her feel better!'" Adrian mocks him.
Naomi laughs. "Saint lovessss Nia. They're in sync with one another. Saint has been sick for a week."
"That's crazy." Adrian takes a seat on the couch.
Nia comes down the staircase in a t-shirt and compression shorts. Her hair was up in a bun, and this was surprisingly the best she looked all week.
"I smelled those greens when I opened the door. Where are they?" Nia looks at Naomi. Naomi smiles and wraps her arms around her daughter. "Mommy .. I'm hungry."
"I love you so much, Nia. Promise me that this is a turn for the better." She pulls away to look Nia in her eyes.
"I can't promise that I won't have really bad days, but I'll try to be more active." She responds honestly. "Shiloh was my first love and to lose him suddenly, I need to learn how to live with that. And the fact that no one I know has been through this, I have to learn on my own."
Naomi kisses her forehead. "I understand. Still, we're all here for you. If you're having a bad day, let me know."
"Okay." Nia nods her head. "Right now, I want some of those greens."
Naomi points to the stove. "I fixed you a plate already my love. It's in the oven."