The kiss happened so sudden and quick, I didn't have any chance to react or dodge. But to my surprise, when his lips touched mine, I didn't flinch back. Actually, I really enjoyed it and I craved more. After we finally parted our lips, I couldn't think properly anymore. Why in the world would he do that?
"Don't be so quiet, I need to know what this is." Luka looked at me desperately, his glance demanding an answer by me.
"You weren't in the position to do this," I mumbled quietly.
"You could've backed off. You could've said that I should stop. But you didn't." He concluded calmly and I felt my face heating up.
He was right. I would be lying if I said that this kiss left me untouched. Because it did feel good to have his lips on mine, otherwise, I wouldn't have continued it.
I didn't know what to say in defense so I helplessly pressed my lips together and shrugged with my shoulders as an apology for my lack of reaction.
"I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say. Everything happened so fast and I don't how to respond to all of this."
Surprisingly, Luka comfortingly put his hand on my shoulder. I had expected him to be disappointed by my reaction because he wanted to be more than friends.
"May, listen." He said with a gentle voice instead. "I didn't kiss you because I thought I'd be able to convince you to be with me. But I needed you to know that my feelings for you are genuine and I still feel shitty for all the horrible things I did to you. And if I now crossed a line and you feel like we can't stay friends anymore, I just want you to know that this was worth the risk. Because I rather try to make a move instead of never doing anything and regretting it later."
My heart was hurting at the sight of his statue. Unlike before he didn't look like the confident and cocky asshole I always used to see in him. Right now he looked like a simple boy who desperately waited for a reciprocation of his feelings after getting denied the first time. And while I couldn't deny the fact that I was at least a bit attracted to him, something inside me still hesitated to take the next step. After all, I knew that it would be scandalous to agree to be with him just after I finished playing in this split. I could already imagine the number of rumors and gossip going around and I definitely wasn't ready to deal with that. And then there was Jesper. Although I noticed that I thought about him less over the weeks, on some days he still haunted in my mind.
The more it hurt to reject him one more time which made it even harder to speak it out loud.
"Shit Luka... I don't care about what you did anymore, I forgave you a long time ago, you're one of the only persons who stood by me the whole time. Believe me after everything that happened I really want this. I can feel that you're serious with me just by the fact that after all, you still want to be with me even though we went through so much shit together. But it wouldn't be fair to say yes because I can't give you what you deserve. I'm afraid that I'll use you as a replacement to fix the deep hole Jesper caused in me. You deserve someone much better than me." As soon as I spoke my answer out loud, I could see Luka's facial expression changing to a disappointed one. I never saw him like that before, the hopeful expression he had on literally faded away, not knowing what to say.
"I know I promised you that I just needed time. But your patience with me just showed me how selfish I'm actually am and first I need to get myself together again. And think about the things people will say when they'd find out about us. We are still at the beginning of our careers and this is not worth harming our career. I'm so sorry, I wish I could give you another answer, but I can't be what you want."
The more I tried to justify myself, the more uncomfortable I felt and him not commenting at all made me crazy. Instead, he only listened to everything patiently and glanced at me with a neutral expression.
Instinctively, I reached out for him and wanted to pull him in a consoling hug but shockingly he took a few steps back when I wanted to put my arms around him. His mien looked hurt as he still progressed what I just said.
Affected by his hostile gesture I bid my lips to hide my disappointment but if I were in his situation, I would do the same. I wasn't in the position to feel hurt, after all, I just broke his heart.
Eventually, he began to speak again, but his tone was cooler and more reserved than usual.
"Alright, you made yourself clear. I hope you understand that we can't really stay friends after this. Thanks for listening though." Luka waited a bit, in hope that I'd change my mind, but I only stood there, accepting his decision without another reaction. Then he quickly left the spot, not turning around once.
I stayed for a bit, processing our likely last conversation as friends. It wasn't my intention to ruin our friendship or hurt him in any way, but to protect us both. Being with me was a challenge he shouldn't concentrate on right now. And while we were both hurting right now, it was better for us before the pain would be too much. I could only hope that he'd be ready to forgive me one day.
When I went back to the studio, Glenn was already expecting me, having a confused glance put on.
"I just saw Luka running away without you. What happened?" He asked me carefully. It was very likely that he already knew how our conversation turned out because at the same moment he answered the question himself. "God, don't tell me..."
"Yeah, I rejected him. Again. But it was only for our own good, his and my career could seriously be damaged if we agree to a relationship right now. He doesn't deserve this, especially when he has so much more to achieve. Glenn, it wouldn't be fair." Frantically, I explained him my conflicting situation, causing him to shook his head.
"You weren't there when he asked me to lead you to him after the games. Or when he told me how he felt about you. He told me he waited so long and would be devastated if you'd say no again."
"But can you blame me?!" Disappointed by his hidden accusations, I tried to defend my decision. "In the end, it was better for everyone involved and I didn't say I would reject him completely. Just right now is not the right moment. And I feel bad myself for hurting myself, so don't be so ignorant and rub salt in the wound."
"But if not now, then when? Do you really think you'll be able to try again when you rejected him again? Damn May, you told me yourself that you weren't sure if you want to stay in the scene. Maybe you will get hate. Maybe there will be rumors about you leaking LCS related stuff. But the only thing that matters is that you both know that nothing of this is true. And you can't tell me that you don't want it too."
Even though Glenn brought up some good points and made me doubt my decision for a minute, I stubbornly continued to deny it. "You don't understand it. I should've rejected him the first he confessed and not make him any hopes." With these words, I turned away from him and went to the car where everyone was expecting us.
Weeks went by and in the meantime we all went back home, not knowing how our future looked. I used this time to slowly recover from this exhausting split and took a break of playing League of Legends. One thing was clear, we wouldn't return with this team formation. Luckily, my mother was very supportive of me and said that she was still proud of me despite the messed up situation. After everything that happened, she was simply glad that I was home again and told me to rest properly so I could start new things soon.
While I wasn't satisfied with the way I played throughout the split, I was glad for the experience I was able to get and now I was debating what to do when the next season would start. The past years I didn't know anything else than being the substitute for Origen due to my age and lack of experience. But now I made myself a name in the scene and now offers might increase over the off-season. The question was if I really wanted to continue to play professionally. I was still unsure.
My father on the other side was still convinced that I wasted my time with Origen. Especially since me playing a different role didn't turn out so well and we didn't achieve anything in the end. It didn't matter to him if I made more money than last year thanks to my starting position in the team, he was still mad of me. He wasn't home very often due to his work, but when he was, he showed very visibly and with subtle comments that he didn't agree with how I spent my year.
Today was one of those days where my parents and I ate lunch together which was a quite rare occasion. And once again my father brought up the topic and created tension between us.
"Do you already know what you will do next year? You're not contracted to Origen anymore, right?" He asked me with a fake interested voice which made me my eyes roll.
"No, but there's the possibility that I will change to another team. I think there might come some offers when the season ends, but I'm still debating." I answered him uninterested and concentrated on eating my food.
"You can still join me at Universal Records, some producers and songwriters are still interested in working with you." My father offered me, but I shook declining my head.
"I'm not interested." I shook indifferently my head which angered my father a lot.
"Hopefully, you will do better with your team than this year. I won't be the person who will sign your papers." He told me in a huff, showing his dislike for esports once again and clearly making an indirect reproach to my mother who always signed my contracts for me since I wasn't 18 yet.
I was on the edge of freaking out again about his ignorance, just like how our conversations went when we talked about this topic, but for the sake of my mother, I forced myself to stay calm. She was always the one who settled our disputes since she understood our both of our positions well.
"Don't worry, I'm of full age in a few months, I won't need your approval anymore," I answered him with an ironic undertone.
Now the tension on this table was clear and my mother did her best to pour oil in troubled water by changing topics.
"May, you once told me about this guy Jesper. You seemed very enthusiastic about him so I was wondering if you want to invite him over and introduce us to him?"
While I appreciated my mother's try to avoiding the fight, I internally sighed deeply. She totally chose the least suitable topic she could've chosen.
I used to tell my mother everything which is why she was one of the few persons who knew about my relationship with Jesper. Luckily, she never dug deeper or asked me further, but let me tell her about him whenever I wanted to. That's why she didn't know that we didn't talk anymore because I stopped telling her everything.
Before I could answer, my father interfered us and complained once again about me with a loud voice. "So not only do you waste your time with playing video games, but you also hid the fact that you have a boyfriend?!" He said as if he couldn't believe it. "Is that the reason why you played so bad? Because you were distracted with someone else? You could've at least tell me that you don't care about what you're doing and just refuse to take life seriously."
This time I couldn't hold it back anymore and I furiously screamed back at him. "Of course you understand nothing! If you at least paid a bit attention, you would know that my performance had nothing to do with me personally. But of course, you chose to be ignorant and be a crybaby because I didn't become what you wanted me to be. But you know what, I don't care anymore, I stopped trying to make you accept me for the person I am and certainly won't care anymore." Without hesitation, I jumped off my seat and slammed the door to my room.
11 PM
Of course, I should've known that the fight with my dad would end up like this. We never did anything else than fighting since I became pro. And I was so sick of searching for approval from him, it was impossible anyway.
In times like these, I always talked with Jesper or most recently Luka about it and both of them always made me feel better afterward as they understood my situation. Now none of them very available anymore and I felt very lonely.
I didn't talk to Luka since I rejected him and I couldn't deny that I did miss him at least a bit. His texts were the reason why I always chuckled throughout the day and our interactions made me forget about the sad times in my life.
Right now I realized, even more, how integrated he became in my life and once again I asked myself if I did the right decision by rejecting him. Because without him joy and happiness seemed to be gone and there was not a single day since the incident that I didn't think about him.
And when I realized that I didn't think about Jesper once for weeks and didn't feel anything when someone mentioned his name, I knew I had to fix one thing.
August 21, 10 PM
EULCS Studio
The semifinal match between G2 and Unicorns of Love just ended and G2 was able to beat them convincingly with a scoreline of 3-1. After arranging my thoughts properly by thinking about them a few days, I was sure me being here was the right move.
Inconspicuously, I waited in the same corner Luka and I stood the last time so no one would notice that I was there. Luckily, I had a friend like Glenn who would convince his friend to come again.
And then I saw him walking towards me, still being focused on his phone, probably reading what Glenn wrote to him. Finally, he noticed me and looked at me baffled. He stopped walking which made me come nearer to him.
And this time it was me who kissed him without a warning.
A/N: Helloooo someone's still active here? It's been more than a half year, I know, but I always promised myself that I'd finish this fanfiction even if I'd need 10 years for this and here you go, a new chapter.
Hope you enjoyed it and I hope I won't need as much time for the next chapter than for this one :p