Chapter 9 – Everyone grieves Differently.
Ryan Morgan-Vext...
It is so good to have Tommy home for a couple of days. I can't even begin to articulate just how badly I have missed my husband. It is so difficult being apart when we are newly-weds. Usually newly-weds spend 2 weeks in a foreign land where they can enjoy the start of their lives together. Unfortunately; our honeymoon had, had to be put on hold while my husband tours with a band, that he immensely admired, plus that is major exposure for his own band.
For so many years; Tommy had been paying his dues; doing all the degrading work that he could get, just to get his bands name out there. I don't think that I can be any prouder of him even, if I wanted to be!
My husband hasn't had the easiest of lives; it was because of those problems that he and I had met.
Coming home one night, Tommy had found his brother robbing him – the brother attacked Tommy – leaving him for dead. Some way, somehow, he was found and rushed to hospital; he made it through the extensive operation that had given him less than 30% to survive. It was through rehab that I met him; I was assigned to be his physio.
I hadn't even realised that I had fallen for him until his rehab was complete and he had been discharged from my care. Thank God, he had felt the same way as I felt for him and he came back to rehab to tell me that he had fallen for me and wanted to take me out on a date, if I was interested. I forgot all the girls code and agreed to the date instantly, I didn't even take a beat to pretend to think about it. I know that I would never have had the guts to go and find him; Tommy liked to joke that I should just accept the fact that he loves me more because he came to find me to tell me how he felt.
I allowed him to have the win on that one. We all know that I love him more; yes, I am that convinced that I am in the right and that I love him more.
Anyway; it is amazing to have him home, even if it is only for a couple of days. I will take what I can get at the moment, and I will not complain. I know that once Ivan finishes his stint in rehab, he will be re-joining the band and that would mean that Tommy can come home to me for good. Well at least, until we have had our honeymoon anyway.
Seeing Ivan flirting like mad with Emily; told me that he would be back with his band in no time; he was clearly doing much better than he had been when he entered rehab. Ivan is 100% the type that Emily is attracted too – the tattoos, the bad boy exterior and the fact that he swears like a god damn sailor will absolutely not hurt his case with her.
The only problem – she wasn't in the right head space, not at the moment anyway. My friend is still grieving, she is mourning the loss of her father and that isn't something that she is just going to get over in the space of a couple of days. My dad had told me that she was working on it in the same manner that, Ben dealt with the death of Grace; whom was Emily's mom. That was in silence; she was putting on a brave front, she was showing us all this capable and in control persona, but Paige and I, and even our dad, knew that under the exterior she was kicking her legs like mad, just to keep her head above water. It wouldn't do her any good, if we pointed out that we knew she was struggling, she would close up even more, because she didn't want us worrying about her. That is just who Emily is and I admire her for that.
I do wonder if she realises that this is all part of her grieving process. Emily and Ivan have met a few times and there had always been a little spark between them and a lot of flirting; we all called it a flirtship; because it had never been the right time for them to get together – it was either he was in a relationship when she was single and vice versa or she was so busy trying to get her bar off the ground. Maybe tonight was as good a time as any.
We are all looking forward to her bar opening; as we would have somewhere to just go and hang out, on a more regular basis. With Ben dying – it is only natural that her schedule had fallen behind a little bit and no one could, or would ever say anything bad about that. Especially when I am around.
Growing up together had never been a choice for us – we were thrown together and thankfully we had just hit it off – just like our fathers before us; we'd drop everything for one another. Ben had christened us the 3 musketeers and it had stuck; even our friends called us that.
"She's really going for it tonight!" my husband chuckled.
"You're not wrong," I agreed honestly.
Emily and Ivan were grinding against one another – from their closeness; the only thing stopping the dance from becoming a full-blown porn scene, was the fact that their clothes were still in place. Their hands, however, were all over one another. It was still a very graphic scene to be watching.
"Does someone want to tell them to get a room?" Paige and Charlie came and slid into the booth where me and my husband were sat; I just felt complete with my husband being home. While he is away; I feel like I am half a person – with my other half flying all over the world.
My sister is clearly having a tough time right now; Ryan had returned a few weeks ago but we were all dealing with Ben's returning cancer. Paige had informed him that she simply wasn't prepared to even entertain Ryan and what he had done, or why; he has reappeared all of a sudden. My own instincts were screaming that he was going to cause trouble for my sister, and if that was the case, I am not going to sit idly-by and watch him wreck all that my sister had built for herself. I know that when she had told me that he had turned up on dad's doorstep; I had, had a very strong reaction – what is his game?
Did he really think that she had just been sitting waiting for him to come back to her? Or did he know that she was with someone? If he did, did he expect her to drop everything and everyone for him? I mean, of course my sister wants answers – I can't imagine anyone wouldn't want to know they partner would just disappear.
If he really is back to get her back; he was in for a hell of a wait – if it took years, if it meant that I had to glue myself to my sisters' side; I'd ensure that she never went back to him. Not even in a month of Sunday's.
Ryan had broken my sister's heart and I had honestly been terrified that she'd do something silly. I had never seen my sister so devastated or lost. The hardest part was that I had no idea on how to make it better for her. With the help of Emily; we managed to get my sister through that tough and dark time eventually. It hadn't been easy; for days we would phone her and get no response, we'd do to her dorm room and she just wouldn't let us in – it wasn't something that I will ever forget. My sister wasn't that weak, she wasn't the woman that allowed anyone to walk all over her and for a little while, that was what she had revered too.
Then she met Charlie!
Charlie was smitten with Paige the minute that he laid eyes on her. It was a feeling that was definitely reciprocated by my sister.
Charlie has treated my sister with nothing but respect and he had never made her cry. Every time we hung out – it was as clear as day that he was besotted with her – the look in his eyes was plain for the world to see, the way he was always touching her, hanging on her. I don't think that I am the only one who looks at them and sees that she and Charlie are made for one another. And I believe that if Ryan thinks that he is going to get in the way of that – I would pay money to watch when he finally realises that he screwed up the best thing that he had ever had.
"Yeah, I don't think that is something that we need to worry about now," Charlie stated pointing to where Ivan and Emily were heading for the exit – in fact they were practically pushing people out of their way.
I can only hope that Emily, doesn't end up regretting what she is clearly about to do. My friend doesn't normally partake in one-night-stands. For Emily she usually settles for something between one-night and before she develops feeling for the other person. At least we know that she will be ok with Ivan – and it was something that had seemed to be on the cards for a really long time.
Paige Morgan...
It's driving me fucking crazy – I feel like I am waiting for judgment day. My eyes automatically scan every crowd that I find myself in. Is he watching me? Is he here in this crowd right now? I just want the confrontation to be over and done with. I would be lying if I said that I'd tell him to fuck off and I know that my sister and Emily would be furious with me if I didn't.
My reasoning, or my problem – I never got closure. That's because he never told me why; hell, I don't even know if it was something that I had done or said. Surely my sister and Emily would understand why I need to hear my ex out.
My world had changed so much; fuck not just my world – me in myself; I have changed. Hopefully, I had changed enough that I could resist Ryan.
I am with Charlie now – I love Charlie; being with him was so much better than when I was with Ryan. Charlie has no problem in chatting and expressing himself. It was one of the reasons that I love my boyfriend as much as I do. Charlie had been so patient and comforting and he had, had to be in the long run, I am hard work especially when we first started dating.
My issues, the issues that Ryan had caused had turned me into, what some guys had named; an Ice Queen. Charlie had chipped away and had thawed my cold heart; in many ways he had given me the kiss of life; he brought me back to life.
Getting over my ex had been the single hardest thing that I had ever done. I had fought hard to let him go and to accept that I'd never get the answers that I felt that I needed to move on. My fear now was; Ryan had been my first everything and that will always have a special place in my heart. That's the same for everyone right?
I have to admit that I am surprised that he hasn't been in touch yet; its really not like him to be so patient. Honestly, I had expected him to turn up at dad's house, either – on the night of the funeral, or the following day. I can't help but wonder if he is doing all of this on purpose.
"You want a beer babe?" Charlie whispered in my ear.
"Definitely,"
"I will be right back," he gently placed his lips to my forehead; spreading a comforting wave of warmth to slide down my entire body. Then he asked my sister and brother-in-law what they'd like to drink.
My sister had landed on her feet with Tommy; who had gone to the bar with Charlie. Being around my sister and her hubby – it was clear to see that Tommy was smitten with my sister and vice-versa. It was almost like fate had brought them together. Tommy was one of those salt of the Earth types. From the minute that I had met him, I liked him and as long as he treated my sister right – he and I would get along fine.
Upon hearing what his brother had done to him; my heart broke for him. This world is tough enough as it is, you should always be able to rely on family; certainly not fear them. Both myself, and dad always ensured that Tommy knew that he was a huge part of our Family and that would never change. From nearly dying, to now – it was truly remarkable that he is as sane and grounded as he is. My sister, Ryan and I had been raised to always respect and help each other.
"Do you think Emily and Ivan have gone home?" my sister asked.
"Definitely not!"
I remember Emily telling me that she only wanted to have one night of fun with Ivan; her exact words...'I'd love to bounce around on his body for a night!'
Emily didn't want long lasting or meaningful relationships; she admitted it and she owned it – something that I did admire. Where I had once been known as the Ice Queen; Emily still is and it's a tag that she whole heartedly embraces.
"Really?"
"Yes really – she told me a while back that Ivan was hot, and she'd happily fuck his brains out for a night but he was far too fucked up for anything more,"
"I guess she has a point!" the fact that my sisters' husband has been filling in for Ivan, who is in rehab, in Ivan's band; was enough evidence to support Emily's theory on Ivan perfectly and my sister nodded then tilted her head to draw my attention to the entrance where Emily and Ivan were stood; clearly saying goodbye.
Our friend scanned the crowd until she saw Charlie and Tommy at the bar – she instantly headed towards them, Ivan was immediately swallowed up by the crowd. So, I guess that says he isn't going to be joining us.
Emily, Charlie and Tommy turned our way; my friend was flushed and she was actually really smiling; until her gaze shifted and in an instant, her smile dropped and the blinkers fell until she just looked insanely furious. There was only one person who could make her that angry...
Ryan....my ex-boyfriend.
I felt my head turn without thought. Please not now! Not here!
Turning back to face Emily and Charlie and Tommy. I had obviously explained to Charlie what had happened in the past and about Ryan turning up out of the blue.
One of the most attractive things about Charlie, to me, is that – he is fiercely loyal. There was nothing that he wouldn't do for those that are in his life – especially me. However, it felt even more amazing when he had told me that he trusted me to deal with the situation, and if I need help; he'd be there in a heartbeat. It's one of the things that I love most about him.
I can feel my ex – I can feel his eyes on me, I can feel the weight of his stare and he knew it. I know that he knew it; because he had once told me that, he could feel me – in any room, he would be able to point me out without looking for me. I don't want this connection with him. I don't want to have anything with him. At all. It bothers me that my ex thinks that he can just walk right back into my life and I will fall at his feet. When did he become so delusional? I figure that it is because of his newly found fame and being surrounded by yes men – you know the type? The type that will do anything, say anything to be around someone famous – half the time these yes men, don't even like the celebrity that they are coveting.
Growing up, it had never even entered my mind that Ryan would be changed so awfully, and so quickly upon becoming famous. Its sad, if you think about it. Sad that he truly believes that he is something special. Special would be; breaking up with me to my face, or over the phone at least, special would not be running away and hiding until he thinks its safe to come out of hiding, special is not walking back into my life and acting as if nothing had ever happened, special isn't believing your own hype and special certainly isn't making it obvious that he wants me back. He was going to have a long wait – because I would rather go to Hell than ever take him back.... right?
See we haven't even talked yet and I am confused and questioning myself.
Why do I let him have this power over me? Emily, had told me that she thinks that I am only willing to entertain him is because I never got closure, I need to know why. I wish that I could believe that and have as much faith in myself as Emily clearly has in me.
The question right now, is – do I talk to him here tonight? Or do I ignore him and wait for him to seek me out in private? Why do I always second guess myself around him? This is not the woman that I want to be. I don't want to have to question myself all the time and I don't want to feel like I am going to cheat on Charlie – I love Charlie, more than I ever thought that I would love someone ever again.
At this moment in time – I don't care if I never get answers to why Ryan left me, and ghosted me for so long. I just want to be happy – and I had been happy with Charlie, perfectly comfortable and secure in what I felt and what he felt for me.
Fuck you Ryan! No, I am not doing this here, and certainly not fucking now.
Tonight, was about giving Emily a night-out where she could just enjoy herself without thinking about her dad, without thinking about funerals and cancer and being alone in the world. That was why we had told her that she was staying the night at our house – she hadn't been overly thrilled at the prospect, but had eventually agreed that she would stay the night with me at my dad's house.