Hey look last chapter wasn't about someone leaving. Progress lol.
I am on a freaking roll. Guess who just wrote chapter 35 in a night? I haven't felt this creative in so long. Things are coming together.
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Yixing's POV
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Another quiet night in the gardens with all the people I loved and cared for surrounding me. What more could I want? Zitao had joined us after lunch, and I'd managed to coax Luhan away from his work. Junmyeon, Baekhyun, and Hyeja were still here as well, sitting in a ragged triangle and talking quietly to themselves.
"Hello darling," I greeted Ying Yue as she settled beside me on the blanket. She laid her head on my shoulder and turned to our friends. "It's still kind of hard to believe huh?" I continued. "We got married yesterday. You're my wife." She giggled.
"It still kind of feels a bit surreal," she admitted. "And yet at the same time I feel like I've been married to you all my life." And on some level I understood. What we had felt comfortable. Natural. I gazed across the small space, sighing inwardly. Then again I'd thought that before. "Xing?" Ying Yue carefully tilted my face until I was looking directly at her. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," I lied. "I'm content. It was a happy sigh." Still, she seemed unconvinced. But she thankfully let it slide this time, instead redirecting her focus to our guests. Baekhyun and Tao were now locked in a heated discussion, while Junmyeon and Hyeja looked on, amused. He'd casually slipped an arm around her.
Stop it, I scolded myself. There's no reason to be jealous. Aren't you doing the same thing?
But it seemed my brain and my heart were on opposing teams once again. I wanted to yank him away and tuck him under my arm like I'd done so, so many times in the past. But I knew that was not a wise idea. Instead I focused on my wife, who seemed to be following my line of sight, a frown on her face.
"What's wrong?" I asked her. She blinked and quickly shook her head, focusing back on me with a tight lipped smile that reeked fake.
"Nothing," she said. Tao chose that moment to join us, so our conversation ended there. But I made a mental note to talk to her about it later. Junmyeon, Hyeja, Baekhyun, and Luhan joined us as well, and my gaze swept over this ragtag little group. "Thank you to everyone who came and shared our day with us," Ying Yue spoke up. "It means a lot to us to have you all there."
"Nothing would keep us away," Tao said, and nods of agreement quickly followed. Once again, I examined the ring on my finger. It still felt surreal, like I'd wake up from the dream any time. "That's what friends are for after all. We'll always be here for you."
"Whether you like it or not," Luhan jokingly added, and that elicited some laughs. One person, however, was suspiciously quiet. One that I wanted to speak. I turned my focus to Junmyeon, intending to ask him something. But when his gaze met mine, I stopped, instead directing my attention elsewhere. But the pleading look on his face remained wherever I looked.
"It's getting kind of late," Ying Yue whispered to me. "And since tonight is the first night we'll share a room, I'm going to go up and move a few things there." I gave an involuntary shudder as she gracefully rose, patting my cheek and making her way to the the double doors. I'd completely forgotten that fact. She was officially moving into my room tonight. I was going to sleep in the same bed as my wife for the first time.
"You guys waited this long?" Tao asked me, arching an eyebrow. I felt my cheeks grow hot. "Not that I thought you'd be, like, doing the dirty work, but I guess I assumed you'd at least slept side by side."
"No her father probably would've beheaded me of we had," I replied, picking at the grass. "We decided to wait until after the wedding. That way it's special. I'm kind of nervously actually. I've never slept with a girl." I realized a little too late what I'd said. "I mean..."
"It's not like it's a secret," Baekhyun butted in. "You guys don't need to hide it."
"I don't know what..."
"Fuck it anyway." Several pairs of eyes swung to Junmyeon as he hurled himself to his feet and ran inside. Then, their gazes found their way to me, making me squirm. I itched to go after him. To ask what that was about. But I could also hazard a guess.
"I think you hurt his feelings," Baekhyun helpfully pointed out. I sighed, but stayed put. I had to remind myself, over and over, that he wasn't my boyfriend, and I didn't have to run after him every time something happened. Even if I really wanted to. "But you know as well as I do, Yixing, that pretty much everyone here already knows. It's not like you have to hide." I turned pointedly to Hyeja, who only gave me a little nod.
"So what, is my private life for you all to know?" I asked angrily. Luhan placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Tao and I know because we're close to you," he explained. "Baekhyun, and I'm assuming Hyeja as well, know because they're close to Junmyeon. No one is poking and prodding into your life. No one that's here anyway. We would never do that to either of you." And a lot of my anger evaporated. I sagged. Keeping it a secret for so long was taking its toll. I wasn't sure how I felt about Hyeja knowing, but she didn't seem to hate me, so there was that.
"Seriously go talk to him," Hyeja suddenly spoke up. "He's been miserable the last few days, and Baek and I aren't exactly sure how to help. If we can help at all. He wants to see you, but he's scared. Scared of you." My stomach dropped at that. I never wanted him to be scared of me. "You guys are friends for a reason," she continued. "He loves you. So much."
"I'll...go talk to him," I mumbled, rising quickly and fleeing before they realized how badly that struck a nerve. He did love me. That was fact. That hadn't changed. He told me so himself. But I didn't think he loved me like they thought he did. They still assumed it was brotherly love. But it wasn't.
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Junmyeon's POV
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Coming to the wedding was a dumb idea.
Staying an extra day was worse.
Feelings I'd kept safely hidden under lock and key were now resurfacing, as strong as ever. I was showing my weaknesses for all to see. Not the best image I wanted to put forward. But also some part of me couldn't help but feel hurt when Yixing was trying to play off our relationship, even if I knew it was for the better.
"Junnie?" I whipped around when a voice spoke outside of my door. A voice that still sent shivers up my spine and had butterflies exploding in my stomach. "Can I come in? I'd like to talk to you."
"No," I said, wincing when my voice cracked at the end. "I don't want to talk." Because if we kept doing this song and dance I was going to do some things I'd regret. Because the more I was around him, the less I wanted to leave him. I guess it would've been pretty poetic though. This time, I was the one leaving him behind. I heard a sigh.
"Things were a lot simpler back in the day huh?" he asked through the door. I approached slowly so I could hear him better. I had the mental image of him with his back to the door, sitting on the floor just outside. "Back when there wasn't wives to please and countries to run. Back when we were the center of our tiny worlds." A lump formed unexpectedly in my throat, and I forgot how to breathe for a second. He sighed. "I never meant to hurt you Junnie. Far from it. I only ever want to see you happy, but I don't know how to do that anymore."
"I..." I began, sliding down the door to rest against it. "I miss you Yixing. So much. Some days it's a little missing you and all I have to do is look at our pictures or think of our memories or read your words to me and everything is okay. Other days... Other days I miss you so much my whole body aches and nothing makes it okay. But we one our fate. So what's the point? What's the point of any of this? I don't know if I can ever be just friends with you."
"I love you," he said instead. I blinked away the traces of tears. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. "And I'm sorry Junmyeon. I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to make you feel this way. For ever keeping you up at night wishing things had turned out different. For falling in love with you..." He paused, taking a shaky breath that I could hear vividly. My heart twisted. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come. Maybe if we keep our distance, we'll finally be able to do what our parents wanted from us since day one."
"Wait, Yixing..." I longed to open the door, but at the same time, it was what was allowing us to talk like this. "I'm sorry as well. I'm not the only one hurting in all of this. I can only imagine how you felt." He laughed without a shred of humor, the sound sending shivers up my spine. "It kills me to ever think about you being unhappy as well. Staying up countless nights wishing the world would swallow you up to escape your feelings."
"Seeing your face around every corner," he chimed in. "Hearing your voice singing every song."
"Seeing you in my dreams," I continued when he stopped. "Waking up in the mornings and reaching out to an empty bed, the spot you once occupied cold and barren." I sighed, my shoulders slumping. "I've been trying so hard Xing. I love Hyeja. She's great company. The best I've ever had with a female. But she's not you. None of them are. And it's so unfair and selfish, but I always find myself comparing them to how you were. How you made me feel. And nothing comes anywhere remotely close to that."
"Tell me about it," he replied. I leaned farther against the door, closing my eyes. "It took me until long after I met my wife to stop comparing her to what came before. She drives me wild, but for so long she didn't provide that spark that I was after. She didn't feel like a place to return to at the end of the day. She didn't feel like my forever."
"You will always be my forever," I said. "Even if we aren't together. There's no one else who can ever make me feel the way you do. And even if we live our lives apart, there's still no one else I'd rather have." For a long time, neither of us dared say anything, the only sounds being our constant breathing and the beating of my own heart.
"I'd better get going," he said at last, and my already fragile heart broke again. "I am a married man after all." Another pause. "Please Junnie, even if it hurts beyond all measure, even if it breaks us both inside, before you leave tomorrow, please come see me. I can't stand the thought of you leaving just like that."
"I will, I promise. And Yixing?"
"Yeah Junmyeon?"
"Congratulations on the wedding. Ying Yue's a lovely girl." The words burned my throat, but it didn't make them any less sincere. I loved him so much, and only wanted what was best for him.
"Thank you Junmyeon. That means a lot, coming from you," he replied. I heard movement outside the door, and could only assume it was him standing up. "Good night and sweet dreams." And with that, he was gone.
"Bye Yixing," I whispered, making no move to rise from my place. That talk had a feeling of finality to it. We both acknowledged how we felt, and finally really got it off our chests. But it also gave me a chance to hear how he felt in regards to this all. And even if it hurt like hell, tomorrow, I had a feeling I'd be alright.
I finally moved to the bed, reaching under my pillow and pulling out a picture in a frame. Yixing and I, cuddled up together. My favorite photo. And one I looked at any time I felt sad. He had a way of cheering me up, even if I didn't want to.
"It's time to give you up," I said to his picture. "Once and for all. You will always be the light of my life. I promise." I carefully removed the picture from the frame, revealing another picture behind it. "But now, it's time to give her the attention she deserved from the very beginning."
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I made a lot of progress on this chapter in a short amount of time.