The moment I had left Megan’s classroom yesterday I had instantly regretted it. I knew I should’ve stayed and apologized, and I mean really apologized. I should’ve made her listen to me but I didn’t, I just ran away like a coward because she told me to.
I was annoyed, confused, and upset over the fact that she was always mad at me. Our love-hate relationship was turning into mostly hate now and I was actually sad about it. It saddened me to think that she was growing tired of me when half the time I had no idea why she was even mad at me in the first place.
And on top of all that, I had detention with her after class again today.
She hadn’t said one word to me yesterday during practice or at home, and it had been the same today in class. She hadn’t called on me to pick on me, she hadn’t even acknowledged me.
It was driving me crazy.
I mean really, what the hell did I do? Did I burn her coffee this morning? Did I do or say something to piss her off? Or was it something I wasn’t doing?
Then suddenly I heard the bell ring, dismissing the class, everyone except me of course. I rolled my eyes at the thought of having to stay, which I had actually thought about leaving but she would flip shit if I did.
So I stayed my not-so-happy ass in my seat.
I heard the familiar clank of her heels against the floor as she walked over to her door, but I refused to let my eyes look at her. I could hear her grab the door and shut it, then to my surprise she walked back to her desk without even acknowledging me.
Again.
I rolled my eyes, sitting in my desk as I felt the rage plummet through my body causing my skin to heat up. I closed my eyes, trying to imagine why on earth I was here feeling like a piece of shit when I did absolutely nothing.
Why was she doing this to me?
I continued to sit in silence, feeling the tension threaten to overtake me. I wanted to look back at her but in the same instance I didn’t. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of her knowing I was going insane.
But I could feel her eyes on my back.
I tapped my foot, wondering what exactly I should do. Should I apologize for nothing? Should I ask her what I did so wrong? Should I shout at her to just fucking talk to me because her ignoring me was literally driving me insane?
No that was too much.
I was slowly crumbling under her stare and the pressure I felt against my heart, all feelings I didn’t quite understand. I was unraveling slowly, and soon my composure would dissolve.
I stood then, not being able to tolerate it anymore as I walked over to her desk and threw my hands onto it. I didn’t know what to say, all I could do was look at her and wonder why she made me so crazy. Why the absence of her voice made me insane.
Fuck, maybe I did like her.
She spoke, “Can I help you?”
I pleaded, “Megan, please stop treating me like I did something wrong.”
She looked up at me, giving me a cold stare, “I’m not.”
“Yes, you are.”
She shook her head, “I’m building the boundaries. The boundaries I should’ve set the first time I met you.”
I looked at her, shaking my head, “What?”
“We’re nothing more than acquaintances Sam, I could get in too much trouble if I ever got found out. I’m sorry, but I should’ve done this a long time ago. We will no longer talk as if we’re friends, not here, not at practice, and not at home.”
I just stared at her, not understanding where this was suddenly coming from. I questioned, almost sounding desperate, “Is this because of yesterday?”
She looked up at me then, having a tiny glimmer of sadness in her eyes, “Sam, just accept it.”
I shook my head, “No.”
She just looked at me, as if she didn’t believe my stubbornness on this. I couldn’t just let her shun me out like this, not after everything I told her. Not after everything I had admitted and let her know about myself.
She knew more about me than most people.
She raked her hand through her hair, as if she was stuck on a solution to this problem, like she had no other choice. There was always another choice, and the thought of losing Megan as a friend kind of hurt me.
And we had known each other for three months.
She shook her head, “Sam, this is how it should be, no matter what. I’m sorry I made you think otherwise, that you could trust me. I didn’t realize I was doing it until it was too lat-”
She stopped talking, cutting her sentence short which just left me confused. What was she saying? She was sorry for making me open up about my life just for her to shut me back off? That wasn’t fair to me!
I felt something deep within me, something I had only ever felt when my parents had completely fucked me over. The feeling of betrayal over someone you thought cared about you, and that feeling was the most terrifying feeling of them all.
Why did I feel that with Megan?
I closed my eyes slowly, nodding as I felt pain rip through my heart. I wanted to be mad and sad at the same time, but right now all I could feel was anger.
She spoke, “I think you should go.”
I literally couldn’t believe anything she was saying at this moment, as if it wasn’t really happening.
I mumbled, “Fine.”
So I stormed out the room, slamming the door on the way out.
~ ~ ~ ~
Blair dabbed on some lip gloss as she looked at me through the mirror, “Megan really gets to you.”
I growled, “Stop talking about her.”
Blair held up her hands, “Sorry. Is Emma meeting us tonight?”
“No, she’s hanging out with some of the softball girls or whatever.”
“You sound indifferent.”
I shrugged, refusing to respond.
“You’re already getting cold feet about her?”
I shook my head, not understanding why I felt so angry over Megan. I mean, who gives a shit if she doesn’t want me for a friend, maybe she never was one. I didn’t want to worry about this, it was useless and stupid and made me angry.
“Hello? Sam?”
I looked at Blair, “What?”
“I asked you if you’re having second thoughts about Emma?”
I sighed, “No, I’m just angry over Megan and Emma isn’t here.”
Blair shook her head, “What did Megan do anyway?”
I looked at her, wondering if I should tell her the truth. I didn’t want her to think I cared about Megan because… oh hell, Blair already knew the truth. There was absolutely no use in lying to her or myself anymore.
I spoke, “She told me she doesn’t want to be anything more than student and teacher, no relationship outside of school. All after she probes in my brain and makes me admit to her about my past.”
Blair just looked at me, “Yea that’s fucked up.”
I nodded, “She’s a fucking bitch.”
“Now I wouldn’t go that far.”
“I would. She’s a bitch. End of story.”
Blair looked at me and touched my shoulder, “Ever thought of the reasons she’s doing this?”
I just looked at her, “What?”
She rolled her eyes, “God Sam, do you use your brain?”
“Not often.”
She threw up her hands, “Ever thought Megan’s doing all this because she feels something for you, dumbass?”
I just looked at Blair, realizing I had thought that a few times but realized that would most likely never be the case. I shook my head, “Megan wants nothing to do with me, how would that make you think she likes me?”
“Because she’s pushing you away.”
I just looked at myself in the mirror, wondering what I was going to do about it. Megan, someone I unfortunately cared about was sitting at home alone while I was about to go out to Jinx’s and get hammered. Shawn would be home tomorrow morning, which meant no more alone time with Megan the way we had been having it…
Should I go over there and talk to her?
Nah, fuck that. If she wanted and cared about me the way Blair was assuming then she would come to me this time. It was her idea to do this, then it should be her clue to realize it was a stupid idea.
I wasn’t fighting anymore.
I was going out, getting wasted, and go home and crash before Shawn got home. The entire reason I was going out was because I wanted to relax and get every fucking thing that had been bothering me off of my mind.
I was going to have fun no matter what.
Blair grabbed my hand, “C’mon, we gotta go before it gets too crowded.”
I followed her as she hopped in her mom’s vehicle, considering she didn’t have one of her own. Blair was sort of the DD tonight, because honestly I wasn’t going to hold back.
We made it, walking into the bar and hearing loud music thumping through the air. We eventually made our way through the people and the smoke and landed near Danna who was bartending, as usual.
I smiled when she looked at us, “My two favorite customers!”
I shouted, “Get us our usual!”
She gave me a thumbs up as she poured, allowing me to look around the room and eye everyone here. There were more people than usual, which was weird, but I was okay with it. More people to have fun with…
Remember, you’re with Emma.
Technically I’m not with her.
You promised her.
I rolled my eyes, realizing I would need to control myself tonight if I didn’t want to fuck up. I knew Blair would be keeping an eye on me too but she wasn’t going to stop me if I decided otherwise.
Danna slid us our drinks and I sipped, leaning back on the bar with Blair.
She nudged me, “What’s it like?”
I looked at her, “What’s what like?”
“Not being able to fuck with whoever you want anymore?”
I took in a deep breath, realizing it actually kind of sucked, “It sucks, especially here.”
Blair pulled me onto the dance floor then, attempting to loosen me up as she swayed to the beat of the music. I swore there were a million people here as I felt bodies rub against mine as I tried to loosen up and feel the music. There was no need to be worrying about all that stupid shit here, Emma wasn’t here and neither was Megan.
I just needed to have fun.
Then I felt someone’s arm around my waist, and lips at my ear, “You’re super sexy.”
I turned, seeing an unfamiliar face that was absolutely gorgeous, with her light dirty blonde hair and some seriously mesmerizing eyes. I leaned in closer to her, smiling as I let my actions speak rather than opening my mouth.
But for some reason this reminded me of Emma.
I continued to dance and drink, almost downing the rest of it after the thought. I knew it was a bad idea to get super drunk but I didn’t care anymore. I wanted to numb the pain. I wanted to forget everything tonight.
Eventually I had drank to where I felt pretty good and confident, and I wasn’t worrying about much besides what song was playing and if I could dance to it.
Blair tugged my arm, “How are you feeling?”
“I feel great!”
Blair’s eyes took me in with a confused glance, which only confused me. Why did she look so sketched out? She handed me my cigarettes, “Here, you need to smoke one.”
I leaned against a table as Blair sat next to me, “Sam, I’m actually kind of worried about you.”
I looked at her, wondering if I had heard her correctly, “Why?”
Blair’s eyes switched from the dance crowd to me, “Because you have a really good way of hiding how you really feel, and I think you’re doing it now.”
I just looked at her, “That… was very confusing.”
She turned towards me, “Sam, I’m super serious right now.”
“You’re always serious.”
She shook her head, “I can tell when my best friend’s acting strange, and you’ve been acting strange since…”
She trailed off, as if she didn’t want to say it. I just looked at her, waiting for an answer, and then realizing I would have to step in. I answered, “I’ve been acting strange since when, Blair?”
“Since you told me about that night with you and Megan.”
I rolled my eyes, “That was forever ago.”
“It was like, two weeks.”
I held up my hands, “Look, she gets to me, I mean look at her. I live with the bitch, and not to mention she’s my teacher… I always see her. But Blair, I promise you… I don’t like her.”
“Sam, yes you do.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Sam.”
“Blair.”
She took my hands, “You can think whatever you want, because your brain has nothing to do with this. You feel something for her, and that’s okay.”
I knew she was right, I mean it was obvious. I knew, Blair knew, it probably wouldn’t be long till Shawn knew, but I was going to deny it till I couldn’t anymore. There was no need to admit that when I technically kind of had a girlfriend.
Besides, Megan was my teacher for Christ’s sake.
I pulled my hands out of Blair’s and smiled, “Wanna take shots?”
“Seriously.”
I knew she was mad I had changed the subject but I couldn’t talk about that anymore. It was too confusing and painful and a mess I didn’t feel like dealing with while getting drunk.
I walked up to Danna, “Two Vegas Bombs!”
She smiled, pouring them and handing them to me and Blair.
I held mine up, “To a good night, and a successful month while Shawn was away.”
Then Blair smirked, “And to Sam, for actually growing a heart and falling for not one, but two girls.”
I grimaced as I took my shot, shaking my head at the burning in my throat. I was pretty drunk, and it was pretty late, and I was ready to go home and crash.
I looked at Blair, “Bring me home.”
She took out her keys, “Let’s go then.”
We walked outside and to her mom’s car, and she cranked it up and started down the street. I was hoping Megan would be sleeping, I mean it was half past midnight. Then again, I knew she liked to stay up late and scare people and shit.
So who knows? I just didn’t feel like dealing with her tonight, or tomorrow, or ever honestly.
Blair handed me my keys, “Good night.”
I smiled, “See you tomorrow.”
Then I nearly stumbled out the car and towards the house, wondering why all of a sudden I felt really wasted. I ran into the door a little too hard and jammed the key inside the lock, not even caring if I was being too loud.
I let myself in, locking the door behind me as I turned and threw my keys on the counter. The kitchen light was on, and so was the TV, but where was Megan?
Then my mouth yelled before my brain could stop it, “Megan!”
Then I saw her walk out of Shawn’s bedroom, looking slightly annoyed and upset at my outburst. She growled, “Sam, stop yelling. It’s one in the morning!”
I studied her, realizing she looked really fucking good tonight. She had washed her hair apparently, because it was a little wavy and damp, and she didn’t have any makeup on, but she still managed to look stunning.
I walked over to the fridge, “Sorry for yelling.”
I grabbed a glass of water and leaned on the counter, grabbing some hangover medicine so I wouldn’t be tomorrow morning.
I realized Megan was looking at me with a weird look, “Had fun?”
I was surprised she was talking to me, but right now I was drunk, and when I was drunk I usually said things I would regret later. I nodded, “Yea.”
“Emma was there?”
I shook my head, “No, with her friends.”
She nodded, “So you got to get a few numbers without her on your ass.”
I looked at her, wondering why she was saying this, “No, actually. I didn’t do anything bad.”
She raised her eyebrow, “Really?”
“Really.”
She smiled, “Emma’s got you whipped.”
I made an annoyed face at that, “Actually, I chose not to get anyone’s number, because I could have.”
This is what I hated, her managing to get under my skin in the matter of seconds while we spoke. It made no sense, she would say one thing and I would feel it in my stomach. Then in the same moment I didn’t even care because she looked so fuckable.
God I was fucked up.
“You ok?”
I looked up at her, “Huh?”
“You look pretty drunk.”
I nodded, “That’s because I am.”
“Want some food?”
I shook my head, realizing that this love hate relationship really wore me out. One second she was biting my head off and saying sarcastic remarks, then the next she would turn around and offer to make me fucking food?
Bipolar ass.
She was leaning on the counter as I watched her, and I questioned, “Why are you still up?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” she shifted her weight to her other foot out of nervousness, “Just have a lot on my mind.”
I nodded, “I know the feeling.”
“Do you?”
I looked at her, and my eyes traveled up her tanned toned legs as I spoke, “Yea, it sucks.”
It was weird, I could feel something growing between us, something that wanted us together. I felt the compulsion to walk over to her and kiss her, so I figured the sexual tension was back. Usually when she bitched at me I just felt anger, but right now I was frustrated with myself.
I was actually kind of turned on from tonight, and she looked… well it was Megan, so of course she looked really good right now.
She moved slightly closer, “And I couldn’t sleep until I knew you were home.”
Something in my chest lit up, it made me hot inside, but it wasn’t anger, it was something nice. It felt good, but in the same sense it scared me. I wasn’t familiar with it, but right now I was too drunk to analyze it.
But Megan had been worried about me.
I smiled, “You were worried about me?”
“Sam, I always worry about you.”
I smiled harder, “I’m not that bad.”
“You’re that bad, trust me.”
Then I word-vomited, “I do trust you.”
Her blue eyes switched to me, but she refused to say anything. Then I suddenly remembered the talk we had today in detention, and how I had left mad. I remembered how she told me she didn’t want a friendly relationship with me anymore, but here she was, trying to mend that wound she had made.
She couldn’t help but want to be more than my teacher.
I leaned closer to her, close enough to be in whispering distance. I questioned, “I thought you didn’t want a friendly relationship with me anymore?”
“It’s kind of hard while living with you.”
I smiled, “That’s true.”
“But,” she paused, standing up straight and looking at me, “It’s even harder knowing you trust me, and after everything we’ve talked about. I just scare myself, and then I start thinking about the worst possibilities and-”
“Megan, didn’t I tell you nothing was going to happen,” I cut her off, smiling, realizing I was extremely happy, and that we were growing closer and closer.
She sighed, “I know, but that’s not what I’m worried about.”
I raised my eyebrows, “What exactly are you worried about?”
She eyed me, as if she was telling me something without actually saying anything to me. I watched her, suddenly feeling the extreme need to be close to her. I wanted to feel her so bad, and right now my intuitions were down and my guard wasn’t up.
She shook her head, “Nothing.”
I groaned, “Megan just tell me.”
She leaned on the counter, backing away from me this time, which seemed to frustrate me. I wanted to be close to her, closer than normal, and I was hoping it was simply because I was drunk.
“I just can’t Sam.”
“Why not?”
She studied me, “Because, I can’t, just trust that.”
I answered, “I’m not taking no for an answer anymore.”
She pushed my chest, “You smell like Jack Daniels.”
I smiled, “You smell like soap. Boring.”
We were close again, and this time close enough to touch. God I wanted to touch her, and no matter how much I tried to keep my guard up I couldn’t anymore. I had been holding a lot back, and Blair was so right, I wanted her. I wanted to tell her everything, but I knew she wouldn’t hear it.
Nothing I would say would clearly explain everything I had been feeling for some time now.
She was close to me, and my eyes were now fixed on her lips. I watched her mouth, “Sam…”
I whispered, “What?”
She shook her head, but nothing came out of her mouth. I couldn’t help it anymore, and I couldn’t stop myself even if I tried. My heart overtook my brain as I leaned in, grabbing her face and pulling it into mine.
Our lips met, after what had felt like a century of waiting for it, and I felt explosions and heat explode through my chest. I felt her fall into me slightly as I felt the softness of her kiss, and I wrapped one arm around her thin waist, holding her to me.
Then as fast as it had happened, it was gone as she pulled away from me.
She touched her lips, shaking her head, “That’s what I was worried about happening…”
I mumbled, “Did that just happen?”
She nodded, backing away from me as if I was a disease. It scared me, and for some reason I wanted to be away from her and against her at the same time.
She shook her head, “This is bad, Sam.”
I stepped forward, “I don’t care, Megan.”
She looked at me, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for doing this to her. Her blue eyes searched mine, as if she didn’t know what to do anymore. She was confused, and I was too, but all I knew was that when I kissed her… I had never felt anything better than that in my life.
Then suddenly we were together again, and I pressed her against the wall as I kissed her lips again. It was as if we were two opposite magnets, and we couldn’t help but be together. She held my face to hers as I grabbed her hips, feeling her skin against my hands.
I mouthed her lips, feeling the eruptions of heat ignite inside me, feeling as if something inside was repaired. I didn’t feel empty, or lonely, or sad, I felt good, and happy, and warm.
It had been so long since I had felt that.
I took in her smell, her touch, and the softness of her skin and lips. I recognized the taste of her kiss, the tenderness of her subtle moans, and the tension that had finally overtaken us.
And I realized I could do this forever.
She pushed me off of her, holding up her hands in a sort of defense mode, “Sam… no.”
I asked, “Megan, I’m sorry. I just-”
She shook her head, “No, just don’t.”
She backed away then, and then slammed Shawn’s door in my face as I pressed my hands and head against it. I wanted to beg her to open up the door and let me in, I wanted to beg her not to shut me out again because I wasn’t sure if I could do it.
But there was nothing I could do.
I had kissed Megan, and I was convinced this would be the end of us, and there was nothing I could do about it.