I walked into the 10th division's buildings, I've already been there before, a lot of times actually. Since my friend was part of the division. We scheduled to meet after shift to have dinner together at the shopping district.
"Karin-chan what are you doing here?" I turned around to see Matsumoto-san walking toward me with some files in her hands.
"Oh Matsumoto-san, I'm waiting for my friend, we were scheduled to meet after work but since I finished a little early, I decided to come and surprise her instead" I said.
"Oh I see, but why wait here, come with me to give this to the captain alright?" She asked.
"Alright" I guess I could say hello to him too. Since the new year party we've become some short of friends. And nowadays we seen each other quite often, because every time I come for my friend he'd always be there so we talked a little then I'd go with Akira to where ever she would take me.
"So how's everything?" She asked.
"Everything is fine, I'm quite ok with my life. How about you?" that wasn't a lie. I was generally quite content about my new life as shinigami.
"Oh well the same for me. But the captain give me way too much paperwork!" She cried.
I sweatdropped, one thing I noticed about her was that she didn't like paperwork at all. Sometimes I even witnessed captain Hitsugaya yelling at her for not doing her part of the paperwork.
"But Matsumoto-san, you are the one who avoid the paperwork. If you actually do your work. I don't think he'd be like that" I smiled at her.
She stopped walking and she turned around to look at me. "Is there something on my face?"
"You've changed a lot since the first time I've seen you" she said. I wasn't sure if that was her attempt to change the topic or she really just noticed that out of the blue.
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"You a lot calm now. I remember that you were the wild kind of person that first time you came. You were also cold and distant then. But now you seem to smile more and you show more emotions"
"Is that so?" I guess I did change a little. This life was different which made me different. I couldn't help it. "I think I've become soft lately"
"I like this side of you better, so don't go back to that" she said.
"Why was the old me bad? I didn't have a choice" that was a lie. I did have a choice. But I have chosen to be that way so I could become stronger.
"Because hiding your feelings doesn't make you strong. It make you even weaker." We arrived at the office. Matsumoto-san opened the door
"Captain look who came to visit!" She said excitedly pointing a me. I only managed to wave awkwardly. Matsumoto-san entered to leave the files then left again. "Well I'm over for today. See you! And Karin-chan think about what I told you ok?"
"What are you doing here?" The captain asked me once his lieutenant left.
"I'm waiting for my friend. I finished work early so I had some time to spare"
"I see, do you want some tea?" He asked offering me a cup.
"Sure. Why not." He poured some green tea into the cup and handed to me. I set down on the sofa in his office.
When I set down I noticed something particular in the corner of the room, it was a rounded object, with two colors, black and white. I got up and walked over to it. I felt a rush of deja Vu when I picked it up.
Happy (who knows how old you are) birthday Toshiro! -K.K was written on a white part of the object.
"Captain Hitsugaya, what is this?" I asked holding it in my hands.
He tensed again when he saw it. "That was a gift from someone really important to me" he said. "It is a soccer ball" he added. Was this from that girl he liked?
"Soccer?" I asked.
"A sport from the world of the living."
"Sounds interesting, I've never heard such a thing like soccer p, I guess they don't teach anything about the humans in the academy."
"You play it with your foot. By kicking it around" he explained.
"I see" I looked at it as if it could tell me everything I wanted to know. "So this was from someone important?"
"Yes."
"A while back Matsumoto-san told me that you lost someone really important to you, is that really true?"
"She what?" He asked, a little shocked.
"Hey, um if that was something personal. You don't have to tell me or anything"
"It's true, and it was my fault she died too."
"What did you do?" he got up from his chair and looked out of the window behind him.
"I told her that I could never see her again. I thought it was for the best. But I was being selfish and now it's too late. I can only regret. She was human and she had a life ahead of her, even if I loved her with all my mind and body (or just a particular part of the body?😏😉 Sorry. I didn't mean to ruin the story but I couldn't help myself. 😂) I couldn't give her what a normal human could give her. There was just too much stuff what made us different" he said.
"If she was a human and she died, does that mean she's now somewhere in the soul society?" he turned around and looked at me strangely. Like he wanted to say something but decided not to say it.
"I know, you are probably going to say that even if you find her, she wouldn't remember you anyways, but if you really love her. You should go find her and try to make her fall in love with you again. At least that's what I'd do if it was me in your shoes."
"It's not the same I guess. She wouldn't see me as the same person anymore, she'll just see me as a stranger who suddenly appeared in her life trying to make her falling in love with him. I don't want that. Besides she might already have someone important to her. It has been so long ago since she died after all. If that's the case I don't want to destroy her happiness so I could be happy again. I'd rather suffer than stealing her happiness" he said. There was so much pain in his voice. He really is a nice person like Ichigo said. Why do I feel bad for hating him all those times?
"Why don't you move on? I've lost so many people who were important to me back at the Rukongai, but I was still able to keep on because I moved on every time they leave me. It really might sound heartless but in my opinion that's the best way. But don't get me wrong, don't try to forget every memory you had with that person." I suggested.
"You've lost people you cared about?"
"Yeah? What did you think I was, a loner?" His lack of reaction made me continue and forgot about the joke. "I had several friends back then. We lived together and tried to survive together, living in the 80th was tough you know? Some of them died. At first I was sad, but then I realised that if I let all those affect me then I'd never move on with my life so I decided to move on quickly, as the time passes people often saw me as heartless. So in the end I was left all alone" alright. I lied there. I wasn't left alone, because I was the one who left them, but he didn't have to know that. I moved my head "well enough about me. This was about your problem. Just think about it" I told him. He was frozen in his place.
As he wasn't really responding to me. I decided to leave. Akira should be off the clock.
I saw Akira coming out of the file room and she seemed surprised to see me. "Karin! What are you doing here? Didn't we agree to meet at the gate?"
"Yeah, but I finished work early so I came to surprise you" I smirked.
"Alright." We walked out of the division.
For some reason my mind drift off to the conversation I had with the captain guy before this. It felt some kind of weird. For starters why did he bring me to the Seireitei and then never tell me the reason, then out of the blue a well known clan adopted me and treated me like family right away. Could it be that I... no! No, impossible. I didn't want to think about it.
Then I remembered another thing "say Akira, do you know what soccer is?" I asked remembering the ball inside his office.
She thought for a little "um... I think it is a world of the living sport. It's very popular there I believe" she said.
"Well I was talking with your captain before you were off the clock and there was a soccer ball in his office."
"Really? That's cool. To be honest I've never seen a real one before. How was it?"
"Well it was just a ball about this size" I placed my hand in front of of me to show her the size "it has a weird texture"
"I wonder if he plays that when he was in the human world?" Akira thought about it out loud
I guess he did, or else why would he have that ball. And why would that girl give him that. "Don't know, and I don't care. What he did in the past is none of my business" I said.
"But I thought that you guys have became friends or something? At least you don't hate him that much anymore, do you?"
"I did say that I could understand him, but I never said that we are friends"
"Alright, having tea with him so casually is not being friends with him. I guess that's what you young ones are calling it nowadays" she said sarcastically.
I laughed "whatever. Just so you know, every time I do that it's because I come to visit you and you are never there when I want you to be"
"It's not my fault I had so much work to do, working in the 10th it's like working in hell"
I laughed again "I'm pretty sure that you won't burn to death my friend, I'm not quite sure but I think Hitsugaya's zanpakuto has something to do with ice" I said as I laughed, something I didn't do back when I first got here. Matsumoto-san said that it wasn't weak to express my feelings.
Which made me think. Should I tell Akira about what I've been thinking for so long?
"Hey Karin!"
"Huh? What's up?"
"What's wrong with you, one moment you were fine and laughing now you just spaced out. Are you thinking about something big again?"
"Actually yes" I admitted and she looked quite surprised. I guess I normally Never let my problems go. She didn't say anything so I continued "do you still remember that at the academy, when I was just adopted into the Shiba clan. I said that I wanted to find out who I was?" She nodded "well did you know that there are ways to regain the memories of your previous life as a human?"
She looked at me as if I had a second head "wait what?"
"I know that's illegal and all, but there really is a way"
"I know but I'm not following you here Karin. What does that have to do with anything?"
"I just thought that maybe finding out who I am in the past would answer me everything you know? I don't know why, but that's how I feel now" I told her.
"So you've become desperate" she sighed "why do you do this? Don't you like the life you have now?" She asked.
"I know that I shouldn't be complaining, but It just felt so weird, the feeling that my life make no sense at all to me. I wish that I could just live with what I have now but I couldn't help myself but think about who I really am. I hate this feeling, I hate the fact that this life I've been living might be a lie" I said
"Personally I don't know anything about this, but I've heard that many tragedies were due to shinigamis commiting suicide after regaining their memories, which was why it was banned here in the Seireitei"
"I see..."
"In my opinion that's a rather selfish law if the Soul Society." she continued
"What do you mean?"
"The law was created because they didn't want more of their strongest forces to die because of that. But I really don't understand why it should be a problem. We are supposed to be free to do what we want. Even if we end up dying. I know that the soul society is t perfect. But they should give us a little more freedom." she complained "my friend. The one who I talked about. He's now in the Maggot's nest. But he's one of the nicest person I've ever met." She added.
I wonder what this guy did. But I don't think I should ask her.
"you are right. This place is unfair." in the Seireitei we had to follow orders for everything. Everything depended on our rank.
"Do you really want to do it? Even if it means that you might end up dying" she asked after awhile changing the topic.
"I think it's something I have to do."
She sighed "alright. I won't say anything" she said casually as she placed her hands inside her pockets. "Just promise me that you'll live and come back to me in one piece. And think about one thing before making your final decision. What will you do if you went through all that trouble but the answer wasn't what you wanted? Will you regret it but live with it anyways or would you kill yourself too?" she added the last part completely serious. I was even a little shocked that she was that serious. I was going to say something but she smiled as to say "let's just forget what I said."
That reminded me of the talk I had with captain Ukitake at the library. He told me something similar.
"So what did you do today?" We've already arrived at the shopping district. She asked looking around for the ramen place she took me that once during new year.
"Nothing much. We did some training with the lieutenant. She also said something about a mission in the human world but I didn't pay attention to that. So I can't remember what it was about"
"Someone in your squad is going to the world of the living? So jealous. The day we started working lieutenant Matsumoto told us that we won't be going to the human world because captain didn't want to. I still wonder why he hates the living world so much"
"I think I might know why" I said
"Really? Why?" She asked surprised.
"Well I want to tell you something. But don't tell anyone that I told you this. Specially anyone from the 10th"
"Ok. But why?"
"Because is something quite personal to your captain, I don't think he'd be happy if I tell his secrets to other people even if you are my friend" I said.
"Captain opened up to you?" She asked
"Yeah, we talk sometimes."
"Alright, I promise that I'll keep the secret."
"he doesn't go to the human world anymore because he lost someone really important to him, and the person was a human. He loved a human. I guess he stopped going to the world of the living because there are too much memories there."
"You are kidding right? Captain Hitsugaya loved a human? So you're telling me that this entire time he was this cold was because of this girl he loved?" I nodded.
"I'm not kidding, at least I don't think so. The soccer ball that was in his office was from this girl as a birthday present"
"I see. Well it's sad isn't it?" She asked.
"Yeah, I kinda felt sorry for him."
"Say Karin, could you be the girl who he had feelings for? Thinking about it. He did took you here" she teased.
"I don't know" I would have said that I didn't want to know "I don't think that I want that to happen. Don't get me wrong. He's a great guy, handsome too. But I... I don't think I'm capable of loving him the way he want me too if I'm really the girl he loved." Which is also why I need my memories back. Nothing make sense anymore "I've actually thought about this possibility too, but I really don't think it's possible"
"Who knows Karin, maybe you really are the girl he loved. And you did have feelings for him before you died."
As we arrived at the ramen place, we stopped talking about that. But I couldn't get that thought out of my head. Why did I feel so empty when I thought about it?
That night we drunk sake. I had some too, it didn't taste good but at least it helped me to forget about some problems.
Hangovers were never the best sensation, and at the moment I felt like hell. My head was spinning and my stomach felt like an erupting volcano that might erupt any moment. I quickly got into the bathroom so the vomit would end in the toilet instead of the floor. Once I finished I felt a lot better and realised that I was in my friend Akira's room, she was on the floor still sleeping. We were wearing the same clothes as yesterday so I guess we must have passed out as soon as we entered.
The drinking was her idea, she said that after all the depressing conversation she needed something to clear her head, which lead to this current situation.
I found a cup and drank some water to make myself feel better. And I prepared another cup for my friend once she wakes up.
I heard a loud groan, and I knew it was Akira. "Hey you are up" I said.
"You don't seem to be bothered by the hungover" I noticed.
"I'm used to this, back before I came to the Seireitei, I used to drink everyday. You can say that it was a way of escape"
"I kill hollows as a way of escape"
"You are insane Karin, but that sounds cool" we both laughed at that.
I looked at the clock. Oh shit, I was so going to be late. "We are going to be late!" I yelled.
"Don't worry, let's go take a shower together, I'll lend you my clothes, they might be big for you, but it will do for now"
"Thanks" I nodded
I hadn't even realize that I had passed my squad until I heard someone calling my name.
"Karin-san where are you going? The door is over here"
"Huh?" I turned around to see who called me, it was my lieutenant. "Oh... lieutenant Kuchiki! I'm so sorry. I was spacing out"
"Is alright, come on in. There is something important for us to do today" she said with a smile and I wondered what was so important. I followed her into the squad and found that everyone was already there in a line. I guess that I was late.
"6th seat Shiba go to your place." my lieutenant told me. I walked over to my place, between the 5th seat and the 7th. Once I was in place, the lieutenant started explaining stuff that I wasn't really listening, but it was something about the human world.
"Anyways we want you go in groups of 4 and no matter what always stay with each other." she said. And did some weird group selecting. Putting me with some unseated officers "you may have realised that I placed one seated officer with three unseated officers. You will follow the seated officer's orders once we get to the human world" everyone yelled a yes. But I was confused, since I didn't listen I didn't know what to do.
"6th seat Shiba-san, what are you doing?" I turned around to see a young man a little older than me.
"Ah, what?" Was I spacing out again.
"We should get going" he said.
"Ah... yes. We should, ehh un... would you mind repeating what we have to do please?"
"We have to go the human world and collect some examples of data to update the hollow database" he was looking at me a little confused.
I nodded "yeah, right. Of course... let's go" I mumbled.
"Shiba-san are you alright?" Another officer on my team asked.
"I'm fine guys, is alright." Karin Focus, now you have to lead small group. You can't space out like that again... their lives is on you now.
We arrived at the gate on top of the hill and she explained some more. This time I listened, it was about the safety and time limit.
I didn't know why I felt so nervous, this wasn't the first time I'll be going to the human world. I went once when I was in the academy. And we were only students back then.
Once we passed through the gate we arrived at the human world. I remember hearing lieutenant Kuchiki saying that this place was called Karakura town. And from the history clases I remember that this place had been very important in the shinigami history, because Kurosaki Ichigo was from here and the winter war also happened here. Afterwards it just turned into the place in the human world with the highest spiritual level.
Last time I came to the human world we weren't here, this time when I saw the town I felt like that I had some connections to this place. Could it be that I was somehow from this place?
"Where shall we go?" One asked.
"Let's head over to the graveyard, there should be some souls we could help and at the same time it could be where most of the hollows would go" I explained pointing at the graveyard we saw up where we were. but in reality, I wanted to see who died there and maybe just maybe I would be able to find out who I was.
I was right thought, there were several souls around the place. We helped them and I collected some data.
I moved around a little and there was this sudden feeling of deja Vu, it felt like that I've been there before.
I saw one grave that got my attention. Or more exactly, what written on the stone was what shocked me the most . It had Kurosaki Karin written with red paint. And that was the last thing I remember seeing before darkness consumed me.
When opened my eyes I was in my inner world. My zanpakuto Kagemizuni was floating in front of me. My inner world was just a giant mass of water.
"What am I doing here?" I asked her.
"You passed out Karin" she said.
"I did? What happened?" Oh right i passed out when I saw the name Kurosaki Karin. Why was that important to me? There could be other girls with the name Karin... and why did I pass out when I saw that name? "Why did I pass out?"
"Because that name is important to you child. It is the key to your memories."
"My memories?" Was captain Ukitake telling me the truth?
"That name used to be your name." Kurosaki Karin. Was I really Ichigo's sister and the girl Hitsugaya loved? It couldn't be
"Tell me Kagemizuni, how can I find out more about my memories?"
"You need to trust me Karin. Do you trust me?" I nodded.
My zanpakuto smiled. Her physical form appeared in her hand. What was she doing? Moving closer and closer to me until the sword thrusted through my heart.
At that moment I felt nothing but pain. "W-what is this?" I managed to ask. Hissing at the pain.
"This zanpakuto is the physical form of your previous memories. I was the one who had them all along. Now you've asked for it."
My captain was telling the truth. As I felt the pain ran through my body. I felt memories filling inside of my head. It was all slowly coming back, the pain slowly faded away too. But those memories of who I was, stayed inside of my head. I was Kurosaki Karin. Younger sister of Kurosaki Ichigo, twin sister of Kurosaki Yuzu and the third daughter of Kurosaki Isshin and Kurosaki Masaki. I remembered everything including how I died.
"How are you feeling now?" My zanpakuto asked.
"Weird" was the only thing I said. I was in shock. One second I didn't know who I was and the next I knew everything.
"Do you regret anything?" My zanpakuto asked me. Which reminded me of the conversation I had with Akira.
"I guess now part of me is happy that I'm able to know who I really am, but another part of me... wants to go back to before I regained my memories. I guess the biggest reason why I'm not freaking out now is because it seems so normal to me, I guess now I just feel complete again. Thanks to this. The life I have now, no longer feel like a lie to me" I reflected
My zanpakuto smiled at me then my vision started to fade once again.
Now I understand when they say that life really isn't worth of living, I died before I even had the chance to do what I planned for. Life is cruel isn't it? Yuzu.
I remembered it clearly... Is was two years after Toshiro told me that he'd never go back to the human world.
"oi Yuzu. I'm going out alright?" It was the summer before university. I was planning to go the same university my brother went. Yuzu was also going to go with me so we'd be together.
"Karin-chan where are you going?"
"I'm going to Urahara's"
My sister smiled knowingly. "Sure Karin-chan, say hi to Hitsugaya-kun for me when you sees him alright?"
I blushed "how did you..."
"Me? Because I'm your sister. Just go, don't let him wait"
When I entered the shop Jinta was there to lead me into the back part of the building.
"Kurosaki-san, it's nice to see you" Urahara said.
"Yeah, you too. So where is he?"
"Oh captain Hitsugaya will come soon. Be more patient. Come here and sit down. Do you want some tea?
"No thanks, just tell him to go to the spot when he gets here." He nodded and I left the shop again.
Knowing Toshiro for 6 years I knew that he was never late. So I wondered why he wasn't here. I set on the railing, looking at the blue sky. It was hot, so maybe that was the reason why he was late, because he didn't like the heat.
When he showed up, he was wearing his uniform. he wasn't in the special gigai Urahara created for him when he came to visit me. so he still looked like a 12 year old while I was 17 year old.
"Where is your gigai?" I asked.
"I can't stay long. I'm here to tell you something" his voice was cold, distanced.
"What do you mean? Toshiro you said that we'd spend a day together doing silly things"
"I can't come back anymore" he said. I could see the sadness on his face. I got up and walked over to him.
"What are you talking about? Is it another war?" I tried to walk closer to him but he only stepped back.
"No... this time it's personal. I can't come back." He said. Then he just disappeared like he was never there. I knew that he used some shinigami technique.
"That idiot! He didn't even explain why he did that." I mumbled to myself.
From that day he never came back. When I asked my brother, he never wanted to tell me anything. I continued with my normal human life. I started to ignore ghosts once again. But it was kind of difficult when my reiatsu grew and more hollows had been chasing after me.
I tried to ask Urahara-san to take away my reiatsu from me. But he told me that without it, I'd die.
"Karin, are you sure that you are alright? You look a little pale" Yuzu asked.
"I'm fine" I was not. The increasing number of hollows in town caused me more headaches than the past few years.
"Are you sure Karin? We could go back home if you don't feel that well" we were heading to Urahara's shop.
"We shouldn't stop, the hollows are near" I said and she understood that my condition was due to the recent increase of hollows.
"Alright, let's go" sometimes I regret not accepting Urahara's offer to train and learn specially how to kill hollows. Specially during times like that. I wasn't able to protect Yuzu and myself.
But I didn't want something that would remind me of him. By involving myself to those stuff I was doing shinigami work
When Yuzu asked me why I didn't accepted the offer. I told her just that. And she called me an irrational idiot.
We didn't make it because the hollows were faster. They reached us. Before we could get close to the shop.
"Karin, they are here. What should we do?" My sister asked.
"Run" my headache was getting worse as those ugly monster got closer. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it. 'Dammit! Where are those shinigamis when you need them?' Yuzu took my hand and she helped me.
"Hang in there, we are almost there" my sister said but my eyes was looking at a metal stick with the garbage. I broke my connection with my sister, she called my name but I went over to take the metal pull. I remembered when I was younger I used to put my reiatsu in my soccer balls and sometimes they were enough to kill a hollow. Maybe this could work too.
"What are you doing?" Yuzu asked.
"Run Yuzu, go look for help. I'll hold them down"
"But..." she sounded concerned. "What about your condition?"
"Don't worry about me. Just go." To be completely honest I didn't know what I was doing. Ignoring my headache I went over to the small group of hollows. When I looked at the pull, it was growing with pure blue light. 'Here goes nothing...'
I was able to kill two of them when I felt my body being lifted up from the ground
I turned over to look but my eyes widened when I was face to face with one of them.
I hissed in pain when another bit off my arm, thankfully not the one I used to hold the metal pull. I guess there objective was to kill me so they could consume my soul.
I was thrown over to a wall, causing me to cough out blood. I got up, this time I could barely stand. The pain plus the headache was making me weak.
I managed to kill two more hollows before I fell onto the floor unconscious, before blinking out I heard voices calling my name but I was too tired to even care who called me.
When I woke up again I wasn't in my body anymore, because I felt the chain on my chest. I didn't survive.
"Karin, are you sure about this? We could find some other way" my brother said holding my shoulders. He was crying and saying stuff like he should have been there sooner.
"Stop it Ichi-ni... you are just making this even harder. Just perform the soul burial so I could move on" I looked away from him. I didn't like watching him cry. It made me feel even worse about not accepting the offer. It made me regret more.
"But... you'll lose all your memories if you end up in a higher district."
"Then you'll have to find me right? I know you will. Because I trust you, once you find me. Help me to get them back so we could be a family again" I said
"I'll find you Karin, I promise" he hugged me one more time. Before he he pressed the handle of his sword against my forehead.
"Tell Yuzu that I love her... and please don't blame yourself nor anyone. This was entirely my fault. I don't want you or anyone to live with that regret." I told him before I passed on. I knew that he'd blame himself for this.
And that's the end of chapter 5. This is my favorite chapter.
I know that in this chapter I talked about memory regaining. I'm aware that in universe of bleach there might never be a way. When a soul arrives at the Soul Society they automatically loss a part of their memories. The ones who ends in lower districts would remember more than those who are in the 80th or 76th.
That's my theory at least. And made up a way to actually regain the memories.