(Don't press play yet)
(Eren's P.O.V.)
The rain didn't stop as we drove to the hospital. I was still out of it and didn't register the entire ride over. It was like I blinked in and out of reality, only to come back as the lights of an ambulance blind me. My dad stopped the car and before he could actually park I threw the door open and ran for the door.
I ran in being met with a rush of busy people running all over the place. I'm caught in the middle of it but just before someone ran into me a hand pulls me back to the wall. "Eren! You can't just run into the emergency room like that!"
"B-Bu- I-I have to find him!" I stammered trying to get away from my dad's grip.
"I know but listen, running around in a blind panic isn't going to help. You have to keep your head on your shoulders, calm down, breathe, and think. Where are the others?"
"Um, I... I don't know!" I begin to shake.
"Alright come on." He says and leads me to a desk with a nurse sitting on at a computer. "Excuse me miss? Can you tell me the condition of a patient by the name of Levi Ackerman? He was in a motorbike accident?"
She types on the computer for a few seconds before answering, "It looks like he hasn't been put into the database just yet but someone was brought in from one. A young man with black ha-"
"That's him!" I interrupt.
"Last time I heard he was being brought up for surgery."
"Surgery!?"
"I'm afraid so, there is a waiting room for the surgical floor that you can wait in."
"That's probably where Hanji and Erwin are." I state. "You can stay here dad."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me." I explain.
He nods and I go towards the waiting room which was on the level above. Even though I was just going up a single floor, the elevator seemed to take forever. Finally, a ding freed me from the confining space and I quickly stepped out. I followed a sign that pointed me in the direction of the waiting room.
I followed a long brightly lit hallway. Everything was white, sterile, clean. It made me uncomfortable in a way. It was getting late at night so it was pretty barren, making my lone footsteps echo on the floor. I finally get to an open lobby area and don't see many people. A few here and there were scattered around the room, some slept on the chairs, some talked on phones, and some just looked off into the distance.
I see a doctor talking to a couple, they seemed to be middle-aged but what I saw next broke my heart. Suddenly the woman let out a wail and collapsed into her, I'm guessing, husband's arms. They must've lost someone, a child or something. What if I lose Levi! I can't! Not before I tell him how I truly feel. I couldn't look away from the sobbing woman and as the doctor turned to walk away, we made quick eye contact. His eyes were full of regret and remorse. He shook his head to himself and walked away, causing a pit to drop inside my stomach.
This place is full of so much emotion, confusion, regret, grief, anger, fear.
"Eren!" I hear from behind me. I turn to see that pair of glasses I missed so much.
"Hanji!" I ran to her and we collide in a hug.
"Eren, I got so worried! You were taking forever! I-I thought because of the storm that y-you got hurt t-too!" She exasperated into my shoulder.
I hug her tighter to comfort her, "I'm just fine, don't worry."
She pulls me to where she was sitting and I notice she wasn't alone. "Eren..." Erwin mumbles.
"Y-yeah?" I say as I sit next to Hanji.
"I want to apologize. I never should have blamed you for what I did. I realize now that it wasn't your fault, or Levi's. I was the one who got jealous. I shouldn't have dragged you into the mess I created." He said. "You have to understand that I watched him slowly catch feelings for you. I lost him before my very eyes. Hanji told me what happened a couple nights ago but....I'm not mad. Not at him, not at you. I've never seen Levi so happy before you showed up. He's always been a pretty grumpy person but you brought out something I've never bore witness. All I want is for him...and you to be happy."
"I-I don't know what to say." I sputtered. Erwin's sudden speech took me away. Suddenly emotions overpowered me and guilt ran up my throat as I confessed, "It's all my fault."
"W-what?" Hanji asked.
"All of it... I caused everything!" I begin to ramble quickly, "From the beginning! It was me that showed up out of nowhere and changed all of your lives. I made you jealous, I made you and Levi scared for my life by almost killing myself, which distracted everyone. Then Levi got beat up by my dad and Erwin, you and Levi began fighting...because of me!"
"Eren yo-"
I began laughing, yup I'm losing it. "Haha, I was the one who checked up on him, which led to us having sex! Which led to me running away because I was too scared to face him! Then he came to my house and I just yelled at him! Called him a faggot and broke his heart!"
"Sweetie-"
"Then! He left in the pouring rain without a helmet and got into the accident and I HAHA........I .....could have stopped it!" I stop as the realization hits, ending my psychotic break. "I-I could have stopped him.....but I was too much of a FUCKING COWARD to tell him how I felt! And now we might lose him...because of me!! Because I couldn't tell him that I LOVE HIM!"
The tears that for some reason hadn't yet fallen, overflowed my eyelids and I collapsed to my knees on the carpeted floor.
"Eren, none of this is your fault." Erwin said as he knelt down next to me. "This was a freak accident, you couldn't have predicted anything like this could happen."
His words calm me a little but the guilt still stays strong. Suddenly.
"Here." Hanji says holding something in her hand. I recognize it immediately.
"H-how did you get this?" I gasped.
"It was found in his pocket. It's addressed to you...but I guess you already know that."
I take it from her hands. The papers were wrinkled, damp, and muddy. "Levi tried to give this to me but..... I just threw it back at him. Why did I do that? I'm such an asshole."
"You're not. I haven't opened it but I think you need to read that." She says.
"Y-yeah..." I get up and unfold the mess of papers so I could read. When I saw my name written in small blue print on the front my stomach twists. "Umm I-I need to read this alone...if you don't mind." Hanji nods her head and I quickly turn away. I end up walking back down the empty hallway that led me here, I get about halfway down when I stop and lean against the wall between a stretcher and a cart full of medical supplies.
I look at the papers, they were slightly ripped, wrinkled from my mishandling and muddy. I notice a small spot of red....blood. I felt like I was going to throw up. I take some deep breaths to calm down and I force my trembling hands to unfold the letter. I noticed the handwritten, blue ink used was slightly smudged and faded but I was able to read it.
(Play Song)
My eyes widen when I realize what exactly these papers held.
Eren,
I've officially lost count on how many times I've restarted this. All I know is that my floor is covered with crumpled up papers and my hand is cramping like a motherfucker. I've never been very good at the whole feelings thing but after all that has happened I need to do this for you.
When you first showed up I honestly thought you were just a brat running away from his dad. Little did I know how wrong I was. I first helped you because I saw myself in you, a young, scared, confused, kid who just needed some guidance during this stage of his life. I understood how hard it was with a shitty father. And when he hit you, I got so angry. I couldn't allow someone else to go through what I did.
When I found out you were cutting, I blamed myself for not noticing sooner. I should have paid more attention to how much you were hurting and I'm sorry for that. That day at the church, I lost control. When your dad called me a faggot all I saw was my own father and all my anger spilled out. I never meant to hurt him badly, and I never meant to scare you. But I was not going to allow him to take you to some conversation camp, not after what I went through. Everything I did was to protect you. Please see that.
But when I found you in the bathtub that day I couldn't stop thinking about what I would have done if I lost you. In such a short time you became so precious to all of us, Hanji, Erwin and me. I could never forgive myself if I let you die under my watch.
I never knew exactly why I got so protective but I do now. Please believe me when I say that night was not in any way a rebound. You are not a rebound. It wasn't a mistake or just the moment. That night, I guess you forgot what I said right before I kissed you. I told you why Erwin cheated on me. He said that he thought I was falling for you, and he was right. I told you that. Please try to remember. But Eren, that night, was the best night of my life.
I cover my mouth with a trembling hand. Tears began to fall, pooling at the edge of my hand. My knees begin to buckle and I slide down the wall, collapsing to the cold floor. The tears blurred my vision but I forced myself to keep reading.
I've fallen for you brat. I have to admit it. Eren, when I look at you I can't help but get lost. I never was able to fully explain your eyes for I was too drunk too. I know what your eyes are now. They are like two of the rarest emeralds shining in the moonlight. I can see the greenest grass yet the most tropical of oceans all at the same time. I love how they light up when you play piano. And I hate seeing them full of tears. I get lost in them and it seems impossible to look away. Especially when you talk about something passionate and end up rambling. I can listen all day long and you will never annoy me.
You've made me feel a way I haven't felt before. And I have to admit, it all started right from the beginning, I just tried to deny it and I'm guessing you did too. You fucked me up, more than I already am.
But it was then, the night we met. When I heard you yell something I don't really know why I hesitated. But I did. Then you jumped on the back of my bike and for some reason I let you. It was then. We were there at the exact right time and place and I honestly believe it was so we could save each other.
Every time you smiled, I had to fight my own from forming. Every time you laughed or giggled butterflies would wreak havoc in my stomach. When you played your song and explained the part about me, I loved it. When we would casually touch electricity ran down my spine. Each time I was on the roof, I couldn't help but think of you when I looked at the millions of stars above me. When I was younger I hated looking at them. They made me seem so small, so weak, so insignificant under the vast size of the universe. But after you came into my life, more like was thrown into it, I felt a purpose. It was to make sure you were ok, to wipe your tears, to hold you in my arms, and to catch you when the pain gets too much to stand on your own.
I never imagined he felt this way, I was being overwhelmed by pure emotion and the tears started landing on the papers, leaving small wet marks on the words I read.
Eren, you're a brat and the biggest pain in my ass to date but I can't imagine what my life would be like now if you hadn't been an idiot that night outside the restaurant. We both were idiots but if we had the slightest bit of common sense that night, we might not be here right now. Even if the same outcome would occur, take me back to the night we met? I would do the same exact thing.
Because Eren, with you, I'm truly happy. So please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you, or make you sad, or cry, and it kills me to know that I did. I'm so so sorry for all that I've done to cause you pain.
I will make it up to you. If you give me the chance. I haven't truly wanted something so much as I want you. And to be completely honest, I'm fucking terrified of what's to come in the future but if you're in it, well, that makes it a little brighter.
Levi.
........Levi.......I'm so sorry.
I was frozen in shock on the floor and sat there for what seemed like forever. Finally, I force my aching legs to get up and go back into the waiting room. The papers hung loosely between my fingers that felt numb. Hanji noticed me walk in and I make my way back to the pair. My eyes were puffy and bloodshot, my throat was dry and my chest hurt. I plopped down next to Hanji and without words, she knew immediately by my face what I just read. She placed her hand over mine and reached to grab Erwin's with her other hand. We sat there for a while in silence, knowing we all were experiencing the same feeling of helplessness.
"What time is it?" I ask as I open my eyes. I must have fallen asleep.
"Almost 11." Hanji answers. "I'm worried it's been hours since we last heard anything.
"Well, I guess that means he's still alive.....right?" Erwin mumbled.
"Eren?" I hear a voice behind me.
"Dad? What are you doing here?"
"I got worried and had to see how you were holding up. Heard anything yet?" He asks.
"Nothing yet." I admit. I notice Hanji and Erwin staring in confusion. "Oh, this is my dad guys. Don't worry he's accepted me now."
"Oh well Mr. Jeager, it's a pleasure to meet you." Hanji says.
"Sorry it had to be in these circumstances."
We sit together for another half hour until the sound of a door opening catches our attention. In came a doctor wearing surgical scrubs. As he walked towards us I notice the sweat beading on his face and when I see his sunken, sullen eyes, my stomach drops lower than it has ever been before.