It was three days later when I heard of my new neighbor again. From my mother.
"Our neighbor seems strange, don't you think?"
I rolled my eyes. Of course my mother would have something bad to say about her, I actually believe she doesn't genuinely like anyone at all, not even her children. "Why?"
"Well, I don't know. It's just a feeling I have. I mean, she moved here back in March and yesterday was only the second time I talked to her."
Wait what? She moved back in March? That was - I did a mental count - five months ago. Why didn't I know about this? "Why didn't you tell me we had a new neighbor? I found out just a couple of days ago."
"Of course I told you. You probably weren't listening to me as always."
True. I usually let her go on and on so it seems like she's talking to someone while I just nod here and there.
"Yeah, yeah. You said you talked to her?"
"I did, but briefly. You know that new plant I bought yesterday?" I nodded, I didn't understand her obsession with plants, our house looked like a jungle or something. "Well, I was carrying it upstairs and she offered to help, so then we brought it inside and I offered her a cup of coffee but she refused. I mean, usually you have to accept out of courtesy, right? And so I kept insisting and she kept refusing, can you believe it? Then I asked her about how she was finding her new house and the new city and she just said 'fine' and 'I have to go' and actually left. So so rude, don't you think? If you ever behave this way when you move out of this house I'll be very very disappointed, I've taught you something called manners and courtesy and you have to use them especially with your elders-"
God, could she get any more dramatic? I let her go on nagging and complaining about nothing. What was her problem anyway? If she didn't want coffee she could refuse it and if she had to go, she had to go. My mind went back to March. Did I really ignore the existence of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and who happened to live just next door to me, for months? I should visit her soon, just to try her new TV. Or more like to feed the unrealistic crush I had on her. I thought about her long wavy brown hair that were just a tiny bit messy when she knocked on my door and about her smile that could melt my heart in two seconds and about her eyes, even if I didn't catch what color they were, that disappeared when she smiled and about her perfect body and her boobs - wait I should stop here.
I sighed. I was projecting all my ideal expectations when it came to women on her and that meant that sooner or later I would be disappointed because she's not what I want her to be. And then my crush would disappear from one moment to the other. Puff. Gone. Like, first of all, in my ideal world she would be gay but if we have to be realistic, she's most definitely straight. Second of all, if for some kind of miracle she were gay, she would have to be attracted to me, thing which is obviously impossible. Not because I'm ugly but because she would have higher standards and wouldn't date someone younger, without a job, living with her parents and not as attractive as her, aka me.
I needed to get a grip and soon.
***
I rang the doorbell and held my breath. It's been a week since I first came here and I thought it wouldn't be inappropriate to try my luck and take advantage of her invitation. It was 6pm on a Monday and she should be home, at least I hoped so.
The door opened to a sleepy looking woman who I was sure had to be my neighbor. She looked surprised when she saw me. "Oh, hi! Cam, was it?"
Damn. She didn't remember my name? I certainly remembered hers. "Yep. I... Uhm, remember I told you I would like to use your brand new TV?". I smiled trying to hide my uneasiness.
"Of course, please come in."
Well, that wasn't awkward at all. I followed her to the living room and at the same time took a good look at her back and her hair and what she was wearing. If I had to guess, she was probably taking a nap before I woke her up. I smiled at the irony of the situation. Exactly last week our roles were reversed. Today I'd put a little thought in how I dressed before coming over while she seemed ready to go to bed, not expecting anyone for the rest of the evening. By the way she reacted when she saw me it seemed like she was embarassed.
I decided to tease her a bit, remembering what she'd told me when we first met. "I'm sorry if it's not a good time, it seems like I've just woken you up from a nap. I could come to bother you some other time."
She blushed profusely but immediately recovered, offering me a sly smile. "Well, you caught me there. I've been falling asleep anywhere lately, it must be my old age." She sighed and flopped down on the couch, patting the spot next to her for me to sit.
"Oh, come on. What are you, 21? 22?"
I sat next to her and played along. If I had to actually guess I would say she's 26 or 27 or maybe older but then she would definitely look younger.
She smiled again and looked at me. "Older than you for sure."
Oh so that's how it is, she didn't want to tell me her age. "But that's not fair, I told you how old I was, didn't I?"
"No, you didn't. I guessed and got it right."
Right, I told her I was 17. "Fine then, I have to guess too and you have to tell me if I got it right."
"Okay, you've got one chance."
"What? At least five, it's not that easy."
"Two."
"Three."
"Okay, fine. You can try three times."
I looked at her thoughtfully, taking the chance to really look at her for the first time. Well, she didn't seem to have any white hairs but then again if she did, she would have dyed them. I noticed the color of her eyes - amber, that seemed almost yellow under the room's light - and the intensity with wich she was staring back at me. I moved my eyes lower, stopping for a moment on her perfectly shaped lips, until my sight landed on her chest. I checked for any stains just to verify if her statement of often dropping food on her 'boobs' was true or not. In the meantime I of course took in everything else - no stains by the way - like her white shirt that was see-through enough to leave little to my imagination. I could in fact see her black bra and-
"Is the inspection gonna take long?"
I looked up at her to see her questioning look. I cleared my throat. "Just a moment."
Resuming my careful examination I skipped over to her legs that were in perfect shape and then to her feet that were hidden in a pair of Spongebob slippers. I smiled at that and finally glanced back up at her face ready for my answer.
"Well?"
"Uhm..." I looked at her with all the seriousness I could muster. "42?"
"What?" She said incredulously and then lifted her arm as if to hit me.
I protected my head with both my arms. "Sorry, I'm sorry. You did say you were always sleepy."
"And that makes me 42?"
"Well, I thought that could be a menopause symptom. You know, it starts around that age."
She sighed. "Wrong. Two more tries."
I smiled and glanced down at her chest as if inspecting her again. She smacked my arm - hard, I must say - and glared at me. "Will you stop? If by staring at my chest you think I'm 42 I should be offended."
"You shouldn't be. If I went just by your... I would say you're 23."
"Well, thanks but nope. Not 23. One last try."
"You have to give me some clues though. Like, are you married?" I was going to use this to fish about her personal life.
"What does that have to do with my age? I could be married at 18 as I could be at 40."
"Well?"
"No, do you see any rings?" She promptly put her hands on display so I could take a good look at them and nope, no rings.
"Sorry if I don't stare at people's hands." It was true, I hadn't noticed.
"Yeah, you seem to stare at other things..." she muttered under her breath and I almost didn't catch it.
"Well, yes I do." I smiled widely at her and loved the incredulous expression on her face. I put my right hand on my chin as if I was thinking really hard. "Uhm... Boyfriend?"
She gave me a side glance and seemed to get what I was trying to do. "Not really."
Not really? "What does not really mean? 'No, I don't' or more like 'No, but I'm seeing someone'?"
"No, I don't. What about you? Do you have a boyfriend?"
So she was single. (Or she had a girlfriend.)
"Nope, too young for that."
"Yeah. Right." She said sarcastically and shook her head. "So, I don't have a boyfriend, I'm not married... How old am I?"
"28." I said it seriously and confidently even though I wasn't sure at all. She could have been 26 or 27 or even 30 but I couldn't know that so I tried my luck.
She opened her mouth in surprise and that's when I knew I got it right. "Really? I guessed it right?"
She sighed and pouted adorably. "Sadly, yes. How did you know?"
I decided to think of something more to say than 'I just randomly guessed'. "You're not married, that means you're either young and have time or that you're not someone who believes in marriage. And you don't have a boyfriend, usually people in their 30s are dating or are in a relationship and want to get settled down while you're single and that means that you're not in a hurry to find someone to tie you down. Of course you could be single in your 40s and 50s but you do seem way younger than 35 and older than 25, so I had a few choices and I guess I choose the right one." And, I mean, you could also be gay and that's why you don't have a boyfriend, right? Are you? God, I seriously needed to get a grip.
"So I look older than 25?" Good, now she was offended by my innocent implication. There was nothing wrong with looking older than 25.
"Yep. I can see a wrinkle..." I got closer to her, lifted my arm to her face and touched a certain spot near her right eye where there was no wrinkle. She jumped as soon as my index finger got in contact with her skin. "Right about here." I smirked as she sent me a death glare and slapped away my hand.
"You know, you don't have to be so honest. You should have said something like 'Nooo Ann, you look so young you could pass for a 17 year old.'"
"Oh really? I'll remember that next time."
"Yeah, you better remember it. We old people are very sensitive about our age unlike you children."
I just pouted and, upon spotting the TV remote on the other side of the couch, I leaned over her lap to get it.
"What are you d-"
Before she could finish her question I leaned back and showed her the remote, grinning.
"What are we watching?"
"Whatever you want, I'm just gonna nod off soon."
I scrolled through the channels and stopped when I saw something I liked. "Ohhhh, Masterchef!"
In the corner of my eye I could see her shaking her head. I smiled.