"I was wondering if you were ever going to call," Matt said as I got into his car.
"Yeah, sorry," I apologized. "I just need a break from my life right now."
"I can definitely help you out with that," Matt smiled, putting the car in drive. "A couple of my friends are hanging out at this guy Joe's, so we can go meet them."
"Alright," I smiled, but my heart was pounding so hard. I was just hoping my mom wouldn't find out.
We arrived at a small, kind of dumpy house in a fairly standard suburban neighborhood. I got out of the car, the cool November air immediately raising goosebumps all over my body. "Joe's dad is rarely ever home, and when he is, he really doesn't give a shit what he does-so this place has become our little hangout." Matt said, and he led the way to the front door. He didn't knock, he just walked right in. The walls were painted a dark, muddy green, and the dark wood floors seemed to only make the place seem sadder. To the left there was a room bustling with noise, where the people didn't sound sad at all. I could smell the smoke before I could see it, and when Matt and I turned the corner there were a bunch of people lighting up. I was a little surprised to see Ana there.
"Look guys it's Matt!" a light-haired boy grinned, his voice a dead giveaway for how stoned he was. Ana looked up, her eyes settling on me.
She pointed, "Hey, I know you."
I smiled, "Hey."
"Yeah, man, introduce us to your friend," the light haired boy said.
"This is Ryley, she's kinda quiet until you get her fucked up," Matt introduced me, and I blushed. Everyone laughed.
"Alright, welcome, welcome," the light haired boy replied. "I'm Joe, this is Gavin, Dave, Jimmy, and I think you know Ana, but just in case." He went around the room. Gavin had short, cropped dirty blond hair, he was built and obviously took care of himself, except for the holes in his pants. Dave had long, crazy curly hair, and dark eyes, and he just kept grinning at me, grinning at everything, actually. And Jimmy reminded me of Alex, and suddenly I felt weird being here. He had the same dazed, blue eyes. Ana staring me down made me feel worse.
"How do you guys know each other?" she asked, as Matt made himself at home, he patted the seat next to him on the empty loveseat.
"I deal to her friend, and we hungout at a party together," Matt said, lighting up the bong that was set on the table. Ana nodded, puffing on her cigarette. I took a couple hits when Matt put the bong in my lap, and then I felt better. I grabbed one of the beers that were sitting on the table and claimed it as my own.
"So where's Alex?" Ana asked me.
I shrugged, "I don't know, does he usually come here?"
"Not unless he was with me, but I thought you guys had a thing going on, so I was just curius why you weren't with him."
"It's nothing serious," I replied.
"Yeah, well, Alex likes serious," she snapped. I really wasn't digging her attitude.
"Well then maybe you should go out with him, Ana," I smiled, taking another sip of my beer.
"No, I think she should go out with me," Joe cut in. "I mean, she's always here. She even sleeps her sometimes." Ana laughed.
"But did she sleep with you?" Gavin asked him. Joe's faced dropped, and he shook his head no. "Man, then why do you let her sleep here?"
"Because we both have douchebag parents," Ana replied, putting her cigarette out in the ash tray that was on the crowded coffee table. She unclasped the necklace that was around her neck. It was an opaque, elongated gem. I watched her unscrew the top, and dump a small amount of white powder onto the back of her hand. She snorted it into her nose and took another deep breath. She leaned back, screwing the cap back onto her 'necklace' and put it back around her neck. I was amazed. I could see her pupils from across the room.
"You gotta stop doing that, Ana," Jimmy said, speaking for the first time.
"You only say that because you haven't tried it," she smiled, getting up and sitting on Gavin's lap. He wrapped his arms around her and they started making out. Joe looked away, smiling at me.
"So, Ryley, how long have you been smoking, popping, snorting, etcetera?"
"Just smoking, and only since the summer. I'm new, but I really like it," I replied, making Joe, Matt and Dave laugh.
Ana took a break from swapping spit with Gavin, "I initiated her!"
"I started when I was 14, that's when my parents split. It really got me through it, you know?" Joe said, reaching for the bong. "Plus, being high just makes life way more interesting than it actually is."
"Agreed."
By five thirty I told Matt he had to take me home, and he did. "Today was fun," he said. "Maybe it can be just us next time."
"Sure," I smiled, getting out of the car. "See you around."
He drove away, and I walked into my house, glad that neither of my parents came home early. But Kaylee was waiting for me, which I didn't suspect to be a bad thing, but was actually worse than I thought.
"Where were you?" she demanded. "I was going to call mom and dad, but I didn't want to get you in trouble."
"I was hanging out with some friends, it's fine. I'm sorry, I should've texted you."
"Are you high?" she scoffed. "Seriously Ryley, what the hell? Who were you with?"
"This guy Matt who I met at the party I went to with Danny. Seriously I don't know why you're getting so mad."
"You don't even know how stupid you sound," she said. "Alex, despite how weird he is and how much I don't like him, texted me wondering why you weren't answering his texts. What's going on with him, Ryley?"
"I might have told him I liked him..."
"Jesus, Ryley! How many mistakes are you going to make! He's not good for you Ryley, none of this is! You're way smarter than all the people you're surrounding yourself with... Are you guys dating?"
"As far as I know, no."
She put her head in her hands, "Why did you do that, Ry..."
"Why do you always make me feel bad about myself?" I asked her back. "Aren't you sick of doing the right thing all the time? Aren't you sick of being the perfect kid? I feel like the freaky kid who walked away from her childhood with no scrapes on her knees. I'm sick of being the good girl, and I'm having fun, Kaylee. You should try it sometime." I dropped my bag on the floor and turned on my heel for the front door. "I'm going to hangout with Danny. Maybe I'll be back for dinner." I walked out the front door and walked the small distance next door. I knocked and Danny answered, raising an eyebrow at me. I smiled, "Wanna hangout?"
"No, go home," he smiled, opening the door for me to come in.
"Thanks," I sighed, following him up the stairs to his room. "My sister is being a buzzkill, as usual. She's telling me how much I'm ruining my life, but I just want to have fun, you know?" I sat down on Danny's bed, crossing my legs. "I'm sick of being awkward and having social anxiety and being boring. I'm having the most fun I've ever had, Danny!"
"Maybe she's jealous," Danny shrugged.
I shook my head, "I don't know, maybe, but I doubt it." I checked my phone. 13 old texts from Kaylee, along with 3 missed calls and a voicemail; and three texts from Alex. I opened them:
Hey
Hey, you still at school?
...Everything ok?
I quickly replied: Yeah sorry I was busy, I'm hanging out with Danny.
Sent.
"Texting your boyfriend?" Danny asked.
"Not my boyfriend," I replied. "But yeah."
"Does he know that? Because that's what it looks like to everyone else."
"I don't know, Dan! I'm confused, because I thought I liked him, and then I kissed him. Maybe I'm a bad kisser? It's not like I've had a whole lot of practice here, but I don't know, it just sucked..."
"Well, I mean, I could evaluate you," Danny said slyly. Slightly intoxicated me jumped on the opportunity.
"Really? Because if it's me, I want to know."
"Sure, if you want to," Danny agreed.
"Okay," I got up, spitting my gum in his garbage bin, and sat back down in front of him.
"I'm just gonna do what I usually do, okay?" Danny said, and I nodded. He tucked my hair behind my ear, leaning a little closer. He put his finger under my chin, lifting my head up so his eyes met mine. They flicked down to my lips, and he closed the distance between us. His lips were soft and gentle, and they moved with intention. I followed his lead until he pulled away. "That wasn't bad, was it okay for you?"
I nodded, "Yeah."
"The key thing is just to keep your lips soft and not slobber all over the other person-which you aren't doing." He went back to kissing me, and I was quicker to kiss back this time. It became really natural after a while. We only parted to breathe, "Practice makes perfect, right?" Danny cleared his throat. "Yeah, I mean, you're clearly not the problem."
"Maybe if we kiss more he'll get better," I concluded hopefully.
"Maybe," Danny replied doubtfully. My pocket vibrated, and I pulled my phone out. My mom was letting me know dinner was ready.
"Hey I gotta go, but thanks for the smooches," I winked.
"Come back any time," Danny sighed, laying back on his bed. "Come back tonight, tomorrow night, every night..."
I laughed, "Sure."
I said hi to Danny's mom on the way out before going home to my own parents, where the lasagne my mom made was nothing short of delicious. Kaylee ignored me, but I didn't really care. She knew I was right about the whole being boring thing. I knew she must have been sick of it too.
The next day Alex and I made plans to hangout, and I figured it was the perfect time to test out the kissing thing. After wandering around my house and the neighborhood for a boring hour, we ended up at the park again. It was pretty cold today, so we were the only ones there. Eventually, we ended up kissing... and making out. He tasted like cigarettes and iced tea, just like last time. Did he brush his teeth since then? I tried to ignore it, but then our teeth seemed to keep colliding, and before I knew it he jabbed his tongue into my mouth and I experienced the weirdest feeling of my whole life. When it was finally over, he was out of breath, and in a daze. He thought that was amazing. Meanwhile, I just felt used. I felt like my mouth was a hole, and he just sucked the contents of my soul right out through it. I was tired, probably from the lack of oxygen flowing into my brain.
"You are the only thing that makes me happy," he said to me, and I smiled. "I don't really tell this to people, but I deal with so much shit at home, and you just take me away from that. My dad is drunk all the time, calls me every bad thing you can think of. 'Oh Alex, you're such a disappointment', 'You're stupid', 'You're nothing'. My mom doesn't even care, she just takes his side. She doesn't even do anything when he hits me... and he does that a lot." I literally couldn't believe what I was hearing. My heart ached, and I felt my eyes water. "I'll never forget the time she all took us up into her room and locked the door because my dad came home so drunk one night. I sat up in there and held my two little brothers while my dad just banged on the door, cursing us all out. I was only 13, and I was trying to protect my family. And she won't even protect me now... So I just don't go home."
"Alex... I'm so sorry," I apologized, grabbing his hand.
"Ryley, I just want you to stick around," he said. "You're the only good thing that's ever happened to me. The only girl that hasn't used me. My last girlfriend used me for drugs. She cheated on me and told me she never loved me. All of my girlfriends have cheated on me. That's why I like you, because you're not like that."
I smiled, "No, I'm not." My heart was pounding so hard. Is this kid for real? I wanted to break down and cry for him.
"I know.... So will you be my girlfriend?"
I swallowed, hard. How could I say no after all that? I just wanted to make him happy, and make all of it go away. Even if he wasn't a good kisser, he was still a really good guy.
"Yeah," I smiled.
And that was it, sealed with a kiss.