(Don't press play yet!)
"Can you play it for me?"
He wants to listen to my song? Oh god no! That's way too embarrassing! Talk about a self-concious musician's worst nightmare!
"I-I don't know... it's nothing really," I stutter.
"Oh come on, pleeaase?" Levi insists. It's not like he's really gonna give me a choice. I swallow all my nerves and try and build up as much courage as possible.
"Okay I... I guess so." I say, rubbing the back of my neck.
"So what's it about?" He asks looking over to me, I can feel his warm breath on my neck as he speaks. Am I really that pathetic that he has this much of an effect on me?
"Umm my life, ya know cliche crap like that, it's not that important," I say nonchalantly as I tidy up the papers in front of me.
Levi watches my hands as he dwells, "Oh come on explain each part to me I'm curious."
I sigh and begin, "It's just really stages of my life up until now. This first part is about me hiding my secret and dealing with it. I didn't know how to cope so I....... well you already know." There was a long silence as an awkward moment came and stayed. "A-anyways umm... here."
I take a deep breath calming myself down. I clear my throat and raise my hands from my lap to the keys. Our elbows graze against each other, waking the butterflies in my stomach to wreak havoc inside me. I lay my fingers on the keys and start the melody.
(Press Play)
The sorrowful entrance of the song began that represented me hiding myself from my dad, from the world. It was like I never woke up from my nightmare. Walking around with such a huge secret was a pain I'd never want to experience again. Plus it felt as if nobody around me even noticed. I've always felt a sort of loneliness in life. Growing up without a mom was difficult and even though my dad was there, he wasn't really there. Of course we were close, really close, but even so... he didn't truly know me. And based on the past events... I didn't truly know him either. I was trapped under the constant fear of letting everyone around me down if they found out who I was and what I was hiding.
Of course Armin was the exception and though I love him dearly, he still couldn't fully understand what I was going through. The song became lower, "This is me coming out to my father."
My mom told me long ago, "You can't fly if you never try" and I thought the only way I could feel free was to get that secret off my chest but... we all know how that turned out. Levi watched my hands quietly as I played. He placed a gentle hand on my upper back trying to comfort me, sending a chill down my spine he was touching. It takes maximum effort to refrain from either stopping or messing up. My palms get sweaty and my fingers jitter but somehow I haven't missed a single note so far.
Levi always knew how to read the atmosphere. He knew when to comfort, when to not say a thing, and especially when to put me in my place and tell me the cold, hard, truth. This isn't one of those times, he stays quiet as he listens to my playing. I look over for a split second and I see his face in a peaceful expression. His eyes were closed and his muscles relaxed as he listened. A warm feeling pools in my gut... it felt nice. In the same second I realized that it was Levi who was the inspiration to finish my song. Not only was it just the situation but the person sitting next to me.
Before the main part of the song comes my stomach jumps. With a spike of courage, or maybe recklessness, I mumble. "This next part.......is where....y-you... come in." I feel his stare on me immediately and I take a deep breath.
Finally, the song explodes into the main melody. Much like how sudden our meeting was. I remember the day we met, it was strange for me. It was so sudden and heat of the moment filled that if anyone else heard the story they probably won't believe it.... any of it. The way our two paths crossed by pure coincidence was something you read in stories. Oh you know I jumped onto a stranger's motorcycle running from my psycho father I just came out to. Then they gave me a place to stay with his best friend and also gay fiance after I was kicked out of my house.... wait for it.....for being gay. I should write a book or something.
I have no idea what he was thinking. Did he think I was weird? Was he enjoying the song? Or is he regretting his choice to listen... I highly doubt that but still.
The past few months have been a roller coaster of emotions. Grief and despair closely follow happiness and laughter. Levi has never made me feel alone. With him, I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Here I don't have to be afraid of being me, I can just be....me. Our life is so short, I don't want to spend it hiding in my room, blind to reality.
I close my eyes as I hit the ending outro of the song. High notes added a bright feeling for the future, my future. I don't know what it will entail but I hope the people I care for and who care for me are still in it. My fingers move almost on their own as they meticulously and precisely strike the old, still kinda dusty, keys. Levi probably found it disgusting but he's probably ignoring it to listen to me play. I think back to all of our encounters and conversations, the things he says and does. The way he tries to make it seem he's all cold and unemotional but really deep inside him, he's caring. Suddenly his eyes pop in my head, those shiny steel blue eyes. Sometimes they look grey and dull but they are still so pretty even then..... what am I saying?
The warmth inside quickly turned cold as I'm reminded of the situation my heart has led me into.
I snap back into reality just in time to finish the last few notes of the song. When I finished, I rested my hands on the keys. Only crickets could be heard as I slowly open my eyes. I look over again to ask Levi what he thought and was stunned. His mouth hung open slightly and he couldn't remove his eyes from my hands. It was like he was caught in the trance I always get trapped in. Music does things to you nothing else can. It can make you smile, laugh, cry, get angry, get excited, and so on. Yet it can speak to people, other ways only dreamed possible. I can only hope it got to him as well.
"It's bad I know, I'm still worki-"
"That was.... amazing Eren." He marveled.
"R-really?" I ask.
"Yeah, I don't know how you can do that! You're really talented." He encouraged, making me smile.
"T-thanks." I grinned.
He cleared his throat, "So um... that last part... that was really about me?"
I averted my eyes away from his quickly, not expecting him to dwell on that detail. "Kinda... yeah." I reply but feel a slight pit form in my stomach, "Is that weird? 'Cause I can change it if y-"
"What? No! It's not weird do-... don't change it." He said. "I just wasn't expecting it."
I let out a nervous chuckle, "Heh well neither of us expected the night we met to turn out like it did."
Levi pursed his lips, "It was a pretty crazy night huh? But hey, it makes for quite an interesting story."
I nodded, "I guess so."
Levi's tone turns playful, "Oh come on, I did the whole damsel in distress thing!"
My mouth drops as I look back over and scoff, "I-I was n-not ...a ...a damsel!" I argue as my voice gets slightly higher.
"Fine, boring but fine," Levi backs down but quickly returns with another snarky remark. "I am still humbled you'd honor your hero in a song."
I cover my blush with my hand, turning away. "Shut up!" I could only hear him chuckle to himself next to me. That stupid personality of his. However, I recall a moment from that night. A small chink in his armor if you will. "Wait. You almost brought me back remember?"
His eyebrows raised as he hesitated. He raised his hands in surrender, "Okay... I admit I was a little reluctant at first... but! Once I understood what was going on I stepped right up!"
I roll my eyes, trying to hide my smile. "My reluctant hero," I sass.
Levi opens his mouth once more and I was expecting him to say some sarcastic one liner he usually does but instead his voice is soft and genuine. "Your song was really good though. Thanks for playing it for me."
My heart skips a beat, "Hmm... thanks for listening," I say meekly.
I go to pick up the music sheets but I guess Levi wanted to look at them for we both simultaneously reach for the papers, causing our hands to collide. Even though it was just for a split second, his frigid fingers make mine tingle. Both of us were hit with a shock and our eyes meet in an awkward gaze.
The feeling of the room changed as neither of us spoke. This atmosphere again...what is it. It's not just me this time either!
Just as I was going to break the defining silence... BING BING
My phone buzzes in my back pocket, startling us both into reality. "Heh, probably Armin..." I mumble taking the device out and opening the message.
But when I read the message, I'm paralyzed with astonishment. My breath stops as I stare at the screen, absolutely dumbfounded. My mouth hangs open and a million questions form as I read each word over and over again.
"Is everything ok?" Levi cautions, noticing my expression.
"I... I don't know." I whispered in fear. I hesitantly move my phone with shaking hands into Levi's. I watch his eyes pan back and forth as he reads the message, they slowly darken with anger.
".... Not a fucking chance." He growls, handing me my phone back.
Uncertain, I look back at the message.
Dad: Eren, I know it's been a while and you probably hate me but I want to talk to you. Face to face. You're my son and I want you in my life. Come to the church this Sunday after the service. Please son, give me a chance to help.
It has been about 3 months since the last time I've seen his face, heard his voice, why wait this long? If he really wanted to fix our relationship why did it take him so long... maybe it's because he's been trying to convince himself to try and accept me. Plus he showed up at graduation. Maybe I should give him a chance.
"Maybe I should-"
"No, Eren. You shouldn't give that man the leverage!" He scolded.
"But what if he's actually trying! Shouldn't I give him the benefit of the doubt?" I ask.
Levi shakes his head back and forth. "After what he did to you? I wouldn't give him a second thought!" His voice raises.
"But he's my DAD Levi! He said it himself that he was sorry... but I walked out before I let him finish... I owe him at least that." I claimed.
"He's just crying wolf Eren! Believe me." He says in a stern voice.
"If it was your dad trying to reconnect... wouldn't you?" I ask but immediately regret it as I seemed to strike a huge nerve deep within him. He jumped up from the stool and his aggression amplified and it honestly took me by surprise.
"Fuck no I wouldn't! My dad is dead to me... period." I see him calm himself once he noticed my reaction to his outburst. *Sigh* "I'm sorry but I think this is too good to be true."
He has a point but if it does end up going bad at least I'll be able to see the man my father actually is. "Levi, I'm gonna go expecting the worse, it's not like I'm gonna forgive him and everything will go back to normal. I should at least let him say what he wants to say."
Levi sighs again and rubs the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Alright, it's your decision... how are you getting there?"
....Shit
"Umm I was hoping... you could give me a ride?"
"And now you're asking me to bring you? Tch you are a mega pain in the ass aren't you?" He sighed.
"Then I'll just take the bus so you do-"
"There's no way in hell I'm letting you go alone so... I'll bring you." He muttered. "But we're telling the others." With that, he briskly walked out of the room.
Levi and I informed Hanji and Erwin together the next morning and neither were all too thrilled. Hanji only obliged because I convinced her, "As long as you think it's the right thing to do then, by all means, I can't stop ya." Everyone was obviously concerned but I'll make sure to be cautious.
Erwin on the other hand was harder to convince, he didn't think either of us should be near a guy like my dad, especially Levi, and frankly I agree. Levi's short temper and stubbornness are a bad combination at times. So having a conversation with a Bible preacher will be difficult. However, Erwin and Levi left after another short bickering session. There is definitely more to why Erwin was so hesitant that Levi is joining me.
The following day was Sunday. I made sure to get up and make myself look nice. I wore a pair of salmon-ish colored shorts with a very pale light blue shirt and of course my Sperry's. I combed my hair and made myself look presentable. I met up with Levi outside in the parking lot at his motorcycle. He was finishing a cigarette as I approached. He wore a grey muscle shirt with a pair of denim skinny jeans and black combat boots.
"You ready?" He deadpanned as he took one final puff from the butt and then dropped it on the ground, putting it out with his foot.
I nod and take the extra helmet he brought down. We mount the bike and soon find ourselves speeding down the highway back to my hometown.
Passing cars, busses, and trucks, I stay silent as I held onto Levi's torso. I have no clue what is going to happen let alone whether or not it will be good or bad. The only thing I can do is try not to regret my decision.
The engine cuts out when we stop directly in front of the church. I get off as Levi puts the kickstand up. I stare at the building which now felt much more ominous. I walk up the stairs to the big wooden doors with Levi close behind me. I can feel how uncomfortable he was being here and I can't argue that I don't feel the same way.
"Maybe you should stay out here for now," I advise as politely as possible.
"You sure?" He asked. I nodded and he stopped himself from arguing further, "Y-yeah maybe it's for the best."
Finally, I force my body to move as I open the doors and walk in, leaving Levi on the other side as they shut with a bang. There's no going back now. I think as I timidly amble down the carpeted aisle. Suddenly a familiar face looks back, standing from his seat on the foremost bench.
"Eren, I'm so happy you decided to come."
"..... Hello Dad."