My eyes shot open and the image in front of me didn't even process by the time my chest convulsed and shot into an upright position. Only then did I realize there were two EMTs hovering above me when one pushed my chest back down to the cool tile floor that I was laying on. We weren't in the court room anymore; that was evident by the vaulted granite ceilings and walls. We were in the hallway outside of court.
There was an oxygen mask on my face and a heart rate clip on my right pointer finger. The skinny Jamaican EMT above me with kind eyes spoke, "Ms. Mason? Nod if you can understand me."
I followed her orders and moved my head slightly up and down against the hard tile floor. She smiled slightly and squeezed my left hand. "You fainted in court. They called recess and the verdict will be in tomorrow. Your boyfriend said you sometimes suffer from panic attacks but you've never fainted. Is that true?"
"Yeah." I croaked out in a raw voice. I should have taken the fucking Xanax.
"Everything is looking okay now. You should be fine to go home. Just don't do anything strenuous for a little while and have someone keep an eye on you."
"Okay." The other male paramedic unhooked the oxygen mask from around my head and they both helped me off the ground slowly to make sure I was steady.
"You were out for about two minutes. That's relatively normal. Your boyfriend and your dad are waiting for you over there." She nodded her head to her left where my dad and Finn stood watching me from a distance with their hands in their pants pockets. I only glanced at them for a fleeting second before turning back to the woman.
"I'll be fine by friday right? I have Olympic training to get back to." I asked with a pleading voice. She looked at me reluctantly.
"Possibly. As long as you take it easy and there are no other incidents between now and then." I thanked her and signed some forms before crossing the room to my friends that had joined Finn and my dad along with George, Finn's dad.
"How are you feeling?" My dad asked worriedly but made no move to touch me. He wasn't the physical comforting type. I suppose I get that from him.
"Fine. I just want to go home." I muttered under my breath without making eye contact with anyone in particular. They all seemed worried except for Finn who ironically seemed calm. I could tell he was just trying to mask his concern because he knew it annoyed me but I could still see it in his cautious and observant eyes.
"Of course. Do you want me to ride with George?" My dad asked lightly.
"Yeah. Sure. I'll see you at home." I was being rude and I knew it, but I didn't know what else to say. I wanted alone time with Finn because I only talked about this stuff with him. My father said goodbye along with George, Sam, and Jameson. When they were gone I looked at Finn who was eyeing me up and down. "I could go for a hug right now." I muttered miserably.
I didn't have to tell him twice. Finn wrapped his strong arms around me as my own smaller ones went around his waist. I inhaled his manly scent as my face buried itself in his neck. Finn smelled they way a smooth bourbon tasted. It warmed you inside and reminded you of wood. It was comforting to me. A scent that was always there for me.
"Are you okay? You scared the crap out of me." Finn murmured in my hair.
"Yeah. I don't really know what came over me. It just happened, but it's over now. I'm fine. You might not be, though."
Finn pulled away from me slightly so I could see his face. His brows were drawn together slightly in confusion. "Why?"
I smirked a little. "Because you're not getting it until Friday at the earliest. Doctors orders."
Finn scoffed and rolled his eyes. "And you say I have a one track mind. You can't go five minutes without mentioning sex." He untangled himself from me and took my hand, starting to lead us out of the back of the courthouse. Just one more day here. One more day until I return to reality.
I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
In all honesty, my regular life was pretty damned stressful. The constant go go go motion was a lot to deal with. I loved where my lacrosse career was headed, and I hoped to be able to make it to the 2024 Olympics too, but I also wondered what my life would be like without lacrosse.
Would I have more friends? Would I be happier or lonelier? How would it affect my other future ambitions?
I don't even know if I would be the same person. I suppose it didn't exactly matter though, because that world doesn't exist and it never will. As crazy as it sounded, in a way this week was a vacation. It was an excuse to escape my hectic training and classes and to be with my boyfriend. Granted, I still faced an immense amount of stress but I also had time. That's something I never had now.
I wouldn't change it for the world but the phrase 'the grass is always greener' seemed to echo in my mind constantly this week. It made me worry about what the future held. What would happened once Finn and I graduated and our fathers were no longer supporting us? By the time we graduated it would be time for Olympic trials again and we would need a way to support ourselves. Trust funds aren't the solution to everything. That needed to be saved.
I realized that I didn't even know what Finn wanted after graduation. Would he even want to go to the Olympics again or would he want to kickstart his career? I think we had both eluded to getting a masters if we were on Team USA again but that didn't solve any logistical problems.
I don't know why this was hitting me now. It was probably because the trial was almost over. My hyper active brain needed something to worry about. Something to fill the now empty space in my mind.
I had always been an active thinker and when left with nothing to think about, my mind ran wild and drove itself crazy. I pinged from different topics like the flip of a coin, in search of another complex or depressing thought to busy myself with. None of the topics ever stuck though, because I was too busy in search of a better topic to emurse myself in. My brain was infuriating to say the least.
One thing was for sure though; tomorrow would define my life in more ways than one.
***
Those EMTs must have given me drugs yesterday because right now I was having an incredibly hard time believing that my mind was feeling blank in search of something new. Now it was running faster than I ever thought possible and that meant something.
And as fast as my brain was going, it seemed as though the actions of the people around me were in slow motion. The morning dragged by even slower than the first day of court. I was having a hard time believing that I wasn't dreaming and that this was actually real life.
This nightmare of a year could be over in thirty seconds.
The judge opened her small pink mouth and it seemed like time stayed frozen before she eventually started to speak and her voice flooded through the courtroom. "In the case Mason vs Green, Alvarez, and Coleman, the State of Connecticut District F Judiciary Court finds Ryan Alvarez guilty of attempted murder, conspiracy to commit murder, sexual assault, and aggravated assault. The defendant, Ryan Alvarez, is here by sentenced to 30 years in Northern Correctional Institution."
I gasped in relief. Tears welled in my eyes but they didn't fall. That man would finally get what he deserved. My heart rate dropped to almost nothing because I was suddenly so relaxed. Northern Correctional. That was one of the toughest prisions in the state. Sucks to be him. I guess you shouldn't go around trying to kill people.
"The State also finds Jack Green guilty of rape as well as assault and sexual assault. The sentence is 20 years in Northern Correctional Institution with possible parole after 15. The State of Connecticut rules Jeffery Coleman guilty of conspiracy to commit murder, assault, and sexual assault. The defendant is sentenced to 20 years in Northern Correctional Institution."
Thank the lord. They would all be trapped away until they were well into their thirties and for Ryan, well into his forties. They deserved it. I felt no remorse for what they were about to go through. Maybe I should have, maybe that's what makes me a monster. But I didn't care. I don't care about the horrors they would face for the next 20 years, how their lives might as well have been stolen away from them. I didn't give a fuck.
After what happened to me and the permanent damage to my mind and my memories, they should rot in hell for all I care. Call me a monster but I wouldn't believe you. They are disposable humans and they deserve every piece of pain and suffering that comes their way.
Every. Damn. Piece.
I didn't even care if they died in prison. I didn't care if they were murdered or raped. I didn't care if they were beaten unconscious. They deserved it. I would say no person deserves the pain I went through because I'm not a merciless person but I am. I'm selfish. And I want them to feel my pain. To experience what I did. Fuck them, they aren't my problem anymore.
I couldn't care less about what happens to them after they stepped foot in Northern Correctional.
"-furthermore, the state rules that rape of a minor onto an adult is rape and punishable for the minor not the adult." That was a relief. For the first time in the history of the United States, a solid ruling was reached in a district that stated rape was rape. It protected the victim. If I'm being completely honest, that is what made me the happiest. Other people in the Connecticut would never have to face prosecution for being raped because of this woman. Suddenly, Judge Dennis had a much better rating in my book.
I was weary of her after looking at her track record of punishing those claiming false rape. I thought she wouldn't sympathize with me, but she did and I am eternally grateful. I could return to normal and that was something I never thought possible.
When my hot tears dropped down my warm cheeks and a smile broke out on my face, I knew everything would be okay. My lawyer put his hand on my back soothingly. His warmth bled through my clothing and into my heart.
I did it.
I testified and gave those mother fuckers what they deserved.
If there was a sight that would be forever be ingrained in my brain, besides the images of that night, this moment would be one of them. My brown eyes studied the three boys as Court Marshals hauled them up by their arms and cuffed their hands in front of them. Ryan was paraded from his seat to the very front of the court room where he turned to face us before being pushed through a door. His scared brown eyes looking at his last breath of freedom was a sight that would burn into my mind.
And the same was true for Jack and Coleman.
People cried when the three suited boys were taken away from view in hand cuffs, flanked by two marshals each. Presumably their parents were the ones weeping for them. I couldn't imagine anyone else who would. I might not feel bad for the three boys, but I did feel sympathy for their parents. You don't stop loving someone because they did something atrocious. They were still little boys in their parents eyes, and that I could feel sorry about. Inflicting hurt on innocent people, no matter how guilty their son's were, felt wrong.
But it was reality.
Everything seemed to go by on auto pilot. I don't even remember exiting the courtroom when we were dismissed. Next thing I knew, I'm practically tackling Finn with all my weight as my arms wrapped around his hulk frame. He caught me in his arms with ease and squeezed my body back just as hard. My tears had dried and now I only had a smile on my bright face. I was so proud of myself for even making it to court on the first day, let alone testifying and putting them away for good.
"We did it. It's all over." I said is disbelief.
Finn laughed in my ear. "You did it. They won't ever see you again. They got what they deserved." He spoke into my ear. When we pulled our heads back, I kissed Finn on the lips passionately, not caring about the setting.
His lips loved feverishly against mine, his excitement translating into the movement of his warm lips against my own. It was blissful.
We were pulled apart by the sound of someone clearing their throat. Normally, I would have untangled myself sheepishly but instead I did so with confidence. I turned around to see that the noise had come from my father who was standing behind me with a smile on his face. I wasted no time in tackling the suited man into a hug of his own which he returned with glee.
Things were finally looking up.