The sound of waves hitting shore fill my ears while the sun prickles my skin. The temperature has fallen slowly, yet it's still weather for shorts and skirts. Hopefully, it'll stay this way for long. I like summer, but often it gets too hot for my liking. I like autumn better, and right now the weather is just perfect. It's not too warm nor too hot. I don't like when we get to January, and the weather reaches more than 35 degrees. The sweat is literally dripping off of you and I truly hate it. Not that I think anyone would like that, but I'd rather be cold than be sweating like that. At least when it's cold, you can always put on more clothes. In summer I just want to stay in the water all day to cool down.
I hold my camera tight and press the button halfway down before I snap a picture. I've been too busy working to really take my time with photography and I truly miss it. The good thing about photography is that you always have an excuse to spend time outside. Sometimes, it feels like I never get to spend time outside anymore. Being a student and working at the café surely was different. Now, I work Monday through Friday from 9-5 most days. The downside to that means that there's no time for anything in the morning, and when I'm off work I normally end up spending the rest of the day watching a tv-series, too tired to be bothered with anything else. But at work there's Harry, so I'm honestly not complaining. But this feels good. I've missed my camera in between my hands, and I've missed the beauty of nature. I've also missed the quietness and peacefulness. In the city, you'll constantly hear the cars on the streets. Right at this moment, there's no sound of cars. Just the waves and the noise of people in the distance. Right here everything is good. This is why I love Sydney. I love that you have so much nature so close to the city, and I love the many beaches that Sydney has to offer. And I'm not talking about Bondi Beach. It's often too crowded. Too many tourists go there. Manly too. I like Maroubra better, it's big too, but not as many tourists go there. But it's not my favourite beach. Coogee is nice, and Clovelly also because it's so small. I feel like people often forget it exists. I'm happy they do, that means I can often go there for some quiet time. Especially now that summer is over. Sometimes I also go to Watson's Bay. But I can't walk there so I don't go there too often. Right now, I'm at Tamarama beach. In all honesty, I like all the beaches in the Eastern Suburbs, apart from Bondi. Although, Maroubra is no longer that high on my list. I guess it's because I live pretty close, and for a long period of time I saw it every day.
I take a picture of a surfer running out into the water, and then another of someone catching a wave. They don't know that I'm doing it. But that's what I like about it. I'm catching them doing what they love and those pictures are priceless because they aren't faking anything or posing for a different picture, something that's not real. It's not that I hate social media, and I'm guilty of using it myself. However, I hate the fact that most of what you see isn't real. People will put on make-up and write a caption: Going out tonight. Only they are not going out. Instead, they are spending the entire day in bed. Mostly we only see all the good stuff. I don't like that. And that's why I like taking these pictures because here nobody is hiding and this isn't fake. I'm capturing what they are doing at this exact moment. I wish we took more time to capture the real things instead of capturing everything that's not.
"You disappeared from the face of the earth," someone next to me says, and I trap out of my trance.
"Hi Bonnie," I say, and she sits down next to me with a coffee in each hand. "Thanks," I say getting the coffee from her left hand.
"Why didn't you pick up your phone? I was wondering if you were still here. Called you like five times."
"Sorry, it was on mute," I say placing my camera in my lap and grab my phone out of my purse. "You called twice," I chuckle.
"I might as well have called five times, and still you wouldn't have answered."
"I told you I'd be here," I say. "I wasn't going to leave without telling you. How was work?"
"Same ol', same ol'. Now I'm more curious as to what's going on in your life. How's everything going with your boss?" She asks as if she already knows about Harry and me.
"Fine," I say trying to hide my smile by taking a sip of my coffee at the mentioning of Harry.
"Fine?" She raises her eyebrows at me, and I shrug biting my lip not wanting to be too obvious. "Did something happen between you two?"
I shrug and stare out into the waves. "Maybe."
"You slept with him didn't you?" She asks, and I gulp. She's caught me, and by the tone of her voice, she doesn't sound pleased. "Leah?" She says. I nod slowly.
"He's just so nice," I explain.
"Nice? He's nice? You don't sleep with someone because he's nice."
"Right that came out wrong," I say wanting to slap myself for my choice of words. "He's really amazing, Bon. He understands me, and he treats me nicely. He's perfect."
"There's no such thing as perfect, and wasn't he engaged? Or did he break up with his fiancée?"
I sigh at the mentioning of Kaia. I had kind of forgotten about her. Or at least she has been pushed to the back of my mind where she stays most of the time. I don't want to constantly be reminded of how bad of a person I am. I don't want to be the person to break someone else's relationship. But Harry is happy with me. He isn't happy with her. Doesn't that count for anything? "He's engaged."
"Seriously? My last boyfriend cheated on me, you know I wanted to beat the hell out of that other girl who he was banging, and I wanted to beat the hell out of him. It destroyed me. I've never felt so low about myself like I did when I found out. The worst thing is, he didn't even tell me himself. I caught them in bed together," she exclaimed.
"I know. I'm sorry, okay."
"Please tell me you've broken it off with him," she says, and the happiness I had felt earlier suddenly washes down into the sea. I feel terrible. In seconds, she has ruined everything. But I know she isn't the one to blame. What Harry and I are doing is wrong. I shouldn't try and divert my frustration to Bonnie to lighten my own bad conscience. She is simply stating the truth, and I'm lying to myself. What Harry and I have is based on lies, there isn't anything romantic about that, and I'm a fool for thinking that there is. However, he has swept me off my feet and I'm falling. It is only a matter of time before I will hit rock bottom though.
"I haven't."
"Leah!"
"You don't understand, okay," I say not liking how she's making me feel. She's making me feel like I'm an awful person, and although that might be true, it doesn't feel nice to be confronted by it.
"Enlighten me then," she sighs drinking her coffee.
"It's complicated," I say feeling like my life has become a bad movie. That's probably the worst line ever. It's not complicated. As a matter of fact, it's pretty simple. Harry and I are horrible people, and I'm a fool for trying to make myself believe otherwise.
"It's really not. You need to end this. I know you like him. But I'm sorry, he's in a relationship and this is wrong! No matter what you say, what you're doing isn't right."
"I know that. But he doesn't love her!" I say trying to make my actions okay. He's happy when he's with me, otherwise, he's a very good actor, and I don't for one second believe he's pretending with me.
Her eyes widen. "He told you that?"
"In a matter of fact yes."
"Then he's a fool for playing with her and not cutting her lose. In a matter of fact, he's a jerk for playing you both, yet that still doesn't make your actions more right. What you're doing is wrong, Leah. Please tell me you know that."
"I know, okay. I know," I say sighting trying not to snap. I'm aware that what we are doing is wrong, yet I can't help but want more. He's the only decent guy ever growing a liking towards me and who actually treats me decently. I like feeling his arms around me. It makes me feel as if someone cares, something I'm not sure I've ever felt before. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to feel wanted. I'm tired of being alone but more importantly, I'm tired of feeling lonely. Why couldn't Bonnie understand that?
"Then please tell me you're going to break it off."
"I-I can't," I say. "I don't want to lose him," I confess.
"He's not yours, Lee. Can't you see that? He's fooling you! He's using you for his own pleasure."
"It's not like that," I say abruptly getting mad at her. I'm aware she's trying to help, but this is not helping anything. She's just hurting me further, and I really don't like it.
"I just don't want to see you get hurt. I can tell you're really falling for him, and I don't want him to break your heart. There are other men out there," she says, and I can't help but think that she has been singing this song before. I know there are other men in this world but everyone else seems to treat me like crap.
"Right. Enough about me. How have you been?" I ask. I no longer want to discuss Harry and me. She has her opinion and I have mine. I'm not sure we'll ever get on the same page about this, although deep down I know she's right. But I can't let him go. Or more importantly, I don't want to. I'm not ready for that just yet.
"Nothing new," she says unaffected.
"So you haven't met anyone?"
"I've met a ton of guys, but nothing serious. I sleep with them and then I leave first thing in the morning. I like how that works, no strings attached."
"See, I don't get how you do that. I just don't believe having a one-night-stand can make you feel as good as doing it with someone you care about."
"So now all of a sudden you're an expert on the topic," she eyes me sceptically. "Haven't you only done it twice?"
Her question comes out more as a statement, and I know she's not trying to hurt me, but somehow her words is a blow to my stomach. Then again I might have hit a soft spot too. She can do whatever she wants including sleeping with whomever she likes, but I just don't understand how she does it. I'm too self-conscious to do that, and I'm sure it would be too awkward for me. "I'm just wondering if you ever get anything out of it?"
"You mean if I ever orgasm?" She asks and I nod. "Often yes, but only because I'm pleasuring myself."
"See that's my point," I say. She doesn't need to go out and sleep with people to feel pleasure. She can do that herself.
"But it isn't about that. I like the closeness. It's nice feeling wanted-" she admits, and I realise she may only be doing it to get people's attention. "You should be one to understand that."
"I do," I sigh. "I just don't understand how you can do it. I would hate trying to please a man I didn't know. It just wouldn't be the same, I guess."
"And you're right, it's not. But it is something, and I believe that's better than nothing," she says, and I realise how different we are about this. Then again what she wants from all these strangers is what I want from Harry. Attention. Confirmation. We both want to feel wanted. Perhaps we aren't so different after all, we just look at it differently. She thinks what I'm doing is wrong, and I don't agree with what she's doing either. But at least she hadn't settled for anyone. Part of me believes I've chosen to settle for Harry thinking I can't do any better. And that's honestly sad, but I just don't want to be alone. That's exactly how Bonnie feels too.