(Trigger Warning)
It's been a little more than 2 months since I've moved in with Hanji and things have been going well. Countless dinners together with Erwin and Levi keep us all up to speed on what goes on in our lives.
Yet even though we are all so close, I still feel uncomfortable talking to them about the dark things in my head. Levi is sort of an exception, for some reason he has good advice for my situation and it makes me even more curious about his background. Levi respected my wishes that he did not inform Erwin or Hanji of the scars he found or the knife. Of course, Armin is the one I confide in the most but even he doesn't know about my recent.... activities.
Sitting in my room, the loneliness takes over. I don't understand how I can have so many people in my life and yet still feel so alone. Other than Armin, my father was all I had after mom died, growing up was hard without a mother figure, instead I had God. Looking back now makes me mentally laugh at myself. I was brainwashed. God's plans, responsibilities, and faith were all I knew. It seemed all good and well, yet there was underlying anger and hatred that I learned. Right from wrong was relative in this situation and I was blinded by my father's light to see the truth. But now that I've escaped I can see clearly, I finally accepted who I was.
But who I am, my father despises. Why does he have so much hate? And why for me? Just because I don't like girls? I mean I can't give him grandchildren but I doubt he's even thought of that. He was probably too busy praying to God to help me get back on the "right track."
"Shit!" I hissed in a whisper. I was so lost in thought and hadn't realized how hard I was pressing the sharp knife into my thighs. Blood began to flow faster out of the wound...too much. I pressed a tissue on it, cleaned them of the red liquid, and threw the stained tissue in my trash can. I feel terrible for breaking my agreement with Levi, for not telling Armin, for falling so low. Ashamed, I place the metal knife back in its box.
My bed was tucked in the corner of the small room and I squeezed myself into it as close as possible. The long side of the bed ran along the wall where I hid the small box between the wall and mattress. I pull my legs to my chest and bury my head in them. As the first tears begin to fall, a nearly silent knock came from my door.
I lift my head and quickly wipe my face in an attempt to clear any sign of my distress. I clear my throat in vain for I still called out in a raspy voice, "C-come in." The door slowly opens revealing raven black hair and metallic blue eyes.
"Hey..." He muttered.
"Hi, um w-what's up?" I ask.
Levi shuts the door quietly behind him and walks over to my bed. He motions, asking if he could sit so I nod and press myself further into the corner. At first, he just sits on the side looking at the floor. After a short awkward silence, he shifts to lean against the wall with one leg extended and the other bent with his fingers laced together around it. He stayed silent for a while again and I peered at him through my peripherals. He fiddled with his engagement ring and looked like he wanted to talk about something important.
"How are you feeling?" He finally asked with a low and quiet voice.
I instantly know what he means and think of the countless cuts on my thighs and then I realize something... I'm sitting here in my spandex shorts.... three feet from him. My face immediately heats up so I look at the floor.
"Um yeah, I-I'm good." I calmly say.
"You sure?" He asks with worry.
"Yeah... My wrists are still clear." I say. Feeling his stare on me I cautiously look over.
His eyebrows raised, questioning my answer. I become anxious and subconsciously hold my legs tighter to my body. "And your thighs?" He asks suspiciously.
My breath hitches, "W-what? N-no I d-don't do-"
"Because the way you're clinging to your legs like you're never going to see them again, says otherwise." He spits, cutting me off.
"No! I-I swear!" I plead.
Levi cocks his head to the side and his skeptical eyes narrow, "Really? Then you'd be totally comfortable with showing me."
A gasp forces itself down my throat, he has nothing to trigger the wary thought and he's not gonna let me out of this one. He'll be so mad, I broke my promise. Tears begin to form and a lump rises in my throat restricting me from speaking. The more I think, the more the stinging pain on my legs increases, the sense of blood slowly seeping through the cuts become stronger and I give in. I let my legs go and straighten them on the bed.
Levi watches with care as I slowly roll up my shorts. Right before the first of the cuts appear I whimper, "I'm sorry..."
Line by line, cut by cut, Levi's face becomes more and more desolate. When both sides are exposed, the tears I was barely holding back, overflowed. I can say that this shame digs deeper than any knife ever could.
"I know I promised I'd come to you but..." I pause as an epiphany occurs, "...I have no excuse." My voice trails off and I quickly get off the bed. "I know you're mad and you have every reas-"
My wrist gets grabbed again and I'm turned to face Levi who also jumped off the bed, "I'm not mad." He clarifies, "I'm just...... worried." He whispers as he holds my wrist. Both our eyes gaze down at my legs and notice a small trail of blood beginning to run down from the cut that went a little too deep. "Jesus Christ come on." Levi hisses as he pulls me behind him out of my bedroom and into the tiny bathroom across the hall. He closes the door and points at the counter, "Sit."
I obey and sit on the sink counter, my feet dangling off the side. Levi opens a few drawers and found a white washcloth. He wets it in the sink and wedges himself between my legs. He was so close I felt his breath on me and my heart races. With a sigh, he pushes up my shorts a little more to get access to the wounds. He then presses the cloth onto them, gently dabbing and washing the blood away. I wince at the stinging sensation of the red, sensitive skin being touched. He moves to the other leg and wipes up the trail of blood going down my thigh. "Dammit, this one is deep you idiot." He mutters and presses the cloth on the deep gash.
I hiss at the pain and tense up, I reflexively grab his wrist. He looked up and our eyes met. Our faces were mere inches apart making butterflies dance in my stomach. My face heats up and I let go of his wrist to let him finish his work.
"I'm sorry..." I mumble, watching his hands, and look the tattoo that wrapped around his right arm. It's not like I haven't seen it before, but I use it as a distraction, anything to avoid eye contact. However, as I do this, I was able to get a closer look at the details. A silver sword ran down his forearm. where a small swallow sat on the hilt. A series of green vines knotted and twisted around his arm with scattered bright red roses, that stood out on his pale skin. I could only describe it as.... stunning.
My mind was going a million miles too quick to even find a starting point of a coversation. "I do-...I don't really know what to say... o-other than I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to be dealing with me... w-with this. All I do is cause trouble for everyone... *sniffle*... and b-burden yo-"
Suddenly Levi inhales sharply through his nose, interrupting me. His hand clenches in a small fist but he relaxes it not a second after, resting it flat on the counter next to my sore thigh. He seems to ponder over some words, supressing his urge to raise his voice at me. "If you keep rambling on with that bullshit... I will start to get mad."
My stomach drops a little, "How did you know?"
He looks down, returning to care for my mistakes. "I'm not dumb. The minute I found the knife I knew you had it for a reason. Whether or not you were gonna come clean and tell me was up to you... and you didn't. I realized there's still a part of you that doesn't trust me enough."
This time my heart sinks. That isn't it at all.
"But I couldn't accept that, because your safety is more important so... I came to find out myself," Levi explains as he starts to disenfect the area. My brain couldn't chose what to focus on, the pain on my legs, in my heart, or in Levi's voice.
"I was ashamed... thought that you had bigger things to worry about than me," I mumbled.
"Eren," he says my name, catching me off guard. "You're mental health isn't an inconvenience. Talk to me." This shook me to my core and I look up to meet his usually cold eyes looking at me with softness and sincerity.
I take a deep breath and begin, "My whole life...i-it was. I couldn't bring anything up to my father if it wasn't God or school related. I listened to him preach about 'God's plan.' He drilled it into my mind. I had a set plan in motion and anything everything was a distraction to him. I have an obligation to obey him, to obey God. I don't even fucking believe in God!" My voice raises by accident, "....sorry."
Levi just shrugs, "It's ok, go on."
A small lump forms in my throat as I continue. "I was brainwashed.... sadness was weak. Depression was the devil. I started hurting myself because of my..... impure thoughts. I knew something was wrong when a girl kissed me at one of Jean's parties. I felt....nothing. Until some drunk guy fell on my lap... I ran home but I couldn't get rid of those thoughts. It... it got so bad I-I almost killed myself." Levi stopped and rung out the washcloth. My eyes followed as I noticed red water fall from the stained fabric.
Levi's eyebrows turned sad as he went back to his work, "And what kept you?"
My eyebrows raised, "Um... Armin called me and I knew he would get worried if I didn't answer immediately.... that night Armin helped me accept I was gay." Tears began to form as my voice becomes raspy, "And I thought maybe if it was his own son, my dad would be more open to accepting me despite his beliefs...obviously I was wrong." My voice breaks as I admit, "I mean of all people, why did I have to be gay? The one thing my dad hates the most... people who go against God's will. It would be so much easier if I listen to my dad and just...stop being gay."
"You know it doesn't work like that," Levi mumbled as he rang out the washcloth again.
"I know I'm just rambling again. I just wish sometimes I wasn't a disgrace to him." I say as tears fall down my face yet again.
"Listen, kid, your dad's acceptance isn't as important as you being alive. Like I said if he wants to lose you just because you don't like girls, that's his problem. You need to be who you are. Look at all the people who care about you for you. Your friends at school, Armin, Hanji, even Erwin.... and me. Do you think if I didn't care I would be sitting here cleaning blood off of your legs?"
My breath hitches, "S-so you're really not mad?" I ask as he finishes wiping up all the blood.
I see him swallow thickly, "Not at you. I'm mad at myself for not realizing sooner how much pain you were in. I assumed that since you were away from your father, you were safe from him. I should have been the first one to know that wasn't the case. I was wrong and I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault. I should have talked to you." I whisper. Guilt rises as he throws the washcloth, now tinted red, into the laundry basket.
Levi extends both his arms, placing his hands on either side of me on the countertop, coming close once more. "Promise me you'll come to me from now on? No matter what I'm doing, you are not a burden. Understand me?"
I fidget with my hands as I stay sitting on the sink, trapped between the wall and Levi. I bow my head in shame and nod. I unconsciously began to chew on my bottom lip, picking at the skin, but before my own brain was able to stop the slight anxious tick...
"Stop that." Suddenly Levi's hand rose to my chin and using his thumb, he gently tugged my bottom lip from between my teeth. Somehow the small bathroom seemed even more confined when my brain was able to catch up to what happened. For a few silent seconds, his thumb lingered as I stared wide eyed. I was sure he could feel my face heat up on his cold fingers. His eyes were fixated at his hand as if he were just as confused as I was as to why it was still there, or even in the first place. Suddenly, but not seeming so for it felt like years have passed, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes connect to mine as he quickly retreated his hand.
Finally, he takes a step back and crosses his arms. As Levi opened his mouth to speak again, a quiet knock came from the door. "What's going on in there?" I recognized Hanji's muffled voice call from the other side of the closed door.
Levi flew the door open and pulled Hanji in by her shirt collar. "Therapy session shitty glasses What do you think we're doing?" He spat.
"I don't know, one moment you were in Eren's room and the next I heard you guys talking in here!" Hanji said as she walked further in, crowding the small bathroom. I quickly roll down my shorts, hiding my thighs. I still haven't recovered from what just happened.
Okay there are seriously way too many people in this bathroom right now!
Suddenly, "Eren here has to show you something." I give Levi a terrified look, "Show her, she deserves to know."
We stare at each other as Hanji remains confused. Finally, I roll my shorts up again and I watch as yet another friend's face twists with despair. She stands slowly and pulls me into the calmest and loving hug she's given me. "Don't you dare even think about doing something this stupid again!" She says while holding me tightly. I never thought hugs were that significant until now as I felt almost the world being lifted off my shoulders.
I wrap my arms around her thin torso, finishing the embrace, and whisper, "O-okay." I look up and meet Levi's gaze and something clicks in my head, Levi was right. Of course, I still want my dad's acceptance but I already have people who love me for the real me and that's all I need.
- - - - End of June - - - -
I stood in my room admiring my forest green cap and gown. It fit perfectly and as I adjusted the matching cap on my head, pride rose inside me. I pushed back a small piece of hair that reused to behave, from my eye. Today I graduated from high school, time to move on to the next chapter of life. I'll soon be going to college, new people, new faces, but the same old shit of dealing with teachers and just more homework. I'm still excited though. However I'll be saying goodbye to some friends, Mikasa is going across the country to college and Jean will be going into the army. I'll definitely miss them both but luckily everyone else will be somewhat still around.
"Eren! Hurry up, we're gonna be late!" Hanji called from the living room, cutting my thoughts short.
"Coming!" I yelled and grabbed my bag before running out of the room.
At the ceremony, everyone sat eager to get that piece of paper we worked way too hard for. Even though we sat in alphabetical order, there were only about 150 kids in the graduating class so Jean and I were right next to each other.
"So Jeager, I wanted to say sorry for tormenting you all these years." Jean suddenly said.
I looked over in shock, "Tormenting? I don't know what you mean?"
He sighed before continuing, "For all of those gay jokes. If I ever made you really upset or anything, I'm sorry..." He confessed.
"Jean... you didn't know so I never got offended or anything, but thanks," I say. This isn't like him to be all sentimental, especially with me but I take his apology to heart.
We cheer loudly as each of our friends accepted their diplomas until, "Eren Jeager." The booming sound of Mr. Braun's voice called as I finally came forward. Mrs. Leonhart held out the diploma with a smile. I hugged her tightly and thanked her for caring. The past few months she would call me down to talk and I did eventually open up to her about some things. I didn't name names but I explained how I had a stable place to stay. She respected my introverted self and that's what made me so comfortable around her.
We pulled away from our embrace and I see tears form in her eyes, "Keep fighting Eren, I'm so proud of you, good luck." She said smiling. I nod my head and thank her again. I shake hands with the rest of the administration and turn to walk across the stage.
Don't trip! Don't trip! Don't trip!
Suddenly I hear an eruption of noise from the side of the stadium. I look over to see the group of idiots cheering their heads off. Hanji was whoo-ing, Erwin clapped his large hands, and Levi held his fingers in his mouth, whistling loudly. I laugh as I took my seat, it meant a lot to me that they showed up to my graduation, especially because I knew he wouldn't care to show. I look over at them again and began to scan the audience for Armin's grandpa.
They've been more supportive than my own............DAD?!?!
My mouth drops as my eyes land on him walking up the aisle steps to the exit. Did he come just to see me get my diploma? Does that mean he really is proud of me?