A/N: Wow I am such a cold heartless bitch, poor Preston. I'm totally fucking with him when he should just be fucking with Lonnie. Hm, I should be worried about my mom seeing this, but she's probably used to my antics. Hi mommy c:
Anywhore, I'm making a spin-off with Jesse and Mason about how they met yada yada. I think I'm calling it Saving Jesse. I'll probably post it after I finish I Am ME in a few months, unless a lot of people want me to post it sooner.
Also, this chapter may contain graphic details of a non sexual nature ;3;...
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The ride home was cold and quiet. It was funny how I started calling it home already.
Jesse seemed as though he was alternating between fury and utmost shock. Mason just looked concerned for Jesse, which just made me laugh bitterly to myself. Jesse was only going to get hurt in the end. Mason too. So it was stupid of them to cling to each other when they would only cause themselves anguish.
I stared blankly out the window, not really seeing what was behind it. My thoughts were bleak and miserable, spiraling slowly downward. I was trying my best to keep still, worried something would shatter the perfect numbness I had created. It was better than the agony that threatened to rip me to shreds. At least, I hoped so.
Lonnie was throwing nervous glances my way when he thought I wasn’t looking. If I wasn’t so numb, I would be annoyed. He had no right to be concerned for me.
The rest of the ride was spent in dismal silence, and when we arrived at the apartment the atmosphere hadn’t changed. Jesse was fuming as he grabbed Mason’s hand, pulling him into their room, obviously wanting to rant. That left Lonnie and I alone.
Lonnie rounded on me, a pleading look on his sweet face as he opened his mouth to speak. I raised my hand to stop him, my expression cold.
“Don’t say anything,” my voice coming out more frigid than I expected, “I don’t want to hear it.”
He looked crushed, his expression crumpling. I turned on my heel, ignoring the twinge in my chest. I strode quickly into Lonnie’s room with my things, setting them in the corner. I would put them away later; I didn’t want to risk feeling anything again.
I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from today’s activities, so I crawled up to the top bunk and curled into a ball, hoping to escape my thoughts that were threatening to envelope me.
I blinked my eyes slowly, suddenly overcome by sleep.
Well, at least now I could escape.
Finally.
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I opened my eyes slowly, blinking to clear the sleep from my eyes. It was dark in the room, but Lonnie wasn’t here yet. I glanced at my phone, seeing it was nearly 1 am.
I climbed slowly down from the bed, wanting to see where everyone was. The voices were easily heard from the walls, but I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying.
I padded softly to the door, quietly opening it and peeking out.
Lonnie was speaking heatedly to Jesse and Mason. I strained my ears to make out what he was saying.
“He isn’t in a good place,” Lonnie argued, “I'm worried about him. Really worried.”
He sounded genuinely upset, and I discounted the warm feeling spreading through my chest.
“He’s going to be fine Lo,” Jesse said, “Trust me, I know my brother. Don’t worry about it.”
Even as he said this, I could hear the underlying tone of concern in his voice. At least some people could show some hint of care for me, I thought bitterly.
“Lo, I know you’re concerned about Preston. But he’ll be okay. It isn’t a big deal. He just got upset and he needs to deal with it himself. Us interfering isn’t going to help him. Hell, it might just hurt him more,” Mason explained impatiently.
“No!” Lonnie exploded angrily, “He’s shutting down. Whatever fucking happened is breaking him Mase, and I can’t just sit back and watch him die! I know what he’s going through, and you of all people should understand that.”
“Lo,” Mason said miserably, “I'm sorry, I forgot.”
“Whatever,” Lonnie muttered heatedly, “I don’t give a shit.”
Lonnie pushed past them and started towards our room. I heard Jesse murmuring comfortingly to Mason, and I backed into my room, climbing up to my bed just as Lonnie came in.
He paused in the doorway, the light from the living room giving him some sort of ethereal glow. He was already in his pajamas, unlike me, so he didn’t need to change. He just stood there, and I had the strangest feeling he was looking at me.
He started forward and I shut my eyes quickly, before he could see that I was awake. I heard the bed creak and felt it dip as Lonnie climbed up with me for some reason.
I felt his hand softly stroking my hair, and I found myself melting into the touch.
“Preston,” he murmured softly, “I know it hurts. And I’m sorry. I know how it feels to have your parents upset you that badly. I know more than you could ever imagine. But if you think, for even a second that you are alone, you are wrong. I'm here for you, and so are Jesse and Mason. So please…stay strong. Because we care about you, so much,” he choked as he spoke those last few words, “and it would destroy me so completely if something happened to you.”
I bit my lip, trying hard not to sob as that would give me away. He didn’t know I was awake, and I wasn’t going to do something as stupid as cry.
I felt his warm breath on my cheek, almost shivering at the feeling. And that was when I felt his soft lips brush my cheek, lighter than a butterfly’s wing. My face immediately flooded with color and I fought to stay numb.
The bed dipped and creaked again as he dropped from the bed, slipping into his own.
Suffice to say I was in shock. Between the conversation in the living room and Lonnie’s speech, my mind was reeling. I didn’t know what to think, and it hurt.
On one hand, I wished they would all just leave me alone. I didn’t want them to treat me like some charity case. There was nothing I hated more than pity, and I knew that was what they were going to do. Pity the poor kid whose parents hated him. Please.
On the other hand, I longed for a hug. I needed someone to hold me close, and tell me I wasn’t broken. At least, not completely shattered. I wish they would take my hand and promise me I was worth it, worth all the heartache.
I needed them. I really did. But I didn’t want to need them.
I just need a hug, I thought miserably.
I sighed deeply, glancing down to where Lonnie snored comfortably. I needed to change into my pajamas.
I climbed down carefully, slowly remembering my terror of heights.
I dug through my bag, getting impatient with my lack of findings. So I just dumped them on the ground, and cussed silently when I heard a snapping noise and the tinkling of metal on wood. My razor had broken and the blades were scattered along the floor. I didn’t really pay attention, as I was looking for my pajamas. I tugged on a pair of ratty sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt, before looking down again and drawing in a pained breath.
I had subconsciously brought a family picture with me.
My father smiled proudly, with his arm around my mother’s waist and they each had a hand on one of my shoulders. It was the week Jesse was at camp, so he wasn’t there. My mother beamed at the camera and it seemed to just stab me in the chest as their words echoed in my head.
“You are no longer part of this family. I do not know you. I do not love you and never will. Don’t bother coming back.”
I choked silently, gritting my teeth as the tears threatened to spill.
“This was her idiotic choice. Choosing sin over goodness.”
I couldn’t breathe, it was like my emotions had overflowed and were drowning me from the inside out. I needed to get rid of them; I needed to let it out. I looked around desperately, my eyes landing on the blades that glinted in the dim light.
I gulped. I knew it would work, it needed to. If it didn’t…I would be out of options. At least that’s how it felt.
I scooped up the blades and crawled up to the top bunk, curling into a ball under the blankets. I rolled up my left sleeve taking deep breaths to try and steady my shaking hand.
My mother’s words from that very first day bounced around in my head and pushed me over the edge.
“You look like some kind of cross-dresser! Now what would the people at church think?”
My breath came in as ragged gasps and I sliced the cool metal across my smooth skin, my eyes rolling back into my head at the sensation. I glanced down to see the blood gushing gently from the wound, rolling softly down to my elbow.
I smiled dreamily, loving the feeling of calm that came over me as I made more marks.
It had worked.
Five minutes later I finished, cleaning my arm and tugging my sleeve down as I stretched out sleepily, falling into the abyss that is sleep.