Chapter 24
It was morning. Birds chirped happily, ignorant to my internal worry while the early sun shined brightly into the living room just to spite my foul mood. I heard the front door open finally.
After waiting up all night, trying to figure out how to deal with all the information Holly gave me and the fact that she’d run off without another word, I was pissed.
She was still in her Wonder Woman outfit, but all I could see were her eyes. Even then it took a moment to really look at them. Initially was so caught up in my own anger I didn’t see it- the vulnerability in her posture as she wrapped her arms around herself, the timidity to her stance, one ankle behind the other, and the fear in the depths of her deep blue eyes as she awaited my response, my judgment.
When I noticed, my fury vanished, replaced with guilt and concern which I tried to make clear as I softened my face, eyebrows furrowing as I thought of what to say. I stood up, only a few feet between us, wondering how to handle the situation.
“You left,” was all that came to mind.
“I know you probably wanted me to stay gone… I’ll pack my stuff.” She started off for the slider leading out back. I grabbed her forearm to hold in her place.
“I didn’t want you to leave in the first place. And I definitely don’t want you to go for good,” I told her in a gentle tone, wondering how she could think I wouldn’t want her here. I was confused about a lot of things, but one thing was clear: I couldn’t stand the thought of her not being in my life.
She turned around slowly to look up at me. Her once soft, and neatly wavy hair had become messy and tangled and her skin was blotchy and red from crying.
I looked her directly in the eyes as I spoke to show her that I was being sincere. “Holls… Look, your past is… well, it’s your past. You were a great assistant to Jon; I mean the recommendation from Joan Whittaker alone would be enough for anyone to hire you. And since you started working with me, you’ve been a huge help. You’re great at your job and ultimately your personal life has no bearing on that.”
I waited for her answer. She tilted her head, sizing me up before nodding, slowly.
“There is one thing though,” I added.
“What’s that?” It came out so low I could barely hear.
“Just don’t ever run off again please. I was really worried about you and I wasn’t sure if you were coming back. I get you had your reasons for running away from that douche but please, don’t ever do that to me.”
“I promise,” she whispered. It was obvious she was exhausted and suddenly I was too.
“I’m gonna go to bed, let’s take the day off, eh?” I asked her.
She nodded back and went to leave.
“Holls?”
She turned around, “Yeah?”
I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her shoulders, talking into her hair, “He’s an a**hole for doing that to you… You deserve to be someone’s first and only choice, only an idiot would let you go.” I heard her whisper a ‘thank you’ and after a few more silent seconds of embracing her I finally let go and went to bed. Knowing she would still be working with me and in my life when I woke calmed me and made it easy to yield to my exhaustion.
When I woke, however, my mind began making up for lost time, heading into overdrive worrying about Holly. It was great that she promised not to disappear and that she would still be working alongside me every day, but I wasn’t sure it would be enough.
Seeing that jerkoff touch and kiss her made me crazy jealous, something I’d never been before. It forced me to see how much I already cared for her, how easy it would be to keep falling for her. Worse than my growing feelings for her was how she would react if I acted on them. Would she think I was coming onto her only for sex, simply because I knew she had slept with her last boss? Would she be offended, feel cheapened?
It had all become very clear as I sat on the couch awaiting her return, that she had deliberately avoided being friends with me in the beginning because of Jonathon. Once we were friends she still avoided physical contact unless I made it seem job related – which suddenly I felt terrible about. All in all, she acted indifferent to my looks and flirting; that was probably also due to her past.
She could be genuinely uninterested in me and not attracted, but that kiss had been so amazing that I didn’t want to believe she’d been acting. It was the kind of kiss you can’t ignore or forget, the kind that you compare every other kiss to, knowing none of them will come close, the kind that made you want to rip off their clothes and stay in bed for days.
She finally opened up to me, but all it had done was place an even larger wedge between us. It felt like if I made any move to tell her how I felt about her or act on my impulses, she’d reject me and go running for the hills. She probably needed a friend for the time being. I wasn’t sure I could maintain the distance for very long.
I groaned in irritation and glanced at the clock. 12:17 pm. Half the day was gone, but I could care less. I got dressed and looked to see if Holly was up and about.
When I didn’t find her I grabbed the keys to Lola and left. I needed to figure things out and someone to talk to would be a big help.
Twenty minutes later I pulled into the familiar parking lot and headed inside. Once I got to the floor I needed and off the elevator I was greeted by Tony’s secretary. She reminded me of his wife; I sometimes wondered if he got them mixed up, though his secretary never hit on me like Sammie did.
I walked right past her and opened his door without knocking. He looked up from the papers in his hand and smiled as if I hadn’t yelled at him and walked out on dinner the last time we saw each other. Typical Tony.
“James, hey, what brings you all the way down here?” he asked in his upbeat tone.
“A couple things, actually. Look, I’m sorry for blowing up on you and leaving dinner. It’s just that Holly is my friend and she works hard for me every day… and I’ve always made my own decisions…”
“No worries! Its water under the bridge, I understand. You’re career choices are yours alone, no prob!” I wasn’t surprised be was acting like nothing happened. I was the one offended and even though we were friends Tony always wanted his clients happy so they wouldn’t fire him. Ultimately, he was thinking of himself.
“Thanks for understanding… The other reason I’m here, coincidentally, has to do with Holly. I’m coming to you as a friend; I need some advice but everything I say needs to stay between us...”
“Of course, tell me what’s going on,” he answered immediately, leaning back in his chair in the dim light. It was a bit dark for me, but sunlight was unbefitting for my mood so I let it be and sat on the couch.
I told him all about what was going on with Holly from start to finish, hoping he would know what to do. Even if he didn’t, I figured saying it all out loud might help me work through it. I shouldn’t have been surprised at his words of ‘wisdom’ but I was.
He stretched his arms as I awaited his instruction, placing them behind his head. “First of all, since when are you such a p**sy?” was the first thing to come out of his mouth. I sighed, prepared to leave.
“No, I’m serious. How many films have you been in?” Before I could answer he continued. “And didn’t you receive great commendation for all of them?” I opened my mouth again to reply, but he cut me off; apparently his questions were rhetorical. “And didn’t you just win several Emmy’s? I mean seriously James, you could have any woman you want. I have no idea where this newfound insecurity came from, but it needs to go. You’re rich, famous, successful, and women want to f**k you just for those reasons… without dinner and a movie, or talking, in a f**king dirty alley if that’s what you want.” He stopped, breathing deeply as if irritated.
“I know after the initial interview I told you not to f**k her, but I take it back. I think you have to in order to regain some sort of manhood. Once you do that she’ll be out of your head and you can move on from there. The only reason you think you feel something is because she’s made herself a challenge and that's new and different. Trust me, hit that and you’ll have no worries.”
He seemed finished with his tirade because a look came over him that just screamed how pleased he was with himself. It was as if he hadn’t heard anything I said. To my dismay, he wasn't quite done.
“And if she quits, we’ll just replace her; assistants are a dime a dozen,” he waved his hand casually.
“Shitty ones are maybe, but there’s no replacement for Holly.” He was starting to piss me off, but I didn’t want to fight with him again so i reigned in my temper. “You’re completely missing the point. She’s in a vulnerable spot; I can’t just make a move on her because that would be insulting and she’d never forgive me.”
He laughed, looking at me like you would an ignorant child, “I really don’t see the appeal personally, but if you want her that bad, have her. I guarantee she won’t say no… to you or any other actor for that matter.”
There was a knock at the door and Tony yelled for them to come in. I stared him, dumbfounded. I knew he was dense when it came to women, but everything he said had been so off the mark. I excused myself so he could talk with the burly man that entered his office.
When I pulled my motorcycle out of the parking lot and on the road I thought long and hard about everything Tony said. He was wrong about her; she was a good person who didn’t care about fame or wealth. If that were the case she wouldn’t have kept her distance from me. She was simply protecting herself from more heart break.
As for me, I’d never felt for any woman the way I felt for Holly. It couldn’t just be because she was a challenge; if that were the case I wouldn’t be so worried about her feelings and her needs.
It amazed me how Tony could judge her so harshly and yet view his cheating wife in such a good light. The person he described when he spoke of Holly had in actuality been an entirely accurate portrait of Sammie, a fact I would have found hilarious if I wasn’t so preoccupied.
Oddly enough, talking to Tony had really helped. It confirmed that I was correct in my thinking and I came to the conclusion that what Holly really needed was a friend. I was gonna have to put my feelings aside and be there for her. I hoped that eventually she would see me differently and I could tell her how I felt. My hopes on that front weren’t very high, but I pushed those worries away as I thought about how I could cheer her up.
The obvious came to mind so I headed back home to get the car. I couldn’t pick up coffee on my motorcycle. It was a small gesture… the first of many, but I knew I had to start somewhere.