"You got hell to pay but you already sold your soul
It's blasphemy
But the words don't make sense no more
What would your mother say, your faith that you ignored
So don't try to tell me that you still believe
No don't preach to me" -Bring Me The Horizon, "Blasphemy"
After all that crap that happened to me, the ones who caused all of it started apologizing more and more. I don't need them to preach their shitty apology to me.
Then I started making better acquaintances. Like Ariana, Beth, and a long while later, Sean. They're cool and everything, it's just sometimes I feel like most of my depression started happening at lunch with them because they started becoming better friends and I'm over here waiting for my acquaintances to speak to me.
I think that's all in my head because once again my head is a dangerous place. Towards the end of the school year I kind of distanced myself from them. It's not that I wanted to it's just my brain forced me to feel sad and not to talk to them at all.
I would sit with them at lunch and take in every word they said and when they said something funny everybody else laughed, but my brain told me not to. Happiness seemed impossible.
It seemed like each day I got farther away from them. As they got closer, I got more distanced. It's not like I did it on purpose. They still stood by me and talked to me. I feel like Ariana and Sean understood what was happening to me and tried to bring me closer, but I couldn't get closer to them.
After all, the two of them read most of my random thoughts. Ariana was there during some of my emotional problems and breakdowns, but they were all coming from my head to the computer screen right in front of her face. Sean had only read some of my thoughts, but I think he understood me right away.
I don't need people to bring me into conversations, but people to understand me. It meant a lot that Ariana and Sean were trying m re and more each day to understand me. I had those days where I couldn't even write a random thought because I was never inside my head and then I had those days where I couldn't stop writing them.
Soon enough I found that music really helped me in a way, but sometimes it makes everything worse. When it gets worse that's when I need someone to talk to. When Ariana and Courtney aren't answering their phones or their messages, I turn to Sean. He usually answers right away and if I tell him that I'm kind of freaking out he doesn't ask why he just changed the topic of conversation and distracts me from the bad things. He is really helpful.
Alright I think that's enough for me. I can't stand thinking that far back in my life. I can't wait for you to read the next chapter of my shitty life.