Procrastinating. One of my many professions.
I've been sitting here thinking. Downing my third cup of coffee and coming up with excuses from trying to face my problems. Probably not a good thing, but it's been working for the past hour and a half.
At first, I planned to find Paul and start apologizing to him, but I soon realized that I didn't know exactly how I was going to do, I ended up pulling into this diner and hadn't left. It just seemed easier to avoid anything and everything at the moment. And for once, it almost felt as if the supernatural life didn't exist beyond here. It felt healthy and relaxing at some point.
I could go without the child screaming in the booth across the restaurant, but I was okay with it for now.
It helped me to chase the thoughts away. But I pitied the mother while she struggled to get the child to eat. The husband was too busy on his phone while the mother only glared at him. I'd be upset also if I were in her shoes.
Then it brought me back to Paul. I ignored him more often than I should have, and I bet he was just as frustrated as that lady was. I could see it was unfair, but I couldn't think of a way to fix it. I'm damaged.
Lately picking up the pieces I had lost was a more significant task than before.
I couldn't just fall in love with Paul the way he expected me to. It didn't help much that the others were flaunting their happiness either. I felt like a defect — a constant reminder of the guilt I carried because I broke something that was supposed to be sacred.
I was the mistake given to Paul.
Was there a part of him that was still upset with me?
Could we ever be happy with the past continually reminding me of my selfish acts?
I just wanted everything to get better without facing any consequences. I wanted Paul to be happy. I needed to be strong enough to give that to him, but I always doubted myself that I couldn't do it because of the one person who made it impossible -Tyler.
As much as I forced myself to forget him, I couldn't. The pain he caused me was a reminder that I was human. I've grown accustomed to the brutalities. Disgustingly, I found comfort in being treated less than my worth. Because of it, I couldn't let anyone love me before hurting me. The pain was just easier to deal with. Compassion was more comfortable to push away.
Now was that all Tyler wanted? It was never like him to put me in that position. It was always him that only mattered. Now that I could feel loved in some way, I wanted to run -I needed to getaway.
But, I wanted to be loved.
It's what scared me the most.
It meant that I would have to let my guard down and trust my heart was healthy enough to go through it, I just wasn't sure how to open those doors and break down those walls.
The sad thing about it all was that I dreamed of one day finding that special someone, that one guy that would treat me like I meant something in him. I used to think that's what Tyler felt, and his flaws were ours. But now that Paul has stepped in and shown be beyond that, I'm afraid that one day he'll go back to the man I knew before -the same man I was worried Tyler would turn back to too.
I guess the big question was, how long would it all last before everything came crashing down? There was only really one way to find out; I just wasn't sure if I could take that leap.
For now, I needed to apologize to Paul -I owed him that at least.
Taking the last drink of my coffee, I left a tip and headed out to Bonnie's car that I borrowed for just this task.
As I sat behind the wheel, I didn't know where to begin my search. Assuming someone from the pack might know. I figured I would drive to Sam's and go from there.
The drive there was quicker than I expected, maybe I was just eager to see Paul more than anything. But as I pulled up the driveway to the small cabin, I come to realize that no one was home other than Emily.
She seemed a bit concerned and distraught as she watched me get closer to the house, approaching me at a quick pace.
"Is everything okay?" I asked.
"I don't think so." She replied, "Tiffany called and said that Bonnie was at the Cullen's looking for you. They've been searching for you all morning."
"W-why?" I asked in a panic. "Is something wrong?"
"She didn't say much, just that you need to hurry over there."
Without saying goodbye, I shifted the gear into drive and sped off towards Forks. From there I would have to go the Cullen's where Elena and the rest were. I didn't know what I was to expect. I was a bit worried that Bonnie broke the news about Jacob, hoping that nothing went out of control because of it.
Twenty minutes later, I was pulling into the Cullen's driveway -racing around the corners and skidding through the soft dirt as I got closer to the manor. No one was in sight until I could see Alice coming down the steps in a hurry. Her expression worried me even more as I came closer and to a halt in front of her. Before I could open my door, she already had as she began asking about my whereabouts.
"Where have you been?" She asked as she pulled me out of the car and dragged me with her up the steps.
"The diner?" I followed, unsure, "what's going on? Why didn't anyone call me?"
"Bonnie tried, and so did I, but it went straight to voicemail." She mentioned. "Things have gotten worse with your friend Tyler."
"Tyler?" I stopped her with a confused expression. "What happened?"
"Him and Paul..." that was all she said before pulling me with her as I followed her to the back door. "They crossed paths again."
"Shit!" I cursed as I noticed Stefan and Damon holding Tyler against a tree, Bonnie attempting to calm him while he thrashed to be released.
"I said, calm down, Tyler!" Bonnie demanded, "don't make me cause more pain."
"That's not helping Bon!" I raced towards them, Tyler soon recognized me.
His pupils dilated; all I could see was the darkness that usually remained hidden. I knew he was close to phasing, but it didn't make sense since it wasn't the full moon. Both vampires struggled to hold him still as he continued to shake in a fury. Something was definitely out of place. Something went down as I realized our surroundings. It almost looked as if a battle took place in the backyard.
"I was able to get him to change back, but he's been struggling to change back into his wolf form," Bonnie explained.
"But how? It's not even a full moon." I wondered as I moved closer cautiously.
She shrugged, "he just went ballistic the moment Paul challenged him."
"Fuck!" I muttered to myself before grabbing onto Tyler.
"Tyler!" I shouted for him to look at me.
"Tyler, look at me." He shook his head and gave me a shove.
"TYLER! CALM, DOWN!" I held onto him.
"Think of the night you came to me!" I pulled him closer, trying to think of how I did this before, "think of me, think of the safe places back home in Mystic Falls. Think of your mother. Remember the monster you can turn to be if you don't control this. You don't want to hurt anyone. I know you, Tyler. You care too much to hurt anyone."
Try as I might; nothing seemed to be working. Everything I said, everything I did was painful reminders of the challenges Tyler has faced in his life -I was there to witness his trials and tribulations. I couldn't seem to find a way to bring him back.
"TY!" I shouted. "You have to listen to me!"
"I'm going to kill him," Tyler growled before taking hold of Damon with one arm and twisting him under him and turning until he shoved the vampire against the tree, Stefan pushed right next to him.
While they both dropped to the ground, Caroline and Emmett went forward, only to be avoided and tossed aside. It was a side that none of us have ever witnessed, and it made me realize that Tyler's wolf was transitioning into something more, something like Paul. His anger was triggering the monster that he needed to learn to control.
I quickly held onto Bonnie's hand before we approached Tyler cautiously. His shirt was now torn off, and his joggers had a tear on one side.
Before Tyler could do anything else, Bonnie and I took hold of him and sent numbing waves through his body, working together to calm him and the wolf that was trying to escape. Though he still shaking in a fury, we still held on until it seemed we were weakening him, which was until he was able to break the connection and shove Bonnie to the side.
Before he could make a move on me, I ducked and swerved under him until I took hold of his other arm, pulling him towards me until our sights met. I could only think of one thing that might work, and the predicament I was in, I had to try everything -so I did.
Quickly, my hands were on his cheeks as I pulled him closer to me until my lips touched his. Rather than fight it as I hoped he wouldn't, his posture changed just as quick as his emotions. His hands were now on my waist as he pulled me in to deepen the kiss. But before he could, the spell was still put in place until he ran out of energy and fell to the forest floor.
I remained motionless. I was shocked by my actions.
"What the hell was that?" The blonde vampire Rose asked, "the kiss of death."
"A quick way to think." Bonnie replied as she dusted off her hands, "but are you sure that was the right thing to do?"
I stood still, a bit unsettled, and feeling the guilt of my actions. I knew once Tyler woke up, he's going to want some answers. Answers I couldn't give him.
"I had no choice," I replied, catching my breath. "I didn't know what else to do."
"What about Paul?" She asked.
"Where is Paul anyway?" I asked, worried, "I have to see him."
"Sam, Jacob, and the others had to take him away before he caused more damage," Bonnie replied.
"I have to go and see him!" I raced towards the patch of destroyed nature.
"But what about Tyler?"
I didn't reply; I just kept running in the direction I was sure that the Quileute pack went. Unsure of what I was in for, I hadn't felt more of the urge to find Paul and to see if he was okay. I wasn't sure if I could help, just that I needed to see him and explain myself before the shit hit the fan. But the thing was, I might have made things a lot worse.
I kissed Tyler.
How was I going to explain this to Paul without him jumping to conclusions? He was already upset with me, so how was I going to make things better when they seemed to have gotten so much worse? Would he trust me when I say that I didn't know how else to handle it, or would he turn me away for good?
The more I thought about it; it scared me. I've come to realize that everything that Paul was to me meant more than anything I had ever had. I didn't want to lose him. I wanted that chance to be his, him to be mine.
It was beginning to hurt my chest to realize that I just may have broken more hearts than I could mend. I felt dirty. It was if I cheated on Paul and I wanted nothing but his forgiveness. Would he give that to me if I begged it from him?
I've been running for more than fifteen minutes, running out of breath and hope. I wasn't sure if I was even close to getting to Paul, just that I wanted to know if he was okay -that he wasn't mad at me and I could hug him.
I needed to be close to him. But I just couldn't run anymore. I was out of breath. I was gasping for air as I struggled to continue and sluggishly walk until I found myself resting on the boulder close to me.
I could feel the pounding in my ears from my heartbeat. It was pulsing faster than I had expected, and I was sweating until it drenched through my t-shirt. I pulled it off and tied it to my belt loop. I used it to wipe the sweat off my shirt and my forehead until I finally caught my breath to continue.
The cool breeze felt good as I continued my way toward the reserve. I had hoped that I was at least getting close. But the deeper I had gone into the forest; I didn't recognize where I was. If it hadn't been for the ocean, I was sure that I'd be lost entirely.
Then I heard it.
The howls.
The barks.
The roars.
I stopped where I stood, listening for the direction the noises were coming from. Then I ran again -following what I could hear, going as fast as my feet could carry me.
Of course, that didn't last long until I began to run short of breath again. Thankfully, one of the wolves came to my aid.
Rather than question how Seth found me, I hopped on his back as he sped through the trees. Everything was a blur except what as in front of us.
With each howl, Seth's ears perked until he stopped to respond. He knelt back and let out a quick cry and continued until I noticed that a few of the wolves were running by our side. I wasn't sure who was who yet, but it didn't take long until we finally reached Sam's house once again. It was Embry that came racing out of the house this time in just his jean cut-offs.
"You need to follow me right away!" Embry ordered as he pulled me with him.
I knew right away where we're going — Paul's house.
We followed the trail until I came to the disaster in front of me. The house was still there, but a couple of windows had broke and all I could see the figures moving quickly inside. I was about to run into the house, but Embry pulled me back.
"I'm not sure that would be safe." He muttered before shouting, "He's here!"
Like a switch, everything went silent for a moment. I turned to Embry as he nodded and led me into the house. But before we could reach the steps. Sam shouted.
"STAY OUTSIDE!"
Then the thrashing continued.
I panicked while I watched something fly out the window. I could hear Jacob yell at Paul to calm down. Sam was doing the same; Paul was silent.
Something was wrong, and I needed to act now. I couldn't wait for Embry to give me the okay anymore, I had to do something, so I pulled my arm away and ran into the house without thinking twice.
Embry shouted.
I came to a shock to realize that Paul's house destroyed. The walls were busted, furniture had tossed aside, and things were all out of place.
What I saw next worried me the most.
Paul was in a rage. Sam and Jacob were fighting him to calm him, but he didn't calm down. Even Embry began to interfere whether Sam liked it or not. I'm guessing they saw it as a threat to the alpha. The more I watched, stunned; I was clueless to react until Paul seen me standing at the doorway.
"Brandon?" He shook his head.
His massive frame trembled, his eyes glued to me. The other's paused to see me standing in my spot, each unsure on how to react. I tried to steady my breathing so Paul wouldn't know that I was scared. I didn't want to fear him, but this was a reminder of what Paul was capable of, and how much pain I dealt with to get passed it.
"I-I..." he stuttered.
I didn't mean to step back; it was more of an impulse, but he saw it. I could see the hurt in his expression.
I needed to respond, so I took a step closer, cautiously as Jacob and the other's watched me intently. I put my hand up as if I was approaching an enraged monster, hoping Paul didn't take offense to it. The matter of it was that Paul had lost control, how else was I supposed to get closer to him without worrying about everyone's safety.
"It's okay," I muttered.
His gaze fell.
Following my instincts, I closed the barrier between us and pulled him into my embrace. He responded by wrapping his arms around me, crying into my shoulder, as he held onto me tight, apologizing for everything.
Though I couldn't understand why he was apologizing, I was the one who should be begging for forgiveness, but he was making it difficult for me.
"It's okay," I repeated as I continued to comfort him.
"I-I tried to... but I just... and..." he continued to mumble until he pauses for a moment. I could feel his mood change instantly once he took a whiff of me. "Why? Why do you reek of him?"
"I-I..." it was my turn to stutter.
"His scent is all over you," he seethed; his body shook in anger again.
"Just let me explain Paul," I begged.
"Well, then explain!" His voice rose, alerting Sam and Jacob.
"I had to calm him down," I argued. "Bonnie and I tried everything, and nothing seemed to work... I didn't know what to do... I didn't want to do it..."
"You wouldn't..." Paul glared at me, "you didn't, tell me you didn't?"
I couldn't look him in the eye. I was ashamed.
"You did!" He shouted once again.
"It didn't mean anything!" I shouted back.
"Didn't it, otherwise you wouldn't have done it in the first place!" He punched the wall, leaving a big hole. "Admit it, Brandon, you still care for him. I don't mean shit to you."
"That's not true," I argued. "You mean more to me than you expect. I've been trying to think of ways I can make it up to you but..."
"AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?" He yelled.
"It's not like that, Paul!" I cried out.
"WELL, WHAT IS IT? BECAUSE YOU SURE HAVE A SHITTY WAY OF SHOWING IT!" He began pacing.
"How the hell am I supposed to show you how I cared when you avoided me for the past two weeks?" I argued, "I admit that I screwed up, but I didn't know how to apologize when I couldn't seem to get a word in with you."
"DON'T GO MAKING THIS MY FAULT!"
"I'M NOT!" I shouted back, frustrated, and not realizing just how much I was until he walked out the door.
I followed, upset, and defeated.
I walked passed Jacob, Sam, and Embry, wondering if I should try to follow Paul.
"Where are you going?" I hollered. "You can't keep running from this!"
"I'm not," He turned around, his shoulders still moving to his breathing, "but until you figure this shit out with Tyler, stay away from me. I don't want anything to do with you if you're going to string me on."
"Nothing is going on between Tyler and me."
"Yeah," He smirked, "keep trying to tell yourself that."
He walked away.
He left me without anything else to say. I didn't know how to explain to him when he wouldn't let me. I thought that he couldn't push me away. I was his imprint; it didn't make sense. Right now, I was hoping I for once that I could use that against him and at least make him listen, but even then, I knew it wouldn't be right.
I felt so defeated and exhausted. For once, I had something I had always wanted, and now somehow, I managed to push it all away.
"He'll come around." Sam approached me, his hand grasping my shoulder for comfort.
"Will he?" I muttered, refusing to lose sight of the spot he disappeared.
"Eventually," Jacob added.
"I thought he couldn't deny his imprint?" I muttered, "I mean, I figured at least he would give me a chance. How is it that he's pushing me away so easily?" I turned to them, confused.
They all shrugged.
"Maybe I'm not." I began to wipe the tears that fell. "Maybe I was there to fill a void. I couldn't possibly be here to go through another heartbreak."
"Brandon." Jacob approached me, "if you feel it right here," he pointed at my chest above my heart, "it can only mean that he's suffering too. Paul has always been stubborn, and you're the only one I saw that has been able to deal with him."
"But is that how it's always going to be?" I turned away. "If this is what life promised us, I don't want anything to do with him."
"You can't mean that B?" Embry added.
"Why not?" I more of asked myself, "If I'm constantly apologizing for my mistakes and he's allowed to treat me this way, then I'm done. I'm not fighting for this fantasy again. It's way too much."
"But you both will suffer for it," Sam said.
"I'm already suffering," I replied honestly. "I'm not going to wait for a miracle. If Paul can't believe that Tyler means nothing to me any more than that's his loss, not mine."
"It won't end well," Jacob replied.
"I don't care." I huffed, "I just need it to end."
So I left.
I didn't want to make any interactions with anyone, especially the pack. It would come up eventually of how unfair I was being, but maybe I needed another distraction. I figured I'd find Bonnie and break the news about our plans. Once we get past this, then perhaps I could move on once again.
It was getting tiring ending up in the same predicament -following the same footsteps as before. It was like a cycle of pain I couldn't escape.
But would I be able to run? The more I thought about it, the more it hurt. I hated to admit that Sam and Jacob could be right. It wasn't fair that I couldn't forget any of this and run. The more I ran, the quicker my past kept catching up on me.
Maybe I needed to change the way I responded to things. I needed to be heartless. I needed to be careless. Perhaps it was about time I stop apologizing for the things I couldn't control and let things go as it is. If they wanted forgiveness, this time it would be mine they needed. It's not fair for me taking the blame to what I couldn't control.
This time I'll save me.
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