... is paved with good intentions.
Chapter Warnings: Depression, attempted suicide, swearing
***
Rurik slammed the door, stomping over to his bed and roughly grabbing a pillow, discarding the bag of chisps in his hand. His first punch ripped right through the fabric, doing nothing to quell his anger as he tore the pillow to pieces. He stormed over to the bookshelf, ripping things off the shelves and launching them around the room.
His hand eventually settled on a picture frame.
It contained a picture of himself and Lotus, out on their first date... the only date they ever went on. Seeing the reason behind his anger made the skeleton's emotions spill over, urging him to throw the object before he even registered the action.
He jolted at the resulting crash and shatter of glass, his anger drained away as regret instantly filled the void. He maneuvered around the debris, picking up the broken frame.
He and stared at the picture peeking from behind the jagged bits of glass.
Lotus looks so happy... when was the last time I saw him smile like that?
The date had started well enough, with the pair engaging in their typical conversation topics and banter. But everything changed when the waitress came back with the wrong order. His companion had waved it off, even going so far as to have one of the waiters take their picture in an attempt to lighten the mood, but Rurik wasn't able to let it go so easily.
That date was supposed to be perfect... and I was just so angry...
He'd gotten himself so worked up that he left just so he wouldn't take out his frustration on the restaurant... or Lotus. So focused on blowing off steam, it was hours before he even remembered his companion. By the time he made it back to the restaurant, the small skeleton was already gone.
Rurik stared at the mess of stuffing on his bed and the destroyed remnants of his bookshelf scattered across the floor, sliding down to lean back against the side of his bed as his skull tilted toward the ceiling.
Lotus is right. I really am a bastard.
He was moody. He refused to back down when challenged and was loathe to take the blame when he was called out for his actions.
He was selfish. The skeleton couldn't resist whenever a pretty face that presented itself, even when Lotus was clearly devoted to him.
He was callous. He knew Lotus constantly criticized himself and suffered from low self-esteem due to his shitty lot in life before meeting Rurik... yet the taller still threw insults and said things he didn't mean when his temper flared despite the damage it caused.
To make matters worse, he had been harassing Lotus' cousin prior to arriving home.
Dammit... He had every right to blow up at me. I should apologize for hitting him.
Pushing himself into a standing position and making his way out of his room, he checked the living room. Empty. The kitchen was too.
Guess he's crying in his bedroom again... shit. This makes things more awkward.
Backtracking to Lotus' bedroom door, he turned the handle, only to find it locked. His temper rose up against his will as he began to slam his fist into the door.
"Lotus, you piece of shit, open the door!"
How dare he lock me out! I even came to apolo-
"Just go away!" Rurik heard the small monster howl from behind the locked door, trailing off at the end, "I'm giving you what you want..."
What I want? What the hell does th-
His thought was interrupted by something thudding against the floor, shortly followed by a strange sound.
"Lotus?" The skeleton called, banging on the door again.
What the hell is that noise? It sounds like...gagging? Wait... no... no, not gagging, choking! He's choking! Shit!
Rurik broke out in a cold sweat as he renewed his efforts to bypass the locked door.
"Lotus! Dammit, Lotus!" he bellowed as he threw himself into the door, wincing as the wood held strong against his shoulder.
His panic rose as the noise inside the room ceased. Backing up, he rammed himself into the door, stifling a grunt as splintering wood bit into his shoulder. He continued the motion, repeatedly throwing his full weight into the dent.
You better not die on me, Lotus! I'll be damned if the last thing you hear is me calling you a piece of shit!
Another impact managed to create a hole in the wood big enough for him to reach his arm through. Ignoring the jagged splinters that scraped and dug into his bones, Rurik flipped the lock and threw the door open.
His soul dropped at the sight of Lotus... his Lotus, unconscious and dangling from the ceiling fan.
Snatching up the toppled chair, he scrambled to grab the limp skeleton, their body slumping against him as he lifted the pressure off of their neck. Pulling his knife out of the holster on his belt, he cut the rope loose.
The end draped over Lotus' back as he stepped down from the chair, moving toward the bed and placing the smaller down. Rurik carefully cut away the tight knot, tossing the broken loop to the floor and exposing an angry red ligature mark around the top his partner's neck. As he studied the injury, a new horror dawned on him.
Lotus wasn't breathing.
Shit shit shit! What do people usually do in situations like this?! I only know how to fight and kill!
"Dammit... think... something, anything...!" He growled to himself, slamming his hand down on the bed. He caught sight of Lotus' phone tumbling off the bed and onto the floor, the dimmed screen still open to an internet search page. Snatching it up, he frantically typed in 'not breathing'.
The first result gave a link to something called 'CPR'.
Following the steps, he covered Lotus' nasal passage and blew air into his mouth, pressed up and down against his rib cage, and repeating the process as the directions dictated.
"Come on! Breathe, Lotus! Breathe before I end up breaking your damn ribs!"
After three rounds Lotus took in a sharp breath, hacking and wheezing as his breathing slowly but steadily evened out and his expression grew slack once more. Re-reading the directions, it looked like Lotus would be fine from there... he would live.
Tossing the phone onto the desk, a new thought crossed his mind.
What.The.Hell! What was Lotus thinking?!
Rurik's hand raised subconsciously to strike the sleeping monster before him... but his rage vanished at the sight of the mark he made earlier, still bright red and visible on Lotus' left cheek, matching the bruising around his neck not hidden by his scarf.
Heaving a frustrated sigh, he turned and sat on the edge of the bed as he rubbed his temple. Turning away from the unconscious monster, he spotted a solitary piece of paper laying on Lotus' desk.
Leaning over to grab it, his soul grew cold at the contents: a suicide note.
The note, pockmarked with lavender tears, contained the small skeleton's anxieties and hopelessness, his feelings of inadequacy, and his absolute lack of self-worth and faith in himself. What hurt the most was Lotus' inability to blame Rurik, or anyone else. He considered this the inevitable outcome of being too weak for Underfell's standards.
He really thought he was making everything better by killing himself!
Rurik's own words from their fight earlier echoed back at him. His eye lights dimmed and his soul drummed in his chest.
Stars... if anyone's a piece of shit, it's me... I flat out told Lotus to do this! My stupid temper tantrum nearly got him killed! What the hell's wrong with me?!
Sniffling from behind the skeleton alerted him to Lotus' awakening. Crumpling the paper in his hand and tossing it away, he curbed his self-hatred to focus on his partner.
Rurik felt his soul clench as he took in the sorry state of the skeleton before him. Lotus had his arms draped across his sockets as he fought back weak, scratchy sobs and his bones rattled quietly from built-up stress and exhaustion of the ordeal.
Grimacing, Rurik took a seat on the bed once more, pulling the distressed monster into his arms and positioning himself against the headboard. Lotus squirmed and struggled in his grip, but his efforts had little effect since he lacked the strength to fight the taller skeleton off.
I did this to him...
"Lemme go," the smaller cried hoarsely, tears cascading down his cheeks and stuffing up his already straining voice, "I can't... can't st... stand this anymore! I... I can't even... k-kill myself properly! The one thing... you-"
"I know!" Rurik shouted, silencing the monster laying against his chest with a surprised hiccup. He belatedly realized he probably scared Lotus with the sudden volume as the silence drug on, his partner fighting back his tears. He cleared his throat, continuing at a lower volume, "I know what I said... and it was a shitty thing to do. You didn't deserve those words, and I was an asshole for even suggesting something I didn't mean. So... I'm sorry."
His grip tightened as Lotus stared up at him, eye light blown wide, "I'm a horrible monster. I can fully admit that. I cheat and lie and steal and kill... I can't control my temper most of the time and I have next to no impulse control. I'm the absolute worst... yet, for some reason, you still find reasons to stick around and love me."
Rurik propped his skull against the headboard, staring at the remnants of the noose dangling from the fan, "You being the only one giving in this relationship, that's... it's not right. I know that, and I've let it go on for far too long. Something needs to change if you feel like taking yourself out of the picture is the only solution to our problems.
"I need to change. I can't afford another fuckup like this. I... I can't promise I'll get better right away...I'm bound to make mistakes, but if you're willing to stay with me and give us one more shot, then I'm willing to try to be a better monster. I never want you to feel like this is an option ever again."
At this point, Lotus shifted to lay his unbruised right cheek on Rurik's chest, curling up in his lap as he took in the skeleton's words and the beats of his soul within his ribcage.
After some silent contemplation, the small monster responded quietly, "I... I'd like that... a lot... it feels like it's been forever since we expressed anything other than anger towards each other. Feeling love, instead of LOVE... that would be nice... really nice..."
With a sly grin, Rurik maneuvered himself around. Lotus squeaked as he was pressed into his bed, pinned securely under his partner's weight.
A hand rose to massage the smaller skeleton's undamaged cheek as he crooned, inches from their face, "Clearly, I've been neglecting my precious little flower for far too long... it's about time I do something about that. I need to thoroughly show you exactly what you mean to me."
Lotus' face flushed, his breath hitching as he seemed to take in the meaning behind Rurik's words. He smiled as the small skeleton relaxed under him, a gentle smile of their own forming.
The smile didn't quite reach the smaller's eye light, more tentative than anything, but the action was a show of good faith... that he was willing to put aside his fears and trust in his companion one more time. "Thank you...," Rurik whispered as he closed the gap for a kiss containing every ounce of love he could muster.
I may not be perfect... I probably never will be. Still... I want to try. For Lotus. For us. I know what I stand to lose if I mess up again, and I'm not willing to pay that price.
***
Fun fact: I actually googled 'not breathing' to see what would come up, and the first result was indeed a tutorial on CPR... that makes me happy~
Word Count: 1,986