Back in my first class, I was still in a daze. The teacher was handing out some worksheet and everyone was doing it quietly. I was just worried about the turn of events. I rubbed my bald hair in frustration. How do I handle a flirty Levi? I've dealt with all kinds of Levi but never had to deal with a flirty one. Worse, my own sanity seems to leave me when he gets too close to me. How could I tolerate the night with him? I wondered. And if I didn't return what would he think?
Why is this happening to me? Why? Just why?
I realized suddenly that I had screamed it out loud and was standing in my class.
"Ms. Elliot. Please refrain from creating teenage drama until after you finished your Maths test." The teacher said to me and I heard snickers from around me.
Huh? What do you mean Maths test? I wondered as I quietly sat down while the teacher looked at me with a scowl. My eyes goggled out when I saw I had written Levi's name, hearts and why all over my test paper.
"No." I said grabbing my hair and without thought I ended up shredding the Maths paper to bits.
I looked up to see my teacher giving me a shocked look.
"Ms. Arnett, can I have one more paper?" I asked warily and her eyes twitched.
"Out of my class. Right now Ms. Elliot." She snapped. I grimaced but then complied. This was all Levi's fault and that Richie's fault, I thought fumingly as I went out of the classroom. To my surprise, the devil appeared right before me and he smiled at me. I stood frozen as I stared at him and then shook my head.
"Nope. You are in my imagination." I told myself firmly. God! He is everywhere and he seemed to be closing in on me.
"Wait! Stop!" I said loudly and he stopped, giving me a curious look. He actually stopped and wasn't smiling.
"Thank god. I had enough of your smiley face." I muttered and Levi made a taken aback look.
"Sorry..for smiling." He said reluctantly.
"You actually apologized for once. My god! You ruined my test by appearing everywhere and now you apologize. Incognito! Like go! Disappear! You don't exist really..so don't just stand there." I told him and he looked at me as if I've grown two heads.
"Err..What?" He asked me, looking like he had no idea what I was speaking about and that just did it.
"Oh my god! I just can't figure it. It's driving me crazy. There's you..there's me and there's this little kid in my future now. You know..the dimpled..black haired girl? I can also see her. So the big question is..who..gets pregnant? Are you going to turn into a girl? But I can't imagine such a big girl. How are you going to get pregnant and breastfeed her and stuff when you don't have breasts?" I screamed, shaking the image of Levi before me.
Wait! I could shake him. He is..solid? I looked around me slowly as I saw everyone giving me weird looks. Very slowly, I turned my head towards Levi. My hands were on his chest now. For some reason I groped his chest and he caught my hands.
"You have..breasts..I mean..solid..." I couldn't complete the sentence as realization dawned on me. I wasn't talking to an imaginary Levi. I was talking to the real one who looked like I was an alien that just jumped out of a UFO. My face turned so red, I felt like steam was coming out of my ears.
"Oh my god!" I said with dread.
"Ellie!" Levi called me, grabbing me.
"I feel sick." I said immediately. He was the last person I wanted to see right then.
"Are you okay? I thought you were in class." Levi told me in surprise.
"I thought you were supposed to rest." I told him back, without looking at his face.
"I have a test." He said, just as the bell rang.
"And I failed that test because of you." I mumbled but Levi didn't hear it.
"What?" He asked me when the shrill sound of the bell finished.
"Please forget everything you heard." I said, grabbing his head and wanting to plunge my fingers into his head to take away the memory of what happened just now. If only that was possible!
Levi gave me a startled look and then a smirk appeared on his face slowly.
"It's a bit disturbing that you are wishing I would get pregnant..but it's okay I guess..It's a step in the right direction. I am sure you are very eager about a kid and it will happen because I am not going anywhere. So, don't worry about it. Let's focus on what needs to happen to get pregnant. It can happen, as soon as we are together..alone. You and me is all we need to make it happen. So, think a bit more on that Elliot." He whispered against my lips. My eyes widened like saucers as he leaned in and gently kissed my lips.
"Think more about me, Elliot." He told me with a smile before he left. I heard things crashing and falling. I turned to see Natalie, her friends and Daniella standing there with their mouth open and their books on the floor.
I wished I could disappear as they all looked at me accusingly.
"What the hell was that?" Natalie was the first one speak. She seemed outraged.
"Um..er.." I didn't know what to say.
"Levi kissed you?" Sarah said in a high pitched, shrill voice.
"What the hell? You've been kidding us saying you want to be a boy, while you've been fucking Levi all along." One other girl sniped. I looked around. Several people were staring. The girls seemed to be staring daggers at me.
I think my day is just going to go downhill from worse to hell.
"We need to talk." Daniella said as she grabbed my hand and pulled me along to the girl's bathroom. The others followed. I didn't resist.
"So..care to explain?" Natalie asked maliciously. I looked at all of them.
"Why are you all angry?" I asked uneasily.
"Duh..don't pretend to be clueless. You know we like Levi." Sarah said peevishly.
"How could you give us hope to get Levi when your eyes have been on him the whole time? You backstabbing bitch." Another girl said furiously.
"I..I didn't mean to. He is the one who said he loves me. I..just don't know." I said finally.
They all stared at me.
"So..this is only just him loving you?" Daniella asked me.
"Wait! Levi loves this?" Sarah asked disparagingly pointing to all of me.
"You need to talk. Did he really say he loves you?" Daniella asked me and I blinked. In some part of my mind, I wondered if I even had to answer. But they were my friends. So probably I owed an explanation. They were right. I knew many of them had the hots for Levi. It would seem like a betrayal to them.
I nodded miserably in answer to Danny's question.
"Unbelievable." I heard mutters from the girls.
"You mean you didn't do anything to seduce him?" Sarah asked me.
"Seduce him?" I asked her quizzically.
"Yeah..like walk around naked or something. I just can't imagine you have anything worthy to look at." One girl piped in.
Their hostility was starting to irritate me. "Look. I didn't do anything alright? Levi liked me because he knew me since we were kids and he thought I was kind. He lived next door. It's just that we are familiar with each other. That's all." I told them and they looked among each other suspiciously. I hesitated to tell them about me feeding Levi without realizing what I was doing.
"That doesn't warrant a kiss..infront of the whole school at that. He behaved liked you two were going out publicly. You must have encouraged him in some way." Natalie said with narrowed eyes.
"He..he hit his head and forgot. His friend made him believe I was his girl friend. I didn't have anything to do with it. He is behaving like this on his own." I told her.
"He..forgot?" Daniella asked me.
"Yeah..temporary memory loss." I muttered and wondered if I should have told them anything about it. But they were my friends, right?
Suddenly Natalie smiled and linked her arms with mine. "You should have said that from the beginning. For a second we thought you betrayed us." She told me. I sighed warily. How could I tell her I might actually be betraying them anyway without meaning to? I know I am very oblivious most of the time. But even I couldn't dismiss how Levi occupied my whole mind since he told me he loved me. I guess I had to be honest with my friends.
"I..I am sorry Natalie. I am not a good friend I think. I..think..I have become weird after he said he loved me and said he is okay with me being a boy." I said warily. Silence greeted my words.
"Weird how?" Daniella asked me.
"I don't know. I don't hate it when he kiss me. I've been thinking of him the whole day. He talked about our kid and I can suddenly visualize a family with him. Am I crazy?" I asked her.
"Of course you are crazy." Natalie said.
"You are like the typical virgin who falls in love with the first guy who smiles at her. Seriously, when did he say he loved you?" Daniella asked me.
"This..morning." I said hesitantly and heard giggles from everyone. I felt stupid.
"Nobody falls that fast. Not even some country bumpkin virgin would fall that fast. He must think you are really easy." Daniella told me. I gave her a confused look.
"Teenage boys think of nothing other than sex but they know it takes a few words like 'I love you' and 'I want to have kids with you' to make idiots like you give them what they want. You live with him. So he must be thinking you are an easy lay. I mean no offense. You wouldn't inspire any kind of desire in a man." Natalie said.
"Come, I will show you what I mean." She said as she grabbed my hand and walked outside to a bunch of school basketball team guys.
"Guys.." She cooed and everyone looked at her. Automatically their faces lit up as they looked at her attentively.
"I just wanted to ask you a question. If this girl here asked you out for the prom, what would you say? She is even willing to pay." Natalie said and I gave her a wide eyed look as I looked at the guys worriedly. I tried to refuse but Natalie stopped me.
"I want you to listen to what they have to say." She whispered to me.
"Hell no!" One guy said and the others laughed. Some guys didn't say anything and just avoided our eyes.
"No..I mean she's lying. I don't need a date." I sputtered out quickly.
The boys looked at us suspiciously.
"She's shy." Natalie said. Most guys made a weird look and mumbled an apology before everyone hurried off.
"There you have your answer. No one wants you..not even if you were paying them." Natalie said.
"I swear, Elliot's father must have considered calling her Idiot. You know..it rhymes." Sarah said and everyone giggled.
Suddenly my eyes felt sore and heavy with tears. Without volition, they fell down my cheeks.
"I really hate you all." I whispered to them and ran off. Daniella followed me.
"Elliot, wait!" She called out and grabbed my arm as I ran out of the school.
"Let me go!" I snapped at her.
"Calm down. Natalie was a bitch. Actually they were all being bitches. I am sorry. We are sorry for hurting you." She said as she hugged me tightly.
"Her methods were very wrong but she did have a point you know. Besides, why are you losing your priorities just because someone said he loved you? Don't you remember? You are a boy. You must like girls. If you end up falling hard for Levi, you can never become a boy. One day you will regret your decision to give up on your dream. You probably have to let him go." She told me.
Somehow, her words hurt too. I felt like she was right. I didn't want to choose between Levi and my dream to be a boy.
"But Levi said he is okay with me being a boy." I told her.
"How do you know he isn't just saying it because he thinks he could change you? Levi is as straight as anyone can get. He would never like a boy. It's every straight person's dream to convert a gay person straight." She said and I frowned at her.
"If you become a boy and want to still be with Levi..how do you think you will be getting intimate together?" She asked me. I looked at her with a puzzled frown. Now that she said it, I recalled the pictures of Ed and Fabi in that club.
"Well, gay people have anal sex. Like..they put it in the anus." She said and I averted my eyes. I guess I knew what it was but didn't quite associate it with making love.
"It's not every man's cup of tea to put their penis into poop." She said, making a gory visual for me. I was aghast.
"You can try convincing Levi it would be fun, but if you look this aghast at the idea how do you think Levi would respond? I mean if it was me, I'd die from embarrassment before asking my boyfriend to do something that disgusting. But, on the other hand, I heard some men like it and that you could clean up and stuff and make it poop free or less or whatever. I think you should just ask Levi and see if he has that kind of kink. He must be a real horny goat to forget where he is putting his thing." She told me.
I gave her a confused look. I am not sure if she wants me to ask Levi or not. She sounded so spiteful.
"I...I am confused. Is it really that bad? I mean, I don't want to do it either..but.." I mumbled.
"Sorry. I just wanted to give you a reality check. Forget everything. Just ask him." She told me earnestly. But I was scared now. After all she told me, I don't think I would dare ask him something like that. All that poop talk had me horrified anyway. I can't even imagine what Levi would say. I shook my head and Danny sighed.
"So..you are not going to ask him? Then what if he makes an advance upon you? You saw what happened in the school hallway. You had absolutely no control over him or what he did to you." She said and I gave her a nervous look. I didn't understand where she was going.
"What if he touches you weird and you start thinking you don't want to be a boy anymore? You will become the butt of everyone's jokes because you changed. You will disappoint all those kids out there in the closet who is looking up to you. All those years that you spent trying to get your rightful place in society will go down the drain. You will just be a mere puppet woman following a man and taking orders from a man. I don't imagine Levi being anything even close to a submissive. I can see your life with Levi and..your kid. You will clean the house, do the laundry, cook and look after the child while he watches TV and goes to a job. Oh and you will get eight children. I mean after all that's your purpose in life isn't it? To drop children out of your womb, look after them and obey your husband." She said and I looked at her aghast.
"Sorry..I am making it sound dramatic. But it's for your sake so that you understand what I am saying." She told me. I realized I had started crying again without realizing it. It hurt. I just realized I might have a chance to be with Levi but it was futile. People like me will always have to be alone. No matter how much awareness is spread about us, we will be alone.
"Levi knows how to clean and cook." I mumbled.
"Yeah. I mean unless you are a pig, a human should know that much right? But men don't do it even if they know it when they get a wife or a girl friend. They automatically designate it to us. Did your dad ever cook?" She asked me and I shook my head.
"Is he a pig?" She asked me and I gave her an outraged look.
"No." I said angrily.
"You saw it at your own home. Your dad worked while your mom looked after you guys and the house." She said, pulling up her hands when she saw my anger.
"I come in peace. I told you what it's like." She told me.
"You want me to give up Levi?" I asked her because I still couldn't understand all she said.
"No Elliot. I think you should talk to him. You should clearly tell him that the only type of intimacy you would allow is anal sex because you don't want to form an attachment to your unwanted body parts due to him touching you." She told me.
"Kissing is not okay?" I asked her and she gave me a dour look.
"Did you see how he kissed you today? He practically cornered you into submission. That's the sign of a dominant, macho male. You want to nip that off at the bud. Tell him, you call the shots and not him. You have to wear the pants in this relationship, because you are a man. Remember that! Don't let him crowd you. Don't let him touch you anywhere unless it's your ass. Don't let him press up against you. It's all very dangerous. You really don't want to get attached to body parts that you would throw out in a surgery." She told me.
I just frowned at that. I didn't know what to say. She made sense I guess.
"As for you..you should prepare yourself mentally for anal sex, if you want a relationship with Levi. And forget kids. Just..I mean..completely..forget it. See, he made you think about a kid because he wants you to wish to keep your womb. If you want, you can ask him his intentions. Did he ever say he doesn't wish you would remain a girl?" She asked me.
I shook my head. He did say that he preferred me as a girl. He implied it in several ways. I feel like I am caught in between a rock and a hard place.
"You look so lost. Let's try uncomplicating this. First of all, you need to know, what he is feeling isn't even remotely close to love. It's lust. You are getting caught up in his lust and getting influenced. You are a boy. You wouldn't like him if not for the power of lust. We all react to physical stimulation. Don't get it confused with love. Second, Levi is doing this because he has forgotten. He probably loves some other girl and he doesn't remember it. When he remembers, he will hate you. Let's be realistic. You and Levi are worlds apart in the looks department. Wait, we shouldn't forget the brains department either. You know beauty and the beast happens only in stories. Not in real life. Think with a clear head Ellie. I just gave you all the wisdom a friend can possibly give you. I will love you, no matter what you do." She told me and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
"I will be here for you. Don't stress and just think with a clear head." She told me before leaving me alone, completely confused. Just then, my phone rang, bringing me out of my trance. I looked at the caller ID and saw it was Kyle.
"Hey.." I said tiredly.
"Ell, I need your help..actually I think Ed needs your help." Kyle said.
"Ed? What happened to Ed?" I asked seriously.
"You know the final game is tonight. He just called in and said he is quitting soccer to the coach." Kyle told me.
"What?" I asked aghast, forgetting my own problems temporarily. Ed was an amazing midfielder and we used to call him Christiano Ronaldo because he was that good in scoring goals.
"There will be many people scouting talent in tonight's match. Ed had been looking forward to this since the beginning of the year. After what happened, he isn't speaking to Fabi and I don't think he will speak to me either. I swear, Fabi is also behaving so weird. In practice this morning he seemed to be in a daze, looking around probably to see if Ed would come. He looks so guilty and he cried because he is scared of losing Ed. Ed shouted at him it seems. You are the peacemaker among us. Please do something." Kyle implored. I just stared at my phone.
"What do you want me to do? What if he is hurt? You saw what he was forced into." I told him.
"Yes. But this is Ed. He had a broken leg and he still played in last year's semi finals. Pain is nothing new to him. This is something else. You need to make him realize what he is losing by being wrapped literally in his ass." Kyle said.
"Ugh..did you try talking to him like that?" I asked sourly.
"Sorry..I just blew it. He said he isn't well and I kinda..blew it." He said and sighed loudly.
"What did you say?" I asked him, already having a feeling of what he said.
"He said he isn't well and refused to explain how he wasn't well. I figured he was just having some bruising in his ass and so asked him to wear a tampon or something and come to the match." He said and I slapped my forehead at that.
"He shouted at you?" I asked him.
"No. I heard the phone dead tone before I finished." He said.
"Gee..I wonder why. But..I have no idea what I should say either." I told him awkwardly.
"I don't know. You have experience with periods. Draw on it and speak to him." He said.
"I hate periods and I don't remember the last time I had it. What does that have to do with this? But, I can't use that.." I started anxiously.
"No excuses. Just do something. He needs to be on tonight's match." Kyle said and cut the call. I growled impatiently and then called his number again.
"Hey dimwit, who do you think you are talking to? I am not your henchman to do as you order. I am your leader get it? I do what I want because I want it." I said that and cut the call before Kyle could reply. I hate it when guys try to order me around but with girls, even when they are nasty, I don't know how to deal with them. Perhaps it's because I really wanted to have girl friends. I never had any and I really wanted it to work. But so far, they only end up hurting me without so much as raising a finger on me. I sighed. I would think about the girls and Levi later.
Now about Ed..I had no idea how I would talk to him. I guess it's time I sneak into his house. His mum hates me. I'll probably have to climb the wall and the tree beside his room without her noticing me. The joy of being me! I thought to myself as I decided to cut classes and visit Ed. Knowing Ed, he would be suffering in silence. He had always been like that. I just have to annoy him enough to talk to me.
..........................................................
AN: Please vote and or comment if you liked this chapter :).