I wasn't quite sure how I felt about this friendship that seemed to be blooming between me and Jackson. It was great to connect with someone, but that doesn't completely discount the fear of having him find out my secret.
With David away on 'business', I couldn't help but feel more cheery as I sat opposite Jackson in the cafeteria, watching him as he clutched his stomach and hunched over in fits of laughter. Laughter erupted from me as well. The glimmer in his eyes from it created more butterflies that swarmed in my stomach. They rattled around inside in excitement and nervousness, and it's odd because I've never liked someone like this before.
It was refreshing.
It seemed too good to be true, the walls closing in like a warning in my subconscious. Nothing stays good like this for long. I didn't want to be a pessimist, but it's what I know.
It had been 2 weeks into the school year and through this time me and Jackson had become better friends than I have ever been with anyone in my entire life. He made me laugh and smile which I didn't think would ever happen again, I never thought I could feel good again.
It always felt like such a distance away, so far in the future that really it was almost a dream, a fallacy I believed in rather than something actually attainable.
But it's happened, it's just taken me by surprise in that I found it in another person.
The only odd part to this friendship is that we're all too aware of the last time our skin made contact. I certainly was aware, and I'm sure it's the same for Jackson because it's not like he's made an attempt at contact either. So we haven't, not since that first day.
Our laughter died down with me unscrewing the lid of my water bottle, shaking my head and finishing off the rest of the water.
"hmm... Next time refrain from hitting on teachers" I snort, watching him grimace before breaking out into a chuckle.
"You got to admit though, it was hilarious. Anyway she knew I was only joking." I rolled my eyes at him as he finished off his food. I look down at the remnants of my own, a small smile forming at the kindness from him. I never asked, never said anything and I know I'm good at hiding things but that didn't stop him from noticing my lack of lunch every day. He noticed and almost immediately the next day, there he was, dropping a bag in front of me without a word.
I'd feel embarrassed, but he doesn't make me feel like that. I don't feel like I owe him anything, and he doesn't either. It's just something he felt he had to do, no two ways about it.
So I know he's good.
And he noticed.
But again, I'm not entirely sure that's a good thing yet.
David comes back home soon, he always brings home the whole gang. He plays up to them because they're all as bad as him and I'm a tool in his arsenal to big him up in front of them. To fuel his ego by dominating over me, and I let it happen.
Because what else am I supposed to do?
Once we both finish, we stand up and bin the rubbish, walking side by side to the large field where we sit every lunch. The sun was out and although the air had that chilly September breeze, the glow warmed my skin. I lay flat on my back as Jackson sat up next to me, careful not to touch.
Some stupid part of me keeps jittering in with nasty things about myself. I try to shut it out, but it'll play quietly in the background of my brain even if I don't want it there.
I watch his hand fidget, edging slightly away from me.
He wouldn't want to touch someone like me I thought bitterly.
I physically slap myself, stop saying things like that, it's not going to help anything.
I whip my head towards Jackson as I hear a chuckle from him. My face scrunches up before sitting up and facing him, raising an eyebrow along with it.
"What's so funny?" I pout at him, arms crossed over my chest. I swear I caught his eyes flutter down towards my chest for a fraction of a second, but they're back up before I can really think too much about it. His mouth formed into a smirk of his, shaking his head and chortling to himself.
"Just thinking about what must be going through your head for you to physically slap yourself." I blushed furiously but quickly covered it with my hands.
"I can't help it though, it's a reflex action when I think of everything stupid I do." I heard him laugh but I just groaned trying to hide my cheeks as I felt them redden further.
"I think it's cute, I think it's even cuter how much you're blushing right now." he laughed harder as I groaned louder, shaking my head in embarrassment.
"Stop messing with me Jackson, it's not funny," I grumbled as I heard him laugh more.
"Don't hide from me Jen!" Suddenly I was shocked with those indescribable feelings again, my eyes staring wide-eyed as he held both my hands away from my red cheeks. My mouth dropped as they warmed my entire body.
I felt happy.
Really happy.
But in my life, happiness doesn't last. And happiness is what's going to make it worse for me in the end.
So I shake my head, jumping up onto my feet and pulling my hands out of his grasp.
Did these feelings mean I had a crush on Jackson? I'm beyond confused, I didn't feel things like this. I just don't.
And as I drop my eyes down to him, he looks to find this whole thing just as unfamiliar. A deep slow gulp of his adam's apple as he looks back up at me, a deep emotion set deep in his eyes but i can't work out head or tail of what's he's actually feeling.
It didn't matter what he was feeling though.
I couldn't like Jackson and if these feelings were suggesting what I think they were then I need to get over it. Which means distance right? Avoiding someone gets rid of these feelings, I need it to be true.
The thought of distance from him actually twinges something in my chest, burrowing a deep hole in my gut. It hurts to think it, but that doesn't make sense.
Oh god, do you hear yourself? You barely know him, Jenny! Get a bloody grip, he's a distraction. Just get away from him and voila, problem solved.
I didn't need a distraction.
I needed to stick to my plan and deal with it, I've dealt with all of this on my own for years. I can hold out a little longer and if I let something change in this dynamic then i don't know what'll happen to me.
My life, my structured life that I've formulated works. It might not keep me happy, or safe or healthy... but it's kept me alive and kicking.
I didn't plan for anything else but that. If it's unplanned, then it's like taking a leap of faith and when I have none left to give... it would be ludicrous to jump.
With that in mind I spun around, running back towards the school not looking back. I could hear him approaching behind me and something in me was gravitating me backwards towards him and that scared the hell out of me.
I was pulled abruptly to a stop by a pair of arms pulling me back into their embrace. By the way my knees nearly crumbled beneath me from the feelings I was getting, my back against their chest. His breathing felt so easy under me that I allowed myself to relax for the briefest of moments.
It was only a school crush, people have them all the time in school and get over it. Why should I risk everything for something I might just get over in a few months? With that in mind it gave me the strength to twist myself out of his grasp and ignore the gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach. Stupid body, work with me here?
I turn my eyes up to him, flinching at the look on his face, it nearly broke me.
I internally scream, what is going on!? people don't have this reaction by being with someone for only a short time. I harden my face ready to just get it over with before I backed out.
"Leave me alone. I don't need you messing with my head, so just leave me." I crumble into myself for a second, pausing when his face morphs into one of betrayal. I take a big breath ignoring the way it shook slightly.
"I don't know what the hell I'm feeling but personally I don't want to know so just... don't touch me." I flinch backwards as he tries to reach for me, only to be interrupted by me shouting at him.
"No, don't!" He took a step further forward making me take another step back.
"Hey! didn't you hear her? back away Jackson." I flung my head to the side to see a guy marching towards us before stepping in front of me, forcing me back a step as he blocks my view of Jackson. I mentally sigh as another person got dragged into this mess. No one else needed to be but I was thankful for the help in a way, it would help.
The standoff between them went on for too long time, making me nervous. I try to escape by stepping back, my breath gets caught in my throat when the guy in front of me grips my wrist, pulling me closer behind him.
Over his shoulder, I catch Jackson's eyes morph into blackness. His shoulders shaking and his nostrils flaring, but the guy stands still. His grip is unfaltering that I'm not sure what else to do but stare back at Jackson in fear.
Those eyes flickered between dark blue and black, swirling between the colours until he suddenly closes them. His breathing evening out, and when they open, they find mine over the man's shoulder back to the brilliant blue as before.
He probably thought I didn't see, either way, he looked guilty.
But I didn't want an explanation, I didn't need it because I wasn't going to get involved in any of it. With that thought in mind, I twist my wrist out of the guy's hold and I jog back into the school.
I don't look back at the two of them, afraid I'll see him again. Staring back at me with that look of guilt that I haven't seen someone have towards me for a very long time.
Do I completely forgive someone if they show me guilt?
If David ever had the decency to show me guilt, repentance for everything he's done to me, could I forgive him?
With all this swirling around in my head I made my way to 4th period, I dropped into my seat pulling at my hair with my hands while I groaned.
Why does everything have to hurt so much? Is this a forever thing? This feeling of an ache in your chest that won't go away, is this forever?
Because this isn't what I want to feel for the rest of my life.
I slumped further into my seat, grabbing my maths textbook from my bag and opening it up ready for class.
I sat there messing about with my hair, watching as the rest of the class filed in. The ache in my chest worsening when I realize that Jackson wasn't going to walk through that door.
Although the pit in my stomach grew, mentally I was relieved because all I could think is that maybe it won't be as hard to avoid him then... if he was going to ignore me too.
I scoff, I knew I was lying to myself. I know it's going to be difficult as hell this school year, never mind getting the grades I need. I know this thing with Jackson was far from over and I don't think I'm ready for whatever was in store for me.