Chapter 5: No One Gave You One No
[Hallway, Atenamal Regional High, 3:29 PM, The Secret Lair (mwahaha)]
FENDER: "Come with me."
OSCAR: "I mean, I'm going to agree, but it doesn't mean I don't find it a bit rapey."
FENDER: "How did you get voted class speaker, again?" (they walk through the emptying hallways)
OSCAR: "Democracy can't work without a tad of collusion."
FENDER: "Said every hatching dictator ever."
OSCAR: "Why do people keep saying that?"
FENDER: "Uh... Why do people keep saying that?" (holds a door open for Oscar)
OSCAR: "Obscure vague demand. Dark, narrow staircase leading to the unsightly bowels of a creepy high school. This better be a reenactment of Saw or else I'm going to be really disappointed."
FENDER: "Prepare to be disappointed. Walk."
OSCAR: "Which way?"
FENDER: (shoves Oscar into the staircase, they walk down into the underground of the school) "This used to be the arts wing back in the '90s. People haven't really used it for a decade. Besides storage, obviously."
OSCAR: "Mmm. The smell of stale semen."
FENDER: (looking flustered) "And certain mischievous teenage activities. Come."
OSCAR: (unbuckling belt) "I mean, I'm not really in the mood, but if you insist..."
FENDER: "Jeez, what's wrong with you today? Come. Come here. Not - don't cum here, just, follow me."
(Fender leads Oscar into an old classroom, half-lit by bright white LEDs, where three other students are waiting around a sloppy circle of desks)
RANDOM BOY: (deep, Satanic voice) "Take off your clothes, twink, and splay."
OSCAR: "Knew it. I knew it. I knew this had something to do with sex."
FENDER: "Shut up, Raymond. Oscar, welcome to the Academic Council. Gabi and I thought that it was a shame it wasn't obligatory for the Council to meet regularly with structured discussions. This was the only time all of us are free, and the rest of the classrooms are taken up by clubs. So, creepy underground storage chamber it is."
RAYMOND: "I honestly don't think any of us have met properly. Oscar, meet Elsie and Gabi. I'm Raymond, the eleventh grade class speaker."
GABI: "Don't worry, we thought this was a ploy to evoke a nerd orgy, too."
FENDER: "Is it not a nerd orgy? Okay, sit down. Let's start."
ELSIE: "Will this take long? I have softball in two hours."
FENDER: "Jeez, Elsie, you think I want to sit in this place for two hours? Alright, first I want to talk about - "
GABI: "Do you expect us to sit here and discuss academia when you reportedly are the father of three unborn children? I mean come on. When I was in tenth grade I was eating dirt and snorting Elmer's glue."
FENDER: "I - That's. Off topic. Shall we move on?"
RAYMOND: "No, no. I want to hear more about 'Father Fender'. What do your parents think?"
FENDER: (hissy) "They don't know. Can we - "
RAYMOND: "They don't know! But you do know the school's gonna tell them, right? And then you'll have to feel the wrath of the Hernandez's."
GABI: "What I want are luscious, chronologically organized details."
ELSIE: "What I want is to get on with this so I can leave."
FENDER: "Thank you, Elsie. Look, the ninth grader is the one taking initiative, here. We can all learn something - "
RAYMOND: " - about your sex life. Who else, Fender? Do I need to lock my girlfriend away?"
FENDER: (slightly uncomfortable) "If you guys want the truth... I thought I was above condoms. Now look where it got me."
GABI: "Oh poor you, the completely un-pregnant un-fat un-withdrawn-from-school teenage white boy who let his stupidity ruin the lives of three girls. Olivia is fourteen, you fucking asshole."
FENDER: "I thought we were supposed to talk about school - "
GABI: "Isn't this ridiculous? How everyone thinks you're gay - "
FENDER: "That is ridiculous - "
GABI: " - when really you're just a messed-up fuck-boy who can't pull out for shit. And then you have the audacity to feel sorry for yourself?"
FENDER: "I wasn't feeling sorry for m - "
GABI: "Get a grip, Fender. You better be lucky your family is rich and they're able to support the kids. Otherwise I'd give all three girls hand-crafted abortions myself and shove the bloody coat-hangers up your ass." (stands up and leaves the old classroom, shoving her bag onto her shoulder)
RAYMOND: "If Gabi's gone, I guess... there's no real point..." (leaves as well)
ELSIE: "Sorry, guys. I need to practice my swing. I have a game this Saturday." (follows Raymond out the door, leaving Oscar and Fender alone)
(uncomfortable silence)
OSCAR: "To be fair... it was a stupid thing to do."
FENDER: (quietly) "Shut up, Fender."
OSCAR: "Do you want me to lie and call you a hero?"
FENDER: "I want you to shut up and leave, if you want to."
OSCAR: "Ohh, if I want to? I'm so scared. I feel so threatened. You're such a good threatener."
FENDER: "Please just leave."
...
[Hallways, Atenamal Regional High, 8:54 AM, Big Brother Wants You Dead]
RONNY: (in passing) "This is crazy! Someone has some mad photo-shopping skills."
KHASHAR: "It's not that impressive. I just want to know where they found paper that big."
(on the other side of the hallway)
FENDER: "Hey, Oscar. Um - uh. What are you doing?"
OSCAR: (trying to block Fender from entering further into the school) "Nothing. I just. You look great today, Fender."
FENDER: "Please let me get to class."
OSCAR: "No, no. Why don't we skip? Like a date but - no - not a date - not like, in a gay way. No homo, am I right? Haha. Well. Coffee?"
FENDER: "Dude, please get out of my way."
OSCAR: "I just. Ugh. I just really want to skip school today, Fender, you don't understand. I just feel this overbearing urge to partake in the bad boy activities. Let's go get high!"
FENDER: "Move."
OSCAR: "I'm doing the heroic thing by trying to spare your sanity, here."
FENDER: "You're doing the opposite." (bypasses Oscar and walks into the school, is suddenly taken aback by all the huge identical posters covering the walls)
OSCAR: (solemn) "I mean, it's not that bad. They could have called you a serial ax-murderer."
FENDER: (stunned and quiet) "Rapist?"
BASIL: (wheeling up behind them, oblivious) "That's normally what you call someone who forced someone else into having sex with - oh my Lord Jesus's left testicle - what happened here?!"
OSCAR: "And the article lives on. But who's... who's 'no one'?"
BASIL: "Let me take a wild guess... no one?"
OSCAR: "You're so witty and clever."
BASIL: "You're so skinny and gay."
OSCAR: "Basilica, I thought we've been through this. In this day and age, 'gay' isn't an insult."
MR WILKS: (at the end of the hallway, yelling over everyone) "I WANT EVERY STUDENT IN THE GYM IMMEDIATELY!"
OSCAR: "Where'd Fender go?"
BASIL: "Who cares? Wheel me away, Captain Oscar. My arms are tired."