Chapter 2: Oreos Taste Better Without Milk
[Humphries Avenue, The Suburbs, 3:58 PM, Worst Than Pete Wentz's Actual Fart]
OSCAR: "1997. Evander Holyfield and Mike Tyson ensue a boxing match for the masses. Guess what happened? Evander loses half an ear. Why? Tyson bit it off. Is this the fate you're asking for, Basil?"
BASIL: "Bitch, hell yes. I can't wait to see Ronny walking around with a bite-shaped hole in his ear. If I can claim a part of his flesh, I can die happy. I'll allow you to euthanize me."
OSCAR: (prancing to keep up with her as they walk) "That's not exactly... what I meant. Hey - look. Boxer Becky Zerlentes - "
BASIL: "Maybe if you stopped Googling these you wouldn't walk so slow."
OSCAR: " - she died in 2005 after being struck in the head by her opponent. No weapons, no cheating, just boxing. She died. Are you ready to die, Basil? Are you ready to make your parents crouch in scratched-up pews sobbing over your dead body?"
BASIL: "This is a question you should be asking Weasley, Oscar. God damn. You think I ain't fought anyone before?"
OSCAR: (scandalized) "Uh - yeah - I think you haven't fought anyone before. You're an infant when it comes to fighting, Basil. You're a virgin. A fight-virgin. If you lose your virginity to Ronny you'll get knocked up so hard you'll have to leave school for months." (awkward pause) "Okay, so, that didn't come out right. I really need to think these things through before I say them out loud. You - you know what I mean. Right?"
BASIL: (smiling pleasantly) "You know what you are?"
OSCAR: "What?"
BASIL: (abrupt frown) "A l'il bitch. Stop spreading your pussy flaps everywhere and grow a pair, fuck-wad."
OSCAR: "I have a pair: a pair of eyes, and I'm using them to see that this is probably a worst idea than that time we bottled your fart and advertised it on Craigslist as 'Pete Wentz's Actual Fart'. We all know how that story plays out."
BASIL: "You promised me we'd never speak about Pete Wentz's fart ever again."
OSCAR: "Basil, please. I'm already falling behind in English class and I don't want to have to write you a eulogy."
BASIL: "You asshole. It's like you have no faith in me whatsoever. Is it because I'm a girl? Is that it, bitch? I never took you for a sexist, you grass-eating punk bitch."
OSCAR: "I have all the faith in you! Well, maybe just... a quarter of faith. A fair percentage. Less than a small bit. Alright, I have no faith in you, I'm faithless, and you'll never convince me into repentance."
BASIL: "Wow. Wow. My first fight and my best friend thinks the tofu-face can beat me."
OSCAR: "Oh, come on. Don't do that. Ronny's brother is an Atenamal Turdstall legend. Twelve-time champion. Two ties. Zero losses. And so far, Ronny's been doing pretty good for himself too. He's already won two fights in the ring this year."
BASIL: "And he'll lose one tonight."
OSCAR: "How are you so... confident? Please don't tell me you plan on cheating."
BASIL: "I have two extreme advantages Ronny knows nothing about, Oscar."
OSCAR: (desperate) "Enlighten me, please, before I have a stroke."
BASIL: (content with herself) "One: I'm at least fifty pounds heavier than him. Two: I have this devilish little pill called 'spite' that I swallowed earlier in the day when him and Igor fucked around and insulted my black pride. The motive of defending your entire race is far stronger than the motive of humiliating a single fat girl. Remember that, before you go all pussy on my ass."
...
[Estranged Caterpillar machinery, The Turdstall, 4:30 PM, Boys of the Ring]
ABDUL: "Why are we here so early? I have a history test tomorrow, you know that, right?"
KHASHAR: "Don't flatter yourself, dude. It's a vocab quiz and you know it."
ABDUL: "Yeah, a vocab quiz which I haven't studied for. Why? Right - because we're here in the middle of nowhere three hours early."
KHASHAR: "Stop being so annoying. Relax, man. Smell that? Ah - yes - the scent of mischievous scheming and Basilisk's nervous sweat drifting on the breeze."
ABDUL: "What does mischievous scheming even mean?"
KHASHAR: "Are you serious? Why do you think we're even here this early? You think I don't have places to be, people to meet? You're not the only one with a life, Abdul. But sometimes, the clan needs to prioritize certain events over our personal affairs."
ABDUL: "Certain events as in Ronny beating the shit out of a helpless girl for thirty minutes straight? Yeah. A real priority."
KHASHAR: "Man, what's wrong with you? Shut the fuck up before I kick your jaw in."
ABDUL: "Sorry. I know. This is important." (bites lip) "Where did he go?"
KHASHAR: "Who, Ronny? He just went off in the woods over there for a sec. He'll be back soon, I guess."
ABDUL: "Does she have an entourage? Basilica, I mean. She got friends that'll come?"
KHASHAR: (laughing) "Man, you think Basilisk has friends!? Shit." (laughs harder) "Basilisk, as in the girl who's so overweight she'll go into cardiac arrest if she stands in the lunch line for too long?" (laughing so hard he almost pees himself) "As in the girl who vomited all over the boys' bathroom last year? Man!"
ABDUL: "Gee, sorry for wondering. Doesn't she hang out with that one dude though?"
KHASHAR: "Dude? More like faggot. His name's Oscar. We don't have to worry about him."
...
[The Turdstall, 7:01 PM, Pile-Drive]
JAKOB: (yelling over the yapping of the crowd) "You think she'll show?"
RONNY: "Wouldn't surprise me if the bitch ran. Blacks are known for that shit."
IGOR: "Ronny, the crowd's getting restless."
RONNY: "Then tell them to wait two more fucking minutes, you idiot. It's barely even dusk yet."
ABDUL: "Do you even know what dusk is?"
RONNY: "I'm not an idiot, Abdul. The sun's going down. It's at least five degrees cooler. Maybe the fucking Basilisk doesn't know what dusk is. Maybe she thinks it means twilight."
ABDUL: "Twilight hasn't even arrived yet."
RONNY: "Yeah, because it's dusk right now."
ABDUL: "No, it's neither. The sun is setting but it's still light out. It's gonna be twilight soon. And then dusk is when it's pretty much night but there's still light on the horizon - "
RONNY: "Just - shut the fuck up, will you, mate? Nobody cares. The bitch either shows or she doesn't. Her loss either way."
(the yapping of the crowd surges)
JAKOB: "She's here!"
(Basil walks through a part in the crowd, Oscar trailing behind her)
IGOR: "Well, well, well. Look who decided to show."
RONNY: "Shut the fuck up, man."
IGOR: "It's the Basilisk, come to blind us with her butt-face."
RONNY: "Shut the fuck up. You sound so retarded." (looks and sneers at Basil) "Well? Any last words?"
BASIL: (looks between the heavy machinery at the sunset, back at Ronny) "Yeah." (dramatic pause) "Ya mom's a hoe."
RONNY: (spits on the ground) "She ain't no fucking hoe. My mom's a slut."
JAKOB: (yelling to be heard) "Everyone shut the fuck up and listen! Today - the fourth of October - marks the day Basilica and Ronny face off in the iconic Turdstall! This day is historic because it's the first time a female Atenamal student has ever faced off with a male Atenamal student. It is also historic, because Ronny is none other than the younger brother of Turdstall legend Gregory 'The Digger' Diggles!
"Here are - SHUT THE FUCK UP! - here are the rules! No weapons shall be brandished. If you forfeit not only will your opponent win, but you will be forced into executing a consequence. No killing. The fight ends when one of you is unable to move. Do both parties agree to these rules?"
(Ronny and Basil both nod)
"Great! The fight starts in THREE! - "
OSCAR: "You got this, Basil!"
JAKOB: " - TWO! -"
OSCAR: "Beat his dick in!"
JAKOB: " - ONE!"
OSCAR: "Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my - "
RONNY: (circling around Basil, looking evil but also really small, kind of like a chihuahua) "Got any moves, girl? Wanna come at me? What are you gonna do, squash me to death? Sit on my face and suffocate me?"
BASIL: "You wish, bitch."
RONNY: "You're in way over your head here, Basilisk. What were you thinking, taking me on? I bet you're already regretting it."
BASIL: "I only regret it for your sake, Weasley."
RONNY: "Ouch. We're back to Harry Potter insults, are we? Can't think of anything more creative?"
BASIL: "Like 'basilisk' has nothing to do with Harry Potter? You act all tough, Ronny, but deep down you're a secret Potterhead just like the rest of us."
RONNY: "Am not."
SOMEONE IN THE CROWD: "Fuck each other up already!"
RONNY: "You gonna throw a few swings, girl? You scared?"
BASIL: "You gonna keep lurking around me in a circle like some weird crab?"
RONNY: (stops circling) "Let's go. Come on." (urges her towards him with a gesture from his fingers) "No more games."
BASIL: "Why don't you come at me?"
RONNY: "Come on. Come at me, bro. Have at it."
BASIL: (mocking him) "'Come on. Come at me, bro. Have at it.' Should I be afraid of someone who sounds like they're in a gay porno?"
SOMEONE IN THE CROWD: "HURRY UP!"
RONNY: (lunges, throws the first punch, hits Basil square in the face, the crowd erupts in hoots and hollers, Basil skirts back, she's stunned, Ronny shakes out his hand) "You like that, girl? Is that the first time a boy has ever touched you?"
BASIL: "My priest blesses me every week, dumbass. That's some action you'll wish you'd have gotten when I'm through with your punk ass."
RONNY: "Shit! You're feisty!" (throws a second punch, Basil stumbles to the side to dodge it, she charges and rams into his torso, knocking him off balance) "Shit!" (Ronny regains his balance, knocks her to the ground, gets on top of her and starts punching her face, the crowd roars)
OSCAR: "COME ON BASIL! GET UP!"
IGOR: "YEAH RONNY! YEAH MAN! THAT'S MY MAN! THAT'S MY BRO!"
RONNY: (His knuckles split and there's blood everywhere, Basil struggles to override him) "What did we tell you, bitch?" (keeps punching her) "Don't dip the fucking Oreo in our fucking milk." (she finally unseats him and wrestles him to the ground, hold's his throat with one hand as she punches his face with the other, the crowd goes berserk)
KHASHAR: (fingers yanking at his hair, unbelieving) "HOLY SHIT - "
JAKOB: (narrating the fight) "And Ms. Oreo has Ronny pinned to the ground, and she seems to be giving him some light kneading - "
(Basil beats the living daylights out of Ronny with some sort of super-human strength, blood drips down her neck, Ronny is choking underneath her, gasping for breath, blood is everywhere, people are hooting and yelling in excitement)
JAKOB: (still narrating) "She's doing alright... I guess. Ronny - come on, man - is looking like he's regaining some of his energy for the final scrum..."
(Ronny is looking like he's two seconds away from death, his face has puffed up, a cloud of dust has risen around them, Basil is savagely pounding at his face)
BASIL: "Oreos taste better without milk anyways, you fish tart." (delivers the punch of a lifetime to Ronny's fucked-up face)
RONNY: "ABDUL! ABDUL NOW! NOOOWWWW!"
(There's a delayed confusion amoung the crowd; a parked dump truck a few metres away rumbles to life; it reverses into the ring of the fight, forcing people to make way for it; the crowd starts to make exclamations of nervous zeal; Basil looks confused and terrified; Ronny manages to slip out from underneath her just as the box of the dump truck tips upwards and a great surge of black water pours straight down on Basil; the crowd runs out a few metres to avoid the splash)
RONNY: "Yes!" (runs forward through the mud as Basil is still soaked and stunned, drives a switchblade into her back, the crowd slowly starts to develop into screams of horror as they realize what had happened)