"No. Please."
Phil's P.O.V.
The doctors pushed us aside and rushed around Jay, a nurse coming to pull us away from all the chaos. I could see the panic and fear in Dan's eyes and I just wrapped my free arm around his shoulder, while supporting Phoenix, pulling him close as we just watched and listened.
I jumped when I heard a shock, wincing, knowing that the doctors were trying to bring her back to life again.
"Clear! Start CPR!" Dan burst into tears beside me and I wrapped my arms even further around him, pulling him into a hug so his head was in my chest and he couldn't see anything, Phoenix protectively held in between us.
"No heartbeat detected! Keep going!" I closed my eyes and tried to block out the sounds, knowing that with every passing second her life was falling further and further down the drain.
"Keep going...! Come on, clear!" I could hear the doctors fighting for her life, she was fading.
"No heartbeat! Try once more!" I felt the silent tears streaming down my face and something in my heart told me that this was it and that she wasn't going to come home anymore. Even though she was still being fought for by the doctors, Jay wasn't going to be around to raise her little boy and she wasn't going to be around with us.
I knew it was coming when the doctors stepped back with a grim look of their faces and the heart monitor still flatlining. She was gone.
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It didn't take long before everyone knew. Somehow the news had gotten out to the rest of the world and it wasn't long before her death was all over the news and people were sending us messages saying how sorry they were for our loss.
Dan was numb. He hadn't moved from our bedroom in the days since Jay had died, only getting up to go to the bathroom and look after Phoenix, ignoring my attempts to get him to eat. It hurt me, but I knew he was trying to cope with everything by blocking it out.
Phoenix had noticed Jay's absence because he was constantly fussy and hard to calm down, it was almost like he knew that she was gone.
I had fallen into a routine, get up, care for Phoenix, get Dan out of bed, eat, wander around for the day and then go to bed again. My mind was filled with Jay, I couldn't think of anything else anymore, and I saw her in everything I did and everything I passed.
Her belongings, some still strewn around the house, reminding me of who I was missing so goddamn much. Every time I saw something of hers, her sketchbook on the living room shelf, her phone charger underneath the dining room table, a hoodie or sock over the back of the couch, it sent me into tears. All I wanted was her back.
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I didn't remember much of the funeral after it happened, I was too numb to even think through the pain. Dan and I spent the time in the back of the room with Phoenix, calming him when he cried and answered questions from several family members and friends.
Louise, PJ, Chris and Cat spent the time trying to heard people away from us, knowing that we didn't want to be asked anything. All of them spoke at the podium during the service about Jay, addressing some messages personally to her and many bursting into tears.
Jay's friends from school were also there and I recognised quite a few of them, including Anais and the kids that she talked about from the dance class where she met them. Anais spent a lot of her time next to the people from school, her headscarf covering her face so no one could see that she had been crying.
Dan spent a lot of the time with his head in my shoulder, silent tears streaming down his cheeks and his hand curled up into mine, nails digging into his skin. I tried to stop him doing it but he just went back to drawing blood on his palm, trying to ground himself in the world around him.
I was scared that he was going to disappear back into his head and I wouldn't be able to get him back. I was going to do all I could to get him to stay, as I needed him if I was going to make it through the next little while and look after Phoenix. I wanted to keep my promise to Jay.
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"Phil...?" I looked up, humming in reply.
Dan was standing in the doorway with black bags under his eyes, his lip quivering as he was close to tears. Phoenix, asleep in the baby chair next to me, didn't stir, so I stretched my arms out for him to come and lie on the couch with me.
He buried his head into my chest and almost at once starting crying, his hand curling into a fist on my t-shirt. He had been crying a lot recently but I didn't blame him, it was his way of coping with everything, going numb and bottling it up, and then boiling over.
I let him cry, his harsh sobs almost bringing me to tears as well. All I wanted was to bring Jay back, I wanted our little girl back so we could be a happy family again and we could start healing again. We had just been healing from the last messes, Jay's kidnapping and then Phoenix and I wasn't sure how we would be able to continue with Jay's passing.
It took at least an hour for his tears to dry up and even then he didn't speak, just rested his head on my chest and closed his eyes. I knew he wasn't sleeping, he hadn't slept properly in days, not since Jay had died, and it was catching up to him and forcing him into a trance like state.
"Just sleep Dan, I know you need it okay." He nodded quietly, nuzzling his head into my chest.
As well as not sleeping much, he hadn't talked much either, worrying me. It was only a matter of time before he told me what we had to do to make it better but I didn't push him, knowing it would only take time.
He closed his eyes, his grip on my shirt slipping.
"Love you bear."