Two Months. Eight weeks, 60 days, 1,460 hours, and so many miscellaneous minutes. That's how long it's been since Dezzy was born, how long since Harry and the boys went back to work, and how long it's been since that psycho kidnapped and tortured me. I was thankful for my son's constant needs because he kept my mind busy. I didn't have time for postpartum depression. Instead, it was all the hours in between when Des was sleeping and didn't need me. The panic attacks weren't getting better, the jumpiness had me dropping all sorts of stuff from dishes to my phone.
I was surprised to find that Remi was a great idea. Anytime I gave him the command 'baby' in French, he would run directly to Des, regardless of wherever he was, and he would guard him with his life until I gave him the 'heel' command. He was smart and I watched him grow everyday, right alongside the baby. He slept in the nursery every single night and during the baby's naps. He was always the first one into the car and the first one out wherever we went, and he didn't let anyone he didn't know or trust too close.
Though Harry was gone more often, he stayed in touch with me every day. I made sure he could FaceTime with the baby and it thrilled me to no end to see Harry be carefree and smitten with his son. Even with the dogs and our firearms, Harry had a state-of-the-art security system put in place. One of the extra bedrooms was converted into a nerve center with monitors that surveyed every inch of the inside and outside of the house and property. The boys would be home in a few days and I couldn't wait. I longed for Harry when he was away, but I hadn't been able to be intimate with him since everything had happened. I was hoping to change that this time. Today was different, it felt different when I got up, like it was destined to be a good day and I couldn't place my finger on why.
I'd already lost my baby weight and was back to my original weight before I got pregnant and I felt pretty good. My hair was longer and more blonde from spending more time in the sun. I had a healthy natural tan and everything on the outside seemed normal, good even. I wish I could say that about the inside. I found myself zoning out during the day, even in conversations, at the boutique, when I was nursing the baby, and during other tasks. I was having nightmares and flashbacks, losing my appetite, and I hardly spent time with anyone other than the baby.
Today was my day at the boutique with Anne and I thought it would be good for the baby to see his grandmother and get out of the house for a few hours. I parked the Range Rover out back and grabbed the baby carrier while Remi led the way into the backdoor of the building. I heard Anne greet Remi with kisses and treats, and then she was giving me a hug with kisses to both cheeks. "How are you doing, sweetie? You're looking better." She comments. I smile and set the baby carrier on the couch.
"I'm feeling alright. Today felt different, but in a good way. I feel good." I tell her with a smile. She clasps her hands together and smiles. "Oh, sweetheart, that's fantastic to hear! One day at a time. Now, can I hold my grandbaby?" She asks. I tilt my head to the side and give her a 'really, Anne?' look. "You do not ever have to ask to hold the baby. Besides, he absolutely adores you and he needs grandma time." I say. Anne unbuckles him and scoops him up as if he's weightless and Dezzy cracks a huge toothless grin and giggles as she coddles him.
"There's my happy boy! Oh, grandma loves you so much. Papa Des will be here later to see you, too." Anne talks to him as if he understands every word she is saying. His only reply is giggling and drooling on himself. I gather the account books and take them up to the register so I can make sure the receipts and the drawer in the cash register all add up, and Remi follows by my side, only to sit loyally on his bed by the door.
With my nose buried in the books, I hardly realize that it's past lunchtime and I need to nurse Dezzy. Closing the books, I walk to the back office, where Anne is on the couch with Des in her arms. "I just realized I need to nurse him and then we can go get lunch." I whisper. She nods and sits up with him, causing him to get fussy. I take him into my arms and talk to him. "Oh, you're alright. You can go back with grandma after I feed and change you." I sit on the couch and lift my shirt and bra. I hold his head up to my breast and it only takes a few seconds for him latch on and begin sucking. Anne places a blanket over the baby and I thank her.
After Dezzy has been fed and changed, Anne and I close up the shop for lunch and head to the little cafe down the street. We are seated rather quickly and we enjoy our drinks while we wait on our food. It feels like it's been forever since she and I have talked, plus with everything that happened, I haven't really been myself. I feel Remi lying at my feet and I try to relax a little bit. I know I'm safe, but that feeling of uneasiness keeps creeping up on me unexpectedly.
"Sweetheart, are you sure you're doing alright? We can always get lunch to go and take it back to the shop." Anne suggests. She reaches across the table and grabs my hands, causing me to jump. "Oh, I'm sorry for startling you. But if you're uncomfortable, we don't have to be here." She assures me.
I give her a smile and shake my head. "No, this is good for me. I can't live the rest of my life in hiding. I think the more I get out the better it'll become. I feel safer with the dog here, too. I feel like I don't have to watch Dezzy literally every second." I confess. Anne nods with a smile and pulls away.
"I'm so proud of you. I know it'll get better. Have you considered seeing a therapist to talk about it?" She asks. My body grows tense and I shake my head. "N-no. I think I'm okay without it. I have the family to talk to, and Billy and Annie have been a true blessing in my life. I've considered asking Harry if they could come stay with us for a bit." I feel my face get hot and I look away from her.
"Honey, you have to do what's best for you. With or without Harry's approval. If that means getting them here, get them here. If that's therapy or medication or 10 dogs that make you feel safe, that's what you do. There is no measure too drastic. Your safety and the baby's safety is what matters." Anne pats my hands and as she takes a sip of her tea, our food arrives.
Back at the shop, I begin finishing up the books while Anne helped a few shoppers. Dezzy was asleep in Anne's office in the back, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I hadn't realized my thoughts had drifted back to that small concrete room I was locked in. I could still feel the bite of the cuffs in my wrists and I rub them subconsciously as if they're still locked on me. I hadn't realized that my breathing had grown labored and I was having a panic attack. As the door to the shop opened, I shot up off my stool and backed myself against the wall.
"Whoa, Bentlie, it's me, Des. It's alright. I won't hurt you." Des said as he put his hands up. Remi got up and began barking and snarling at Des as I tried to curl myself into a ball and disappear. "No! Please...don't hurt me or the baby..I don't know anything!" I shout as tears prick the back of my eyes. I slide down until my butt hits the floor and my knees are curled up in front of me.
Anne comes rushing from the back and gives Remi the 'heel' command and he obediently goes back to his bed. Anne comes over to me and crouches beside me, careful not to make anything worse. "Bentlie, you're safe, honey. Can you hear my voice?" She asks. I open my eyes and look at her before nodding and looking around. "It's okay, you're safe. You had a panic attack when Des came in and Remi nearly tore into him." Anne says.
"Oh my God." I climb to my feet and look around before looking at Des, both embarrassed and glad to see him. "Des..I..I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. Did Remi hurt you?" Shrugging it off, he shakes his head. "No, he didn't hurt me. I'm more worried about you. Are you alright?" He asked. The tears began to well up and fall as I sank into my seat. "I don't know what's happening to me. I am so embarrassed. I don't know what to do." I cried to my in-laws. They probably thought I was a basket case.
"Let me finish up in the back and then I'll drive you and Des home. I don't think you need to be here." Anne spoke. I could only nod. I agreed with her. "Is it alright if I see the kiddo before you take off?" Des asked. I wiped my eyes and nodded. "Yes, of course. You don't ever have to ask to see or hold him. He's in the office." Des nods and makes his way back there with Anne. Remi stares Des down as he goes to the back, but he doesn't make another move.
After calming down, Anne drives me back to the house. I thank her and apologize profusely, though she tells me not to worry about it. I grab the baby carrier and Remi follows as I make my way into the house and Anne backs out of the driveway. Putting in the security code to the kitchen door, I see the hackles on the back of Remi's neck stand up and he let's out a growl. My heart goes right into panic mode and I clutch the car seat a little tighter as I open the door. Remi makes his way into the kitchen first and seconds later he is coming back to me, tail wagging and letting me know it's safe.
I step into the house and I see Harry leaning against the counter. His blue jeans hang just right off his hips and he has a black t-shirt on under his leather cut, his tatted arms folded over his chest. His green bandana is wrapped around his forehead to keep his unruly curls out of his face and God, he looked perfect standing there. I set Des on the kitchen island and run to Harry. His arms open and he intercepts me, holding me tight and nearly lifting me off the ground. With my arms around his neck, I bury my head in my chest and just let my tears fall.
"It's alright, baby. I'm home now. I've got you." He murmured in my ear as he rocked me. It felt good to have him home. I always felt safer with him here and now that he was home, I knew that I could relax. After pulling away from him, he holds onto my hands so I can't get too far away and he leans down to press a kiss to my lips. I melt into it and lean against him once more. This is the first time since everything that I've let anyone get this close to me. I know Harry would never hurt me.
"How's my boy?" He asks between kisses. I wrap my arms around his middle and look over at the car seat. Dezzy is wide awake and he is smiling away. He babbles a little here and there, but he mostly grunts or cries and drools on himself, but he's the happiest little baby. "Doing great. He missed you so much." Harry walks over to him and picks him up, holding him close and talking to him as if he understands. "Were you the man of the house while I was away? Did you protect mama and let her sleep?" Watching Harry interact with his son made my heart skip beats and for the first time in almost 2 months, I genuinely smiled.
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A/N Yes, I updated! I haven't forgot about this story and I am going to finish it! I think my update days for this story will be on Wednesdays! Hopefully I can stick to it & get it done.