Blake sighed and squeezed his eyes shut so he could find the right words, but his heart was beating twice it's usual rate after Miranda's comment about their relationship and his mind was scattered everywhere. Miranda sat across from him and he could feel her glaring. She was in no mood for this.
"Blake, I swear to god, you better tell me what is happening, or I am going to stand up, get Sadie and drive home." Miranda barked and Blake immediately shot his head up and his eyes were huge and desperate.
"No, Miranda, please. Just let me explain." He pleaded, his voice breaking and Miranda's eyes glared at him, but she stayed sitting. When a few more seconds past, Blake's throat felt tight and he was dangerously close to breaking down. He didn't have a good enough reason for how much of an asshole he had been recently and he was terrified to tell her, knowing she would flip. When he still hadn't spoken, Miranda could see that he was getting emotional, but she was beyond done.
"I am done waiting for you. Either you man up and tell me whatever the hell is wrong, or I am standing up and going home." She ordered again and Blake groaned, he couldn't let that happen.
"I DO want to have another baby." He tried to start and Miranda listened, but when he paused again to order his words right, her anger boiled over.
"Then what the fuck is your problem? You can't keep doing this. It's so unfair on me. You either want a baby or you don't!" She barked, but then something hit her and her face softened. "Is...is there something wrong with you?"
Blake saw that she was looking down at his crotch and he immediately shook his head.
"No." He assured quickly and Miranda breathed out in relief, but this whole thing was too much to understand.
"Then what? Blake, come on. I'm giving you the chance to explain and you're not even trying!" She huffed, her voice gravely.
Blake took a deep breath and knew he needed to get his shit together. He was dangerously close to having his Wife take their Daughter to the other end of the country. He couldn't let that happen.
"Okay, just give me second." He pleaded and Miranda tried to compose herself, settling in her chair to hear whatever it was he had to say. Blake kept breathing steadily, but his heart was racing. He just needed to get this out, before Miranda did something rash.
"I DO want to have a another baby." He assured in a quiet voice and when miranda was about to argue, he held up a hand to indicate that he wasn't done. "And I DO want to have that baby with you. But, I'm worried."
Miranda raised her eyebrows, not understanding what he was saying, but she was beyond grateful that he was finally opening up.
"Why?" She asked as Blake rubbed his face and Blake sighed, not sure how this would sound out loud.
"I'm worried about you." He admitted in a very small voice and Miranda frowned, that didn't make any sense.
"Worried that I'm too old to get pregnant again?" She asked in confusion, that was all she could think of. Blake shook his head quickly. She had regular periods and he saw no reason why she couldn't conceive again.
"What? No, it's not that." He clarified and Miranda was starting to grow frustrated again. She hated when he was like this. She liked to have things out in the open, where as Blake bottled things up. It was one of the only things she hated about it.
"It's just..." He started and Miranda raised her eyebrows, generally interested in what he had to say. "I just...I'm worried that your body won't be able to handle another baby."
Miranda's eyed grew wide and Blake immediately regretted the way he had worded that sentence. She was pissed.
"Excuse me?" She retaliated, raising her voice and Blake raised his hands to try and control the situation.
"That's not what I meant, I said that wrong." He assured her quickly and Miranda's eyes narrowed as she glared.
"It better fucking not be what you meant." She spat and Blake swallowed. He knew she was already self conscious about the extra curve Sadie had given her body and he hated himself for the way he had phrased that sentence. It was defiantly not what he meant.
"I didn't mean it like that." He said gently, he could see the swirling of hurt and anger in her eyes and she nodded, waiting for him to continue.
"I'm just worried about what happened last time." He said gently and Miranda sighed, still not completely getting it.
"I was completely fine when I was pregnant. Cramps are normal." She insisted and Blake shook his head.
"I know. It's the process of getting the baby out I'm worried about." He finally admitted and Miranda sighed.
"I got Sadie out. I don't see the problem." She tried to argue, but Blake was quick to back himself up.
"You did get her out, but you tore so badly. You had stitches and you could barely walk for weeks." He recounted, shuddering as he remembered how much pain she had been in after Sadie's birth.
"But Sadie was a big baby. Most babies are smaller than that." She tried to argue, but her tone was much softer now that he was finally speaking. She had almost forgotten how horrible Sadie's birth had been, but all that pain was something she was willing to take if it meant another baby.
"She was almost 10 pounds." Blake reminded her, not wanting to think about the image of Sadie's enormous head tearing her open. "There's a very good chance another baby will be even bigger."
Miranda wasn't sure how she could argue this, but she was still giving it a go.
"But I'm the one that has to get it out. It's my vagina."
"I know it is, but I don't want to see you have to do that again." He argued and Miranda groaned. She understood that he was saying this out of concern, but she was annoyed that it had taken this long to have this conversation.
"Blake, we can't decide not to have another baby just because you're worried that I might struggle in the delivery room. I will get the next baby out just like I got Sadie out." She said firmly, but Blake had his eyes closed and he was shuddering just thinking of the way she had cried in pain as they stitched her up.
"Sadie got stuck because you weren't stretching enough. What is this baby get's stuck too?" He asked quietly and Miranda sighed.
"If we do have another baby, there is always the chance that he or she might be even bigger than Sadie, but we it will work out. We make big babies, there's nothing we can do about that."
Miranda sat and watched Blake's face as he mulled it over in his head. She wasn't going to give up on this. She had a really hard time delivering Sadie and she hated to remember how much pain she was in as that baby tore her open, but she had gotten something so amazing out of it. All the tears and stitches and infected milk ducts had been worth it and she was sure it would be worth it a second time. When Blake didn't say anything, Miranda knew she had to do more to assure him.
"Blake, come on, just think logically. IF this baby is bigger, I will try as hard as humanly possible to get him or her out naturally, but IF this baby gets stuck, the Doctors and Midwives are trained to deal with that. I will be fine and that baby will be fine." She tried but he still wasn't having it.
In his head, Blake was remembering how she had cried her eyes out that first time they had tried having sex again. He was remembering how she had bled and he had hated himself for hurting her after all she had been through. Miranda knew she wasn't convincing him, but she had an idea for a different tactic. She quickly stood up and grabbed her phone off the bench. When she was sitting down again, she unlocked it and scrolled way back to some of the first photos on her camera roll. When she found a couple that she wanted, she clicked on one and held it up for Blake to look at.
In the photo, Miranda was still on the delivery table, her legs spread open, but the mess below hidden from view of the photo. They had gunkier photo's, but they knew security on iPhones wasn't great and they had those hidden where nobody could ever view them. Miranda was on her back with her head bend down to look at the pink blob of a person who was having her airways suctioned out on her bare chest. Blake looked over the photo and he knew what she was trying to do, but all he could see in that photo was the exhaustion in his wife's face and the bloody sheets under her crotch.
Miranda sighed and flicked to the next photo, seeing a slight smile form at the edges of Blake's lips. This photo was closer up and Blake could see his wife still on that delivery table, but her tired face was focused on Sadie's new chubby little body. Sadie was covered in trails of blood and fluids, but her blue eyes were open as she squirmed on Miranda's naked chest. Blake finally gave a little smile as he looked over the rolls on Sadie's newborn body. She sure was a big baby. It was what he both loved and loathed about her as a baby. He hated how big she was in relativity to his wife's groin, she had only fit with a hell of a lot of pain, but he was a sucker for those droopy cheeks and her chunky thighs.
Miranda could see that Blake was starting to see sense, so she flipped to the next photo and breathed a huge sigh of relief when Blake smiled immediately. The next photo was one of his favourites. He could look at it forever. In that photo, 3 years and a few months ago, Blake was sitting in a hospital chair in Miranda's room in the postpartum ward. He had a freshly bathed Sadie laying across his forearm and she was dressed in her diaper and a light pink onesie. Blake was staring down at her with completely admiration in his eyes as Sadie focused on his face, her lips pouted out a ridiculous amount. Blake remembered that night, after Miranda had given in to her exhaustion and Blake was left with Sadie for the first time. His Mom had snuck that photo before she went home and he was so grateful that she had. It was the first time he and Sadie had really bonded. He remembered how floppy she had felt and how he gripped on to her like she was made of butter. Her little bits of blonde hair were spiked up after her first bath and Blake smiled as he examined the photo and remembered how she had drifted off to the sound of his voice, nervously whispering to her in the dark room. He had spent hours watching her fat tummy rise and fall, something he still did when she had drifted off to sleep.
"See?" Miranda finally interrupted, locking her phone and sitting it on the table. "You remember those first few days. Sure, it hurt, but look what we have now."
Blake sighed and tried to hide the smile on his face. He knew this was an argument he would lose. He wanted another baby as much as she did, but he couldn't stand the thought that another birth could be even worse than the last. However, he loved Sadie with everything he had and he knew deep down, past all his hesitation and worry, that he would never deprive his wife of another child. He wanted to bring up the subject of pain relief, but he knew Miranda was dead set against it. He didn't really understand why, but that wasn't his decision to make.
When Blake sighed loudly, Miranda new he was surrendering and she smiled to herself, her heart beating faster at the thought of having another little one, but she wasn't done with this argument yet. She still had a few bones to pick with him.
"Thank you." She said carefully, knowing he was giving in and Blake sighed and nodded, thinking this argument was over, but Miranda was just getting started.