Please listen to music linked with chapter
After a long quiet ride back to Wakanda I carried Analise out to see T'challa. Analise was very shy and seemingly uncomfortable with male figures at the moment. She kept her head hidden and I mentioned her shyness to him. He completely understood. Harper came out to say hello too and shortly after we the small introduction Erik and I went back to my house. I unlocked the door and stepped inside, letting Erik see my place for the first time ever.
" Look LiLi. This is your new house ", I showed her inside and Erik sat her backpack on the couch. I let go of her hand and let her walk around the house freely. Still timid, she walked around the living room before going to sit on the couch.
" Juice ? ", she says. I guess she was planning on making herself comfortable. I laughed and went into the kitchen to see if I had anything she'd might like.
Thankfully I had something and I gave it to her in a small cup she could hold.
" Do you want something to drink ? ", I ask Erik politely. He was busy looking around the house and seemed a bit startled when I got his attention.
" Nah..I'm good. Thanks though ", he said.
" Analise why don't you watch some cartoons while me and uncle Erik talk okay ? ", I offered. She agreed and I turned on some cartoons for her. That seemed to keep her preoccupied while Erik and I sat at my kitchen table just in the next room.
" I need to make a list ", I look around my kitchen for pen and paper.
" Here we goooo ", Erik sulked.
" What ??", I asked guiltily.
" You and these damn lists. You used to make them all the time when we first got together ", He reminded me.
" I did didn't I....why'd I stop ? ", I chuckled pulling out a pen and pad from a spare drawer.
" I taught you how to go with the flow ", he credited himself.
" No you taught me how to be an agent of chaos like you. That's what it was ", I smiled remembering those times.
" Yeah yeah nigga ", he shooed my playful insults off.
" So I was thinking instead of getting her a mattress I could possibly get her a heavily cushioned futon that can fold up ? Something portable and something that doesn't take up space ? ", I shot the idea by him.
" Yeah sure I guess ", he shrugged.
Children's futon.
" I think you should get her one for your house too. How much space do you have ? ", I asked.
" Come over and see ", he said slyly.
" I will rob you ", I looked at him with a black face. His smirk dropped.
" I taught you how to rob ", he retorts.
" And I did it better than you so what's your point Mr. Stevens ? ", I ask.
" You only did it better because you're all flexible and tiny. Let's get that straight. Your size gets you through places...moonwalker ", he argued.
" No I'm just better at it & I'm not even that tiny. I'm like 5 ft 7 you're just...a fucking juice head ", I sneered. He squints at me.
" Well that bubble ass of yours weighed you down cause you damn sure weren't leaving the scene before me. That's why I had to pick you up after that casino heist. Slow poke ", he jabbed. I rolled my eyes harshly.
" Any-fucking ways. We need to make a list of the things she needs immediately ", I stress.
" Alright fine. Ummm. Clothes, shoes, food for both of our houses. She needs entertainment like movies, toys ect. That's it ", he finished. My face fell flat once I realized this was going nowhere.
" I'll make the list myself then ", I pushed the pin and paper aside.
" How soon should she come over to my house ? I mean she doesn't seem to be all that comfortable with me to be honest ", he adds.
" I'll keep her here until she's comfortable with you and you can come over for about an hour or two a couple times a week to get her used to you. I don't want to pull her from one extreme and throw her into another. She does seem to have a disdain for men at the moment, and rightfully so. Y'all are kinda garbage so ....", I tease. Erik scoffs.
" I have a retort for that but it'll put you in your feelings and it's best we stay friendly ", he chimes.
" I doubt that but sure, yeah ", I giggle annoyingly.
" I have work the day after tomorrow. We should go get this stuff for her soon so that I can help you carry and load the things into the house ", he suggests.
" You....wanted to help me with that ? ", I ask in a surprised tone.
" I mean yeah. I did say I'd be here. What good am I letting you carry out a futon and all her other stuff just so you can put it together alone ? ", he looked at me dumbly.
" Okay but I'm just warning you....she's going to be trying on a lot of sparkly stuffy and shoes and everything in between. It's boring ", I cautioned.
" You used to drag me to buy your shoes almost every other week. I've built up a tolerance ", he crossed his arms defensively.
" I wasn't that bad ", I spat.
" Whatever you say bruh ", he shrugged.
" I want her to take a nap first before we go. The last thing we want is her cranky ", I insist. Erik doesn't respond and instead pulls out his phone meaning he intended to stay for her nap. I got up and tried to fix Analise something to eat.
Eggs and bacon with cut up pieces of toast would keep her for now. I served the her food and she ate and drank quietly with her eyes glued to the tv. I sat and watched it with her, just getting her comfortable around my presence. Pretty soon I scooped her up and laid her against me until she ended up drifting off to sleep. I pulled a blanket from one of my storage closets and rested it over her as she slept peacefully on the couch. I walked back to the kitchen and sat across from Erik.
" She's asleep ", I said. He nodded quietly turning off his kimoyo. There was a thick silence between us as we eyed each other cautiously now that Analise was napping. What now when she wasn't a commonality ? What did we talk about when she wasn't a priority ? Why did I want to talk more but not know what to say ? He looked like he wanted to say something too but what ?
I clearly looked like I had my guard up and for good reason. I didn't know what would come out of his mouth next. His eyes were piercing into me and I could see the wheels turning in his head. I felt so anxious around him but most times I could suppress it or mask it with a joke. I unfold my arms trying not to make him uncomfortable around me.
" You can relax your shoulders too ", he chimes. I roll my eyes.
" How thoughtful of you ", my shoulders relax.
" I noticed something ", his eyes narrow past me. I stare at him in an alarmed fashion and I didn't know why. I sort of felt like I was in trouble for a second when I realized he was looking at my fridge.
" Who's that ? ", he points at a picture with me and Ade on my fridge. It was us on our 4th date at a carnival. His lips were on my cheek and I was smiling widely into the camera . A moment of bliss I captured in what I expected to be an innocent smiling photo. I turned around to look at it.
" Oh, that's Ade ", my heart raced. His eyes studied the picture and I couldn't even read him. His face was just blank, void of emotion. His eyes slowly shifted back to me.
" Ade ....? ", he continues.
" Ade Abara ...", I played dumb.
" That's ya' nigga ? I mean you looking around like you don't know who it is ? ", he scuffed playfully. There was a playfully glint in his eye but it wasn't playfully. It was anger. Erik was the type to smile when he was angry just to throw you off. He's a viper. It was bitterness. I knew better.
" Y-Yeah he's my boyfriend ", I insist.
" Hmmm ", he nods to himself.
" Yeah I've been seeing him consistently for about 5 months now. Almost 6 ", I explain.
" Ah ", he replies with a short remark. I could see the anger stirring in him now as he clenched and unclenched his jaw a few times.
" A-Are you seeing anyone ? ", I asked hopefully. I figured it was only right to ask since he asked but I was petrified of his answer.
" Nah. Not really ", he shrugged becoming distant.
" Not really ? ", I repeat.
" Uh yeah...I haven't really been interested in dating when I'm busy trying to sort my shit out ", he snapped.
" I mean..that doesn't mean that you can't have fun. That's what I'm doing... ", I shrug.
" I can see that. Our priorities are a bit different. I don't really have time to explain my schedule or my issues to some random bitch ", he blurts.
" Well that's never stopped you before ", I sneer bitterly. His eyes snap back to me and I immediately regretted what I said, sitting up straighter and crossing my arms again. He stares me down intensely, so intensely that it was almost like he forced my eyes to look into his. It didn't even feel good talking to him like that, but it slipped out.
" So that's what this is gonna' be like ? Everytime I come around you'll remind me of some shit I did when I'm trying to get somewhere ? At this rate do you even want me to become a better person ? Or do you want to keep stomping on me, out of your own anger towards me so that you can feel better when I'm around ...? ", he accuses. Now I was just embarrassed, I could feel my face heating up on the inside.
" I know exactly what you're trying to do. I can see it...you think because I'm dating someone that my priorities aren't in place ? That I'm just wilding out and getting fucked around the city so I can feel better about your absence. I know exactly what you're implying. I've been doing the work, I'm still doing the work— ", I get defensive.
" It's crazy how communication works ain't it ? You think that because I mentioned my priorities that I believe yours aren't straight. If you hadn't said anything you would have believed that ? You would have made your own assumptions without actually asking me how I felt ", he spat.
" I know exactly how you feel ", I sneer.
" No the FUCK you actually don't. So ask ", he pushes. I cross my arms stubbornly looking past him.
" How do you feel ...", I ask cautiously. I kinda' wanted to cry...but I'd been doing that a lot lately.
" I feel guilty that after us being together for almost 7 years....you're catapulting towards your goals in months time after I finally let you go. You look happier in that photo than you ever have with me. Hell.....I don't even think we took pictures often. Let alone.....smiled in them ", he confessed softly. There was a wounded infliction in his voice. It hurt me too. I feel guilty, staring back at him.
" And no... I haven't seen anyone lately. I could...I have in the past... but I'll be chasing you in other people for the rest of my life. I'll save myself the disappointment ", he blurted.
" Erik....", I trailed. He talked over me.
" I was dead weight. Fuck it. That's what I was. It's over now...Let's change the subject. There's no point in us arguing when the subject at hand is Analise. She's the reason we're here. Why I'm here- ", he redirected the conversation. I sighed and rolled a tired hand over my face. I let out an audible yawn.
" I'm going to sleep in my bed. Stay, leave I don't care. I'll be up in two hours and then we can go to the mall and get the stuff ", I get up groggily from jet lag. He stayed seated, watching me kick off my shoes and place them on a shoe rack by the door. I shuffled toward my bedroom in the back of the house. I stripped off my clothes and took a quick shower before collapsing in my bed in just my bra and underwear, burying myself under my comforter.
——
I'm woken up by a tugging sensation on my hair. I crack my eyes open to see Analise tugging on my hair and softly patting my cheek.
" Hi honey ", I said groggily. She sits back turning her head to observe me. Analise looks back towards the door. I peep over my mountain of covers to see Erik leaning against the doorframe. I stayed under the covers.
" I'm up. Just give me like five minutes ", I warn Erik.
I sit up clutching my comforter to my chest. Erik motions for Analise and strangely enough she listens, looking back at me as she walks out the door. They close it and I get up finding some jeans and a graphic Tee to hop into. I pulled my hair back into a slick bun and accentuated my outfit with thin gold chains and rings. I grab my purse and keys heading towards the living room. Erik puts Analise's shoes on for her. She is still clearly shy but she quietly lets him assist her. He ties he shoes and pulls her socks up her ankles for her. I watch endearingly as he grabs her hand and she gets up with him. I snap out of my trance and I head out the door quietly walking towards my car. Erik offers to drive, I cautiously let him. I still feel pretty tired but he didn't seem tired in the least.
He pulls off heading towards an actual shopping mall that I hadn't even been to yet. While we drove he turned on the radio softly. If I closed my eyes long enough it would feel like dejavu from the old days. We'd be riding in his car listening to rap or some old r&b song after a long day of shopping and eating fried Sunday brunch. Those small increments where we felt greatful to be with one another. Who would have thought we didn't make it to the end ? I rested my head against the window catching up on sleep. The car stops and I wake up to Erik opening the car door for Analise and unbuckling her out of her car seat. I grab my purse and get out.
We approached a huge mall, and I knew that Analise would need some sort of stroller or cart. I got a small child buggy from nearby and Erik took control of the entire situation. He picked her up and sat her in the stroller before strapping her in quickly. The straps were a bit complicated and they required a lot of pulling and adjusting to ensure the child didn't fly out. I was amazed to see that he even knew how to do the straps but then I realized we had similar childhoods. At some point he likely had to watch over a smaller kid.
Silently we walked towards the entrance. I was astonished by how the inside of it looked. It was gorgeous and it sort of looked like a cross between a resort, museum & indoor theme park. Erik and I made our way to the first children's boutique we saw. Rolling into the store I felt like I was entering foreign lands. I'd never shopped for a child before, let alone a growing one. Was I suppose to get her measurements before hand ? How much was I suppose to buy considering she was still growing ? We walked around the store and I tried to find a few things she might not mind wearing.
I just started grabbing things I thought was her size and had her try on a shirts and pants just to see what her size was. Once I got the right measurements I played a guessing game. Erik was quiet and patient pushing her toddler stroller wherever I went . I knew it was only a matter of time before she wanted to get out. I left the checkout with a lot more clothes than I realized I'd picked up. The cashier tried to ring me up quickly. I looked at the total stunned. It wasn't like I was hurting for money either, it was just that I didn't realize how expensive kids clothes were.
" 3,195. 52 ", The cashier told me the total knowing I was looking right at the green number on the screen. I dig into my purse and pulled out my card. A large arm extended past my face and handed the woman a card. I was about to protest but she swiped it quickly.
" Ey-I didn't need you to do that ", I snapped at him lowly.
" She's my kid too now, right ? I guess it's not really about you then ? ", he grabbed his card back and typed in his PIN number.
" Have a great day ", The cashier smiled at us both as Erik took the bags. I walked out with him behind me.
" I'm going to take these to the car and I'll be right back. Stay here ", I insist.
I lug the items into the car and then walk back inside. Erik and Analise came into my vision. Erik was on his phone sitting down at the bench in front of her. He stands up when he sees me and we start walking deeper into the mall. I find a children's shoe store and just as I'm making my way inside, I smell a familiar cologne. I look around thinking Ade was near and to my surprise he was.
" Bia? Hey ", he said. Looking down next to him I see a little girl with two large Afro puffs and a monochromatic colored outfit on. Her round eyes were similar to Ade's but they were light brown compared to his dark ones. I smile nervously at him. This didn't look good. Even though Ade knew the situation, I was walking around the mall with a man pushing a small child store stroller behind me like a little family. Ade's eyes roam Analise momentarily before they meet Erik's behind me. I look between the two of them and the exchange was silent but less than pleasant. Erik fixed his intense large eyes on Ade and they didn't leave him. Ade's jaw clinched before he returned my gaze.
" Hi ", I squeaked. He looks a bit shaken up for a second. That's when I realized that he knew who Erik was.
" Hey....uhhh. Can I talk to you for a second ? ", he whispers to me.
" Yeah go ahead and talk to your lil boyfriend Bia. I'll take Analise inside ", he chuckled slightly but it was anything BUT funny. His eyes rested on Ade for a few seconds in a very intimidating manner before he walked further into the entrance. He pushed her stroller passed the little girl with the large brown eyes. Ade instructed her to go sit at a bench just a few feet away, just out of ear shot. She did as he said.
" Sorry about him he's...a little difficult sometimes. What's going on ? ", I couldn't stop staring at the little girl in my peripheral. She was adorably cute but it wasn't that. She looked just like Ade. To the point that I wanted to ask if it was one of his sisters or brothers.
" Before you ask yes...she's my daughter ", he blurted . My stomach sank for some reason. I didn't have a problem with kids. I couldn't judge now that I was a legal guardian and if I did this parent thing right, I could possibly be called mom in the near future.
" Oh...I didn't know you had any kids. Would have been nice to know ", I shook my head in disappointment.
" And I'm sorry about that. I make it my business not to let anyone know about her until I'm serious with them. When someone commits to me they commit to my daughter. I don't like to cause confusion for her so I keep the people I date separate from her until it gets very serious. It's for her protection ", he explains.
" And I admire that, believe me I do. But it still would have been nice to know ", I snort.
" I'm sorry. I was going to tell you soon, I was. I pushed it off because I didn't know how long things would last between us ", he said.
" Well it's been about 5-6 months. I'd say it's going pretty strong unlesss....", I trailed off.
" I really....really like you Bia. I do. There's been alot of things I've been wanting to talk to you about regarding our situation. However....who is that man to you ? ", he asks cautiously. He looks back into the store and I follow his eyes. Erik is staring hardly at Ade while grabbing a pair of shoes Analise threw on the floor.
" He's....my friend. He agreed to help me out with my god daughter ", I explain.
" I know WHO he is. He was briefly the former king and a lot of people feared him Bia. I fear for your safety. That man is NOT well. We have to get you and that child out of here ", he grabbed my hand. I pulled away.
" Nono I mean, I've known Erik for almost 8 years. We met in college. We're old friends. I'm safe ", I explain urgently. Ade shook his head.
" That man is a murderer Bia ", he said more urgently. My stomach dropped again but for different reasons. Particularly reasons I missed.
Oh he's a murderer alright....
" Yes yes I'm aware. However the King has been working on rehabilitating him. He's a changed man, trust me. He's stable. I'm safe, my god daughter is safe. I'd never put her in that situation ", I stressed. Ade ran a stressed hand over his face.
" If he's holding you hostage you can tell me ", he urged. I let out a large chuckle.
God, if only he knew.
" I can handle myself. I'm okay. Trust me Ade. I think it's so sweet you care that much. Your daughter looks just like you by the way ", I changed the topic. His expression lightened as he scratched the back of his head shyly. He turned to her and motioned for her to come over. She walks over and grabbed his hand while looking up at me. I smiled at her waiting for him to introduce us.
" Leanne. This is miss Bia. Baba's friend ", he introduced us. I squat down to her level and shake her hand. I didn't mind the introduction. She's a kid and also I would have done the same with Analise.
" I like your hair ", I compliment her. She smiles shyly at me.
" Thankyou ", she mutters quietly. She looked no older than about 8 years old. My phone buzzes and I have an alert.
" Maybe: Erik wants to share an album with you "
I look at my phone strangely. I open it further and in big letters, revealed over a picture of Analise struggling to get out of her stroller spells.
" Analise has to shit. Hurry up "
My face drops in annoyance before I put it away.
" I have to go unfortunately. It was very nice meeting you Leanne. I'll see you later Ade ", I smile at her. She waves and Ade nods knowingly. I walk back into the store to see Erik and Analise. She was tugging at her restraints.
" I need to Potty ", she warns. I take her out. She says she has to pee. Erik exaggerated to rush me. I shake my head escorting her to the family restrooms.
Coming back to the shoe store Erik is looking more irritated than ever. I'd save my scolding for after the trip. I picked out Analise a multitude of shoes and this time I paid for them before he could. We finished getting her clothes. At some point we had to stop because she's a growing girl. The rest of what we got was her own stuff. Her own toothpaste, hair products, bath sets, pajamas, toys and furniture. He intimidated me out of buying the rest of her things.
By the end of it Analise was very frustrated. We fed her, even tried to get her to nap in the stroller but she insisted on getting out. When we let her walk around she'd try take off into busy walk ways. I once read how small children had a hard time managing and regulating their emotions. Whatever emotion they felt, they felt it intensely. When they started crying or screaming, it didn't come from a manipulative or mean place. A lot of times they were genuinely losing control and they needed help calming down.
It still didn't stop the embarrassment of strangers looking at you when you were holding a screaming child. We retired for the day and headed back to the car. Erik loaded up everything while I tried buckling her up into her car seat. The minute I sat her down she started kicking. I backed away starting to panick myself. I knew I couldn't hit her.
She literally just lost her mother and was living in a foster home, one of which I pulled her out of. Children needed a routine and she didn't have one. I'm sure she was even a bit frightened with the change of scenery. Who knows the large emotions she was trying to sort through. I was stuck between being stern and not causing her anymore trauma.
" Should we beat her ass ? ", he asked me. Erik watched her strangely thrash in her car seat.
" No...Erik. Just let her tire herself out, she needs time to adjust ", I looked at her guiltily, trailing behind Erik's path to the car. I watched as he readjusted Analise's squirming body and started to buckle her up. He grabbed a napkin from the glove department and wiped her snotty nose and face. He handed her a sippy cup full of water and pressed it to her lips. Strangely enough she paused what she was doing and started drinking from the cup while looking at him strangely.
" You need a minute sis ? ", he asked her, raising an eyebrow at her. She pulled the sippy from her mouth and just stared at him with slightly furrowed brows, inspecting his face and probably wondering why it was so close to hers.
" Look miss mama's, kicking and screaming isn't going to change anything alright ? Trust me when I say that Aunt BB and myself want to kick and scream and cry too. Maybe me more so than her, but you don't see me putting on an Oscar winning viola davis snot cry performance do you ? If you relax we can get you home and we can watch some cartoons and eat some good food that your aunt made...but we can't do that if you're surround sounding our ear drums with your screams of terror and distress. You see, we vibing right now. We ain't' on that type of time. We need you to vibe too ", he explained in the most Oakland accent I've ever heard from him. It came out from time to time. I don't even think he realized he did it sometimes. He chuckled at her expression and shut the door. I stood back impressed giving him a slow clap.
" So when were you going to tell me that you're a natural at this ? ", I ask.
" I wouldn't say a natural. I think I just intimidated her into stopping ", he grabbed the keys from me and we drove back to my place. Analise was very quiet by the time we got home and seemingly pretty tired. When we got inside I took her out of her carseat and directed her towards the couch. She falls asleep almost immediately. I help Erik unload the car bringing in all the stuff we bought today. He puts together her cot for me.
" Thanks for all your help today....I uh...I appreciate you sticking around ", I thank him. We sat on the living room floor in front of the television using the bottom of the couch as support.
" No problem ", he muttered.
" Did you wanna' stay for dinner ? ", I ask. He seemed hesitant almost. I honestly thought he'd decline but he nodded silently.
I played it safe since I didn't know what Analise would be willing to eat. When we grabbed a bite to eat earlier she only ate the chicken and the sweet potato fries. She didn't really seem to want anything else. I decided to play it safe and make something I knew someone her age would eat. Baked chicken, Mac and cheese and green beans. I knew she didn't mind green beans, especially when they were cooked soft in a meat broth. Destiny always used to sneak in her vegetables by cooking them with a lot of flavor. I guess analise had a healthy food sensor and if it tasted wholesome, she'd spit it right back out.
As I prepped the food in the kitchen I thought the day over. Ade now knew I was connected with Erik. I wondered if he saw me differently because of it. Seeing Ade's reaction to Erik just reminded me of the fear he instilled into Wakanda. I was thinking about how he could spend the rest of the his life on egg shells here, working to repair what had been broken with this country. Was it cruel to want him to stay here ? He was a free man. If he wanted to leave he certainly would have. Ade looked even more weirded out that I wasn't afraid. I guess I didn't have the right to judge now did I ? We may not have committed the same crimes but we were definitely two peas in a pod at one point.
" Do you need any help ? ", he called from the living room.
" I got it ", I said, pulling the Mac & cheese dish from the oven. When dinner was ready I cut up Ana's food and set the table.
" You understand how horrible it is going 6 months without your food ? ", Erik ask with a full mouth. A small smile spreads across my lips watching him eat.
" You could like your own food if you put a little effort into it ", I add.
" The sad part is that I have. It's a mind thing.... at least I think it is ", he said.
In the middle of our banter Analise starts talking the most she has since she's been with us. She goes into this wild elaborate story about what I presume is her imaginary friend. I could barely understand her between her chewing and her wild expressions with her hands. Her tiny voice didn't make understanding her any easier but it was quite the sight to see. I couldn't contain my grin as she gossiped about her friend.
" Berry ! He made he take the stuff !", she exclaimed.
" Berry? Your friend ? ", I asked.
" Yes! He made me take the crayons because he told me he needed them ", she explained. She was referring to an old story of her daycare adventures back in newyork.
" Did you tell berry no ? ", I ask.
" Yes ! He was sad if I didn't do it. Then I got in trouble for it ?! ", she exclaimed.
" Well..I think you need to talk to berry and let him know that if he wants the crayons next time, he should ask for them. Taking things without permission is very bad right ? ", I ask her. She nodded knowingly.
" Hmm. Seems like you could take a page out of that book, couldn't you auntie Bia ? ", Erik snorted in between chewing. I shot him a dirty look.
" So could uncle Erik. Uncle Erik used to take things without permission ", I explained to her. Her eyes widened.
" That's bad ", Analise shook her head frantically.
" Yeah. Got my ass beat for it, but then I started whooping ass. If you can beat em, it's yours ", he scoffed. I nearly chocked. Analise's hands flew to her mouth laughing from Erik's profanity. I rolled my eyes.
" Bad word ! ", she yelled In a giggle.
" Uncle E has a potty mouth ", I gasp too.
" Yeah well these are important life lessons ", Erik said defensively.
After we were done eating I grabbed the plates and set them on the counter. I went to wash the dishes but Erik offered to do them while I got Analise ready for bed. I found a nice place to put Analise's cot and set it up for her. I could hear the dish water sloshing as I talked to Analise about where she was sleeping tonight. She wanted her dessert before her bath so I agreed. I filled her bathtub up with water and went back out into the kitchen to get her a scoop of ice cream. She sat on the couch as I watched Erik put the dishes away.
" When do I go home ? ", Analise asked innocently. I could see Erik pause from afar. I froze.
" Aren't you having fun with me and uncle Erik ? ", I ask.
" Yeah but Ms. Martha ...", she trailed off.
" Wouldn't you like to stay here with me for awhile ?I would love it if you stayed with me ", I asked. She looked at me with a sketchy expression as if she was trying to figure out why she was here.
" Okay...", she said while warily looking at me. Erik relaxed and continued washing the dishes.
" Do you miss, Ms.Martha ? ", I asked. She nodded while spilling ice cream down her chin.
"Did Miss Martha take good care of you ? ", I asked further. She nodded again.
Guilt. Erik could surprisingly sense it. Turning around to look at me. Did I pull her out of something good ?
" But you and Aunt B are gonna have fun and you'll have your own stuff ", Erik called out to Analise. She was too busy with her ice cream. After she was done I gave the bowl to Erik and put her in the bath. After helping her a bit, I dried her off and helped her brush her teeth. After she was dressed for bed I took her hair out of it's ponytail and sectioned it into four loose, soft twists before putting her bonnet on.
" Can you say goodnight to uncle Erik today ? He helped buy most of your stuff ", I whispered to her. She looked nervously at him as he washed the soap off his hands and dried them.
" Goodnight ", she said shyly.
" Night rugrat ", he grinned at her. I saw a small smile spread across her face as I walked her down the hallway and Into my bedroom where she'd sleep. I sat there with her a few minutes letting her talk about her toddler things. She ended up talking herself to sleep in about 5 minutes. I cut the light off and walked out to see Erik on the couch. I sat beside him on the couch and yawned before pulling my hair out of it's ponytail.
" Do you want a drink ? ", I asked him. He tensed up still assuming I had a major problem.
" Yeah...I'm down one drink a day. Some days I don't even drink with enough will power ", I blurt. I could see relief wash over him.
" Damn...I'm happy you got that under control B, I really am. I was really worried ", he confessed.
" Yeah ...well. I think it's safe to say that I've got it under control now. It took a few months to be honest. I was stuck at 3 glasses a day for awhile. Wine only. Not to mention there were times I didn't even want wine but my therapist suggested red wine. I've been able to taper off pretty well. My next goal is to not have a sip for a week. I don't know how successful I'll be with that if Analise throws another fit to be honest ", I chuckle.
" She acts out...call me ", he said.
" And scare the poor child to death when she's already scared of you ? ", I laugh.
" Look. Somebody's gotta' be the disciplinarian. To be honest I thought it would be you ", he confessed.
" Why ? Because I'm a hard ass ? ", I joked.
" Because you take other people's well being so seriously....", he admits.
" And what about your well being ? ", I asked.
" What about it ", he rose his eyebrow.
" Are you okay ? Like really okay ? ", I push.
" I'm pretty stable right now. I'm in the middle. I haven't been in the middle in awhile ", he explains.
" I'm happy to hear that ", I grin.
" Yeah. Honestly I didn't think I'd be able to say that a few months ago...especially after our talk. I felt worse afterwards. It got bad before it started to level out...but once I started being more truthful with the doctor she realized something ...", he nervously rubbed his neck.
" What....", I rest my hand in his lap. His eyes lit up at the exchange before they settled on my hand.
" That...I have Mild PTSD. That's pretty surprising after all I've been through. I attribute the mildness to the mental walls I've put up all these years but yeah...that's me I guess ", he confessed.
In that moment all I could think to do was hug him and so I did. I flew my arms around his neck and shoulders and squeezed him tightly. I instantly new I shouldn't have done that the moment the side of his cheek met the side of mine.
Our touch was still just as magnetic as it always had been. In fact...it felt stronger than before. I was covered in chills when I smelt his cologne and felt the increased hardness of his body. He still ran warm too and it fogged my mind the way our bodies fit together. This is why I insisted on us being apart. I could feel how easy it would be for the both of us to get carried away by a single glance. That's why I wanted him out of my life.
I was getting drunk off of the way our skin met. What put the nail in the coffin is when his hand came up and reached into my hair and sealed against the back of my neck. He held me there on purpose. My squeeze became tighter and my head fell into the crook of his neck. I could probably drown in his smell if I so desired.
" I'm really sorry ", I muttered.
And to him he probably thought I was apologizing about his diagnosis, which I was sorry about. But that sorry was more than just a sorry about what he's been through. It was a sorry that I didn't touch him sooner. It was a sorry for acting like he carried a disease when he was around. My avoidance. This was all I wanted to do since I saw him in the office.
I don't know how long we held each other. Minute by minute it became more inappropriate and minute by minute we sank into one another and held each other tighter. Eventually we had to let go...I wasn't ready to face the aftermath of that. The realization that maybe we took it to far but damn...
It felt too right to be wrong for a second. For a second I forgot I was in a committed relationship but then reality hit. I was in his lap....he was literally cradling me in his lap and we were chest to chest. I could feel his heartbeat against mine. His was beating hard. I slowly removed my face from his neck and pull away slowly. He knew it was over and before I could get away he cradled my face in his hands. His eyes roamed over the entirety of my face before they landed on my lips. He wanted to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me. He looked like he was seconds away from doing it. He slowly started to lean in.
" Don't ", I whispered. He paused just before my lips. This was fucking killing me. Literal torture.
" Give me one good reason ", he rasped.
" Be-cause I have a boyfriend ", I struggled to let the words past my lips. He traced them softly with his thumb.
" Who didn't have the decency to let you know that he has a kid ", he chuckled darkly. We're forehead to forehead now and my desire was clawing at me.
" You don't know him like I do ", I choked.
" He doesn't know you like I do. He'll end up hurting you...better yet you'll hurt him by trying to protect him from who you were. You think he knows I trained you to kill? I know you didn't tell him the whole truth. He can't handle you and He's not good dude ....", he teased.
" And you are ? ", I scoffed. Whatever hypnotism he had me under started to crack very slowly.
" I'm home...", he said. I paused. I could feel tears welling in my eyes. The more he stared the more he could see the shine and glimmer of them. He looked at my lips one more time.
" no ...", I whispered. He regrettably let my face go and I slowly slid of his lap. He stood up and grabbed his keys from the kitchen table before walking out the door and leaving.
I heard his car start up and drive away. I let out a big gush of air. I don't think I was breathing for a whole five minutes. A part of me wished he did it anyway but I was headed down a slippery slope. I couldn't deal with two men at a time. I felt that me and Ade were still worth working on. He was nothing but a gentleman to me but Eriks word rang in my head....
Did he know something about Ade ? Or was he just jealous ? I didn't know. I didn't know anything right now. Truthfully what I wanted was to be brought down from my now TENSE state...preferably by Erik. Yet..he did what I asked him to do. No matter how much I wanted him to do the exact opposite ....
End of chapter 19
Things are seriously heating up between Erik and Bia in each passing moment. How do we feel about Ade ? Do you think Erik is keeping something a secret regarding Ade ? Or is Erik just jealous ?
Child's photo is @iamkrich on instagram but I've decided to crop out her face for privacy purposes.