Technically this isn't a real update it is basically the last two chapters in Luke's POV, but you guys have been so amazing lately that I wanted to give you something extra! But I guess this counts as a semi update(;
Luke's POV
My fingers brushed over the strings to my guitar, playing around with the chords until I found a soft melody that fit my mood.
"I thought about our last kiss, how it felt, the way you tasted," I sung softly to myself before scribbling the words down into my open notebook.
Music was the only way I could figure out what I was feeling. It started off as a verse or two that crept into my mind late that night after everything had happened, but then more bits and pieces began to formulate. Now here I was huddled up in my bed, guitar in my lap, trying to fill in the holes of these lyrics. These lyrics that I somehow managed to write.
It was everything I was feeling, everything I couldn't say aloud.
There was a soft knock on my door. Looking up, Michael was standing self-consciously in the doorway, looking at me with nervousness. Things were a bit awkward between us ever since he apologized. I hadn't brought it up, but he knows that I heard. I can just tell. Sometimes it just seems easier to ignore problems. If you ignore something long enough, doesn't it just go away?
But he was trying, and I could see that. I just wasn't sure if I was ready to try yet.
"Are you sure you don't want to come?" Michael looked at me with hopeful eyes. I just shook my head before returning back to my guitar. He shrugged, about to turn around to leave, but stopping.
"You know, that song is really good. You should show it to the other boys," he said softly before walking away.
My face flushed, had he really heard me playing? I was singing soft enough that I thought no one could hear me. This song was so...personal. I thought if I showed the boys they would think I was some softie wimp who was too consumed in his feelings that he had to go write a stupid song about it.
I watched as Michael pulled out of the driveway, off to whatever party they were going to this weekend. There was no use in me partying. I wouldn't talk to anyone, and I wouldn't have fun. Nothing was fun anymore.
I stare at the words I've written, hoping the holes would casually fill themselves.
"When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?" I mutter softly. I was the one who said the words that hurt her, yet here I am writing her a song. No, writing me a song. My eyes widen, hey that actually works. I fill that in, cramming the words between the faded lines. I had let this project absorb me for the past few days. It makes me face the pain, but it helps contain it. It's like with each verse I am passing a part of my hurt into words, and it just stays there, not coming back to me.
My phone buzzed, glancing at the screen I saw it was from Calum.
Ashton is lecturing Maddie on how to get a rebound. It's now or never.
I stared at the screen, my heart stopping for a beat. Shit. Why was she at the party? What if tonight is the night she gets over me? Would that be a bad thing? Shouldn't I be happy?
The thought of another guy touching her, no, looking at her, made me cringe. Isn't this what I wanted, for her to move on so there would be no more complications?
No, this isn't what I wanted.
I get out of bed, stumbling over the piles of clothes on the floor. I ran into Michael's room, stealing a pair of boxers. I slipped them on, with a pair of my black skinny jeans. I dug through the pile of clothes on the floor until I found a semi-clean t-shirt, sliding it on quickly. I nearly fell over trying to slide on my shoes, fucking vans. I didn't even look in the mirror, my mind too preoccupied on getting to the party. I didn't even have a plan yet, all I knew was that I needed her back.
I ran out into the living room, scanning the room quickly before I found my keys under the couch. I grabbed them, slamming the front door behind me as I went to my car.
The engine revved up, I pulled out quickly, not even bothering to look if anyone was behind me.
What's the address, I'm coming, I text Calum quickly. He responds within seconds.
I was tired of pretending this wasn't hurting me.
I turn on the radio, hoping to drown out my thoughts.
I've never told a lie,
and that makes me a liar,
I've never made a bet,
but we gamble with desire,
I've never lit a match,
with intent to start a fire,
but recently the flames,
are getting out of control.
The lyrics pinpoint my feelings. Yet again, music is the only way I can tell what I feel.
I never meant for any of this to happen.
Wait outside,
I hope the air will serve to remind you,
that my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath,
and my words are as timed as the beating in my chest.
Everything I said to her, none of it was true. Just thinking about her believing the words I had rehearsed, the words that ended everything, made me sick. She had to know the truth. I wasn't even considering the consequences.
I was getting impatient, what if she was already at the party? What if some guy was already touching her?
What was I even going to say to her? She probably hates me. I didn't think I would be able to face her without getting emotional. So manly of me.
I finally reached the house, parking my car quickly. Calum texted me that they were on their way into the kitchen. I ran up the grass, ignoring the crowds of people, ignoring anyone trying to get my attention. My mind was so focused on getting to her that it drowned out the music, the voices, and the bodies I was bumping into as I entered the house.
I neared the kitchen, scanning the room until I saw her. Her back was to me, facing some guy. Who the hell was he? He grinned at her, staring at her in a way that made me clench my fists. Ashton caught sight of me, his eyes widening. I just froze, not sure whether to wave or not. My hand sort of had a spasm by my side.
I watched as Ashton tapped Maddie's shoulder, making her turn around. God she was so beautiful, but she looked so...broken. I did this to her, I ruined her. I didn't deserve her. I should really just go.
Her eyes met mine, all I could see was the hurt and betrayal lidded within them. I began to push my way through the crowd, I had to fill those eyes with happiness again. Would I even be able too?
Just as I was about to reach the kitchen I was stopped by small hands grabbing each of my arms. What the fuck?
I turned, there were two girls on each side of me, smiling up at me.
"Hi," they giggled, flipping their hair. They all began rambling off, my mind being overwhelmed with squeals and questions.
"You're the singer from that gig last weekend, right?" the one on my right smiled up at me. I think she said her name was Grace.
"Um, yeah," I mutter, surprised they recognized me. There was barely even anyone at the gig. Plus we sucked that night. No, actually we sucked every night. Sure the crowd looked like they were enjoying themselves, but anyone looks like they are having fun after they've had a few drinks. They all giggled, gripping my arms tighter. I bit the inside of my cheek, glancing back to the kitchen.
I started to panic as I realized Maddie was no longer with Ashton and Calum. I scanned the crowd of people, but she wasn't in the other room.
"So, what's the name of your band?" the blonde on my left smiled up at me, her hand still on my arm. She introduced herself as Chloe.
I had to hold back my irritation. These girls were actually interested in our music, but I couldn't let Maddie slip away like this.
"Uh, we don't really have a name yet," I mumble, my eyes still searching the room. Apparently my answer was funny because the girls erupted into a fit of giggles. I looked at them warily.
"You're the one who uploaded some of those covers, right?" The girl who introduced herself as Casey asked me.
"Yeah," I looked at her questioningly. I didn't think anyone actually watched them.
"Oh my god, I loved when you covered A Drop in the Ocean!" Grace, I think, jumped, squeezing my arm. The other girls squealed in agreement. I just gaped at them, not realizing people had actually been watching me.
"You could actually feel your emotion, I nearly cried," Casey looked at me with wide eyes. I uploaded that cover the day after things ended with Maddie. The song just fit my mood.
"Thanks," I was at a loss for words. I mean I guess I knew when I uploaded the covers that some people would watch them, but I never really thought about it.
They whispered among each other, glancing at me with fluttering eyes. I shuffled my feet around, not really sure what to do or how to get out of this. They were gripping my arm as if it was theirs to keep.
"You are so cute Luke," the blonde, Chloe, smiles up at me. To any other guy she would be considered hot, her top cut low, exposing her stomach, but the only person I could think about was Maddie right now.
"You are, you should totally come hang out with us," her similarly dressed friend tugged on my arm.
"I actually have to go find someone," I can tell my anxiety is beginning to show. This house was so big, how was I going to find her?
"Oh, so you have other girls to see? I'm not surprised with your looks," Chloe smirked looking me up and down. I shifted uncomfortably.
"No," I glared at her, before giving her an apologetic smile. "It's just- I need to find my-"
My? Technically Maddie wasn't mine. She wasn't my anything. "I need to find someone really important," I tapped my foot, panic overpowering me.
"We understand, can we have a picture first though?" Grace smiled. She seemed nice.
"Yeah, of course," Did these girls actually like me? Why? I shrugged off the thought, more important things on my mind. I try my best to not be awkward. I stand with some distance between us, my hands awkwardly at my sides before they pull me close, snapping a few pictures. I just couldn't believe there were people who actually cared about us.
"Are you guys playing again soon?" they ask before I make my much needed exit.
"I dunno, I hope so!" I shrug, smiling at them before casually squirming out of their grips. "If we do, hopefully I will see you there?"
"Of course!" they all giggle in unison.
Now that there was nothing holding me back, I had to find her. The need for her in the pit of my stomach was growing deeper and hungrier.
I pushed through the dancing teenagers, and busy couples until I came into the kitchen. I glanced around, Ashton was making out with some redhead against the counter, and Calum was nowhere to be seen. There was no way I'd find her.
I push my way into the living room where I spot Michael sitting on the couch, playing on his phone. Typical. I was about to call out his name, to ask him if he has seen Maddie, but I stop myself just in time. If he finds out, this whole cycle will start over. If Maddie and I were going to give this another try, he wouldn't be able to know. Neither would Ashton.
I'm acting like Maddie is actually going to listen to me. I'm acting like she is really going to want me back.
I guess part of me has this gut hope that she will run right back into my arms, but I know that is unrealistic. I will face the truth when it hits me. For now, I'll pretend.
I push through groups of people, my height coming to my advantage as I scan over all the sweaty heads. I move from room to room, still no sign of her.
I try to think of where she would've gone, but I'm left lost.
My best bet is to find Calum, and he can help me find her. Two pairs of eyes will help.
I find myself in the downstairs hallway, counting the doors I walk by. There are always parties at this house, and Calum happened to claim a room as his own, well unofficially, on party nights. Sometimes we would just go in there and watch movies, or even play around with some music if we lost the party vibe. Most of the time it was Michael who escaped to the room. Although, Calum had a new habit of bringing girls back. Then again, we've all had those nights. I shudder at the thought, stopping as I find the sixth door down.
I open the door to see Calum's face lit up by his phone screen, the rest of the room was dark.
"Hey, have you seen-"I cut off mid-sentence when I notice another figure on the couch. It was a girl, peacefully asleep. Her lips slightly parted, hair a tangled mess. She was curled up snugly around a blanket. Her legs resting across Calum's lap. But it wasn't just a girl. It was Maddie. "What the hell?" I growled at Calum.
Why the hell was she in here with him?
"She was tired," Calum's voice was cautious. Damn right he better be cautious. "I just wanted to make sure she was safe."
"Why do you care? And why is she laying on you?" My voice strained to remain calm. If she needed someone why wasn't she with Ashton at least? Why didn't Calum just text me? I would've been anywhere in a heartbeat just to be next to her.
"She fell asleep this way!" Calum tried to defend himself. "I know she means a lot to you, to us, so I wanted to make sure she was okay."
To us? Since when did he give a fuck about her? I could feel the anger slowly rising, engulfing my body. I should be grateful that he was here watching over her, but I was jealous. Jealous that I couldn't be the one to watch her fall asleep. To be the one she wanted when she needed help. "To all of us?" I snarl. "Since when do you care about her?"
"Since I realized she is pretty cool," he slurs.
Pretty cool? She is more than pretty cool. She is perfect. She is the sound of my thoughts when I'm asleep. She is the face I see in the constellations.
"How drunk are you?" I snap at him. His bloodshot eyes are enough of an answer for me.
"Why does that matter?" Calum raised his voice.
I know how Calum gets when he is drunk. He doesn't think about anything. I once had to stop him from trying to make out with Michael after a night of drinking.
I just don't understand why he didn't tell me where she was. He knew I came here looking for her. Unless...
"Did you do anything with her?" My voice cracked slightly at the thought. No. He wouldn't have. Even in his drunk state he wouldn't. Right? I catch sight of a half empty bottle of Vodka on the table. Shit.
"Calm your balls," he rolled his eyes, "If it wasn't for me she would be getting assaulted by some creepy ass guy in the hallway."
"What?" I gasp. I felt sick. It was bad enough to see Michael forcing himself on her, the thought of some random guy doing even worse made me cringe. She must've been so scared. I waited for Calum to explain, but he remained silent.
I took a few steps closer, she even looked broken in her sleep, but maybe that was my doing.
Why did she look so lonely even though she was beside him?
I squint at her more closely, my eyes darting back to Calum. "Why are her lips so puffy? Who did she kiss?" I could feel my voice rising along with the anger in me. Tell me I was seeing things. I noticed a small purple mark right underneath her jaw, my stomach dropping.
"Calm down Luke."
"Calum, who did she kiss?" I yelled this time. I was waiting for him to say it. I was waiting so that I could get out of this denial in my head that she wasn't mine. I tried to hide my worry, my hurt, but the thought of someone else touching her lips broke me.
"She was drunk," Calum said nonchalantly.
"Drunk? She was drinking?" I wasn't expecting that. I looked back at the table, seeing two glasses and suddenly my stomach sank. I ruined her. I pushed her to her breaking point.
"Well, what do you expect-"
"It was you. You kissed her, didn't you?" I cut him off. My voice faded into a broken whisper. I waited for him to deny it, still a sliver of hope left.
"Luke we were both drunk, I-"
I shook my head, my heart slowly sinking. Of all the people, I had trusted Calum. He was the one I poured my feelings to. He was the one who came over and comforted me every day. He was the one who told me to come tonight and win her back in the first place. He was supposed to be my friend.
"I trusted you the most," I barely managed to get out before turning around, slamming the door behind me.
I leaned against the wall, looking up at the ceiling.
What was I expecting? Not this, but surely a similar situation. I was the one who let her go.
I had her.
I gave her up.
I lost her.
I deserved this pain.
I pushed my way quickly out of the party, not looking at anyone as I walked by. Tears threatening my eyes as I found my way to my car.
I slammed the door shut behind me, slamming my fist against the steering wheel. I punched the side of the seat, shutting my eyes in anger. Resting my head against the wheel, not able to escape the memories.
Feeling under my seat, my hands clasp around my leather journal. I pull it out, opening up to the lyrics I had been writing.
For a good five or six minutes my fingers were clasped around the edges, threatening to rip up the pages.
I stared at them, waiting for myself to give in and destroy the evidence of my brokenness.
I couldn't do it. I grabbed a pen and let the missing lyrics find their way onto the paper. They were pouring out of me, small tears accompanying the ink on the page.
A headache and heartbreak later, I was staring at a finished song.
A song that showed just how truly broken I was.
I threw my journal in the backseat, bringing my knees up to my chest to rest my chin on them.
Tell me this was just a dream.
Because I'm not fine at all.
You guys are so amazing, you are voting and commenting so much you don't understand how happy it makes me to see that people actually like this story. Thank you all so much<3
So don't stop doing what you're doing(;
Okay I'll stop...
The real update will probably be in a few days because I have a bit of writers block🙈 There is just so much going on in the story haha!
Love ya,
Maddie