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REALITY.
I was actually not free at the moment, but for her, I am now.
A phone call, from the one and only Staryu that I talk to on a daily basis.
And for some unknown reason, I was nervous.
The Han Jisung that can rap and belt his heart out on stage in front of thousands of fans, is now cowering in fear over some random girl she met like what? two weeks ago?
Maybe she was sick? Maybe she had a secret to confess? Maybe she needed help?
Myriads of possibilities brew in my mind as I anxiously waited for the unknown number to pop up on my screen. It feels weird... calling someone that wasn't family. It's the same jitters I felt whenever I passed by my crush in middle school, or the same ones as that of the first time I stepped inside the JYP building; both lead to something very disastrous.
But I'm an idol: I had to be ready for social interaction, I had to be talkative and funny, I had to be used to this by now... right?
No... no, I'm still awfully terrified. About the risks I'm taking by talking to this stranger I've opened my heart up to so easily, about maintaining the image I painted for myself out there, about the way people will perceive me after they realize I'm just this vulnerable slob of fear... who's just barely making it to the top with the jokes he makes every day.
I'm terrified.
After what felt like millennia, my phone starts vibrating and the familiar tune of my ringtone chimes loudly. My heart felt like it could burst right out of this constraining chest, and it was all because of some stupid digits displayed on the screen.
Hesitant, I picked up the phone, putting it on speaker and clearing my throat before finally peeping out a soft hello.
At first, I heard no sound. It was eerie and the only thing I could hear was the crackles of thunder on her end.
The thunderstorm must be near me too since she lives in Seoul.
Realizing that neither of us was were speaking up, I decided to take the first fall.
"Yuri?" My lips quiver afterward, and it felt so strange hearing her name roll off my own tongue.
I've never actually said her name before.
I finally earn an indication of her presence, but unfortunately she makes it known that she's there through anxious breaths.
"Yuri? Are you okay?" Still answered with deafening silence.
Nervously, I call out to her again. "Yuri, please answer me. I'm getting really worried."
I heard the faintest sound of sniffles erupting from the speakerphone and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach. She's crying.
Now I was really– no, distressed.
Why do I care so much? because she's my friend?
Friend... my friend?
Why the hell does that sound so weird?
"Yuri—"
"Jisung."
My heartbeat, admittedly not at all prepared to hear her voice, just suddenly skids into a stop.
My first ever memory of her voice, and it's not at all how I ever imagined it would sound like. It carried a tender feebleness to it, and if juxtaposed to her online persona, it was.. odd.
She's only said one word, why are you making such a fuss about it?
A small smile furnishes my lips. Maybe because it's my name that she said first.
"Ryu! Is everything all right?"
"Jisung."
At this point, the faint sobs she was trying to hold in gave out – she was definitely crying now.
"Hey... why are you crying?" I coo in a soft tone, to match her gentleness. A newfound sensation courses through my veins, much like a strange adrenaline that hasn't got me physically worked up, but rather emotionally.
There was only silence that ensued. It seemed that the cacophony of the thunderstorm was more eager to talk to me than the person on the other side of the call.
But I didn't mind, I could wait here forever.
After several moments, I finally hear more coherent words.
"This is a real phone call, right? I can trust you?" My eyebrows furrowed at that.
"Very real, otherwise you'd be talking to a dealer right now." I joke but I was only greeted with silence, leaving me yet with another frenzy of questions waiting to be answered.
Not funny, Jisung.
"Why would you ask–"
"Hunty?" She cuts me off with a sudden urgency in her voice, which startles me. But what startles me more is the sudden mention of my nickname.
It's actually really cute.
"Yes?"
"Please, help me fall asleep? Talk, sing, anything... anything else than this noise."
It is currently 2 am at the of this conversation. I was awake because 3RACHA had another mixtape due so we were producing and writing a on end —not like I do anything else.
I pondered for a bit over her sudden request. "Why?"
"Loud noise.. it just... freaks me out, you know?" she chuckles with a certain weariness to it and as if on cue, the loud clap of thunder reverberates in the room she was in and she lets out a suppressed choke. It was clear to the atmosphere between us that she was definitely barely holding it together, but with that said, she was still trying her best to conceal it. "I-It's just, my grandma isn't home. I'm just scared, is all.."
If it was even possible; this part of me, particularly around my chest, grows even mushier.
If only you weren't crying right now, I would be making fun of you.
"Cute." I murmur out subconsciously and my cheeks flared once I said that out loud, but I did gain a very startled reaction.
I toughened my insides in case I get anymore softer, and started singing some lines from the songs I was writing just a while ago. I would be scolded for leaking drafts to people outside of JYPE, but the moment that calls for it is rendering me blank of its consequences.
These songs came from my heart, and if it had the ability to reach hers, I'd sing every single word with a heartbeat.
I noticed how she went silent whilst I was singing. She must be really scared – so scared that she had to call someone she barely knew for help. Whether I was the first one that came to mind or the worst case scenario, some part of me felt immensely glad that at least she invested enough trust in me to call me at such a vulnerable state. It feels nice; to compensate for all the advice she's given me. I liked giving as much as I did receiving.
This situation, it seems all too familiar to me.
After several minutes, her breaths are finally slackened. A small smile creeps its way onto my face and I feel a sense of fulfillment. The satisfaction of succeeding in getting her to fall asleep felt like a lifelong goal that I had endlessly been chasing.
I sit there for a few more minutes, just listening in to her soft breaths with the pouring rain in the background. I start recounting on what had just happened.
Did we really just have a phone call? The strong front she's built in our conversations has been demolished so easily; all because of the rain's pitter-patter that was too loud for her to bear alone.
I could suddenly feel droplets sprinkling onto my hoodie, along with the approaching petrichor that swarms my senses and I stand up to go back inside. I realize the rain on her side of the phone call has grown weaker and it relieves me; even if swollen cheeks would be my consequence tomorrow.
Chan steps out of the production room and notices I was a bit damp, but the stupid smile on my face draws out some confusion on his part.
"You're drenched... wait why are you smiling?" He asked, eyeing my phone in particular.
I opened my mouth, but words were beyond me right now. I didn't know how to express to him what I felt, because truth be told – I haven't the faintest idea either.
It was the first time I've felt so fulfilled after helping someone in a while, ever since Chae— ah.
My eyes widen at thought.
"I.. I just found out my parcel is arriving tomorrow, you know how long I've been waiting for it." Chan was about to retort but Changbin calls him out from inside the room. The blonde sighs frustratedly but before he retreats inside, he sends me a knowing look.
This feeling... it's the same thing I felt when I first helped Chae out. The same tenderness, the same air – the same warmth.
Once he was out of earshot, I immediately check my phone and end the call. The familiar interface of Snapchat appears on the screen and I'm greeted with a new message, seemingly sent from before she fell asleep.
starryuu
thank you so much, hanty <3
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daily reminder to not be judgemental about people's phobias! ^__^