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chapter thirty-two: to be alone with you
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FOR A MOMENT, Indira forgets how to breathe. The air in her lungs dissipates, leaving her breathless; as if the wind has been knocked out of her by physical force. In her ears, she can hear nothing but the sound of her own blood rushing through her veins as her heart begins to pound in her chest, growing more erratic and unstable with every passing beat.
She looks at Poe, then looks at the scared soldier standing in front of them. In a split second, she makes a judgement call without thinking and reaches forward, yanking the soldier's blaster from his belt. The boy makes a sound of protest, but Indira doesn't stick around to hear it. Instead, she takes off in a sprint towards her aunt's office, leaving Poe behind without a second glance.
"Indira, wait!" He shouts, but she elects to ignore him.
Not Leia, she thinks and her voice inside her head is an angry, venomous snarl that propels her forward. You tried to take my mother. You already took Han. You can't have Leia, too.
Indira runs faster than she's ever run before. She thinks she might be sick, heart pounding so hard that it hurts, but she can't calm down; not when she knows what is at stake. Leia is the only family she has with her now that Han is dead and her mother and father are gone, scattered across the stars. But Leia is more than just Indira's family. She is the face of the Resistance; a beacon of hope and strength to the rest of the galaxy, even in the darkest of times. Her light would not be snuffed out by some cowardly, murderous piece of shit from the First Order. Indira would die before she let that happen.
As she rounds the corner to Leia's office, she sees a circle of guards standing just outside the door and shoves past them so she can see what's happening inside the room and her stomach drops. There, before her, Leia is standing alone and defenseless; unarmed and unguarded, with the assassin's gun trained directly on her.
Indira's stomach churns when she recognizes the assassin from Starkiller base. The blonde hair and dark clothing is unmistakable, regardless of the red scarf covering the girl's face. It was the bounty-hunter Indira had shot — the girl who had helped Kylo Ren murder Han Solo.
"Put the weapon down!" One of Leia's guards yells, startling the assassin. Her grip on the blaster in her hand twitches in a way that nearly makes Indira cry out. One twitch from her trigger finger could set the blaster off, sending a bolt into Leia's head. "Surrender now!"
Indira expects the girl to shoot Leia right then; to release the trigger and end the general's life in less than a second, crippling the Resistance with one deadly strike. But, much to her surprise, the assassin wavers. Her grip on the gun falters again, but this time it falls to the ground with an echoing clatter. The girl follows suit shortly after, crumbling to her knees before letting out an agonized scream and shoving her fingers into her ears.
"SHUT UP!" The girl screams before bursting into tears as heavy, shoulder-shaking sobs wrack her body and echo throughout the walls of the base.
There is nothing but stunned silence in the room, save for the sound of the girl's pitiful crying. Indira looks up at Leia, throat tight as unshed tears sting in her own eyes. She had almost lost her aunt because of this girl — the same way she'd lost her uncle. Reflexively, Indira's hand twitches as she tightens her grip on the stolen blaster in her hand. Her finger itches to pull the trigger as she thinks of all the people the First Order have taken enough from her. As she closes her eyes and inhales slowly, Indira makes a silent decision. She wouldn't allow any more lives to be taken by the First Order; not if she has the chance to stop it.
With her mind made up, her hand inches towards the trigger of her gun and she releases the safety on her weapon, fully ready to point and take aim. But just before she can raise her arm and fire, something makes her hesitate.
Look at that girl, a voice inside her head says, wizened and stern, with a crisp unfamiliar accent. Indira freezes in place, unable to move as she takes in the sight of the First Order assassin crying pitifully on the ground. Striking her down in her moment of weakness, when she cannot defend herself, is not the right thing to do. You know this, Indira. Do not let darkness tempt you.
Indira gasps and drops the gun in her hand, letting it fall to the floor with a forceful clank. The sound seems to startle the guards out of their frozen state. One of them releases a bolt from their blaster, stunning the assassin and knocking her into an unconscious heap on the floor.
The room bursts into a frenzy of noise and excitement then, but Indira ignores it; pushing past the crowd and side-stepping the assassin's unconscious form before running to her aunt. Leia embraces her niece as soon as she's close enough, holding Indira as tightly as she can. "I'm alright," she says, the words reassuring yet muffled by Indira's hair. Hot tears spill down the younger girl's cheeks and she stifles an unpleasant sob, biting down on her inner lip so forcefully that she tastes blood. "I'm alright. She didn't succeed. It's okay."
"Leia!" A male voice shouts, cutting through the commotion. "Indira!"
The younger woman steps back from her aunt's embrace and aggressively wipes the tears from her face as Poe comes barreling into the room. He pushes through the crowd, refusing to stop until he's right in front of the general and Indira, panting heavily. "My gods, you're alright," he breathes out in relief, chest heaving with exertion. "Shit, I was scared." He runs a hand through his hair, making it stick up in several different directions. "Shit. I was with this kid and then all of a sudden Indira was gone. I heard screaming and thought the worst — but you're okay. You're both okay. Gods, I feel like I'm gonna be sick."
"I'm alright," Leia says, gentle yet firm as she sets a hand on Poe's shoulder. "But we need to deal with her before she regains consciousness." Leia nods towards the unconscious heap of assassin on the floor — all business and no nonsense, as if she hadn't had her life threatened only seconds before. "Have someone take her to an interrogation cell while I find out how she got past our defenses. We don't want anyone else like her getting in."
"I — yeah, got it," Poe says with a nod, scrubbing a hand over his face. "I'll make sure someone takes care of it."
Leia turns on her heel then, striding from the room with her head held high in search of her head of security. Clearly, the years had taught her aunt how to wear a mask of calm composure in the face of chaos. As she leaves, Poe flags down a couple of troopers and instructs them to take the assassin to one of the holding cells. Obediently, the soldiers collect the girl from the floor and drag her out of the room.
As she watches them leave, Indira feels the adrenaline leave her body and she feels weak without it, slumping against the nearest available surface — which just so happens to be Poe — before letting out a shaky exhale. The pilot settles an arm over her shoulders, tucking her head beneath his chin.
"You scared the shit out of me," he says, the words muffled by her hair. "I've never seen you run that fast before — I couldn't keep up with you."
"I was so scared," Indira replies hoarsely, the words hardly more than a whisper. She still feels shaken. "I didn't mean to scare you, too, but I had to get to Leia. That girl — " she pauses to swallow past the lump in her throat, remembering the echoing voice that had spoken to her inside her head. "She was there on Starkiller when I was there. She helped Kylo Ren kill Han Solo. I — I couldn't let her kill Leia, too."
"Kriff," Poe mutters. "How did she find us?" He shakes his head with agitation. "Actually, forget that — if she's here, then you can bet your ass that the First Order knows that we're here, too, which means it'll only be a matter of time before they come after us in full force. We're going to have to find a new base. Godsdamn it."
"It's never going to end, is it?" Indira mutters helplessly, rubbing a hand over her face. "This fucking war. We're just going to keep on trying to kill each other until there's no one else left."
Poe make a sound of disagreement. "The war will end once we defeat the First Order for good, but we're nowhere near that yet. Starkiller was just the beginning; we have no idea what comes next, but we can't lose sight of our end goal."
"And what happens if we achieve that end goal?" She asks, feeling herself grow increasingly more agitated with every passing second. "If we lose, we die. But if we win, what will it cost us? Our souls? Our humanity? Do we really win this war if we have to do terrible things in order to win it?"
"Listen to me," Poe says firmly, setting his hands on her shoulders. "We do terrible things to stop other terrible things from happening. That's the nature of war and it isn't pretty — hell, maybe it isn't even right — but if we don't do them, the rest of the innocent people in the galaxy will pay the price. That's what victory costs. Maybe we don't get out of this fight with our hands clean, but at least we didn't sit back and watch it happen."
She feels bone-weary at that prospect. Her shoulders sag even further as she rests the top of her head against Poe's collarbone, hiding her face from his gaze. "I was going to kill that girl," she confesses, the words hardly more than a whisper. "The assassin. She was unarmed, on her knees, and I was so angry. I had my finger on the trigger, ready to pull it —"
"But you didn't," he stops her, tilting her face up with a finger. Instead of the disgust or revulsion she'd expected to see in his face, she finds his expression full of understanding. "Indira, you didn't. She's on her way to a cell right now."
"But I wanted to," Indira says, her voice trembling as she thinks of her family history and the apparent darkness that runs through the veins of those cursed with Skywalker blood. "I've never wanted to kill anyone like that before, but —"
"You were scared," Poe finishes. "And you didn't want anyone else to get hurt. Indira, it's okay. You don't have to beat yourself up over this. A lot of other people wouldn't have hesitated to pull the trigger in your position."
All the fight leaves her body with a sigh. The burden of her guilt weighs heavily on her heart, but she doesn't have the strength to argue any further. "I'm so tired," she admits, hearing her voice crack. "I just want to sleep."
"I know, sweetheart," he says gently, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "Come on, let's get you to bed, alright?"
"No, we should wait for Leia to come back," Indira protests. "What if she's hurt? What if she needs me?"
"Leia is fine and there is absolutely nothing that you or I can do to help her right now," Poe counters, steering her towards the exit doors. "If the general needs you, she'll find you in the morning, but I know she would want you to get some rest. You're about three seconds away from keeling over; I can see it in your face."
"I am not," she complains, but allows herself to be led down the hallway. Even walking feels utterly exhausting and with every step she takes, Indira's feet drag against the floor. "It's been a really long day, but I'm —" she pauses to stifle a yawn, "fine. I've gone way longer than this without sleep, you know."
"Uh-huh," Poe says, equal parts unimpressed and amused as he watches her stop to hide yet another yawn beneath her hand. "You're so totally going to fall asleep the second your head hits the pillow."
"Am not," Indira grumbles under her breath.
He chuckles and stops beside her, slipping an arm beneath her knees before hoisting her into his arms. She doesn't even protest, caving to her exhaustion as she hooks her arms around his neck and rests her head against his shoulder.
"Everything is a mess," Indira says, voice muffled by the fabric of his shirt.
"I know," he replies as he walks.
"I'm so," she yawns, closing her eyes and keeping them shut, "tired."
"I know," Poe repeats and she can hear it in his voice that he's trying very, very hard to not laugh at her.
She doesn't remember anything after that; just the soft, steady beat of his heart lulling her to sleep and the feeling of a soft mattress beneath her back as she drifts into oblivion, dreaming of a familiar forest and impossibly tall tree; one with long branches and vibrant green leaves that dance in the soft, balmy breeze.
INDIRA WAKES WITH A START, eyes flying open as she stirs from a dream she can't remember. She's wide awake, energy thrumming beneath her skin despite not sleeping for very long. It's still pitch dark outside and it takes her a few moments to realize where she is. The faint blue glow illuminating the corner of the bedroom where BB-8 is powered down to recharge tells Indira all she needs to know. She's in Poe's room — in Poe's bed — but when she stretches a hand out to the other side of the mattress, she finds it empty.
In a flash, she's sitting up and rising from the bed. Faint light spills under the crack beneath the door as Indira hurries into the hallway in search of Poe. Her racing pulse doesn't settle till she sees him sitting alone at the kitchen table, head bowed beneath the half-light with a mug clutched between his hands. A shadow covers his face and he seems so terribly lonely that it makes her heart ache.
"Poe?" Indira asks softly. He glances over his shoulder quickly, offering her a faint smile when he sees that she's awake. "What are you doing?"
"Couldn't sleep," he sighs, scooting back slightly and patting his knee.
Indira crosses the room in a few strides before clambering into his lap in a way that isn't exactly graceful. The kitchen chair is a little too small for the both of them to fit comfortably and part of the table jabs into her back, but it's nice to be held by him all the same. She needs that reassurance right now.
One of his hands strokes through her hair, carefully navigating its way through the tangled strands without pulling too hard. "What about you?"
"Didn't want to be alone," she admits, picking up the mug on the table and peering into it. She finds it half-full of lukewarm hot chocolate and steals a sip, letting the sweetness warm her up from the inside before setting it back down. "What's got you up at this hour?"
Poe makes a noncommittal sound. "Just thinking," he mutters, pressing his lips to her forehead. One of his hands slips beneath the hem of her shirt, tracing absentminded circles into the skin of her hip. Indira sinks even further into his embrace, breathing in his familiar scent and allowing it to comfort her. "Got a noisy brain tonight. 'M too wired to sleep after everything that went down."
She nods silently. The ordeal with the assassin had rattled her too, leaving her filled with the overwhelming urge to be close to him. "Wanna talk about it?"
"Not really," Poe replies honestly.
"Okay," she agrees, chewing on her lip for a few moments before working up the nerve to ask her next question. "Wanna come to bed with me?"
He glances down at her. "I'm not quite ready to sleep yet, sweetheart."
She maneuvers herself on his lap into an awkward sort of straddle, knowing that the chair is definitely too small for this yet not exactly caring. "Who said anything about sleeping?"
He blinks, brows raising in surprise before his lips curl upwards into a lazy grin. "Now, how could I say no to a request like that?"
"Well, we did get interrupted earlier," Indira points out.
"And that just wasn't fair, was it?" Poe drawls, settling his hands over her hips.
"It really wasn't," she agrees before she kisses him.
There's no rush to things this time; not like there had been earlier, when they were frantic and fumbling and hurried before their interruption. This is slower, softer, sweeter. It isn't the desperate, mindless escape that Indira had been chasing before — a distraction to make herself forget; the way she'd always used sex in the past with her former partners. No, this is something real. A reminder, perhaps, that even after violence had been brought to their door once more, they still had each other. There was no guarantee that they'd have that tomorrow and Indira didn't want to take it for granted.
Warm palms skim over Indira's back as Poe's hands slip beneath her shirt, raising trails of goosebumps in their wake. "Can I touch you, sweetheart?" He asks, the words mumbled against her mouth.
Indira nods. "Yeah," she consents, wanting nothing more than to be closer than close to him.
Her hands thread themselves into his curls, grip tightening as he makes himself intimately familiar with her body in ways he'd never done before. His fingers draw sharp breaths and soft noises from her lips, flooding her body with a warmth that has her rocking her hips against his in a slow but steady rhythm. Their mouths find each other again, trading kisses as they share the air between their lungs, until they have to break apart and catch their breath.
"Bed?" Poe asks, sounding winded.
"Bed," Indira agrees.
The two of them stumble all the way there, doing their best to shuck off their clothes on the way to Poe's room while still trying to keep their hands on one another as much as possible. Indira uses his shoulder to steady herself as she wiggles out of her pants and they both laugh when Poe gets stuck with his shirt over his head, caught between pullling it off and kissing her at the same time.
They're still laughing when they tumble onto the bed together, sprawling across wrinkled sheets that had been empty moments before. A warm body covers hers, bare skin pressed against bare skin, and even though Indira is closer to Poe than she's ever been, it's still not close enough. She wants him closer. So close that she's unable to tell where he stops and she starts; so intertwined that it would seem impossible to tear them apart.
In the darkness, it's hard for Indira to see him, but she can still make out his smile, his eyes, the glint of silver hanging around his neck as he holds himself up on his forearms. Her laughter dies in her throat and Indira is struck by the realization of how much she really does love him; no matter how scared of love she has always been. In her experience, love has always meant loss, meant heartache, meant pain — yet in that moment, all of those things seem inconsequential in comparison to loving him.
Her breath hitches when he cups her face with one hand, stroking a thumb across her cheekbone, and she wonders if he knows what she's thinking.
"Hi," Poe says quietly.
"Hi," Indira replies, swallowing thickly.
His eyes search her face in the darkness. "You sure this is what you want?" He asks, seeming to interpret her sudden seriousness for apprehension.
"Positive," she confirms, arching her back when he presses his lips to her neck while his fingers drift down her body and find the place where she needs him most. "You?"
She can feel his mouth curl upwards as he huffs out a laugh against her collarbone. "Never been surer about something in my life, sweetheart."
"Then let's go, Commander," Indira says teasingly and he surges upwards, his mouth covering hers once more — and then it's just warmth and light and the closest she's felt to luminous in all her life.
DAYLIGHT SPILLS THROUGH the window and the other side of the bed is cold. Indira's throat is sore and her eyes burn as she rubs at them, trying to chase away her grogginess. Sitting up with the sheet held to her naked chest, she curses herself for sleeping too long. As she looks around her surroundings, Indira discovers that Poe is once again nowhere to be found — and not even BB-8 is around to point her in the right direction. She lets out an indignant huff, running a hand through her tangled hair before rolling out of the bed. On stiff limbs, she heads into the refresher attached to Poe's bedroom and splashes water on her face before pulling on her clothes from the night before and battling her hair into something that looks semi-presentable.
After a half-assed attempt at making Poe's bed, Indira leaves his room in a hurry. She makes her way down the busy corridors of the base, stopping when she bumps into a familiar face wandering the halls.
"Finn!" She exclaims in surprise. "I feel like I haven't seen you in ages."
"Indira — oh, hey!" Finn says, eyebrows shooting upwards in surprise. "I was just on my way to find Poe. He and General Organa are with the intruder — probably doing some kind of interrogation."
Indira's stomach twists at the reminder of the previous night's invasion. She'd nearly forgotten about all of the chaos in light of ... other recent events, but the memories come rushing back quickly and she grimaces.
"Right," Indira confirms. "Can I come with you?"
"Sure," he shrugs, gesturing for her to follow him. "I think they're down this way."
"Did they find anything else out about the assassin?" Indira asks, keeping up with his determined strides.
"A name," Finn replies. "Raena Nhagy."
Indira's brow furrows. "Nhagy?" She asks, feeling confused. "The Nhagys were famous bounty hunters. I thought they were allies of the Resistance. Why would she join —"
"I don't know," he admits. "But she won't say."
The two of them walk the rest of the way in relative silence before coming to a stop at the empty corridor of the base where the holding cells are located. Outside of one of the cells, Poe is standing with his arms crossed over his chest as he watches inside one of the glass windows.
Finn clears his throat, pulling Poe's attention away from the scene and he turns his head quickly to look at them. A bright smile covers his face when he sees Indira and she suddenly feels uncharacteristically shy. "Hey, sunshine," he says, grinning at her. "Sorry I had to leave before you woke. Did you sleep well?"
"Well enough," Indira replies, cheeks growing hot as she rubs the back of her neck. "Did you sleep at all?"
His smile widens. "I think I might have gotten a few minutes of shut-eye in after —" Poe starts before Finn coughs loudly, reminding them of his presence.
"What's going on in there?" He asks, pointedly changing the subject.
Indira steps closer to the window, peering inside to catch sight of the general and the assassin alone together in the cell. Behind the glass, with her face in full view and her hands cuffed behind her back, the assassin looks much smaller. In fact, she looks almost ... normal. Human, at least. And, with the addition of a name to her person, Raena Nhagy no longer seems as intimidating. The mysterious murderess persona that Indira had built up around the girl in the months since Starkiller base shatters.
"Has she talked at all?" Indira whispers, jutting her chin towards the pair inside the room.
"Who, Nhagy? Not to me," Poe says grudgingly, crossing his arms over his chest, "but the general is apparently having more success than I did."
"I wonder why," Indira replies teasingly.
"Hey, I'm a great person to talk to," Poe protests. "Finn, tell her that I'm a great person to talk to!"
"You are a great person to talk to," Finn begins and Poe gives him a triumphant smile. "But ..."
"Aw," Poe mutters.
"... General Organa is better."
"Of course she is," he admits reluctantly. "She's amazing at everything."
Inside the cell, Leia stands from her chair before walking towards the exit. She steps free of the cell's confines, letting the door slide shut behind her before glancing over at the three of them. Her expression is troubled, as if she is warring with something inside herself, before she finally comes to a decision and speaks.
"Dameron, I want you to undo the prisoner's restraints."
Poe's brow furrows. "Sure, General," he replies slowly, looking perplexed. "Are we doing a cell block transfer or —"
"We're letting her go," Leia interrupts.
"WHAT?!" Indira, Finn, and Poe all exclaim at the same time.
"We're letting her go," Leia repeats slowly.
"But she tried to kill you!" Indira protests. "She helped kill Han! General, you can't —"
"I can," Leia interrupts sternly. "And I will. Don't presume that you understand these matters better than I do."
"General Organa, Raena Nhagy is a murderer!" She insists, feeling all sorts of desperate for reasons she can't quite explain. "She's a cold-blooded killer! Why in the hell would you let her go?!"
"That's enough, Beren," her aunt silences her with a glare. "Contrary to whatever you may think, I know exactly what I'm doing. You're dismissed."
Her aunt turns on her heel, prepared to walk away, but Indira's hand shoots out before she can stop herself and she grabs her wrist. "Leia, please," Indira begs, her voice low. "Don't do this. Nhagy belongs in a cell. It's too dangerous to set her free. You have to see that, please —"
Leia gives her a disappointed look, but remains stubborn and uncompromising in her decision. "Finn," she says, eyes not leaving Indira's. "Escort Lieutenant Beren back to her quarters. Keep her there until Commander Dameron confirms that Raena Nhagy has left the base."
Indira lets go of her aunt's arm as if she'd been burned, taking a sharp step back. She looks at Leia with a hurt expression, but her aunt just squares her shoulders; refusing to break her unflinching stare until Indira looks away, biting the inside of her cheek.
A hand settles over her shoulder and Indira turns to see Finn wearing an apologetic expression. She shrugs off his concern, straightening her posture and raising her chin defiantly. "An escort won't be necessary," Indira replies stiffly, meeting Leia's gaze once more. "I know my way."
a/n: long note coming up! if you're a NEW READER who is reading this book for the first time, you can disregard it! but if you're a RE-READER coming back to this chapter, then this note is for you! you've probably noticed that the entire middle portion of this chapter is brand new. that's because writing on wattpad has provided me with the unique (and sometimes troublesome) experience of not writing a book in its entirety before publishing content. it's sort of like publishing a rough draft before finishing your entire work and then later realizing that there's things you would have changed or added earlier in the book if you were publishing a final draft. in this instance, it was allowing indira and poe's relationship to progress to sexual intimacy. it became abundantly clear to me as i was writing act iii of this book and re-visiting old chapters that this step felt like a natural progression for their relationship that i had skipped the first time around. i wanted to remedy that before getting too much further into act iii and that's why i've republished this chapter with the new content. as a result of this change, a few later interactions and conversations between indira and poe in will likely change, but for the most part everything else will remain the same. it may seem like an unnecessary or inconsequential addition to some people, but this has been something that's been nagging at me for a while, so i decided to make the change! consider this an apology for all the cock-blocking i've regrettably done 🥴 (and undoubtedly will do more of in the future) but anyways. CARRY ON WITH YOUR READING!!!!
p.s. make sure to read PRISONER by stxrmborn if you haven't already hehe
EDITED ON:
03.09.20