*randomly jumps out of the woodwork with a chapter and no reason or rhyme to the pattern* Hi. It is I.
There's still discord running for y'all.
Link: https://discord.gg/WQ7mNwk
Also I've made CPwUR tumblr blog, where you can find art, chapter notifications and, what you're probably going to like the most, the function to ask Ren and her spiders various stuff.
Link: https://cpwur.tumblr.com/
***
"In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act."
― Unknown
0
Nothing of this size should be this fast. Nothing of this size has the right to be this fast.
Nobody this age should be this fast either.
Or, at least, that's Ren's standing on the matter as of now, as she evades Elder Kana when the big, black tarantula crashes into the tree Ren had been standing on just a moment ago.
(Spiders are fucking fast, who would've thought?)
"Geez, what's got you so hot and bothered!" Ren yells at the giant spider. "I just asked a question, you don't need to try to kill me for it!"
"You have no idea what you're asking for," Elder Kana honest-to-god narrows her beady, golden eyes at Ren, and isn't that weird? Spiders aren't supposed to have eyelids, goddamnit. The thought doesn't stay with Ren for long, because the giant tarantula pounces again, and Ren jumps back, chakra pushed forcefully through the soles of her feet, through her shoes, propelling her forward faster and farther than humanly possible, Kana on her heels.
So, here's what happened; Ren summoned Kana, and nothing was wrong. Then, Kana asked why she was summoned, because you don't summon one of the most powerful summons you have for no reason, that's stupid. So Ren inquired – politely mind you, and she's hardly ever polite – about the possibility of learning Sage Mode.
Elder Kana lost her shit, and here they are.
"Come on, at least tell me what's got you so irritated!" Ren shrieks, bouncing off a branch and landing on another. She's tense, muscles screaming in exertion already and her breathing ragged, but she doesn't move from there, turning to face the giant spider. Elder Kana stopped, too, and she's fuming, her mandibles moving in irritation.
"Do you have any idea how dangerous Sage Mode is? How dangerous our way of doing it is?" the tarantula hisses angrily, and Ren sighs, cupping her head in her palms.
"I know you're old and all-"
"Who are you calling old?!"
"But you could've, I dunno, first explained to me why is it so dangerous, and maybe then try to beat the idea out of me?" Ren asks, fuming. Kana looks at her, blinks, and then stops. Well, one more thing to add to the oddities Ren has seen in this life – an embarrassed spider. Who knew they're even capable of it? But here they are. Ren huffs, ruffling her hair, and jumps down onto the ground. "Okay granny-"
"You're calling me old again!"
"-I know some things might become less obvious with age-"
"Why youuu-!"
"-but would you kindly explain to me why the spiders' version of Sage Mode is so dangerous that you'd rather attack me?" Ren asks, pointedly ignoring spider-grandma's outbursts – getting attacked like that makes her sassy, so sue her – and leans back on the tree behind her. Elder Kana sighs, moving her mandibles up and down in a way that reminds Ren of humans biting their lip, and looks at the Uchiha. Her eyes, now that she isn't trying to kill Ren and she can see them, are strikingly gold on an otherwise ordinary-looking black tarantula. She's smaller than Cobalt, and significantly so – she reaches about to Ren's hips, whilst Cobalt stands as tall as her shoulders.
"Huh," Elder Kana says eloquently, and honestly, if she can get any further from the supposed Esteemed Spider Sage she supposedly is, Ren is going to be surprised. "Well, there is one person we're actually teaching Sage Mode to at the moment-"
And if that didn't raise all the red flags in Ren's head, then something would be wrong.
"Someone else? As in a summoner?" she asks instantly, because that's important, because weren't summoning scrolls exclusive? As in, you had to sign them to do the thing, and Ren had the scroll, and there was no other active name than herself-
"It's complicated," Kana says, and then looks Ren up and down, as if assessing. "And while you I wouldn't mind telling, we promised secrecy. It's... a delicate matter. Very delicate. Life-and-death delicate."
"Will I ever meet them?" the Uchiha asks, and the spider just glares at her. "Ahem, yes, okay, all in its own time, I get it. So, that Sage Mode."
"Yes, that Sage Mode," Kana is still looking at Ren. The old bat probably knows that this 'other person' will now forever be a matter in the back of her head until she learns who it is. Ren might have become somewhat... Possessive, of her summons. Spiders are hers, and she isn't particularly keen on sharing. "As I was saying, it's extremely dangerous, and not for the reasons you might think. Asking specifically for it, you probably know what it is, and what nature chakra can do to you."
"It can turn you into an animal you're most connected to," Ren lists. "It can turn you into stone, burn you to ash, overload your system and fry you from the inside. It can outright kill you if you're not careful. Yeah, I know."
"To put it mildly," Kana snorts. "For us spiders, it's- Special, in a way. We're predators, you see, we were made for just one purpose – to kill, to kill better, faster, more efficiently. That's all we do, really, and those instincts, they run strong with us. If you were to gain Sage Mode through us, those instincts would never leave you. The more you use it, the less of you is left. Not to mention that our Sage Mode is always the type others would consider... incomplete."
"Huh, I dunno," Ren shrugs. "I think chitin-covered arms would be cool."
"...you are incorrigible," Kana grumbles, tensing.
"Hey, wait, what-"
Ren doesn't really have time to formulate proper question, because Kana once more launches herself at her, and Ren does not want to get mauled by a giant spider, thank you very fucking much.
"Let's see how your resolve holds then, in the face of danger!"
"That's not fair and also I've been in a plenty of life-threatening situations, go ask Hana! Never stopped me before, sure as hell ain't gonna start now!"
*
People cursing around them was not a rare occurrence – Ren cursed all the time, honestly, it was nothing odd. But to hear Shikamaru curse? Forget hearing him speak, however rare that was for the lazy bum, but for him to actually make an effort and curse?
Yeah, it didn't happen, he just couldn't be bothered to do it – and yet, here it was. Hence, piqued interest.
"What's wrong Shika?" Sakura asks from where she's sitting on the armchair with Ino and the creepy spider, and he gulps, not quit pale but visibly shaken. He looks at her, and then turns the book so that most people in the room can see.
"If the Fourth Hokage doesn't look even a little bit like Naruto to you, then I don't know you anymore," he says completely seriously. Sakura stares, then blinks, and then is suddenly furiously flipping pages from the Third Hokage's most notable disciples to the section on the Fourth and-
"But many people look similar," Sasuke brings up despite himself, because wouldn't that be nice for Naruto to find family? But on the other hand false hope would be really, really bad to the significant annoyance of his life.
"I think it is very plausible. Why? Because it says here that Namikaze Minato was in a relationship with a survivor of Uzushio, Uzumaki Kushina," Shino adds the final nail to the coffin, looking over Torune to skim Sakura's book with her.
"But if it's true, then why keep Naruto's parents from him?" Sakura asks suddenly, fists clenched and eyes ablaze. "I know they were famous and made many enemies, goddamnit, so it should stay secret, but why couldn't Naruto know?!"
"Old man..." Naruto whispers suddenly, and only now they look at him – he's pale like a ghost and looks somewhat haunted, both betrayed and yet hopeful. "Old man will know."
And he bolts, barely pausing to slip on his shoes, and he's out of the door nearly the same instant.
"Fucking shit," Sasuke hisses viciously, because Ren never reprimands them when they curse since that would be way too hypocritical, and bolts after the blond. "Don't make a mess! I gotta catch up to him!"
"Wait, I'm coming too!" Sakura yells, almost throwing Takuya-sensei at Ino and chasing after the boys, Shikamaru wordlessly following at her heels.
For a moment, the silence is deafening.
"Well, that happened," Ino finally says.
"What the hell," Kiba agrees.
*
Ren almost feels bad for the ANBU she crashes headfirst into, but honestly, it's their fault for suddenly appearing in her way, so, no, she does not feel bad at all. It's a woman, Ren knows because she crashes head-first into her breasts (not a development she's particularly angsty about, mind you), and between that and the long, dark purple hair spilling behind the woman, Ren is pretty sure it's actually Uzuki Yūgao – known better as 'one of those select few in Konoha who know which end of proper blade goes where and therefore are on Ren's radar for potential teachers'.
Also one of the few actually honest-to-god baddass female characters in the whole depicted Naruto universe, because yo, she made bloody ANBU at an age comparable to Itachi, or at least that's what wiki said. Also that one person who hounded on Hayate more than Hana, to whom Ren so happily charted him off a while back after he had a severe coughing fit in the middle of her pestering him for – surprise – more kenjutsu tips.
"Hi, gimme a sec," Ren says and grabs Yūgao's vest when her feet meet the solid surface of a branch for a split second. She focuses on the chakra in the soles of her feet and pushes, propelling herself up. Props for Yūgao for not stabbing her as she does so, dragging the ANBU woman with her to another branch as a big, black spider crashes to where they just stood. "Oi, old bat, this is important so chill for a second or forever, okay?!"
Elder Kana clicks her mandibles furiously at Ren from where she's standing on the branch Ren had dragged Yūgao from, but aside from an angry string of unrepeatable profanities, even for Ren, she doesn't really answer. She does stop, though, so there's that at the very least. Ren stands straighter, letting go of the ANBU (and boy, doesn't she wish she could see Yūgao's face now) and dusting herself off, then turns to the other woman.
"So, hi, I'm kind of in the middle of something," she nods her head in the general direction of her summon, and now that she thinks of it, it does remind her of the time in the show that Naruto had to prove his worth to Toad Boss. Maybe if she's persistent enough, Kana will cave in and let her in on the secret? Hopefully. "But I have a moment so what brings you here?"
"Hokage-sama summons you," Yūgao says, and Ren suddenly shivers. It might be about Deidara, honestly, since he's an unknown to anyone but her, but also with the lowkey sabotage she's doing now, well. Pardon any morbid thoughts she has.
"What did you do this time, brat?" Kana asks, and wow, they've just met for the first time and Ren is already labeled as a troublemaker in her eyes. Talk about judgmental. Ren doesn't bother trying to rebuff her, though, because she knows there's no use - Kana is right in that preconception and they both know it.
"Nothing yet," she grumbles instead. "Ugh, I guess, let's go then," she nods at Yūgao, and the woman nods back, and then they're soaring through the trees and above the buildings, Kana hot at their heels. She could dispel herself, but for some reason opts not to. If it's to hunt Ren more after she's done with official business, or to be a general bother, or maybe because she hasn't really met a human in almost a hundred years if the tales of various summons are to be believed, Ren can only speculate.
Not to mention that other mysterious Spider Sage. Another thing to grill every summon she can get her hands on about. Someone is bound to have answers. Probably Cobalt, because she is a curious, sweet child and would probably answer truthfully if properly bribed with some delicacy Jōren Falls doesn't have. Yes, that sounds like a plan. Ren doesn't like unknowns, after all – especially so close to home.
That, and she might be a teeny tiny bit possessive of her summons.
*
Whatever evil awaiting her in the Hokage's office Ren imagined on the way there, this... this isn't it. It isn't nearly anything like any of her morbid ideas at all, not even remotely connected to the brats realizing Naruto's parentage. Was she to doubt their deduction skills now? Honestly this, right then and there, is probably one of the best news she has got in her life here in the shinobi world.
"A field promotion... to Tokubetsu Jōnin?" she repeats, still slightly dazed from the revelation, because wow. Of course it isn't full Jōnin, but surely she isn't specialized in one of her talents enough yet to be considered for the position, is she? When did she get so strong in the first place?
"Yes," Hiruzen says with an indulgent smile, and Ren just gapes at him. "You were recommended by some people, and it was nearly impossible to rebuff their claims. You're very proficient with flame jutsus, show a predisposition to two additional chakra affinities to a lesser degree, have a good grip on your Sharingan," and of course by that he means 'you have the Mangekyo and you can more or less use it but we can't say that out loud just in case', "your summons are a force to be reckoned with and you work closely with them in a way I haven't really seen before," Ren could swear Kana waves at Hiruzen, if the smile he sends the spider's way is anything to go by. "And, most importantly, you are one of Konoha's top kenjutsu users, whether you recognize it or not. That, and a few smaller things."
"Huh," is Ren's eloquent answer. She didn't even realize, but then- is being one of the best at kenjutsu in Konoha really such a big achievement? Ren knows firsthand that the shinobi here who use it, and use it well, are few and far between and much less skilled compared to those trained in Kiri. Jashin knows she complains enough to Kisame about it in her letters. But then, the question of the day is, "who recommended me, if it isn't confidential?"
"Not really, but why are you asking?"
"So that I can hunt them down if I get shitty high-level missions?" Ren asks with a shrug, and Hiruzen chuckles.
"Among others, the recommendations came from Shiranui Genma, Maito Gai, and Aburame Shibi," he says indulgently and, huh, Ren kind of did-but-didn't expect that. She isn't surprised, really, that it was them. Just that they did it. Genma is a great friend, while Gai is something else entirely and seemed to think of Ren as a determined and a kind person. And Shibi, her beloved genin sensei who had given her an honorary place in his clan after she fried some ROOT puppets she'd accidentally stumbled upon, whom she had probably given more gray hairs than he'd care to admit. She could probably kiss him, and he definitely deserved a giant box of chocolate for all the shit he went through because of her.
"That's- that's fine, I think. Okay, whatever, I'll take the badge or something," she shrugs, a bit at a loss. "And the harder missions. More money, yaay. And probably more wounds. Hana will have a field day with me."
Naruto picks precisely this moment to burst through the window with a shout, Sasuke hot on his heels with Sakura and Shikamaru right behind him. The blond looks almost haunted, and his eyes are wild.
Oh.
Uh-oh.
"Old man!" Naruto yells, breathing hard, looking at the Hokage with wide eyes full of both hope and hurt. "Is Namikaze Minato my dad?!"
Hiruzen almost chokes on his breath, and suddenly looks at the kids, each and every one, with wide, shocked eyes. Naruto doesn't care, because he slams a book – wait, was he carrying it? Ren hadn't noticed – on the Hokage's desk, and pats the full-color picture of Minato angrily.
"U-um, Hokage-sama," Sakura says uncertainly, and all eyes suddenly turn to her. She meeps quietly under the attention, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt, and looks around the room quietly before her eyes land on Ren. She gives the pinkette a smile that is equal parts confusion and encouragement. Sakura gulps, straightens and looks straight at the old man. Brave girl. "With all due respect, Hokage-sama, we tried to stop him, but- um, in the books? We have homework to write about one of the Hokage, a-and-"
"We asked Ren-neesan for books," Sasuke says, and that's not really true but not a lie either, smart brats, "so that we could write it better. Because she can get books from the chunin section of the library."
"Namikaze Minato and Naruto look a lot like one another," Shikamaru drawls. "And the Fourth was confirmed to be in a relationship with one of Uzushiogakure's few survivors, Uzumaki Kushina, the Red Hot Habanero."
"Old man!" Naruto says again, even more forcefully this time. "Is it true? Is this Minato guy really my dad? And is Kushina really my mom?!"
There's a headache building right behind his eyes. He looks at Naruto, and says, "Yes. They are."
This was supposed to be a nice, calm day. He unabashedly gives Ren a stink eye as if he was eighteen again, and not eighty. He knows that she knows that he knows it's somehow her fault. When isn't it, really, when something like this happens?
"In my defense," Ren says, affronted, holding her hands up, "I wasn't even there when it happened."
It's not a denial.
Hiruzen rubs at his temples, trying to lessen his migraine.
It doesn't work.