What would happen when you suddenly had to pick up what you could for you, and your children?
If you had to leave everything you knew?
If your children had to leave their school and their friends?
Well that is what I had to do...
"There are an endless number of things I wish to forget."
Like the time that Jace put his hands on me the first time. Or the time that he put a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me in front of my children.
This fear is my challenge and my demon to slay, for it will come until I do, unannounced and gnarly. The only way out is to order this brain to function, to demand solutions instead of this crazy-making circling anxiety. So though it feels as if my bones have no more strength and my muscles are all out of power, I still have the option to remain still, to be quiet enough to choose how to fight.
You have to be brave to feel that fear long enough to analyze it and keep your self control. Because when we learn about it, it gives us a real chance to care better for others when they are scared, to be kind when others need help.
Those who demand resiliency of others should ask themselves if it is loving and empathic to do so, for repeated exposure to harm and stress causes damage in the brain, whereas love, nurture and compassion build a stronger brain that gives a natural resiliency. When I am afraid, I remind myself that my good decision making ability is temporarily offline and I need to wait before I can figure things out, wait for my brain's usual connections to resume.
"Jace's voice in the distance was getting closer and closer with each ragged breath. The cold night air coursed through my lungs and dried my already parched throat. My heart was beating so fast, I was scared it would lead him right to us. That, or it would burst out of my chest. Both options sounded rather unappealing.
The kids were getting tired. Layne was ready to go to bed but I couldn't stop. I was too afraid that Jace would find us and take us back.
I let my hands rest upon my knees as I took two deep breaths. In through my nose, out through my mouth. After wiping away the beads of sweat on my forehead, I took in my surroundings.
The blood pounding in my ear clogged my brain, and I launched into the alley at full speed. I had my arms stretched out in front of me as I ran. If this path led to a dead end I wanted a bit of warning before colliding with a brick wall. My pace picked up and I thanked everyone and anyone, when I saw the dim shine of a dying street light on the other side of the alley. We were at the place where Tanner left the vehicle.
I have to get somewhere else and keep my children safe from their father. If I don't then I know that he is going to do something else. Possible worse then the last time.