I miss my dad more and more everyday. Currently I'm sitting in my bed crying with Ryan. He's rubbing my back but nothings making me feel better. All I want is my Daddy back. Ryan's being so sweet and so supportive.
"I'm sorry Ryan I just can't get over it." I say between sobs.
"I know I wouldn't be able to get over it if one of my parent's died. You have to have time to heal." He responds holding me. He puts me in between his legs and leans me back into his arms.
"I'm so sorry that I've been such a horrible girlfriend Ry" I sob.
"You've been the best girlfriend I ever could have. You're the most amazing person I've ever met."
Just Ry holding me brings me down from a ten to about an eight. He's so amazing and he's been here for the entire time and even rented a suit for dads funeral tomorrow. He's absolutely the best, I wouldn't want to be going through this without him. I can't believe my Dad told him to marry me. But hey at least he knows that Ryan's the one.
I've been put into the legal guardianship of Isabelle, being as I'm only seventeen. I'll be eighteen in a two months though, this will be my first birthday without my dad. I can't believe that he's gone. I know that he's gone and that he isn't coming back but it still hurts like hell.
"I love you." I say breaking from a sob.
"I love you too." He responds gently.
"You're the best boyfriend I ever could've asked for."
It's the day of the funeral and I can't stop myself from crying. I'm not wearing any makeup which is unlike me. Even Ryan noticed it, he said I still looked beautiful without it but he just noticed that I haven't been taking time for myself. I've also been doing a lot with my sisters. We're all trying to be there for each other and we've been sharing a bunch of Dad memories. I'm about to go downstairs, I need help picking out a funeral dress. Ryan's no help because he just says I look beautiful in everything.
"Hey Fi, can you come upstairs and help me pick out a dress?" I ask from the middle of the stairs.
"Yeah sure." She responds getting up from the couch with Josie.
"Thank you, Ryan isn't really helping me he just keeps saying that I look good in everything."
"Well you're the prettiest out of all of is, he isn't wrong." She says wiping the tears from her face.
"I'm not the prettiest. I'm the ugliest, I still don't know how Mom and Dad made such beautiful children other than me. I got all of their bad qualities too, I'm just a mix of the two of them that came out wrong." I respond letting a tear fall down my face. Fiona puts her arm around me.
"I still love everything about you. And don't ever say you're ugly, you're the one who modeled all through high school. You made a bunch of money modeling. Speaking of money have you gotten the check for your part of the will yet?"
"No I haven't even been thinking of that." I say walking into my room. Ryan's just sitting down writing a letter to his coach at his computer. I still don't know why he writes emails when he can just call his coach. He always says that emailing is more professional. And that's what Ryan's all about.
"Hey Ryan." Fiona says. "Did you finally take my sisters virginity?" Ryan's jaw drops at the question.
"Um... No. We haven't really been doing much of anything of that nature recently. We've kind of been focused on the present situation. I have to go pick up my tux for the funeral I'll see you guys in a bit." Ryan says coming over and kissing me.
"Bye babe." I say to him, our foreheads touched each others.
"Bye my love." He responds kissing my forehead and pulling me into a hug.
"Let's get you a dress Frea." Fiona says walking into my closet.
"Okay." I say walking in with her.
"What're your top choices?" She asks looking over all my black dresses.
"These two are my top but I can't pick which one looks better." I respond. They're both black, one is a formless one and the other is slightly tight but very modest.
"I like the formless one it looks better on your skinny body." She says handing it to me. "Are you going to do your makeup?"
"I wasn't planning on it, should I?"
"I mean, I think you should take some time and take care of yourself. And makeup has always been a get away from life thing for you, and I think you could use about an hour of getting away from life right now. And you should curl your hair, it always looks better curled." Fiona says walking into my bathroom and pulling out my makeup bag. "You need some time for you Frea."
"I know, but I just can't stop thinking about it." I respond letting a tear roll down my cheek. "I know we got to give our goodbyes to Daddy and everything. But I always think there's something I'm leaving out and I can never put my finger on it."
"Freya you said everything you needed to say. Everything Dad could've ever wanted to hear. You told him how much you loved him and you told him how well you're doing in school! You are the perfect daughter Frea." Josie says sincerely.
"I'm not the perfect daughter, but I'm glad you think my last words to him made him happy. That's all I've ever wanted. Well I've always wanted him to see me get married and have him meet my children. Have him babysit and help me chose names and tell me how he raised such amazing smart siblings. I don't know what I'm going to do without him."
"You're going to have me to babysit. And I'm going to be there to help you raise your babies. I'm so excited for you to have babies. And I'll walk you down the aisle if you want." Fiona says.
"I know that you will I just always thought it was going to be Dad. And I want him to be there for me when I start getting older. I don't know what I'm going to do without him here for me whenever I need advice." I say opening my makeup bag.
"I know, we all did. But you have five beautiful sisters that can help you out. You're going to be able to have an entire family to help you out. That's more than a lot of people have Frea."
"I know but it's still just hard, he was such an amazing person. He was so strong and so healthy." I say crying a little. "I know that it's what he said was going to happen after being shot. But it's still such a shock, he was in the best shape of his life. I don't know how this happened. He was in such good shape how could his body not have handled it?"
"I know Frey. But we both knew this was going to happen one day, and that one day just happened to be three days ago. Everyone dies but not everyone dies happy, and not everyone gets to say goodbye. We got to say goodbye and he said goodbye to us. That's all we ever could've asked for Frey. He had a good life."
"I know. But it still hurts." I say wiping my tears from my face. She's right but it still hurts so much. I don't remember losing my mom because I was so young. But I'm always going to remember losing Dad.
"I know it hurts, it hurts all of us. But we have to move forward with our lives. I know it's going to be hard but we have to. Dad wouldn't ever want us to live like this. He'd be so disappointed if he saw us like this." Fiona says. I know she's right but it still stings.
"I know, you're right. I don't want to live like this, it's not fair to Ryan or Dad. Dad did everything he could to keep us happy and if he saw us miserable he'd blame himself. And that's the last thing I want him to do." I say taking a deep breath.
"If you can't think about living right for Dad because it hurts too much, think about living right for Ryan. That boy loves you more than anything." Fiona says. I smile gently.
"I know he does, he's everything I could've ever asked for." I say with that same gentle smile on my face.
"He treats you so well Freya, you're so lucky. I wish I could get that lucky." Fiona says.
"You will, I swear you will Fi. You're an amazing, sweet, kind, caring, young lady who is also beautiful as the day is long. You will go so many places." I say like a good big sister. I'm always trying to be the sister to Fiona as all my sisters are to me. I just want her to have that support system that I've always had.
"I'm back!" Ryan says entering the room with his tux inside a black bag.
"Nothing much, Freya's about to put on her makeup. I'll leave you two alone to talk." Fiona says rubbing my back and walking out of my room.
"I thought you were going without makeup?" Ryan asks me coming over to give me a hug.
"I was but then Fiona influenced me to put on some makeup and take some me time. She also wants me to curl my hair. She says a little bit of me time won't hurt anyone."
"It won't my love, you've been so caring for everyone else it's time for you to take some time and spend it on yourself. Do a facemask shut the door spend some time alone Frea."
"I don't want to be alone right now. I want to be with someone because I don't trust myself right now. I have always had to have antidepressants and I know that I'm in the best place I've been in in years. But I don't trust myself not to break my clean streak, and my only goals in life are to have a six figure job, marry you, and be clean for the rest of my life. I don't ever want to go back to the place I was when I was fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen. I was in the worst place of my life and I don't ever want to be there again. I was a wreck Ry, I was cutting, I was so depressed I tried to kill myself twice. I know that life was going to get better when I was out of high school so that I wouldn't have all these expectations on me. Expectaions to be validictiorian, expectations to be captain of the cheer team. Expectations to be just like my sisters. That's why I got out of that hell hole so soon." I say pouring my heart out to him.
"Freya I never want you to be alone, and you're not alone right now. I am always here for you. I know that you were like that in high school, but that's behind you. You're almost two years clean and I'm here to help you maintain that. I'm here to do facemasks with you, cuddle you, kiss you, and most importantly. I'm here to love you."
"I know you are, and I love you more than anything for that."