"Beauty is pain, and there's beauty in everything."
sedecim
agitantes avertissent
Unwillingness or disinclination to do something.
════════
"HONESTLY, I'M NOT REALLY IN THE PARTY MOOD," I TOLD AUDREY AS SHE HELD DRESSES UP AGAINST HER BODY.
"We're about the same body size right? I mean, you're shorter but we're both size sixes aren't we?" She asked absentmindedly, ignoring what I said and holding her red mini dress against her body.
"Yes, but you and I have vastly different tastes in clothes. Also, you're not listening to me. I don't want to go," I whined, "Ana won't even be there."
"Ana's never there are social events like this, but it doesn't mean you can't go. Come on, I heard your baby daddy will be there," she teased.
"You're insufferable," I groaned. "I don't think I should go to a party just because Chase will be there, especially not after the events of what happened last month."
She sighed dramatically, "You're so annoying, you can't avoid being seen with him forever. Get your mind off the bullshit drama, forget what other people think of you and enjoy yourself."
"I'm not going to drink and I want to be dropped off before 12," I named my demands as I watched a grin spread across her face.
"I'll probably barely drink and Dean's gonna pick me up at 11, I'll ask him to drop you off," she responded immediately.
"Spending the night?" I asked.
"Been planned for weeks," she stated, "alright come on, get dressed. What do you wanna wear?" She asked, holding a few dresses out in front of me. I ended up at her house because hers was much closer to school than mine, going there straight after school finished.
"The black one," I decided, pointing to a black mini-dress with long sleeves so at least my arms would be covered.
She nodded, throwing her black dress at me whilst she chose the red one she had been holding up. We wordlessly got ready for the party, slipping into our dresses and doing whatever else necessary to get ready. For her that included putting on makeup and for me that including curling my hair into loose curls.
"For someone so small, you've got a really great body," Audrey commented as used her nail to wipe off the excess lipgloss from the corners of her lips. She looked stunning as ever, her beautifully petite features standing out with her use of highlight.
I rolled my eyes, feeling uncomfortable with the compliment because, of course, self-esteem issues meant that I found it hard to accept any compliments. "Thanks," I said awkwardly, my quick response not allowing her to respond as I slipped into a pair of heels. "How are we getting there?" I asked, changing the subject.
"Dean's gonna pick us up and then he's going to go home and play some computer games like the nerd he is," she laughed at herself, placing her fur jacket over her shoulders.
"It's unbelievable how different you guys are considering you've been dating since you were 12" I laughed.
"Ew don't remind me of that Facebook romance," she cringed. It was true, Audrey and her boyfriend of six years spoke over Facebook. It was a pre-teen love, both of them with braces, his Justin Bieber hair and her being taller than him. But right now, they were actual relationship goals. "Also, it's not like dating Nathaniel in Year 10 was any less ugly," she retaliated.
I, for some reason, found myself slightly offended. "We were cute," I said in an insecure manner.
"No pre-teen love is cute," she joked as I nodded.
"Also, that pre-teen love went so well," I added sarcastically.
She sent me a sad smile, extending her arm to comfort me, "I'm sorry he hurt you, but at least the school no longer thinks you're a slut."
It had been a whole month since the fake pregnancy incident. I was careful to tiptoe around Chase and Nate, feeling too insecure to be seen with the either of them. It was easier at home, I focused completely on my mocks, my university portfolios and my coursework.
Things had been going well without boy drama in my life.
My life felt like it slowly was getting back to normal, for the good and the bad. My panic attacks were back, but they were on patterned loop throughout my life, and it wasn't hard to figure out the correlations. They spiked up when I had my exams or when I was overwhelmed, and this past month was the most overwhelmed I had ever been.
Everything counted for something.
Mocks were important because they were, well mocks. They set apart the foundation for this entire year; the most important year. If I did well, there was a chance of me doing well at the end of the year, but if I had failed now, there was no way I could improve by the end of the year.
My coursework was important too. Both my English coursework, which I focused on comparing the manipulation of female characters in Far from the Maddening Crowd and Lolita, and my History coursework, which focused on the difficulty to achieve peace in the Arab-Israeli conflict, counted for 20% of my final grades. If I failed these, there was no way I was going to get my requirements for uni.
Finally, there was my University portfolios. My friends were lucky because all of them were travelling across England doing interviews for their chosen subject. I was great at interviews. I knew I had a passion for English literature that you could only understand when I spoke about it, and I know I had the ability to improvise without seeming oblivious. Portfolios, on the other hand, were ten times more difficult. I couldn't use my personality to win someone over. I had to focus completely on my writing, and had to perfect it because my top two unis wanted completely different ones.
Safe to say I was a wreck and I didn't want boy drama in my life at that moment.
But things turned out well in the long-term, so maybe working a scheduled eight hours a day was not a bad thing. I had gotten two A's in my mock, and an ungraded psychology paper, with my teacher telling me I got the highest in my class for core studies and second highest for research methods which made sense because it was in the maths in the second paper that let me down.
The universities took a lot more anticipation and time to get back to me; both of them gave me unconditional offers, so the dilemma was about which to choose.
One was outside of London and one was inside.
The coursework grades hadn't come back yet, because they had to be moderated by our teachers and then the exam boards. I knew that getting my English mark back was a possibility, but there was no way Ms Leva would tell us our history grades.
She was not making that mistake again
As much as I wanted to laugh off the fact that the entire school thought of me as a slut, I no longer had any distractions to help me do so, I felt my throat close slightly as the worry of whispers and talks about me and Chase, but I plastered a smile on my face regardless. "Who cares about what people say?" I lied, my hands almost absentmindedly joining one another as I played with my left thumb with my other.
Audrey ignored me though, staring at her phone instead. "Dean's here," she informed me, the two of us walking towards his car.
════════
The party was so loud we could hear it from inside of Dean's car as he drove up to the house. I didn't recognise whose house we were at but I definitely recognised the group of kids drinking in front of it.
"I'll pick you both up at 11, call me if you need anything at all or if anyone tries to go near either of you without your consent. Lise do where would you like to be dropped off?" He asked sweetly.
"The train station is fine, I can make my way there," I responded, wanting not to bother him.
"I'll drop you to your house." He decided curtly as I smiled.
"Thanks dude," Audrey said awkwardly as she high fived him, finding it uncomfortable to show any affection in front of me, being the incredibly private couple they were.
Audrey and I entered the house as few eyes turned to look at us and although I knew it was merely out of curiousity about who just entered, I couldn't help but want to shrivel up into the ground. As the two of us walked through the slim corridor, I accidentally locked eyes with Nathaniel, who I did not know was going to be here, I immediately pulled them away to avoid him.
"So what do you want to do?" I asked her, unsure of how the party scene worked or how it was even remotely fun. I didn't like dancing because I knew I looked too awkward, I didn't like socialising because I was socially awkward and I wasn't even a fan of the music because it was incredibly loud.
"First," she began, "we get drinks."
"I'm not drinking," I denied immediately. I hated drinking so much. I knew I wasn't entirely a lightweight, but I hated the lack of control I had when I was drunk, saving drinking for occasions where I was with people I knew I could unhinge with and still be safe. This was not the scene for that.
She groaned, "it was worth a try. Let's see if we can find you a closed bottle of water or a can of something to drink."
I smiled, following her to the kitchen where an array of drinks were scattered. I walked closely behind her as she led the way, my eyes skimming across the tables and looking for something that couldn't possibly be spiked. My eyes landed on a can of Fanta, and I tapped on the top just to make sure it hadn't been opened.
Audrey's eyes ran across the room, with her visibly confused on what to do about all the opened cans of beer that she clearly didn't plan to drink from. Her eyes landed on somebody I didn't recognise as she picked up her pace, walking determinedly to him. "Hey Drake" She piped to a tall guy, dark hair and blue eyes.
"Audrey! You made it," he grinned as he turned to look at me, "and you brought a friend." Drake clearly didn't come to our sixth form, because I had never seen him before. He could've gone to one of the neighbouring schools which is why everybody from my school was here, mixed in with unrecognisable faces. I wasn't exactly social enough to mix with kids from other schools, but the others in my sixth form definitely were.
I didn't make eye contact with Drake, instead looking at the ground and hoping they'd finish their conversation so I could follow Audrey around the rest of the night and pray for 11pm to come quickly.
"This is my friend Lise, and we were a bit unsure of whether there are any drugged drinks and which were safe to drink," she explained to him.
He sent a flirty smirk, "I've been saving these beers but giving them to you guys seems like the best use for it," he spoke, reaching into the fridge behind him and pulling out two cold cans of beer, holding it out towards us.
I shook my head politely, holding my Fanta out to show him that I wasn't drinking.
"She's not really an alcohol person unless she's forced into it," Audrey explained simply.
"Lucky for her, same," he smiled warmly, reaching back into the fridge and grabbing another Fanta, this time clearly cold. "Cold seems better," he shrugged as he held it out for me to take, sending a small wink as he extended his arm. I placed my drink down and grabbed the one from his hand, still unaware of how to respond.
"I'm gonna leave you two to it and try and win a game of beer pong," Audrey grinned, walking away.
"Excuse me for a second," I said politely to Drake, my first words to him, as I quickly turned and walked towards Audrey, grabbing her hand and pulling her close to me. "Don't leave me alone! I was planning on following you around all night," I whispered, loud enough for her to hear over the music but quiet enough so Drake didn't hear.
"I know, but he's into you and you need to be with someone who you haven't been best friends with for the past fourteen years," she advised. "Come on! Loosen up, flirt a little bit. If things go wrong, give me a call and I'll bail you out."
I sighed, too tired to argue. "Fine. Come back in ten minutes."
"I'll put a timer on my phone," she teased before turning away.
I took in a deep breath, turning back around to face Drake who leaned casually with a red bull in his hand, staring at me. "You seem lost," he noted.
I nodded, "I'm not a party person."
He chuckled, motioning towards my drink with his head, "I could tell. Regardless, why haven't I heard about you before? I mean-look at you," he had his go at a compliment.
I looked down at my black dress and heels, wondering if he actually believed what he said or was intoxicated by the party atmosphere. "I like to keep to myself," I shrugged.
"But I know everyone in your sixth form, how do I not know you?" He asked once again.
I shrugged, not knowing how to answer. "I'm sure you know of me," I responded, not knowing what else to say. "Nate's girlfriend," I explained.
Drake suddenly looked away, his eyes widening as his mouth parted slightly. "You mean his ex," he corrected. "I do know of you. The innocent, clearly beautiful and incredibly intelligent Annalise."
I pursed my lips, "that's me, I guess."
"I don't know how Nate could have ever let you go," he continued as I felt a shiver down my spine. "It's getting stuffy in here, how about I give you a tour of the house?"
I looked down at the ground, unaware of how to respond. Drake seemed nice enough, but I know I didn't want to be alone with him. "Don't you have to guard the drinks?" I asked him.
He sent me a knowing smile, "you can only guard the drinks for so long, and how often am I going to meet someone like you? Don't worry, every inch of the house of full of people."
I let out a sigh of relief, "okay, let's go."
I let him lead me as I stayed a few steps behind him, checking my phone.
Everything alright? Do you need me to rescue you?
- Audrey
I quickly typed back.
Everything's fine for now, he seems nice enough. Call me in five minutes though.
- Lise
It wasn't long before I got a text back.
Five minutes on the dot. I'll be counting down. Also, I saw Chase with Scarlet. Do you want me to tell him you're here?
- Audrey
No, I need some space from both boys right now. I'm here to meet people I haven't known all my life, remember?
- Lise.
Got it.
- Audrey.
"Everything okay?" Drake asked, slowing down from in front of me enough so he was beside me.
I sent a polite smile, "yeah, just Audrey checking up on me."
"I hope you told her you're safe with me," he teased as I laughed slightly.
"I told her I am for now," I responded with a shrug.
He chuckled, "I'll take whatever I can get." His hand landed on my lower back as he led me forward. "I'll show you the upstairs because it's too crowded downstairs."
I bit my lip nervously, "I don't know if I'm too interested in seeing bedrooms."
He chuckled, "there's an upstairs living room with computer games and a pool table; don't worry I'm sure it's full of people."
I sighed once again, although I wasn't sure if Drake noticed it.
"Still willing to go upstairs? Because we can stay downstairs where it's stuffy and crowded and loud..." he listed teasingly as I laughed.
"Okay, show me the pool table," I gave in, remembering how bad I was at pool but how much fun I had playing it anyway.
Drake, once again, led the way up the stairs, showing me his upstairs. The upstairs, as Drake had claimed, was littered with people, causing me to relax a bit. He sent me a look that almost spelled out "I told you."
"Come on, I'll show you the lounge." He softly grabbed my hand and directed me towards the lounge which was also filled with people, so many that we could barely even enter the room. There was different music upstairs to what there had been downstairs, and for some reason it seemed much louder. Maybe it's just because this room was much smaller than the living room downstairs.
I looked at the pool table which beer cups placed on it instead of the normal pool balls or cues and I rolled my eyes.
"I should've expected this," Drake shook his head in amusement. "A pool table is a perfect place for beer pong."
"Why would you let it go to waste?" I asked jokingly as he laughed.
"Come on, let's hope the one in my room isn't being used to aid a drinking game."
Who has two pool tables in the same house?
I nodded regardlsss, trying to push past the dozens of people which flooded the upstairs. He opened the door, stepping into the room before me whilst I followed. I looked down at my feet as I entered, ensuring that I didn't trip on anybody else's feet as I heard the door close behind me. The room was empty and I found myself clutching my phone between my hand, praying the five minutes were to be up soon.
"It's kinda cold in here, let's go back outside," I mentioned, afraid of being alone with someone I had met merely minutes ago.
"It's just because the window's open. I'll close it," he said, sending a charming smile as he headed towards the windows in his room. "Let me get the pool equipment, you make yourself comfortable," he said, heading into a small closet and reaching up into a basket with pool balls. He grabbed the cues from beside him and brought them all back into the room, setting up the pool table as I watched.
"Do you know how to play?" He asked as he handed me a cue.
"I was taught once," I shrugged, "but I should remember."
"You can break," Drake said politely, waiting for me to comply.
I tried to recall what Chase had taught me when we went on our first date, but thinking back merely reminded me of his body close to mine, our skins touching and his breath was patterning my neck. That was all I could focus on then, and because of that, I could barely remember what he taught me. I didn't know if the goosebumps that appeared on my arms were due to the cold room or the memory of Chase.
"Here, let me," Drake smiled, inching himself towards me as he attempted to show me how to play, much like Chase had on that date.
Except it felt wrong.
I felt uncomfortable under his touch and I knew it was wrong. I tried to shrug him off but his grip on me just got tighter.
As his hands landed on me, my phone began to buzz. "You won't need this," Drake murmured next to me, covering my phone with his hand, grabbing it off the table and throwing it onto the bed.
At least my phone was safe.
"I think I need to go," I said quietly, trying to escape him.
His grip on my hands tightened, my body trapped between his and the pool table. "Not yet you don't," he mumbled. His right hand was removed from my wrist and found it sliding up my thigh, lifting my dress up slightly as his hand went beneath it.
"Please stop," I tried to beg, struggling against him, but his strong hands kept me trapped.
"Don't act like you don't want this. Of course I've heard about you, beautiful yes, intelligent yes, but how innocent can you be if you were with Nate and Chase at the same time? You've been with Parker, you want this."
I struggled as he lowered his head to reach the nape of my neck, "if I wanted this to happen, I wouldn't have protested about being alone with you," I responded, my snarky comments not ceasing even in times like this.
His hands loosened from my wrist and thigh, reaching up to my waist and gripping it so tight I could barely breathe, feeling his fingers mould into my skin. "That's called being a tease. And I can only tolerate it for so long."
Once again his hands roamed my body as I struggled, grasping at every part of my body, from my chest to my thighs as he sloppily felt me up, still kissing my neck roughly. I could barely breathe, let alone talk or scream for help, my struggling taking up all of my energy. I could indistinctly hear my phone ring on the bed as I desperately tried to reach it, but his body caging me against the table was a barrier.
"This isn't any fun," he muttered to himself, placing his lips on mine and forcing a kiss as I struggled to take any breaths.
His hands found the bottom of the, already short, dress, tearing it carelessly as he continued to roam his hands along my skin.
There was a knock on the door and I tried to scream, or shout or even bang against the table to make some type of noise but I was too restrained. I tried to do everything I was taught when learning about situations like these, knee him, punch his neck, anything.
But I couldn't.
He stepped back slightly, reaching for his belt buckles as I took a deep breath, finding the courage to knee him where I was taught to. It took all of my remaining energy, my muscles aching from resisting his body, my face still from the shock, not knowing how to react, not knowing if I should cry, or why I wasn't crying.
Drake doubled over in pain, "You bitch," he seethed as I kicked off my heels and ran towards the door, pulling it open so at least people could see me.
As I pulled it open, I ran down the corridor to see Audrey's back, her phone in her hand as she ran her hand through her hair, unaware of me being behind her.
"Audrey," I choked, finding it hard to even say her name, my throat closed up from the shock of what had happened.
Hearing her name she immediately turned around, "where were you-" she interrupted herself, taking in my lack of shoes and ripped dress, and her eyes softening in sympathy.
"Lise-" she breathed, her eyes watering in sympathy and realisation of what had happened. "Oh my god,"
she whispered, wrapping her arms tightly around me. I finally felt tears spill as I processed all of what had happened, sobbing into her arms. I didn't want to let go of her, feeling safe in her arms as she held me protectively, knowing I was safe in front of the dozens of people, even if they were too preoccupied with their own lives to notice mine.
As I pulled away, I saw Chase running up the stairs, also on the phone, "Audrey, pick up I couldn't find her or Drake anywhere," he said, probably into Audrey's voicemail. He looked up to see Audrey's arms protecting me.
He paused for a moment, staring at me for what felt like ages, his eyes roaming from the tear at the bottom of my dress to my tear stained face, my hair messily covering half of it. "Where is he?" Chase asked, his eyes fuelled by anger as his fists were tightly clenched.
I shook my head, afraid of what he would do, but I knew that if Chase put his mind to something, he would get it done.
"Take her to my car," were the last words he said to either of us before he walked behind me.
I stopped as Audrey tried to help me walk, turning around slightly as I called behind, "Chase!" I croaked, his body turning to face me as I felt my throat close up, "my phone's in there."
Chase nodded before turning back around.
19/03/18
30/07/18