Andy hit me and laughed out loud. I didn’t scream, I didn’t say anything. A second hit. A third, a fourth, a fifth. Then I couldn’t take it anymore. “Aahhh” I moaned in pain, tears falling from my eyes now. “Stop it” I cried. “P-please” I begged him. “Never” he glared. “I love to see you in pain”
“Please-please stop it aahhhh” I cried.
“Ash? Ashley?” Andy gently shook me awake. I screamed, terrifying he would hit me again. “Shh… Ashley, it’s okay. It was all a bad dream… Shh…” Andy hugged me and clutched me to his chest. “I-I’m sorry, did I-I wake you up?” I asked when I came to my senses again. “Yeah, but don’t worry about that buddy, by the looks you had a nightmare.” Andy’s face looked so peaceful. Like he didn’t care I screamed him awake at 03.20 AM.
“Do you wanna tell me what it was about?” Andy softly asked, looking me straight in the eyes. I quickly nodded ‘no’. I didn’t wanna think back to it. A tear slowly slid down my face. Andy whipped it away. “Shall I stay here?” he asked. I nodded; of course fuck yes I wanted him to stay the night in my bunk! Of course I know there will nothing ‘happen’, but I just like the feeling of him, hanging around me.
I shifted in my bed, making space for Andy to lay down. I stared at the ceiling and saw the ‘plate’. I sniffled. “Ash? Are you okay?” Andy whispered. I pretended to sleep. I really hate it when I do that; when I was young, sometimes my uncle came looking for me in the evening when he went to bed. He always opened my door a bit to see if I was okay, if I slept, or if I wanted to talk. I always pretended to sleep. I never slept; I got just a little sleep as kid, now I still don’t get much sleep. I’m just to busy with thinking about things. I didn’t want my uncle to know I was depressive. That would be such a disappointment for him. I mean, I was his favorite cousin. And he was my favorite uncle, and I didn’t want to bother him with my problems. I sniffled again.
“Ashley?” Andy whispered again. I could keep the act until a stifled sob escaped. “Ashley” Andy said. “I-I’m sorry” I whispered. “Shh… it is okay Ashley” Andy wrapped his arms around me. We were still both laying in my bed. I lay my head down on his chest. “You know, I’m not a pillow” Andy giggled. I blushed. Thank god that it was dark in my bunk and he couldn’t see my blushing again. “I know that, Andy, but you’re comfy” I giggled back. I imagined the smile that would be on Andy’s face now. Andy ruffled my hair and held me tighter.
“Good night Ashley” he whispered before pressing his lips softly against my head. “Good night Andy” I whispered back. And I fell asleep again, feeling so special now laying in Andy’s arms.
---
The next morning I woke up and felt something poking in my back. ‘Well god damn it’ I thought ‘what the fuck is that?’. Then I turned my head to see Andy sleeping next to me, with his elbow poking in my back. But hello, it was Andy. Suddenly I didn’t care anymore I woke up because of something poking in my back. I mean, it was Andy. I picked up my phone which was lying next to my pillow. I unlocked it and read the time. 10.17 AM. Wow, so late already? It surprises my Jake hasn’t woke us up yet.
By the time I thought that, I heard footsteps; Jake. I quickly closed my eyes again, pretending to sleep. “Hey, boys, wake up” Jake gently nudged me and Andy in our arms, causing us to open our eyes slowly. Andy immediately hugged me tight. “Morning Ash” he said giggling. “Wait, are you two…” Jake’s jaw dropped “Are you together?” he asked.
“No!” Andy immediately answered and let go of me. “No, Jake” I indignant said, a light fake laugh in my voice. It hit me so hard Andy had directly almost shouted no. you see, he doesn’t like me, he doesn’t like me at all. Nobody likes me. Andy got up and left the bunk without saying a word. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat.
I grabbed my phone, a few seconds later, James Bunt his voice sounded though the peers in my ears.
Beautiful dawn, lights up the shore for me
There is nothing else in the world
I’d rather wake up and see (with you)
Beautiful dawn, I’m just chasing time again
Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night
You see, Andy doesn’t like me at all. It’s just like in my dream; he doesn’t care about me. But then; he came this night to me because I had a nightmare. But yeah, maybe that was just because he woke up from my (probably annoying) screaming. And he wanted to sleep, so he came here to shut me up. But then; he ‘kissed’ me good night. But maybe that was just to give me a ‘safe’ feeling, so I wouldn’t wake up screaming again.
But now I’m high, running wild among, all the stars above
Sometimes it’s hard to believe you remember me
Fuck my life. I broke down again, I tried to keep it quiet, but that didn’t work for long apparently because CC came to my bunk. He opened the little curtain and sat down next to me at my bed. “Hey Ash, what’s going on buddy?” he asked and wrapped his arm around me. “N-Nothing” I sobbed “I’m fine”
“But Ashley, you’re crying, that means you’re not okay, you can tell me everything buddy, I’m here to listen, I’m here for you. And if you don’t wanna tell me, that’s okay, you can tell Jake or Jinxx or Andy” he softly said. By hearing Andy’s name I broke down again and hugged CC tight. He hugged me back. “I-It’s not that I don’t wanna tell, I just can’t” I whispered. CC nodded understandingly. “It’s okay buddy, don’t be upset about it… if you can’t tell, it’s okay for me, I’m not going to let you say things you won’t. I’ll wait until you’re ready for it” he gave me a warm smile and rubbed his hand at my back, comforting me. I let my head rest on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. It was calm and steady. It comforted me and I came to my senses again.
“I-I’m sorry” I whispered. “Why would you be sorry?” CC replied.
“Because I’m crying like a five year old boy now?” “Don’t worry about that Ashley, we all have our moments that we just break down and can do nothing else than cry, I also have them” he assured me.
Yeah, but CC always knows how to act happy. I mean, he’s such a great guy; he’s always nice to his fans, he’s a hell of a drummer, and he’s a real ladies man. And then you see me; I break down when I feel like shit, I’m not always nice to my fans, and I’m just a stupid bass player, and yeah, than about the ladies. Yeah, fucking hell I fucked a lot of girls, but I had once a real relationship. I’m not romantic and I’m ugly. I’m too fat and I’m just worthless.
About the relationship; that one was with Kina. The day I first met her I totally fell in love with her; we started messing around and it ended with sex in the bathroom of the nightclub where I met her. That was before I met Andy. Though the guys know Kina. They met her because I was still in a relation with her the first time I joined Black Veil Brides. Quick after we broke up. I didn’t matter though, I fell in love with Andy. The guys really hate Kina. All I hear them say is; skank, whore, slut etc. things like that. I mean, they’re right, but at the other side; Kina can be a really sweet woman.
“You know ash, sometimes I wish I would know what you’re thinking about. There are so many times you just get in a trance and then you don’t pay attention to anything in the world, you’re sunk in your thoughts… that’s so weird sometimes” CC said. “My mind would terrify you” I replied, a slight smile creeping on my lips. I’m serious. I think that if CC could see my thoughts at first he would be terrified because of the fact that I’m gay. Not that CC has something against gay people, but just the fact that I am gay. I’m always the playboy ladies man in the band. Well I’ve always been but actually I never was. Confusing. Well, and then the thoughts about my past about what happened to me and my family.
“Ashley” I snapped out of my trance again “You’re doing it again” CC laughed. “Sorry” I said as I got red. “Never mind buddy” CC smiled to me. “Hey guys” Jinxx called us. “Yeah?” CC shouted back. “We’re in Vegas” Jinxx words made CC’s eyes shining. I laughed. “What?” “You should have seen your eyes when Jinxx said we’re in Vegas” I grinned. CC has such a funny head. I smiled to myself.
CC and I got out of my bunk. I felt a bit better now. We both sat down at the soft chair. The chair is so big there can sit two full grown men at it. It’s almost a couch, but yet it isn’t. Complicated. “I made a playlist for tonight’s show” Andy started “It’s now umm…” he picked up his phone and read the time “right now it’s 03.00 PM, that means four hours to go until the show.”
“What are we playing?” Jinxx asked happily. He loves performing. We all do, but he’s always so happy. It’s such a great thing to see. Also he’s happy because he has a beautiful girlfriend, Sammi Doll, they are perfect together. They’re so sweet. There was one time they did a photo shoot and it was so cute when Jinxx kissed her. And we were just all like ‘aaahw’.
“Do you agree with that too Ash?” Jake asked. “Huh what?” I snapped out of my trance. “Are you okay buddy?” Jinxx asked concerned. “What yeah I’m fine” I said, faking a smile.
Andy reached me the paper with our playlist on it. I read it.
- Die for you
- Rebel love song
- Rebel yell
- [break]
- Love isn’t always fair
What? Seriously Andy. All LOVE SONGS. Well, they’re rock n roll love songs, but still. It’s all about love. “Andy, are you in love?” Jake asked suddenly. “Maybe” he answered. I know enough. Andy is in love, I know for sure. “Andy, tell us. Who is it?” CC asked surprised. “Nobody” Andy answered. “Awh please tell us” Jake begged. “Nobody, it’s a friend of Danny” “Danny from Asking?” Jinxx asked. Andy nodded. Well fuck. If that girl knows that Andy likes her, then there’s no chance for me anymore. Fuck it.
I swallowed hard. I felt like crying. “Ashley, I can see in your eyes you’re not okay. Tell me, what’s wrong?” Jinxx asked me. “Nothing” I said, tears begun to roll down my cheeks now. I stood up and walked quickly to my bunk. Jake came after me.