When I wake up I'm quick to go shower and get dressed. I make Harry's guest bed, fold his tee neatly and make my way to the kitchen. Harry kindly borrowed me a t-shirt of his. Very cliché I know, but I didn't bring anything to sleep in considering I thought I'd be sleeping at home. And the fact that I'm reusing my dirty underwear is bad enough already. I'm happy he didn't make me sleep in my blouse or half naked. Somehow I find sleeping topless uncomfortable. I don't like my shoulders to be bare when I sleep. It makes me too cold somehow. However, although I'm sure it wasn't what Harry had in mind we didn't sleep in the same bed nor did we sleep in the same room, and yet I still feel dirty. I can't shake the thought that this has been incredibly wrong, yet at the same time I can't find it in me to leave. I don't know what's happening to me. It's both scary and exhilarating.
I search the kitchen for food, yet the only thing I find is oats, an expired milk and some fruits. While wondering when Harry last had a home cooked meal and did grocery shopping I pour the milk down the sink. While the oatmeal finishes on the stove, I start chopping up an apple and turn on the kettle. Harry comes into view. He's put his sweatpants back on, and the tee I saw him in last night is hanging from his torso once more. He looks rather exhausted, yet I prefer this attire compared to his work clothes. He looks more relaxed this way, but tired nonetheless.
"How you feeling?"
"Alright," he says flashing me a smile. "Just having a runny nose that's all."
"You look exhausted," I state pouring the grounded coffee into the French press. I'm surprised he even has one, but he must have bought one for his home too after I told him how I make coffee.
"Im fine. Now what are you making?"
"Sorry, but you barely had any food. The only thing I could come up with was oatmeal," I say motioning to the stove.
"Don't worry about it, it smells nice."
"I added cinnamon," I say stating the obvious. The smell is rather prominent. "So are you planning on going to work today? Your head isn't hurting? You said your nose is running. Are you alright?"
Harry grabs the boiling water and pours it into the French press. "As much as I loved the working arrangements from yesterday, I think I'll have to get into the office today. I'm feeling much better than I did yesterday thanks to you."
"Glad I could be of service," I say turning off the stove, and as I'm about to search for bowls Harry beats me to it as if reading my mind.
"You're a life saviour," he says, and my heart skips a beat. "I mean it, I don't know what I'd do without you. It really means a lot to have you here. And I appreciate everything you do for me."
I send him a smile as I arrange the food into the bowls. I don't know how to reply to his words.
"You know I bought that because of you," he says pointing at the French press. Is he psychic?
"Figured it's the best way to make coffee?"
"Exactly," he says smiling as I finish up chopping the apple. "How did you sleep?" He asks changing the topic, and for a brief moment my voice gets lost in my throat.
"Good," I say unsure of how to reply. I couldn't fall asleep. Too many butterflies were dancing around inside my stomach and my heart was beating at an abnormal speed. I couldn't stop thinking of Harry and I and everything that could be if he wasn't with Kaia.
"This is great coffee," he states as he takes his first sip around the kitchen table.
"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"
"Definitely. You see, if I use the same coffee and the same method as you, somehow it tastes different," he says with a smile.
"You sure you're adding enough coffee?" I ask, and he shrugs.
"I wouldn't know. Perhaps, it just tastes better when someone else makes it," he says, and I have to agree. Somehow things just tastes better when you don't have to make it yourself, just like someone else's touch just always feels better than your own.
"I know what you mean."
We eat in silence. My mind is playing with me practically ordering me to leave, but I don't oblige. I stay, because there's no place I'd rather be right now. I know that may be wrong, but I can't deny what my heart wants.
I notice Harry has finished his oats, and I grab both bowls and take them to the dishwasher.
"You don't have to do this, you know," he says wrapping his arms around me from behind and nudges my neck. Butterflies erupt from my stomach, and I wonder how we went from colleagues to this in what feels like a day's time. I don't understand how this comes so naturally. Am I weak for not pushing him away and leaving?
"I know," I say and turn around to face him. "I should leave. I'm already going to be late for work. I can't show up in yesterday's clothes. People will talk."
"Let them talk. Nothing happened," he says sending me a smile.
"I don't wanna show up like this. I'll see you later," I say. "That is if you're going to work?"
"I am," he says and pecks my lips and for a moment I forget about work and everything else. All I can focus on is Harry. That is until his lips leaves mine.
"I'll see you then," I say wondering how I'm going to focus with Harry around. I'm damned already. Why do we do stupid things when we're in love? And why do we let ourselves fall for the wrong people? I already hate the fact that I'll never get to call him mine, and we haven't even begun something serious. In a matter of fact, I have no idea what we are. I guess we've passed the state of just being colleagues, yet that doesn't bring me any further to what we are.
"I'll get you an uber," he says as I head towards the door, and I stop in my tracks knowing there's no arguing him. Somehow he always seem to get his way.
"You know I don't want to argue with you," I say crossing my arms.
"Then don't," he smirks looking at his phone, most likely getting a car.
"But you need to stop doing this," I try to give him a stern tone but fail.
"Do what?" He teases with a smile playing over his lips as his face is buried in his phone.
"Do things like this for me, I can take perfectly good care of myself."
"I'm aware of that. That doesn't mean it's not okay to ask for help. You know a strong woman isn't someone who does everything on her own. A strong woman is someone who isn't afraid to ask others for help."
"You giving me a psychology lesson?" I ask as he places his phone in his pocket.
"No, I'm just trying to teach you that it's okay to let others help you out. Especially when they are offering," he says with a soft smile no longer any teasing to his voice.
"I'm aware. Thanks," I say as I flash him a smile. I know he's right, but somehow part of me feels like he's trying to buy me off, and I'm beginning to feel like a gold digger although I never asked him nor do I expect him to pay for me. Perhaps this is the reason I'm drawn to him? No I shake the thought away immediately. I don't care about these things. What I care about is the little things Harry does and not the fact that he always have a tendency to buy for my food or my ride. It's the small things that he does, the fact that he always thanks me for his morning coffee, and that he always asks how I am and how when I was sick he came to me even if I didn't ask him to. The fact that he just does things without being asked is a big plus. I feel like he already knows me better than anyone else, somehow he just knows whatever I need without being told.
In the evening after work, I tell Bonnie everything concerning Harry. By the way she's looking at I get a feeling she thinks I'm losing my mind. "Say something," I say. I want her opinion on him because I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. Or I am, but I'm not sure if that's also the right thing for me.
"I don't know what to say," she says sipping her tea.
"Am I crazy for feeling like I do?"
"No," she sends me a small smile, "you're not crazy. but I'm not sure you should give into it. You say he's in a relationship and he's engaged. From what I can hear you say, he's not willing to give up his life with her. And if you get involved with him things will get messy."
"They already are," I say staring at my feet, resting on top of the couch, my knees are bend and my arms rest on top of them. "I don't know what to do, Bon. I know the right thing would be not to let him on, but I can't get him out of my mind. And when I'm with him, I feel happy. Like really happy. It's like I can just be myself around him. I haven't felt like this with anyone before. It's like he really understands me," I say meeting her eyes.
"But he isn't committed to you."
"But does it really matter?" I wonder out loud.
"You shouldn't settle for anyone, Leah."
"I know," I sigh, "but I really like him. I can't help but think that there's no one else out there for me, and right now I don't even want to know if there is. I just want him," I confess, feeling a lump form in my throat. I can't believe I just said that. Suddenly I feel vulnerable. Why can't she just tell me what I want to hear? Why can't she tell me that it's okay to feel the way I feel? Perhaps I should have called Maddie instead, at least with Hugh she told me just to have some fun for once. God had I forgotten about Hugh. Why is it that I'm attracted to all the wrong men? Sometimes I if there's something's wrong with me and that I'll never find a decent man who's actually there for me and treats me the way I deserve. But right now I don't even care about that. All I want is Harry.
"Half of the world's population is men. There're plenty of men out there, and although not all are great nor the right fit for you, I'm sure you'll find someone you connect with," she says meeting my eyes, and I let out a sigh. "But I do understand where you're coming from," she adds, "it's always nice getting a bit of attention. I can understand why you're drawn to him, but do remember that you'll never be his number one priority. You shouldn't settle for someone when you can find someone else who are there for you one hundred percent."
"Yeah, you're right," I say staring down at my hands totally disagreeing with her. It isn't a question of whether or not he is giving me what I deserve. It isn't about the fact that I am settling with him in the thought of not thinking I can do any better. It is about the fact that I don't want to be alone. Yes, I like my own company, yet it just isn't the same. I can handle the twosomeness, but I can no longer handle the loneliness. The thought of being alone already sends shivers down my spine. I guess it's human nature to feel this way. We all need the comfort of someone else's company. I don't think it's human possible to live in complete isolation from other people, and even if it was, I wouldn't want to. I've come to realise that this place where I'm not alone feels so much more comfortable than before. I'm not ready to let go of that. I hope I'm not crazy for thinking like this. Kaia constantly lurks in the back of my mind, and I know what Harry and I are doing is wrong. Yet having a bit of fun isn't criminal, and it's not like Harry and I have slept together. I shouldn't feel guilty for my feelings for him, it's not like I can control them anyway. Just as long as we don't take things any further there's no harm done and we can still enjoy each other's company. At least that's what I tell myself, although I know that I'm about to give in to him, and honestly I don't trust myself with him. Whoever said that we do crazy things when we're in love was right. I just wasn't aware how crazy the ride would get.