I wake up once more to find Harry's arm secured around me and although his action makes me smile, I'm also filled with an empty emotion inside. We really shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't have stayed the night, and I'm beginning to think that it was wrong of me to have come in the first place.
Careful not to wake him, I remove his arm and climb out of bed sending him a smile. He really does look adorable in his sleep. I divert my gaze away from him in search for my clothes trying to remember what happened to it last night. Somehow having Harry borrow me one of his tees sounds so much more sexual now than it did last night. My mind wants to scream at me for not thinking at all. I wonder if we all act desperately when we feel lonely? All we did was sleep, but somehow it feels so wrong because of how good it made me feel. I wasn't aware of how good it can feel to feel a man's touch in the middle of the night.
"Stay in bed." His voice takes me aback, and I turn around to give him a soft look. There's nothing that I want more than to stay in this bed with him, curled up in his arms and forget about everything else. But what we've been doing is so wrong. I feel like I've already grown closer to him than I would if we actually had sex together and somehow I'm feeling dirty as hell. The intimacy of just sleeping with him has already pulled me in far too deep, and I feel that if I don't get out now I won't be able to. I don't want to be that other woman. As much as I like him, I can't do this to myself.
"Go back to sleep, Harry," I say trying to give him a smile, but I fail and instead I put on my socks and turn my back to him.
"Not unless you join me," he says pulling at my arm. I close my eyes wanting to enjoy his touch, although I know I shouldn't.
"Harry, stop it. We can't do this. You need to go to work and so do I," I say trying to avoid the subject of her.
"I've talked to the boss, you won't get in trouble for this," he says, and I can hear the joy in his voice. I don't want to be the one to break it.
"Harry," I say short-breathed as my eyes meet his. "We can't do this," I say shaking my head. "You're with somebody else."
He nudges my neck and grabs my chin to force me to look at him. "In another world, you'd be the only woman in my life," he says surprising me with his confession. Is that really how he feels about me? The look he gives me is so raw, and I just want to kiss him and forget that Kaia even exists. He has technically just confessed how much I mean to him.
"But I'm not," I say feeling myself cracking. I don't want to cry, but I feel like I'm losing him although there's nothing to lose. He's not mine, and what we have is based on a lie. It's based on this wonderful dream that will never be anything but. He has his world, and I have mine and somehow the two just don't connect.
I look at the floor to avoid his gaze. I feel like he's playing with me. It feels like I'm just a piece he can move around as he pleases. "Look at me," he says, and I oblige noticing how the duvet falls down revealing his chest as he sits up. My heart skips a beat as I look him in the eyes. He can tell I'm on the verge of tears because he wipes my eyes before any tears can even begin to fall. "I don't need anybody but you," he states taking me by surprise once more, and a shiver runs down my spine.
"Yet, I'm not enough," I sigh hating myself for staying in the first place when it's making me feel this bad.
"You are, Leah. I don't want you to ever think differently. You're more than enough."
"But your life is complicated, right?"
"Right," he agrees with me, and I want to knock some sense into him. He's 26 for god's sake. When does he stop doing what his parents tell him to do?
I turn around and head to look for the rest of my clothes. "Leah," his voice startles me as I realise he's right behind me. He places a hand on my shoulder.
"Don't touch me, Harry. In a matter of fact, I think it best if I leave," I say even if that is the last thing I want. I want to stay more than anything, but I also want him to leave his fiancée and disobey his parents. But apparently, they matter more to him than I do.
"You don't mean that," he says sounding wounded as his hand leaves my shoulder.
"I do," I say turning around. "As I said, I'm not enough. If I was, we wouldn't be sneaking around like this. You have a fiancée remember?"
"It doesn't matter," he says biting his bottom lip.
"Are you hearing yourself correctly right now? Of course, it does, Harry."
"It shouldn't," he says and grabs me by the wrist. He looks broken, and he resembles the little boy I thought I saw at the light of dawn.
"But what if I can't shake off the thought of her?"
"Can't you try?" His eyes meet mine, and he gives me a pleading look. "-for me. I don't want you to go. Please stay," he says, and I look at him feeling defeated.
"I can- try," I say wrapping my arms around him. I relax my head on his shoulder with a sigh. I can try to pretend that Kaia doesn't exist, but we both know how this will end. One of us will end up hurt and that someone is bound to be me. There's no other outcome, and I just can't help but wonder whether or not I'm ready for the fall.
"You should put on some clothes." I let go of him and grab my pants. "See you in the kitchen," I say as I put my pants back on and head to the kitchen to look for food. I'll have to go home and change. There's no chance I'll be going to work in the same outfit as the day before. I don't want anyone to get any ideas about Harry and me.
"How did you sleep?" I ask making conversation as Harry enters the kitchen. He didn't dress. Such a tease he is.
"Slept better than I think I have for weeks, months even," he states, and I can't help but smile.
"Glad I could help," I say turning on the kettle for coffee. I slightly jump when I feel Harry's nose nudging my neck.
"I didn't mean to scare you," he says making goosebumps arise all over my body. I'm not sure how to feel about having him this close to me.
"You're alright," I say as I feel my heart thumping in my chest. He wraps his arms around me and without thinking I place mine on top of his.
I close my eyes savouring the closeness. I wouldn't mind staying like this forever. His fingers start playing with the hem of his t-shirt, the one that I'm wearing and goosebumps cover my body all over again. I hitch and close my eyes wondering if I should go there. I want to, but at the same time, I'm not sure it's a good idea. It's honestly scary as hell. Especially since I haven't been doing it for six years.
I let go of Harry's hands as I feel him pull at the t-shirt. And without thought I let him pull it off of me leaving my top half completely exposed. Out of instinct, I cross my arms to cover myself, and Harry pulls at my right arm to turn me around. I'm practically certain my heart stops beating at that moment. I don't understand how you can want something so badly while not wanting it at all. My life is good the way it is, or so it was. Before Harry, it wasn't complicated at all. Now it's complicated and confusing and scary, and yet I'm letting all of it in with open arms. I can't help but wonder why.
Harry leans in and presses his lips against mine, and I press my chest firmly against his and place my hands on his nape. Our tongues explore each other's mouths, and when Harry's hands grab my thighs I jump and wrap my legs around his torso. For a brief moment, he pulls back and sends me a smile and then he connects his lips with mine once more. My arousal grows, and I can feel myself getting wet. At the same time, I can feel a small bulge forming through his boxers. In that moment, all rational thoughts have disappeared and all that matter is him. He lifts me up on the countertop and reaches for my pants. He stops his actions and takes a long look at me, and I look away not wanting to know what he's thinking. I haven't let a man see me for six years. Harry doesn't say anything and I feel him unbuckling my pants as our lips connect once more. I let go of his lips and jump down to let my pants fall to the floor, and then I grab Harry's hand to lead him to his bedroom. He's probably checking out my bum. But he's already seen me in my underwear, so I don't mind. I'm still frightened though. But a good frightened. Like when you're at an amusement park and you're uncertain of whether or not you should try a certain ride. It's not that you don't want to, but at the same time, you're scared to do so. It's silly really because you know you'll be alright afterwards. I know I'll be alright after this too, but I just can't help but think that my thighs are too big and that I have too much cellulite. What if Harry thinks my body is ugly? What if he thinks my stretch marks are ugly? What if he sees the small hairs on my belly? What if I haven't shaved properly?
"Lee?" His name for me brings me back to reality, and my eyes meet his as I lay down on his bed. "You alright?" He asks, and I nod. Apparently, that's all the confirmation he needs, because he presses his lips against mine and while he does I feel him pulling down my underwear. I can't believe this is actually happening and with Harry. I would lie to myself if I said I hadn't played this scene out in my head several times, but I just never thought it'd actually happen.
My heart is thumping hard against my rib cage, and I'm uncertain if it has ever been beating this hard before. The adrenaline is pumping in my body, and when I feel the underwear leave my body I stop breathing for just a moment. It's not that I don't want this. I do and my arousal is proof of that, yet, last time wasn't exactly a good experience, and I just fear that the same will happen this time. Then again if that's the case it'll be over quite soon.
I moan softly when Harry's fingers find my clit. The feeling is foreign. I've touched myself before but somehow it seems 10 times more intense than when I do it myself. "H-Harry." His name comes out short-breathed between moans, and when he doesn't react, I'm certain he thinks I'm only moaning his name. "Haaarry," I try again, and his eyes meet mine. "Stop," I say, and he looks at me with confusion in his eyes and stops his actions.
"I have to tell you something," I say looking away as I feel my heart in my throat. I can't believe I'm actually going to tell him this.
"What is it?" He asks pulling a string of hair behind my ear.
"I h-haven't done this," I sigh. "I haven't done this for six years."
"You haven't had sex in six years?" He asks but he doesn't seem to mind.
I shake my head. "No. And it only happened once," I admit wishing I had told him this before I was completely naked underneath him.
"You've just had sex once?" He wonders. He's sounds shocked. I should just bury myself already.
"Yeah."
"So have you gotten an orgasm before?" He asks curiously, and I feel my cheeks heat up. Why does he have to be so blunt?
"Yes, by myself," I confess biting my lip.
"Right. You know there's nothing wrong with that. It makes this all the more special. I promise you'll enjoy this," he says, pecks my lips and continues to rub my clit as if I hadn't just said anything. He leans in to kiss me while he continues his actions, and I grab him by the nape. I don't know what I've gotten myself into, but I sure like every moment of it.
He lets go of my lips and I close my eyes unsure of what's to come. Without warning, I feel his tongue on my clit, and I gasp at the sudden feeling that rushes through my body. I've never felt someone's mouth between my legs, yet I can't say that I'm complaining. The feeling is indescribable, and I don't think I ever want him to stop.
Soft moans begin to escape my lips, and Harry leans back and flashes me a smile, but the moment is short-lived as I feel him licking my folds while his other hand finds my clit, once more. He's good. I have to give him that. I've never felt this good before. It doesn't take long before I start to tense up. Tingles run through my body harder and more intense than ever before. My moans have grown more rapid, and then I feel my climax hit. For a moment it's like I stop breathing.
Harry removes his mouth from in between my legs and lets go of my clit. Instead, he grabs my sides and kisses me all the way from my belly to my lips, and I feel tingles run through my body once more. "I told you, you'd enjoy it," he says flashing me a smile, and I feel myself blushing again. There's no denying there. I definitely didn't have to fake anything.
"You ready for round two?" He asks with a smirk.
I nod. "Y-yeah," I say as he stares into my eyes. Has this man always been this beautiful? The way he is staring at me is making me fall for him a little harder.
"Give me a sec," he says and reaches over to open the drawer of his bedside table. A condom. Of course. I want to scold myself for not thinking. Thus, I'm on the pill due to bad period cramps, but that doesn't mean I can be certain Harry doesn't have anything. I should really be more careful.
Harry cascades his boxers and soon after he looks at me with the condom on. My muscles in my abdomen tense up. I haven't been with anyone for so long. This will most likely hurt unless somehow I learn how to relax. Harry leans over me and I wrap my legs around him, but he doesn't enter me just yet. Our lips connect, and I start rubbing my clit to relax, Harry soon takes over my actions and when I feel him entering me I want to bite my lip but instead, I bite down on Harry's, and he quickly pulls back and sends me a look.
"I'm sorry," I laugh and as I do Harry pulls in even further taking me by surprise. He lies still for a moment, and I lean in to kiss him. In that moment I don't hear anything else but our rapid breathes. I don't feel anything but his skin against mine, and I'm well aware that nothing else matters. In this moment all I care about is him, and the way he is making me feel. He leaves soft kisses on my collarbone as he pulls himself in and out of me. I moan out in pleasure and tug lightly at his hair as I do so. He makes me fell wanted and treasured, and I'm honestly surprised by how good he is making me feel. I don't believe that any one-night-stand would be able to make me feel the way I do right now. I'm glad I didn't listen to Maddie's stupid idea about going on Tinder. It just wouldn't be the same because they don't make me feel the way Harry does. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but somehow he makes me feel damn good about myself. It's like he sees me and understands me in ways that others don't. Somehow, he knows exactly what it is that I want.
I push Harry's hair out of his face and take a good long look at him in silence. He's seriously hot, and I love how his hair falls down and frames his face. "Hi," I say biting my lip. But my eyes are saying everything. I'm happy.
"Hi," he chuckles back as he stops his actions for a moment and takes a good long look at me too. If only I knew exactly what he was thinking about me, but the way he is looking at me definitely makes my heart beat a bit faster. He bends both my legs and pushes them down to give himself better access, and then he continues his thrusting motions. He grabs my chin with one hand and leans in to explore my mouth with his tongue. His other hand rubs my clit which sends tingles throughout my body, and the tension inside my body builds up.
He pulls out only to whisper in my ear, "turn around." Without question I oblige, although I must admit I'm both a bit nervous and exhilarated for this.
"So obedient you are," he whispers back into my ear, and I feel goosebumps arise on my skin. I can only imagine the smirk on his face as he says that. "I like it," he says and I bite my lip knowing I'm blushing. Hopefully, he doesn't notice as I'm now lying with my back to him. I feel him tapping my legs and out of instinct, I buckle my knees so that my butt is up in the air. I have never tried this position before, and although part of me is nervous I'm certain Harry knows what he's doing. And I want to explore everything with him.
"Just relax," he says. I don't know if he can feel me tensing up but he grabs two fingers around my clit and starts rubbing it. That definitely does something to me, and before I know it he's back inside of me, which leaves me out of breath for a moment. This feels different than before, it isn't a bad feeling though. He pushes all the way inside of me and I feel him deeper inside of me than before. He pulls out only to push back inside and as one of his hands continues to play with my clit the other plays with my right breast. Moans escape both our lips, and when he fastens his actions, it doesn't take long before my body tense up once more. I feel myself reaching my high. God, the things he does to me. He lets go of both my breast and my clit and instead grabs my thighs probably to steady himself. He pushes into me a couple of times, and then he fills up the condom. For a moment none of us move as we both get down from our highs. He places a feathery kiss on my shoulder before he pulls out of me. I don't turn around at first, and when I do the condom is gone. I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything as I sit up in his bed to look at him. Without a word, he leans in to peck my lips. "I'd like to ask if you enjoyed it, but I already know the answer," he says with a smirk, and my heart skips a beat. Is he torturing me on purpose?
"Well, I surely wasn't the only one," I tease back.
"You're damn right about that. How can I not when I'm having sex with someone like you?"
I smile uncertain of how to reply to his words. "Shower with me?" He asks staring at me with his beautiful green eyes.
"I'd like that," I say unsure of where this newfound confidence is coming from. I should run away right now while I have the chance, but the more I tell myself to stay away, the further I'm pulled in, and I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever find my way back.