Lauren
With a cigarette dangling from my lips, I sat in my living room, staring at the TV screen, reminiscing and drowning in feelings I didn't know existed anymore. Bitterness was stewing within me for the crap Camila and I had pulled over the years, including this past year where I had become this helpless puppy; needing and wanting her attention as if she had never wronged me or torn me from limb to limb.
The more I stopped drinking and remained sober, I realized how much I missed her and the way she had made me feel. She had taken care of me, she had made my birthday so memorable and made it all about me that day. She had also gone along with my sexual needs even though she tried to run. And had even let Lucy blindside me with lies. I had been manipulated by my former lover because she had hated Camila once upon a time. I wanted to be mad at her for doing that, but she was protecting me. She was letting me figure it out.
Out of everyone that I held near and dear to me, she was the one person who had not reached out to me. Did she know what was going? Did she know that I had my memories back? Did she know what Dinah was doing?
Of course she knew. Those two were thick as thieves. She had to know, didn't she? Did she care enough to come find me? Did she care enough to tell me she wouldn't break me again?
No. She didn't. Why? Because she wasn't here. Because she didn't care. She never cared and that's why we were in this predicament. Bitter, party of one.
I clenched my teeth as I held in the smoke I had inhaled from the cigarette. I slowly let it out.
"You know, one of these days you're going to regret it."
My heart hammered inside my chest and squeezed at the small scare I just had upon hearing Ally's voice. How had she gotten in here without me hearing her?
Without turning around to face her, I said, "Yeah, well...When that day comes you can tell me 'I told you so'. Until then, I'm going to keep smoking to keep the rasp in my voice."
I took a drag from the cig, immediately pushing the smoke back out through my nose. Since Ally was here, it was time to put the cigarette out. I was polite enough not to smoke around her. It felt wrong doing it. I think because she was like our second mom.
"That's not what I was talking about, but yeah you'll regret that one too when you're trying to chase after your kids."
I hummed and placed the tip of my tongue against the roof of my mouth to make a clicking sound. I did this for a few minutes waiting for the dreaded conversation. I had heard it a million different ways already. Camila is the one for you. Give her a chance. She's trying.
Well not enough apparently.
"You think you know everything, Lauren, but you really don't. There is so much you decide to ignore when it's staring you in the face. I wish it wasn't so. You're so bright and strong. But you let other people whisper in your ear and persuade you otherwise. You let them tell you that what you're seeing is just an illusion when it's the opposite." Ally sighed and relaxed against the kitchen island in my kitchen as she continued to speak. "At the end of the day it's your decision. I know that. Dinah may not know that. That's okay though. She only has your best interest at heart. She loves you, kid. We all do. So don't be too rough on her. We never wanted this to happen. Even though we all had different ideas when this started, we knew the clock started counting down the day--" Ally bit her lip. "That's not the point to this. I just want to say one last thing before I leave. Your heart--it knows the truth. It has never steered you wrong before. So why don't you try to listen to it one more time before you make your decision?" With a soft smile, Ally came over and kissed the top of my head. She nudged me gently.
I gave her a lopsided smile.
"Wait, before you go. What were you going to say about the clock counting down?" I frowned. I had been enraptured by her simple speech that I had neglected to realize she had stopped herself from saying something.
"It's nothing of consequence, Laur. Behave. Drink lots of liquids. And by that, I don't mean more liquor. I mean water. And try to lay off the cigarettes. It smells like a gentleman's club in here. Try to open some windows. And remember to take a shower every day. Are you eating enough? You better be. I love you. See you next week." She hightailed it to my front door.
"Ally, wait! You're ignoring--" The door opened and shut. "My question...What the hell just happened?"
---
I went back to my routine of binge drinking. It was the best thing. I would wake up with a bottle in my hand and fall asleep with one. It was liberating to ignore the world outside. I couldn't get enough of the numb feeling or the way it helped me ignore my heart and its soft whispers at night.
---
My heart was aching. It twisted and shuffled around in my chest, day and night. It would tell me to do things that were supposed to be right but I ignored it. I ignored all its demands.
No. I couldn't. I shouldn't. It was wrong to let it decide for me.
What had Ally been thinking?
My heart wouldn't lead me in the right direction.
---
Were they right though? Was I being overly dramatic? Was I the blockade in my own path?
Heart be still. Camila is not your soulmate.
Relax, we'll heal without her.
Let's have another drink.
---
Time was running out. As much as I wanted to remain here, holed up and far away from the real world, I had responsibilities and work.
I had to put myself back together again.
And all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put--
Funny what you think of at times. A nursery rhyme. How unlike me...
Peace. I had to find peace. Maybe once I finished my drink, I would find it at the bottom waiting for me. It could very well be possible to find peace at the bottom of a drinking glass.
I had never attempted something like this before in my life, but it wouldn't hurt to try to look for it over and over and over again...
---
Fuck her.
She didn't care.
And that was fine by me.
So fuck her.
And everything she ever was to me.
Long gone were the golden days.
Long gone were the days I would spend crying over spilt milk. It wouldn't happen again.
I needed to find peace, even if it would be through a bottle. It would be ten times better than anything else I could try.
I fumbled down the stairs, nearly falling at each step down. I was inebriated. Alcohol was flowing out of my pores and I'm sure the whole apartment smelt of stale whiskey and rum.
Reaching the bottom of the stairs, I slipped a little as my sock covered feet touched the wood floors. I spilled a little of my drink on the floor in the struggle to find my balance.
"Oops." I giggled. Looking up, I saw Dinah standing in my apartment. "Hey Dinah. Come to have a drink with me? I've got lots of Jack--"
"Listen up, you little shit. You need to get your head out of your ass now. There's no time for you to pity yourself or push away from the rest of us. I tried to help you by sending every person close to you one by one, but obviously, sweet talking is not going to make you come back." Dinah was pissed, with a capital P. She had that crazy look in her eye like she was ready to do anything she could to get me to go back.
In that moment, I sobered up. Everything cleared up and my body acted as if I had never known what alcohol was. I was a little scared, afraid of Dinah. I didn't want to know what she would be willing to do to get me back.
"Just go away, Dinah. Unless you're going to help me get wasted, I don't need you here."
"You want me to go away? I will. Don't worry, I'll go far away. After I say what I have to say. What you and Mila had once upon a time, that was real. It was all real and yeah, she made mistakes. She can never take them back and change the past, but she has changed the future for you. If you continue to stay here and get drunk every night because you can't find it in you to give your heart to her once again, you're going to be so sorry."
I snorted sarcastically. What a load of shit was that? I was going to be sorry if I didn't give over my broken heart to Camila? So what? So she could finish me off? So she could just rip it to shreds for the millionth time since I had met her? So I could have a hole where my heart used to be?
No, not this time. I wasn't going to allow her to ruin me, time and time again. This vicious cycle was ending now. I was prepared to put up a fight, to be the last man standing this time. Not the one writhing in pain on the floor. No, this time that would be Camila. She would get to suffer by my hand so she could feel what I felt. She deserved to know what I had felt all these years.
"As we speak, Camila is talking with Roger and they're preparing for her departure from Fifth Harmony. The last Jingle Ball concert will be her last performance with us. Next year she'll be a solo artist and us, well, I don't know what's going to happen to us. I know how you feel about the whole thing, but I'm not prepared to lose my best friend, Lauren. I can't watch her walk away because she's hurting over you. That is the reason she's walking away. She's leaving because she thinks if she does, you'll be happy again and hopefully she will be happy too. I can't stop her on my own. The music was never enough for her. It's never been enough for any of us, but we stayed because it was what we all wanted. She stayed because of you and now she doesn't have a reason to stay. So she is leaving."
I pressed my tongue to the roof my mouth, trying to control the tears that were threatening to fall. I stared at the ground in front of me, terrified to move, terrified to say anything in fear that I would lose it. Camila was leaving. She was going to walk away. She wasn't going to stay, she's wasn't going to fight for me anymore. She had given up.
I blinked, shifting my eyes to look at Dinah. She was crying, tears streaming down her face, her mascara ruined by the tears. I wanted to console her, to make her feel better. However, I knew the moment I would be there, holding her in my arms, I would be crying like there was no tomorrow. So I remained where I was, my feet glued to the floor. It was safer if I stayed here. No feelings, no emotions to make me feel the loss.
"Okay. Thanks for letting me know." I sneered, trying to keep up the facade that I didn't care.
I moved my feet, willing them to take me away to my room, to somewhere far away so Dinah wouldn't see me break down. I had to be strong until she was gone. I couldn't--
"That's it? You're just going to let her go? After everything you've meant to each other over these past 4 years... She's expendable?!"
I whipped around, ready to tell her off and with the crooked index finger of my right hand pointed in her direction, I began to yell.
"She was never the one cut out of my life. She had everything. I was always the one thrown to the side! I was the one cut out of the picture perfect fairytale we were supposed to have! I'm glad she's leaving. We don't need her. I don't need her."
But I did need her. I always needed her. She was my everything. Although I had been hiding from her, at some point I was going to go back and patch things up.
Right?
Yeah...
But now, Camila was leaving. My whole world was leaving.
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