"Wait, so...you're gay?"
I laughed to myself as I remembered Corian's reaction at the party last weekend. I had literally sat and ranted and vented to her for at least a half-hour out on the curb in front of the house telling her all about my situation, and the only thing she could focus on at first was that I was gay.
"Yeah," I had said, a little unsure about how she felt because she had been nothing but encouraging while I had been talking.
Then she had started laughing before saying, "Now I know why you've never asked me out before."
I had laughed along with her at that. It had been really nice to just be able to laugh after talking about all the bullshit and drama with Dante and Dakota and my messed up feelings about them both.
I wasn't surprised that she didn't care about me liking guys since she was just a really chill person. What I was surprised by, though, was that she seemed like she really cared about my problems even though we didn't know each other well at all. Hanging with the same people at parties and sitting next to each other in economics last semester didn't exactly make you the best of friends.
But the fact that she sat and talked things out with me for almost another hour, made me respect her a hundred times more. Plus, she didn't even try to pressure me into telling her who the two guys were. I was a strong believer in the whole "don't out other people" thing, so I'd tried to be as vague as I could when I talked to her.
All I had said that could have been a give-away was that they both played lacrosse, but that could have been anybody. Hell, we have three lacrosse-playing high schools on the peninsula alone. So her figuring out who these guys were without my confirmation would be pretty difficult. Even so, it was nice that she was willing to give me advice and her two cents on the situation without asking for anything in return.
And as it turned out, Corian's advice was alright. She'd had plenty more experience with guys than I'd ever had, so I thought it was worth taking notes on especially after she'd listened to me for so long.
"I think you just need to pick one, Harley," she had said with finality.
"How the hell am I supposed to do that? Didn't I just go over this? The whole problem is that I don't know how to pick. Or who to even trust. They can both be such assholes sometimes."
"And so can you." When I glared at her she had said, "It's true, you're going behind someone's back. From the sounds of it, it doesn't matter that you aren't a real couple, you owe it to him either way to let this guy know that you're screwing around with someone else. You did say he tells you when he's with other people, right?"
"Well, yeah...I guess."
"Then man up and tell him. If you want to be his boyfriend then you can't hide things like this. And if you don't want to be his boyfriend then you can throw it in his face before you run off with the other guy. He sounds like a dick, so he probably deserves a little bit of a sting."
That had made me roll my eyes. "You could say that. I just don't know if I'm ready for it yet."
"Neither of them are going to wait forever," she had said. "And if this guy you've been with for a year finds out about the other one, I have a feeling you'll be kicking yourself all over the place for causing the shitstorm that will probably follow."
"Corian, you make it sound a lot easier than it really is. I don't think I can just pick one of them like that. I've been through a lot with this guy. Wouldn't it be stupid to let someone new just waltz up and pull me away simply because he's got a thing for me?"
The brunette had taken one of my hands in hers and said, "Harley, no. It's not stupid, trust me. Sometimes you have to let go of people who keep needing another chance so that you can give someone new their first."
And that was the brilliant line that I now couldn't get out of my head. Corian was so right about a lot of things the other night. I was just too scared and stubborn to really put anything into action. Which was why I still hadn't told Dante about Dakota, and I was sitting in class reciting my entire conversation with that brunette over and over again inside my head.
I sighed as I leaned into my hand. My pen was drawing mindless spirals in black ink all across my notebook paper. My eyes were unfocused as they followed the pointless design over the page; my mind too cluttered to care about anything else.
"What are you doing?"
I jumped at the sound of a familiar voice, and my pen flew out of my hand, landing on the floor a few desks away. I brought my eyes up to meet those of a seafoam green and I glanced around in confusion to see my Human Anatomy classroom completely empty save Dakota and me.
"What?" I asked him.
Dakota pulled on his backpack straps and sat sideways on top of the desk in front of mine. He picked his feet up and put them on the chair, spinning himself so that he was facing me. It happened quickly but I felt like I was in some sort of daze, everything going on in an unnecessary slow motion.
Dakota gave me a thoughtful look for a brief moment. Then he said, "You know, the bell rang like three minutes ago. You've just been sitting there with a pensive expression and drawing squiggles for half the hour."
I sighed and sank back in my chair, running both my hands down my face. I felt tired; everything, even thinking, made me feel so tired lately.
I took my hands from my face and instantly set a playful smirk on my lips. "Half the hour, you say...so you've been watching me, eh?"
Dakota's cheeks pinkened slightly and he scowled at me, growing defensive. "No, I--I just couldn't help it. We haven't really talked in days and you walk in here looking upset, not paying attention to anybody or even casting me a glance all class period...or anywhere else besides your paper, really."
My smirk was long gone, replaced by a guilty frown. I had been ignoring him since last weekend, not answering his texts or hardly talking to him except for giving him direction during lacrosse practice. In all fairness, if Dante had even bothered to send me one measly text in the last two weeks, I would have ignored him as well so it wasn't anything personal against Dakota. I was simply too confused about my emotions to want to deal with either of them.
"Dakota, I--"
"No," he said quickly. "Listen, Harley, I know he was there with someone else last weekend." He didn't even have to say his name for me to know exactly who he was talking about. "I know you've got it bad for him and I get it, I really do. It's hard to see the person you like with someone else, so it's okay. All I'm asking is that you keep it real with me, you know?"
"I know, I'm s--"
Dakota shook his head and said, "No, don't be sorry. Be honest. You promised you'd tell me if you were done with me. You don't have to ignore me, I'm not some little bitch who can't handle their shit. Just tell me that it's over, okay?"
My eyes grew a little wide and it was my turn to shake my head at him. I sat forward and put my hands on his knees that were close to my desk. "Dude, that's not what I want. I've only been ignoring you because I'm a dick who doesn't know what the hell he's doing. I'm confused about everything, Dakota. But don't sell yourself so short, man. I really don't think anyone could give you up that easily. Especially not after they get to know you a little."
Dakota's eyes looked a little guarded so I brought my hands back and hopped out of my seat. I moved around the desk and took one of his wrists to pull him to face me.
"I've had a lot on my mind, that's all, I swear. Let me make it up to you, okay? We can chill after our game tonight. No Dante talk at all."
Dakota's lips gradually curled into a smile and I found myself grinning back at him. I realized I liked seeing him happy much more than when he was sad and dejected.
"Alright," he said, sounding a lot cheerier than before. "Do you want to maybe come over to my house tonight? Everybody's going to be out, so..."
"It sounds perfect to me. I've never seen your house before; it'll be fun."
The warning bell cut off whatever Dakota was going to say next. I glanced at the door quickly to be certain that no one was coming in and then pressed a soft kiss against his lips. I felt his gasp before he kissed me back, and a second later I withdrew.
He looked surprised that I'd dared to kiss him in school where the threat of someone seeing us was so prominent. And to be completely honest, I didn't know why I had done it either. So I smiled reassuringly at him and let go of his hand to start packing my things up. Dakota got down from his perch and walked over to bend down and pick up my pen. I couldn't help myself from staring at his ass as he did so, and willed my thoughts to not wander too far.
Dakota stood back up and brought me my pen. I took it and carelessly tossed it into my bag with my other things. I looked into his eyes and nodded towards the door.
"We should get out of here before people start showing up for their next class," I said.
I walked up the row of desks and met Dakota at the front of the room. Just before we reached the door, I put my hand on his arm and trailed it down, all the way to his hand where I held onto his fingers for a lingering moment or so.
"I'll see you after school," I said. I leaned closer and lowered my voice. "And I can't wait to see your bedroom." His breath seemed to catch in his throat and I tried not to laugh. I pulled away and sent him a wink just before slipping out of the room. I called back, "Later, Kota," and then I was making my way down the hall.
It was only a few minutes later when I realized what I'd just called him. I never once thought of calling him that...but in the moment, it had just slipped out, somehow feeling like the most natural thing in the world to say to him. I felt my cheeks warming up and I hoped that the nickname hadn't bothered him.