- 9th letter from Emma -
My dear love,
It is the ninth letter I'm writing you since we got separated by law. You still haven't written back, you still didn't visit and I'm worried about you. I miss seeing you every day. I miss your jokes and your smile and the way you could endlessly discuss subjects that seemed unimportant. But they were important because they mattered to you. I don't get to listen to your voice anymore. I don't get to look in your eyes, I don't get to see you smile or hear you laugh.
Every night I think of you and the night we spend together. How you made love to me. How you told me I was the most beautiful girl you've ever seen and how you wanted to introduce me to your parents. It made me feel blessed and special. I know you're trying to suppress those feelings ever since I hurt your feelings because I didn't instantly break up with Jacob.
By now I know a lot of things you did, you did to be a rebel. To act out against your parents and be someone you wanted to be, not who they want you to be. But you know you don't like Cristian the way you claim to like him. You know your mind just plays tricks, let's you believe things that your parents won't like; for the sake of acting out. Your feelings and the things you did with and to me can't be fake. No one can act like that.
I just hope that wherever you are, whatever you do, involves thinking about me too. Do you lay in bed at night, whishing I was there? Do you too miss holding me in your arms? I hope you'll visit soon, because it's getting harder and harder each day to live without you.
I spend my waking days trying to survive amongst other youth criminals, feelings as if I don't belong here. And I don't belong here, because I belong with you. We belong together.
But in the same time, I do belong here. I confessed my sins and every day I seek forgiveness for what it is I did to you. I let you down in numerous ways. I wasn't there when you lied to your parents and told them you where gay. If you would've called me that night, instead of going out and acting out, pretending to be someone you're not, I could've helped. I could've helped you to stop pretending. Together we could've told your parents it wasn't true.
I keep imagining what would have happened if you did. You would've held my hand while we stood in front of your parents and together we would've told them you were still with me. Your mom would've cried out of joy. Your dad would've been proud; giving us his blessing to be together. You would tell them that you lied because you wanted them to stop controlling you. To let you live your own life. With me by your side as proof they can be proud of the real you.
But Finny, enough dwelling over the past and what you could've done. The reason I'm writing you a new letter this soon after the last one, is because I need you now more than ever. I need you to visit and to comfort me.
I was send to the doctor today, because I truly am struggling more each day without you by my side. I told my counsellor about the sadness I feel and I thought they would give me antidepressants to help me a little. But they didn't, Finny. Instead of helping me to survive my time separated from you, telling me, teaching me how to deal with these struggles, they are working against us. Like always, people don't want us to be together. But you know just as much as I know that they're just jealous because we're a perfect couple.
They told me I was delusional and that I'm making things up. They try to make me believe you don't love me and that you're not going to visit me. But I need you to visit me as soon as possible to prove to them that they're wrong about us. That I'm not making things up. That I'm not making up our relationship and tour feelings towards me. I want them to know how much we love each other. We have to be strong together right now, since everyone is working against us, telling us lies to try and keep us from being together. So please, my love, I really need you.
I hope to see you soon,
Forever yours,
Emma Lund<3