24
"You can do this," I reminded myself, forcing a smile as I gazed at myself in the full-length mirror placed against my wall.
Today was going to be a busy day.
I had a chemistry test that I probably knew nothing on, a Single Parents Group meeting, and Gordan Bailey was being released from jail today.
I tightened my ponytail and sighed.
Now or never.
No matter how many days, weeks, or months that will go by, I don't think I'll ever get used to not having Chandler around. I didn't even know him for long, yet my whole life has changed since he passed.
For example, sitting in the cafeteria in the morning with my friends wasn't the same without Chandler here to lighten the mood with his laidback personality.
That same personality that Luke could not stand at first. They bickered about everything to no end.
That same personality that was dealing with leukemia everyday, but told no one. All he wanted was to be treated normally.
"I miss him," I said out loud, accidentally.
Our usual group - Jordan, Amanda, Riley, Chloe, and Luke - was conversing regularly while I was dazed off, in deep thought about Chandler.
"Me too," Amanda agreed. She only had a sad smile, clearly fighting off tears. I could identify that look immediately from anyone.
"Same," Chloe added. Everyone else mumbled their agreements, too.
This was the first time we all really acknowledged his death. Like I said, before we only silently reminisced.
Then we returned to conversing regularly.
Until I ruined it, but maybe it was for the better that I brought it up.
Dr. Willis has told me a thousand and one times how talking it out helps.
"I miss arguing with him over the dumbest shit," Luke admitted. "I regret it when I could've spent that time making good memories with him, but I would do anything to have one last conversation with him."
"It's so lonely at my house," Chloe mumbled.
Though I am an only child, I still couldn't imagine what it's like to lose a sibling. Chloe and Chandler spent all fourteen years of his life together and they were close, too. His death must've taken an incredibly difficult toll on her.
"My mom cries, which I can't blame her. So I do, too. She's cry before he died, too, but he would be able to calm her down and console her. He's not here to do that anymore and I'm not so sure I can. I miss him too much myself."
We sat around the cafeteria table sharing memories and talking about how much we missed him.
Though I can't speak for anyone else, I did feel a little better being able to speak my thoughts with them all and hear theirs.
My chemistry test went mediocrely well. Definitely not A work, but I could settle for the B range. My grade was decent enough in this class to be able to handle a B.
I'd done some rethinking college wise, per Lee's request and Dr. Willis's. Stanford was where my mother wanted to live out here dream. Stanford is where my dad wanted to live out his dream. But it didn't work out for them. Originally, I wanted to continue and live out their dreams for them, but then I realized I can't do that.
Everything happens for a reason. Stanford isn't meant for the Evans-Marcus family. It seemed unlucky, quite honestly. I wanted to create a dream for myself and fulfill that dream. Whatever that dream may be, since I've yet to decide, I know my mother and father will be proud of me.
"Time for Group," Luke motioned, knocking me out of my trance. I didn't even hear the speaker go off to announce it. Usually we don't go until after this class, but this class was yet to be over with.
"Already?"
"They just made an announcement," he shrugged. I nodded slowly as I stood up with him. "Are you feeling okay? You keep zoning out. Ms. Snowden had to catch your attention like five times last period."
"I'm fine," I shrugged, partially lying.
There's a lot on my mind, but I am fine.
He just looked at me with a blank stare.
"There's a lot on my mind," I said instead, grabbing his hand as we walked to SPG together.
He squeezed it tightly, making me smile.
"This thing with Gordan isn't over. We are going to get him back behind bars where he belongs."
Oh God, I hope so. For the benefit of everyone.
"You don't think there's any possibility he's changed?" We arrived in the library before everyone else. Mr. Hayes was the only one there, currently chatting with the librarian.
"Did I ever tell you that all of those times I'd come in late or get called out for family purposes was to see him in jail? My mom tried to get him to change, but there was no use. He's a terrible man that belongs behind bars."
It didn't even click until now. All of those times I'd seen Luke in the office when I'd have to see Lee or get medicine, he was coming from or going to see Gordan. He was never happy before or after it either.
"He has done much more than drunk driving, too, which is why he's been in jail for 16 years," Luke added on information I genuinely had no idea about. "He won't on parole right or nine years ago, but violated it by getting caught in a drug deal. Now here, we are - some odd years later, waiting for him to violate parole again."
Let's just hope no one gets caught in the crossfire of time on parole.
Most of our group joined us, including Chloe, at this point. Mr. Hayes decided to call everyone around into the circle.
Chloe didn't do much talking today, only listening. She was probably more in thought about her brother than her dad at the moment, which made sense. I kind of put her into that position with my unintentional mention of how I missed him.
Everyone was present from group today. Some were in an uncharacteristically good mood that I was happy to see them in. The rest were not very talkative, like Chloe, and it hurt my heart, but I understood.
Some days are harder than others.
"My dad took us ice skating the other day. I haven't been in so long so I wasn't necessarily good, but it was fun. It felt like I was in a winter wonderland," Katy chuckled softly.
She was one of the members in a good, sociable mood today.
Shockingly enough, Ed and Gillian were the other two talkative ones.
Ed saw his dad's mother in her nursing home for the first time in a while on Sunday and played bingo with her, which he said has put him in an indefinitely good mood until further notice.
His words exactly. It was a comical comment that got a chuckle from each of us, including Chloe and Oliver who seemed far away today.
"My mom and I aren't that close, but yesterday, she came home from work to spend time with me. We watched a movie, moved my room around, and went out to eat. It was really nice." Gillian smiled softly down at her hands in her lap. She never talks much, or even smiles much, but she was today.
It's the little things.
"What about you, Bobbi?" Mr. Hayes suggested.
I must've been somewhat dazed off again because apparently he already asked Luke if he wanted to share. It appears he declined.
I guess I didn't even realize that I wasn't really in the sharing mood today either, much like Oliver and Chloe.
But I shared anyway.
The only way to overcome the darkness that threatens to take you over is to fight back.
"My dad is now a police officer for the city," I offered, not knowing what else to share.
Dad's been busy lately, what with two jobs and talking with Luke's mom about the whole Gordan ordeal. We usually only ate together and talked in the morning and before bed.
Life's been hectic, so I hadn't much to say.
"That's amazing," Mr. Hayes nodded, looking genuinely impressed.
"Yeah," Oliver nodded. "We need more enforcers."
I couldn't tell if there was sarcasm in his tone or not. I don't think anyone could because Mr. Hayes raised a questioning eyebrow and Luke looked annoyed and protective.
Oliver sensed the tension.
"I was serious. There's some fucked up people in the world." Though speaking in monotone, he did sound serious and genuine.
Didn't we know it, Oliver.
Mr. Hayes didn't even bother scolding him for his word choice. Instead he went on to talk about random things I paid no mind to. Not necessarily intentionally, but because I was dazing off yet again.
When I got home, I opted out of tending to my homework immediately. My brain could hardly focus all day, there's no way it'd able to do anything productive now.
Dad was home when I got home, courtesy to Ryan who now drove both Luke and I home everyday since Dad works more. I didn't expect him to be home for that exact reason - he's usually working.
Where most kids would resent their parents for picking up a ton more hours, I just couldn't. He worked so hard to get where he's gotten, and I admire him for it. He's around enough and always here for me when I need it. For example, he's always at my therapy sessions in case anything ever happens.
Nothing ever does, but in case it does, he's there for me.
Plus, I'm no longer the same Bobbi I was a few months ago. I'm so much stronger now, and Dad knows that.
"Daddy, what're you doing home?" I set my school stuff down on the table and sat across from him.
I'd just take it to my room later.
"To deliver some good news."
I rose my eyebrow. He smiled, a mixture of proudness and happiness.
"Dr. Willis has decided to make a decision. A few actually."
I'm intrigued.
"For starters, she wants to ease you off of your anti-depressant." That scared me. To all heavens. But at the same time, I felt ready.
I was scared because of what happened last time I stopped taking my medicine. That was a time I absolutely loathe thinking about.
However, I felt ready because I felt different. I was doing so much better with everything. With my anxiety and my depression. Everything seemed to be falling into line for me and I wanted to experiment no more pills.
The pills work wonders, for sure, but life without them is the goal. That's what Dr. Willis told me when she initially prescribed me.
"She will lessen the prescription progressively if we continue to see progress. It won't be a drastic jump like in the past," Dad assured me, like he knew exactly what was bouncing around in my mind.
"What else is there?"
"She also decided therapy was no longer needed six days a week."
Six days a week sounds like a lot. However, a couple months ago, it didn't seem like enough most of the time. I was not in a good place.
"I suggest four for now, unless you want more. I won't allow less."
"Four sounds good," I agreed. "I think it'll be just enough." What with Gordan being released today. Who knows how much of a hot mess I'll be, knowing he's around.
"We were thinking Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday. I want there to be a balance between freedom on the weekend and focus on schoolwork."
I nodded, agreeing with the designated days. Thursday therapy would be weird. I haven't had therapy on a Thursday since I was 12.
I physically shivered, but I don't think Dad noticed. He was writing stuff down, probably to talk to Dr. Willis about.
"Since there's no therapy today with your new schedule," he winked, making me chuckle lightly. "I was thinking we take a trip. To see Matt and Dylynn."
My eyes widened.
Matt and Dylynn Avalon - the same two people that never forgave my dad for cutting them off, not that I could blame them to a certain extent. Also the same two people that we've hardly heard from in about two months.
"Why?" Geez, B. Way to sound sensitive. "I mean like..."
"I get it," he nodded. "I was friends with Matt for a long time. I never should've cut him out and I should've made more of an effort to get him back into my life. I need to fix it."
Then, it dawned on me.
Matthew Avalon is a successful lawyer who has only ever lost one case.
I sighed, "Dad." He must've sensed my realization.
"Yes, B, I need his help. I know it's a terrible move to go over and ask him for help after the shitty excuse of a friend I was to him, but I need him in more ways than one. I need to try."
Sure, it sounded like he was only going to Matt because he needed to hire him for a case against Gordan, but I knew my dad better than anyone. Sure, he needed Matthew Avalon the successful lawyer, but more than anything he needed support from Matt, his good friend since elementary school.
"I understand," I assured him. "But Gordan gets let out today. His release affects Luke as much as it affects you and I," I reminded him.
"So you want to stay here and be there for him?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I'm sorry, I would go, Dad, but—"
Dad gave me a small smile as tears welled in his eyes. Without actually crying, he wrapped his arms around me for a hug.
"You remind me more and more of your mother everyday, Bobbi. I am so proud of the person you are becoming each and every day."
I hugged him back, feeling a tad emotional myself.
"I love you, Dad."
"I love you, too, Bobbi."
On his way to Matt's, he dropped me off at Luke's and informed me that Jackson agreed to go with him to Matt's as a buffer.
"Good luck, Daddy." I really hope Matt agrees to help us and welcomes us back into his life again.
He was probably the funniest lawyer I'd ever met back when I was a kid.
"I'll call you later. I love you."
"I love you, too."
Luke met me outside as I got out of my dad's car. He immediately offered me a strained smile and waved politely to my dad who drove off.
"Is everything okay?" I asked. Stupid question, Bobbi, really?
His psychopath of a father was released from prison today.
"His P.O. is taking him to his new residence," he explained venomously.
I should be freaking out over the fact that the man that is responsible for the death of my mom is out and free, but i was more concerned about Luke than anything. For once, I was ready to be Luke's shoulder to lean on for support in return for the many times he has been there for me.
"We are going to fix things," I promised him. "None of us want Gordan to reek any more havoc on anyone's life than he already has."
"My mom told me about your dad's friend from high school, Matthew Avalon. The lawyer."
"Yeah, he's on his way to try and fix things between him now."
I shouldn't get Luke's hopes up for something that has even the slightest probability of not happening, but with everything I remembered about Matt and have heard Jackson and Dad say about him over the years, I know he always comes through. Matt cares about people. He loves his friends and family despite all of their mistakes and flaws.
I had faith that he would do us this solid.
•••
My "promised updating schedule" didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. I don't even know what it is about this story, but I've given up on trying to craft a well thought out schedule when I can't even stick to a bi-weekly update schedule...
Especially with finals coming around the corner, I am not committing to anything. This story has been proven difficult to write so it takes time and thought that I just won't have.
At this point, if you're still reading then I'm assuming you understand so thanks! And if you have chosen to stop, I understand that. I'm a hot mess not even gonna lie.
Well, this is kind of a birthday post (my birthday ended 2 hours ago technically) but hey! I'm 17 now!!
Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed.
I have no idea how many chapters are left, but we are reaching the climax, so there's only got to be ten or so left. I think y'all know at this point not to quote me on anything I say though LOL
Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or may be some other holiday. If you don't celebrate any of the said holidays at all, then I hope that you guys enjoyed your past few days in general! :)
- emily