Nicholas
I open my eyes and take in my surroundings as well as the pain in my neck and back. I try to sit up but I stop when I feel a weight on my shoulder. I turn a little only to see Amber leaning on me and as soon as I do I become aware of her arm strewn across my chest as her delicate fingers cling to my shirt. I should move. I should get up but I can't. I think it's fine to be selfish sometimes as long as I'm not hurting anyone...other than myself that is. I sigh as I rest my cheek on her head while bringing up my arms to circle them around her. From the lack of light coming through the window I conclude it's still nighttime in my dulled state. I close my eyes but my mind isn't ready to rest again.
I reopen my eyes to look at the man laying on the bed in front of us. I feel so guilty for all of this. I could have tried harder, done more. I'm aware of my hypocrisy toward Amber, I preach to her about how the only guilty one is Cobra but I can't take this weight off my chest. Everyone always tells me I'm too hard on myself, that I do so much and still underappreciate my own self. I guess the guilt is my way of dealing with the situation at hand. Even if it's still emotionally painful, I distract myself by analyzing the situation in every way possible trying to find different actions and different outcomes. If I think more about the moment it happened, I don't have to focus on the present or possible future. I analyze the past so I don't have to analyze the possibility of dreadful consequences.
This time it doesn't matter whether I want to think about it or not though because I need to be prepared for the drastic changes that can take place. Even if he wakes up in time, we don't know if there is any permanent damage. Now, if he doesn't wake up in time I have to marry his wife. Although I have given my life for this Mafia I still think most of their rules are pure and utter bullshit. This? Disgusting. I care for her but what about the poor women who have had to endure cruel and unloving husbands in the past? Even now, Amber has the hope of her husband waking up but they want to force her to abandon the idea and give herself to another man. She truly is remarkable though, accepting this and taking it much better than me.
I feel a lump in my throat as I think about the other possibility, Alex simply not waking up. I wouldn't be able to cope with it. Although it had always been a possibility and a very real risk, I never actually contemplated it happening. This is the realest it's ever felt. When he dies I lose my brother, one of the few people to know the real me and one of the two people that have always been there for me. How would I be able to cope with his death and still have to deal with taking his place? I usually help him with everything and I'm always by his side but I can't step up. I don't have it in me to be capo. Of course he would tell me I would be an even better one. I've always shared my fears to him and he would reassure me that I am more than capable to do things.
"But why me? Why would you choose me as your replacement?" Those stupid rules!
"Relax, brother. You know it's only a precaution and we have to follow their rules. But, if it does happen some day you will do even better. Nicholas, I'm impulsive, I can't control my anger, sometimes I'm on the border of wreckless! You on the other hand are capable of thinking before acting! You're the brains, Nico. No one would be better to take my place." Alessandro always has a way of calming me. Even if he is impulsive he is also better than I am at staying calm in more emotional situations.
"Ok, fine. But you're the terrifying one! Alessandro, you ooze power. People take one look at you and think twice before doing or saying anything!" He smirks at my response before answering himself.
"Well, that's why we're a team. Let's just do what we've always done and watch each other's back." I smile and as if we can read one another's minds we speak at the same time.
"Insieme. Sempre." We share a brotherly hug before letting go.
I smile sadly as I remember that day. We had recently killed his father and the initial chaos was barely beginning to die down. He had finally been accepted as the successor and one of his first few responsibilities was choosing his replacement. I thought he would pick Marcos, he's older and a little more experienced than us but he surprised me with the sudden announcement that it was me. I can see it now, Marcos is amazing but he isn't as responsible as us and he's even more impulsive than Alessandro.
"I'm gonna kill him!" I step in front of Marcos to stop him.
"Don't be foolish! You know they'll just hurt you." I try to reason with him but he is stubborn.
"So what? Even if I only get in a punch, it's enough for me! Now get out of my way!" Alessandro comes to stand by my side.
"Brother, it's fine. It isn't fair but I'm used to it. I don't want you to get hurt too!" Marcos finally manages to controls his anger if only for now.
Marcos has always been the bravest of us three and Alex the most analytic. He almost always has a plan. Marcos protected us as much as he could and sometimes he would let his emotions get the best of him. We all went through torture but he would always get worked up when we got hurt. It only ended up worse when he confronted them but he still insisted on doing it. He lets himself be driven by his emotions instead of taking the time to actually think things through. We can count on him to take care of things for a while but we all know Alessandro is and always has been the best one for the job. Although he is by no means unjustifiably cruel like his father, he did inherit certain traits that have served him well as our leader.
"No." I look down at Amber who is obviously having a bad dream of some sort. I frown. Usually having someone near her while she sleep is enough to keep the nightmares at bay but ever since Alex was taken she's been a little restless in her sleep. At least, I think they aren't as bad as they used to be. They seem to involve him now, she always whispers his name. I try to soothe her by moving my hand up and down her arm in a comforting manner while I hold her close with my free arm.
"Shhh. It's alright I'm here. It's going to be fine Amber." She grunts a little but she starts to calm down.
"That's it princess, you're safe."
"Nico." She mutters my name and I smile as she seems peaceful once more. I don't understand how she is such a deep sleeper and I find it interesting how she incorporates reality into her dreams. Even if she's asleep, anything that goes on around her invades her mind.
I like this feeling, the one I have whenever she's around. I like feeling important and I am to her. I've noticed how I seem to be able to comfort her the way no one else can besides Alex. Since the beginning she always felt safe with me for some reason. I noticed how she was intimidated by Alessandro and although she was fearful of everyone she opened up to me a little faster. She cares for me in a way no one else has before, my brothers love me as I do them but as men they tend to be a little oblivious sometimes to certain things. Amber on the other hand can read me perfectly and she always knows exactly what to say. Just having her hold me in my weak moments is more than enough. What she does to me is strange, I feel vulnerable around her but I know she would never hurt me and so I let my guard down around her willingly. On the other end she makes me feel strong when I'm at my weakest, she lifts me up with just a smile. She isn't mine to love but you can't reason with the heart.
I would love to be the one to hold her at night and the one to pepper her with kisses as soon as morning comes. I long to be the one to hold her and shower her with affection. I wish to be the one that she loves but I have since the beginning accepted the fact that I am not that man and I never will be. I've thought this through and even if things go the worst way possible and Alex does...die, I will never truly own her heart. It will always belong to him. I sigh and unwrap my arms from the girl leaning on me. I try to readjust her so I can get up but I fail.
"Hmm? Nico? Is something wrong?" She looks at me with confusion and in a state that's somewhere in between sleep and being awake.
"No. Go back to sleep, little one. I'll be right back." She seems to be satisfied with my answer and she closes her eyes again. I walk to the door and open it and shut it as quietly as I can.
"Hey, man. What's up?" Marcos greets me.
"Nothing, I woke up and I can't get back to sleep." He nods and pats the cushioned seat next to him. I walk over and sit.
"So, how are thing with Em?" He suddenly seems uncomfortable.
"Fine." I chuckle. I have never seen him like this and I feel bad for enjoying how awkward he is whenever Emily is brought up.
"Come on, Marcos. I just want you to be happy and you know it. I think she does for you what Amber does for Alex." He smiles at my words, his eyes distant.
"Yeah, she's pretty fucking amazing."
"Hey, just do me a favor. Don't get pissed at me but I really care about her and I just want to ask you to not hurt her." He goes serious.
"I would never."
"I know it's different with her but you're used to certain things. I just don't want you to slip up or someth-"
"I won't." He seems upset.
"Sorry, they've just been through a lot." He sighs.
"I know, I get where you're coming from but I'm serious about her. I liked her from the start but I didn't think much of it . She's always been so...interesting I guess. I mean, she's loud and tough and she doesn't give a fuck if anyone thinks she's annoying. She's not afraid to be herself and she doesn't care who she might piss off. It might get her in trouble one day but I love that about her. She genuinely didn't like me that much at the beginning. She always said I was a fuckboy and that's why she tried to steer clear from my path. It hurt like hell but I don't regret getting shot because that's what brought us closer. I love her, man. I thought love was bullshit but damn was I wrong. I'm head over heels in love with her so I will never hurt her and I'll kill whoever tries to." I smirk at his little monologue.
"It's good to see you happy, brother." He smiles at me while nodding.
"And it's not too good to see you so down. You know you can talk with me if you need to." I know I can, no matter how impulsive he is he always knows how to listen.
"Yeah, I know." I sigh before continuing.
"It's just... Amber. You know how I feel about her and this whole mess just makes everything worse. She's going to be forced to marry me if Alex doesn't wake up in time. Her whole life she's been controlled in one way or another and this is just following the fucking pattern. I love her Marcos but she doesn't love me. It hurts to see her in love with someone else but it's infinitely worse to see her in pain for him. Besides that, I have to step up and take his place. He believed in me for some reason but I'm...scared. For the first time in years I'm afraid about everything that's going to happen." I feel him out an arm around me and squeeze my shoulder.
"It's going to be fine. You'll see how everything tends to fall into place eventually. Whatever has to happen will happen. Like they say, everything happens for a reason. We're still not sure about anything, Alessandro has some time to wake up before anything official takes place. Relax for now. Like you said, he chose you and we all know Alex never makes mistakes. He had his reasons and I support his choice. Besides, you're not alone." He winks at me and I smile.
"Thank you."
"No problem." We sit there in silence for a few minutes, both of us engrossed in our own thoughts. Suddenly Marcos turns to me with a smirk on his face.
"So, tell me about your dreams. Do they ever include someone, Amber maybe?" I scowl. Will they never let it go?
"Shut up." He laughs at my anger.
"Alright, sorry. Hey, keep watch for me while I go to the bathroom?" I nod.
"Sure."
"Thanks, man." He jogs away and sit there.
Now he got me thinking about my dreams. I've only had a few with Amber, of which only one involved sex. Even in my dreams I was gentle with her. I hope I'll get go feel that way in real life someday. It was intimate. It felt like baring not only our bodies but our very souls to one another. I shouldn't think that way about her but I am still a man.
"Nicholas, you need to stop thinking." I say out loud to myself.
"Marcos, please hurry." I avoid thinking about much else and soon enough he walks back in. We spend about and hour or two talking about more simple things before I head back in with Amber. I manage to fall asleep once again.
"Nico?" I open my eyes as I feel someone shaking my shoulder softly.
"Amber?" She smiles at me and my eyes adjust to the sudden brightness. It's morning and I feel like shit. I didn't rest well.
"Good morning! I decided to wake you because I'm going to go get ready and have some breakfast. You should too." I nod.
"Sure, thank you. Let's go." We both get up and make our way to the room we're sharing. After about a minute of silence I decide to ask her something I've been wondering for a while.
"Amber, can I ask you something?" She looks up at me.
"Of course. What is it?" She answers.
"What are your nightmares about?" Her face darkens at my question and she hesitates before speaking.
"They used to be about my old life but lately they've been about Ale. He either gets hurt or killed or taken again." She sighs.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. It's just that I've noticed you started having nightmares again. Last night you had one but I managed to calm you down."
"Don't worry, Nico. Also, thank you. I do remember hearing your voice and suddenly the dream changed and I stopped having the nightmare. I don't remember what I ended up dreaming though. You're always there to protect me, even in my dreams." She smiles brightly and I smile back. We keep walking in silence and we eventually reach the room and grab our things. We each hurry and shower before getting dressed and heading to the dining room for breakfast. Only Amber and I are here, since we all have different schedules for now everyone does things at different times.
Our food is served and we both eat. We stay in comfortable silence for a few minutes and I steal a few glances at the small angel sitting next to me. I've noticed that she takes small portions and delicate bites, she likes to take her time to savor the food. She takes a sip of whatever drink she has after about three to four mouthfuls of food. I notice her eyes are distant as she thinks about something in the depths of her mind. I wonder what she's thinking about. She furrows her brows before turning to look at me.
"It's kind of lonely isn't it? The table seems so much bigger without everyone here."
"It is but you get used to it. This is how it normally is or was before you showed up. We all have things to do and that means that we can't always see each other. Sometimes days or even weeks can go by and we won't see the others. Like now, we're taking turns to watch both Alex and Cobra and that means day and night. Whoever stays up will obviously sleep during the day and such." She frowns at my response.
"That's awful. I was always alone and it's horrible. How do you guys do this? Are you really okay with this lifestyle?"
"Well this is the only life Alex, Marcos and I have ever really known. It's also the only life we can have. We never got an actual education so we can't exactly go out and study something or work normal jobs. Also, we're used to things here, not normal society. We would just never fit in, you know? It's a sad life, a lonely one and maybe that's why so many people go insane. Alex was getting bored of this life and I was sick of it too." I look over at her.
"But things change and now it doesn't seem so bad." Thanks to her. I smile at her and she smiles back. I clear my throat and change the subject.
"Let's hurry up, we need to go do the DNA test." She goes serious before nodding. Well, here goes another long day.