(Little authors note: There will be some gay stereo types, not only in this chapter, but throughout the whole story. This chapter, I guess, is when that becomes evident. I just wanted to put a disclaimer explaining why I'm adding this to the plot. This story takes place in the 1980's. There are tons of LGBTQ+ stereotypes now in 2017, so clearly it was way harsher back then. It sucks, I know, but its what's accurate and its kind of why I wanted to have this take place in the 80's. Also because I like the aesthetic. Anyways, I'm just putting this here to say that a lot of the things said or insinuated in this story about the LGBTQ+ community are not accurate. As someone who's in the LGBTQ+ community and follows none of the stereotypes of her sexuality, I know that. I just didn't want to cause any confusion with that. Also, I already put this as a warning in the description, but I'll say it again incase someone didn't see: LGBTQ+ slurs and discrimination will take a big part in this story. If these things trigger you, I recommend not reading on, or at least bracing yourself. Hope you enjoy the chapter 💜)
Wolf Like Me by TV On The Radio
"No." Dans response came before Phil even asked a question as they walked through Packer Park. It was the short way home from Suburban Square - where Ruby's was.
"Come on, Dan, please?" Phil had been expecting this. Anyone who knew Dan would expect him to say no.
"I said no and thats that. I am not going."
Phil gave up then. But Dan knew it was only momentary. Whenever Phil gave up, it was only momentarily.
Once they reached Dan's house, he picked up the argument again.
"Dan, it'll be fun. I'll be there, that hot guy Anthony will be there. We finally know the truth about Will Wattfort! We were right all along, don't you want to see him now and just bask in the experience of being right?" This was how Phil spoke. In a weird language somewhere between persuasion and begging and poetry.
"No. I'm not going." Dan tried to sound firm in his decision, but he almost never did.
"Pleeeeeeease?" Phil urged as Dan kept putting in the key to the Howell residence wrong.
"No." He said, finally opening the door.
Phil dropped it again until they got to Dan's room.
"Are your parents home?" He asked.
"Probably not, they like to be out of the house as much as possible." Dan sat down at the swivel chair at his desk. Phil walked over and grabbed up a piece of lined paper from the open drawer. He scribbled something onto it then held it up.
Please
"Phil, you're too stubborn for your own good." Dan said, taking the paper from him and crumpling it up.
"Dan, you're too blue for your own good." Phil commented, sitting down on Dan's bed.
Blue.
Phil used this word to describe Dan all the time. Blue boy. It had been his nickname from ages ten to sixteen. Then is started fading away. Of course, Phil had been the only one to call him that.
'Oh blue boy, you're so tragic', he'd said the night that Dan had been having his first identity crisis. At the age of ten. That was quiet tragic. But not in the poetic way that Phil made it out to be. Dan always figured that his tragedy wasn't poetic enough to deserve Phil's words, but he got them anyways. He was more thankful for that than for most things.
The meaning of blue had changed for Phil throughout the years. Sometimes it meant tragic, sometimes it meant sad, sometimes it meant happy, sometimes it meant lucky, sometimes it meant weird, sometimes it meant cool, sometimes it meant passionate, sometimes it meant mad, sometimes it meant calm. In the end it had become too ambiguous to use naturally. In this context, Dan had no clue what it meant. He had a feeling that Phil knew exactly what it meant this time and wasn't going to tell him.
"Phil, I'm not going. And don't you dare smoke that inside here. My parents will smell it and my mom will freak out..." Dan's voice died out as Phil lit the cigarette he'd taken out of his back pocket. "Really, Phil? Really?" he asked as Phil took a drag.
"Come on, Dan. It's a party. It'll be plenty of fun. If you're not happy there just drink a little, I'm sure the cheap alcohol will be provided."
Dan shook his head.
"Don't be so blue."
"I don't even know what that means today."
"What blue means today doesn't matter. All you have to know is that you can go to a party and still be your blue self, but with a happy Phil at your side."
Dan rolled his eyes.
Phil gave up again. For now.
He stood up and took another drag from his cigarette, handing it to Dan as he walked past him to get to the record player in the corner of Dan's room. He had it sat on the floor, next to his stack of vinyls.
London Calling. The least sad album that Dan had. Phil picked it up and sat down in front of the stereo, setting it up.
the melodies of Lost In The Supermarket started floating through the room. Probably the saddest song on the album.
"I like this song." Phil whispered.
"I know." Dan said, sitting down, cross legged, across from him.
They let the song play on.
Phil took his cigarette back from Dan and put it out on the metal of the leg of his desk. He leaned forward and kissed Dan.
He tasted slightly of smoke, but mostly minty. Like usual.
The kiss lingered.
"How about now?" Phil asked, his eyes still closed.
"No." Dan replied, smiling softly.
"Worth a shot."
~~~
"I don't even know what we're doing here." Dan said grumpily, standing with his arms crossed and his shoulders forward in the dark summer night.
He knew exactly what he was doing there. He let himself be bribed by Phil kissing him and promising a basement movie night again. This happened far too often.
"Ok, Dan, lesson one:" Phil started, putting his hands of Dan's shoulders and looking him in the eyes. "If a hot guy invites you to a party, you don't say no. Especially if you'll be crashing the party. And especially if he's gay." Then he took a step back and looked Dan up and down. "Lesson two: stop brooding. Lesson three: You're gay, learn to dress yourself well for a party." And with that, he left Dan to ponder what he was insinuating about his outfit and to scramble behind him.
He was wearing jeans, a white t-shit, and a zip-up. That was normal party wear, right? Shit, he was already getting in his head about it. And now Phil had disappeared into the house and Dan had no clue how he'd find him in the mass of people that were sure to be awaiting him when he opened the door. But he'd been standing on the front steps, directly in front of the white door, for long enough that some guy drinking out of a plastic red cup on the porch had started looking at him weird. Dan hurried inside, shutting the door behind him.
He had been right about the myriad of people there. He almost had no space to even walk. His worst nightmare.
An obnoxiously loud song way playing through the whole house. Dan could practically feel it in the floor. There were huge speakers in every corner. The song itself wasn't that bad, he'd even go as far as saying that it was good. But the volume of it had him pulling the hood of his grey jacket up to cover his ears inconspicuously.
He didn't know anyone there. He didn't know anyone most of the places he went. He recognized Tessa Brooks as the schools lead cheerleader. She was in the corner making out with her boyfriend, Chase something. Or was it Jake? he had no clue, they all looked and acted the same.
He saw Louise Pentland, she worked at the bookstore in the summers and on weekends. He'd never talked to her other than asking where a book might be.
Ok, so he knew a few people from school. But he didn't really know them. He'd never even talked to them. He just knew their faces.
Dan was already mentally face palming. Why had he even agreed to go to a party in the first place? He specifically remembered telling Phil that he was not going. Phil could convince a rock to roll up a hill. Especially the rock was Dan, because he seemed his most persuasive when he was convincing Dan of something.
All he had to do was smoke his stupid cigarettes and quote his stupid poetry and give his stupid kisses and be his stupid version of perfect and Dan would do anything he asked. It was fucking easy for him.
Dan went along trying not to touch anyone. No such luck, as he bumped into people left and right. Though most of the time it was people bumping into him. He had to squeeze in between groups everywhere he went. Everyone had red solo cups in their hands and it was really starting to seem like a safety hazard.
But alas, he finally made his way through the foyer and was now in some sort of dinning room. People were using the fancy table for beer pong and he walked in just in time to see someone throw a paper plate with some sort of dip on it into the chandelier. Everyone stopped and looked for a moment as it looked like it was about to fall off of the ceiling from the violent swinging in circles. When it slowed to a stop, a bunch of the guys started cheering. Football players. They never knew when to stop cheering, did they?
God, he hated it here more than he hated most places and he'd only been here for five minutes. And he really hated a lot of places. Dan left the dinning room and wandered into a living room with a modern television and couches that had drinks spilled all over them. How had people managed to trash this house so much in such little time?
With so many people, Dan wasn't sure how he'd ever find Phil. Then again, when Phil crashed a party he liked to make sure that everyone knew he was there, and that everyone knew he'd crashed it. How he'd do that in this big of a crowd, Dan wasn't sure. But he was sure it'd happen eventually.
Until then, he'd just have to walk around aimlessly and look for him, trying to avoid human contact at all costs.
Dan decided that leaving the living room would probably be a good choice considering that it was the mecca of where kids were hanging out at the party. He even saw Hazel there. Though she didn't have a drink in her hand - one of the few - she was still there. How someone as geeky and unproblematic as Hazel would even find out about a party like this, much less actually be there, Dan had no clue. She looked seriously perturbed by everything going on around her though, so at least Dan wasn't alone on that one.
He considered maybe starting a conversation with her, but she'd probably be freaked out and confused as to why the weird kid who always bought the same video games over and over was talking to her.
Hazel was the cashier at the video game store. She was one of the older kids in their grade and had gotten accepted into Yale. And obviously Dan had to buy the same video games over and over, Phil kept breaking them by accident.
So Dan figured he'd skip out on talking to her and find the kitchen instead. Maybe there were snacks. He seriously doubted it, but it gave him something to do besides stand there with his hood up and his hands in his pockets. He probably looked creepy.
Only seconds after Dan walked into the kitchen, his eyes landed on Phil. At first he felt relief flood over him and leaned against the doorframe, ready to call his friend over. But then he noticed someone else in the mess of people juggling their cups and bottles of alcohol. Anthony Padilla, talking to Phil.
Dan was already rolling his eyes.
Phil was sitting on the countertop, a cigarette loosely propped between the lips of his lazy smile. Anthony was leaning on the counter across from him.
Dan wasn't sure if he would throw up or punch the wall first.
Throw because of the way that Anthony was looking at Phil as if he was going to kiss him, which is gross enough that its throw-up-inducing.
Punch the wall because he didn't want to be here. He had nothing to do and no ride home without Phil, who was now flirting with the new kid. He was frustrated and annoyed and was already walking out of the kitchen, no longer caring if he bumped into people.
He wasn't sure where he was going but he was tired of Phil's shit. Dan was tired of his stupid infatuation with a dork who'd never like him the same way. To Phil, they were just friends. Not even friends with benefits, just friends who made out sometimes because they both liked boys and no one else that they knew was gay. Well, not anymore. And now Dan was annoyed again because he couldn't stop comparing himself to Anthony. Fucking Anthony Padilla. What kind of a name was that anyways?
It was so incredibly Phil to trade in the old for a new and hotter version.
Dan just kept shoving through the crowd, using his shoulders and elbows to make way for himself. This seemed like a good plan until he reached the living room and some girl turned around and spilled whatever atrocity had been in her red cup all over Dans hoodie. He instantly felt it soak through to his t-shirt.
"Sorrry..." She was definitely slurring her words more than anyone should be.
Dan had already been mad and annoyed. Now he was mad, annoyed, and uncomfortable. He just said the first thing that came to his mind.
"How are you already drunk when no one even showed up here until thirty minutes ago?" It came out a lot sassier than he'd intended. That seemed to happen a lot when he was mad.
The girl just sort of stumbled over a step and started crying. Fucking crying. Dan rolled his eyes and was about to get away from the situation as soon as he could, but then some (probably boyfriend) football player turned around and of course the girl pointed at Dan and said something along the lines of "that guy's a meanie". But then again, it could have been "mac and cheesy" for how much her words were running together.
Of course it had to be Rick, one of the toughest guys at Lower Marion High School, who came to defend her. It couldn't have been Dodie, the sweet girl who was obsessed with music and only sat with Jon at lunch. Or Tyler, the sassy pacifist. Of course it had to be fucking Richard. Or, who he was better known as, 'Rick'. He was a year younger than Dan, but twice his size. And Dan was pretty tall.
"Do we have a problem here?" Rick asked in his booming voice. Dan felt like he was two feet tall.
"N-no, I was just, I-I don't even-" Fuck. He forgot that he stuttered when he wasn't talking to Phil or family.
"Oh, you t-t-t-though what?" Of course the guy would go for the stutter. Who wouldn't?
Some people around them laughed at the 'joke' if it even constituted as one, and turned around. Dan shrunk even more.
"I-I'm sorry, I d-didn't mean to..." He had no idea what to say. He couldn't even move. Everything had left his mind except for this huge guy standing in front of him who could probably flick him off the edge of the earth.
"What'd you say about my girlfriend?" Well he'd assumed correctly. The ditzy blonde dating the strongest football player. It was like his life was a movie and him constantly being in horrendous situations was the comic relief. This would be the part where he got beat up. Except for in a movie it almost didn't seem too bad when the character got beat up. Just a plot device. But here, Dan feared for his life.
More of a crowd was gathering around them now. Christ, why was this guy's voice so loud?
"If you've got something to say to her, you can say it to me." It was like he was yelling without even raising his voice. He took a step closer to Dan when Dan didn't make a move to do anything.
Now Dan was just mad again. Still completely terrified, but mad. Why did everything have to be against him all the time. And why did this guy bring all of the attention towards them? And why was this song so fucking loud? and why did this guy feel the need to stand so close to him when Dan couldn't move at all?
No wonder his parents called him Richard. They must've known he'd be a fucking dick.
A few people laughed and suddenly Rick was blushing. Wait, what?
It was one of those moments where Dan was afraid that people could read his mind. But then he realized that he'd spoken out loud. All of the drugs in the air must've been effecting him.
"What the fuck did you just call me?"
The first thing that came to Dan's mind was to step up and say "did I stutter?" Just as one of his self deprecating jokes, but he wasn't that stupid. Though he had just called this guy a dick right in front of him, so maybe he was that stupid after all.
"Wait, whats going on? Dan is that you?" Phil's voice was behind him. Finally Dan gained movement in his legs and turned around. He felt like crying. Why was all of this happening? Why was there a circle of people laughing and whispering around Dan and Rick? Why was Anthony following Phil with a concerned look?
Phil pushed his way through the clusters of people and got through to Dan, grabbing his forearm.
"Are you ok?" He whispered, not a smart move with the loud music and hundreds of people talking. But Dan could read his lips.
"Oh, is your boyfriend coming to the rescue?" Rick said, laughing a stupid doofus laugh, as if it was the smartest joke anyone had ever made. It might as well have been, for how much everyone was laughing along. Dan didn't even turn around to face him. He knew that if he did, he'd break into tears. Damn anxiety. "Fags" Rick chuckled. Fucking doofus.
"So what if I was?" Phil let go of Dan and stepped forward, replacing his spot as Rick's main focus. Most of the crowd quieted down now. "What, is that funny to you? Yeah, I'm gay! Everyone knows that! It really doesn't matter! But Dan isn't gay, so leave him the fuck alone."
Dan almost wanted to laugh at the situation. Phil was tall as well, but Rick still towered over him. The only difference with what Phil did versus what Dan did was that Phil didn't cower, or stutter. But with Phil, Rick took a swing for his face.
Everything slowed down. Even the loud music. Dan had heard people describe that feeling of everything seeming to go slower when something big happened, but he always thought it was bullshit. It defiantly wasn't.
Phil's glasses flew off of his face. Broken. He barely wore his glasses. At first that was all that Dan's mind could process. Why was Phil wearing his glasses today?
And then Anthony jumped out from behind him, amidst all of the oooh's and ahhh's, and grabbed a hold of Phil's shoulder. Dan wanted to tell him to get off. That he could help Phil better, since he'd known him for longer. But then he realized that it was because Phil was about to swing back at Rick, who was laughing. He was laughing.
Dan stepped forward, catching the football player off guard, and socked him in the stomach.
Everything sped up again.
He didn't feel bad about it in the least.
There was more noise emitting from all of the surrounding peers now.
Rick was doubled over.
Dan was mad. He was really fucking mad. His mind went blank and all he could see was this doofus who didn't look scary anymore. This doofus who'd dared to lay a hand on Phil, as if he could get away with that.
He punched him again, not even noticing that he'd balled his other hand up into a fist. He punched his side. The guy fell to his knees. The music was still really loud. Without thinking, Dan brought back his foot and kicked Rick's shoulder with all of his little strength. But it didn't feel like that, like he wasn't that strong. He'd kicked him and hadn't felt a single thing.
Everything was blurry.
Dan ran away from the situation. He didn't have to push people out of his way this time. They moved.
~~~
A bathroom. He had to find a bathroom. He was elbowing his way through the party-goers now that he was away from all of the people who had seen what'd just happened. He got back to the foyer and saw stairs. There had to be a bathroom up there.
Barely anyone was on the upper floor. Probably because all of the lights were off and there were no speakers or drinks.
Dan opened a few doors before finding the room that he'd figured would be the only one to be completely empty - the bathroom.
He had been wrong. Two kids were smoking something awful smelling and gave Dan annoyed glares, shutting the door in his face as soon as he'd opened it.
The last door he saw that he hadn't checked was beside it. His last hope. It sounded dramatic, but Dan already felt like he was going to cry or throw up. His hand hurt from when he punched the guy, and the image of Phil's glasses falling to the ground and shattering kept replaying behind Dan's eyes.
He opened the door and looked into a semi-walking-in-broom-closet. And of course, two kids were making out.
A girl with bright red hair jumped off of some guy that had been against the wall. Dan didn't even care anymore. He stepped in and closed his eyes
"L-listen, you g-guys can stay if you want, but I'm n-not leaving." And with that declaration, the girl promptly ran out and slammed the door behind her. Dan flinched at the sound and leaned back against the wooden-panels wall.
The guy didn't move. Dan didn't know who it was. It had been too dark to tell before, and now he'd closed his eyes and wasn't opening them until the guy left. Then he could sob in peace.
The guy wouldn't leave. He seemed to be frozen in place.
"Um, hi." The strangers voice cracked, as if he was the nervous one. "I'm Will."
Will.
"Will? A-as in Will Wattfort?"
"Yeah. This is my house."
"There are k-kids d-doing obscure drugs in your b-bathroom."
"I'd be more surprised if you said there weren't."
They both laughed. Dan felt calmer. Not calm, but maybe like he could open his eyes.
Yup. Will Wattfort was standing across from him. Hands in his pockets, as if the situation were totally casual. Dan wasn't really sure what casual was right now. He couldn't think. He didn't really care. He hadn't had a single drink, but he felt drunk. Maybe it was that thing that his mom talked about sometimes where after people get adrenaline rushes they feel sort of high. Dan figured that what happened downstairs counted as an adrenaline rush.
"I-I just got into a fight at W-Will Wattforts house." He had to say it out loud just to process it. He was too shaken to care that Will Wattfort was sitting across from him.
"You're probably not the only one." Will said.
Dan laughed, in a sad sort of way. Will Wattfort had a sense of humor. What a weird world.
"Hey, wait, you're that guy thats friends with Phil!" Wattfort said. That made Dan look up. It was dark, but his eyes adjusted enough to it by now that he could make out the big brown eyes and blonde hair. The Will Wattfort trademark style. Dan must've looked confused, because Will went on.
"Phil Lester. You're the guy that follows him around everywhere, aren't you?"
Dan's stomach dropped. He wanted to get out of there. Fast. Why was it always when he was in a horrible situation that his legs stopped working?
"Oh my god, sorry, that sounded so rude. I swear I'm not a jerk, I just don't think before I speak sometimes. I just... I've noticed Phil, I guess. He's hard not notice. And you're always with him. I didn't mean it like in a 'you follow him around' way. Even though thats exactly what i said." he awkwardly laughed. Dan appreciated him trying to save the conversation.
"Yeah. Phil and I h-hang out a l-lot." He said, silently cursing his stutter.
"Wait... are you gay?"
Of course Will Wattfort would ask that.
Dan's cheeks were burning. He was leaving. He had nowhere to go, but he had to leave.
"No, wait! I'm sorry! I didn't mean for that to come out like that! I swear I don't have a problem with gay people!"
Dan chuckled, suddenly remembering what Anthony had told them. Clearly not. For some reason, he didn't leave. And so, the conversation went on.
"I just guess I figured that you and Phil were, like, dating, or something. I mean, he's gay, right? Or, bi, or whatever. He always talks about it." Will sat down on the carpeted floor. Dan followed.
There was just enough space that Dan could sit cross-legged and his knees didn't hit the walls.
"No, w-we're not d-dating."
"So you're just friends?"
"Its complicated, b-but essentially, y-yes."
"Why is it complicated? Did you guys used to date?"
"N-no, we've n-never dated."
"Do you think you'll date in the future?"
"W-why do you care s-so much?" That came out harsher than he'd meant it to. The adrenaline rush was wearing off. Dan hadn't meant to be rude. He figured that Will was actually a nice guy. It must suck to be closeted and popular. He actually had a reputation that he could ruin. That was why he had been answering his questions in the first place. He also knew that if Dan came out to him, or insinuated anything, Will wouldn't tell. And now he'd just almost yelled at him. Dan had a conscious. He hated it.
"I'm sorry."
It was dark, but Dan could see Will blushing as he apologized.
"No, I am. Listen, it's c-complicated, ok? With P-Phil everything i-is complicated. And, y-yeah, I'm gay. But w-we can just keep that as a s-secret, r-right?" Today had revealed a lot. Like that fact that Will Wattfort was an actual person, and was actually nice. And actually seemed kind of similar to Dan.
"Yeah. I won't tell anyone."
And that was that. They just sort sat there in that space for a silent moment before the song changed. It was another good one. Whoever chose the music had good taste. Dan figured that it was probably Wills music.
"Good s-song."
Will chuckled.
"It's by TV On The Radio. They're this really cool band that I've been playing all night hoping that it might get into someones mind that they're good. It hasn't ever worked at any of the other parties." He confessed.
"W-well I think i-it sounds pretty cool, f-f-for what its worth." Dan said.
"Can I tell you something?" As soon as Will said this, Dan figured he was going to come out. He was right, in a way.
"Sure."
"I was asking all of that stuff because I kind of had a crush on Phil in elementary school. I mean, I don't anymore, but it was kind of when I realized that I was into guys."
Ok that was more than just coming out. How drunk was he? He hadn't been slurring his words that much, but maybe Dan just wasn't paying attention. He was drunk enough to the point where he'd tell a total stranger about his first crush. His first crush on a guy.
"M-maybe I should g-get going." Dan didn't want to make the situation awkward, but when did he ever not make things awkward?
He stood up and turned the doorknob, but Will hurriedly followed his movements, putting his hand over Dan's.
"Wait-" Will was definitely drunk. He swayed a little bit as he stood. And he put his hand over Dan's, randomly. A stranger. Who would do that sober? Dan kind of felt like an ass for wanting to just leave him there, but in his defense, he really wanted to change out if his shirt which was still soaked through with whatever that girl had spilled on him.
"Don't go."
Why was Will Wattfort asking Dan to stay with him in a closet?
Now that he thought of it, their whole situation at the moment was kind of ironic. Ok, very ironic.
"Seriously. I hate being alone."
Dan could feel Will's breath. Poor Will. Poor, closeted Will, who had no one. At least Dan had Phil, right?
Thinking about Phil annoyed Dan again. Did he think he could just randomly go decide that he liked Anthony?
Well, he could, technically. That had been a part of the ground rules they'd set up when they were thirteen. They could date other people.
Well if Phil could just randomly go off kissing other guys, then so could Dan.
Yeah, he could be reckless too.
Dan turned around, facing Will. They had to be only inches away. The music got louder downstairs as Dan leaned forward hesitantly.
He'd never kissed anyone but Phil. And that girl Cat, but that had been when he was eleven and really really confused.
Will's lips were softer. And Will was more submissive. But he kissed back.
Dan took this as an opportunity and put his hands on Will's shoulders, guiding him back against the wall, not leaving his lips.
"Are you drunk enough to the point where you'll forget this by tomorrow?" Dan asked, breaking away from Will only for a moment.
"Probably not." Will mumbled.
"Lets just pretend you are." Dan whispered before taking Wills shirt off.